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♪ When I was a boy ♪
♪ All my life ♪
♪ I've been this lonely boy ♪
♪ Do do. ♪
Gate.
(RINGS BELL)
- What do you want? - Can I use the bathroom here?
I can't let you back in here.
This is the discharge gate.
There's the last bus into town tonight.
You better get on it.
Excuse me, do you know where the bathroom is?
Yeah, it's down there.
The bathroom's closed, sir.
It's closed. Thanks.
Excuse me, miss, do you know where there's a bathroom here?
Back there.
That's closed. Do you know where another bathroom is?
There's one in the restaurant to the left up there.
Okay, thanks. Thank you.
(WINCES)
MAN: Oh man.
The restaurant's closed. I said the restaurant is closed.
- Can I use the bathroom? - The bathroom's closed, too.
I said the restaurant is closed.
(TAP DANCING)
...one, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight.
One, two, three, four... chin up straight... seven, eight.
And stamp! One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight.
Stamp! Two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight.
Stamp! And smile... two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight.
Stamp! One, two, three and four.
One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight.
Again... two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight.
Repeat, two, two, two... five, six, seven, eight.
Stamp! Then a one, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight.
Stamp! And smile... two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight.
Stamp! And a one... three, four, five, six, seven, eight.
Doubles! One, two...
- What the fuck you looking at? - Nothing.
Then get your fucking face out of my pants.
Relax.
Don't tell me to fucking relax.
Just keep your face out of my pants.
It's just so big.
What the fuck did you say? What did you say to me, you faggot?
Get the fuck out of the bathroom! Faggot!
Damn it!
I can't piss. Fucking faggot,
I'll kill that fucker! Fucking faggot!
Faggot!
- Watch your mouth. - What? What?
Why don't you watch your mouth, smart-ass?
- Miss. - What?
You got a quarter I can borrow?
- Yes. - Can I borrow it?
Yeah.
Can I borrow it now?
- Don't you say thanks? - What?
- Don't you say thank you? - What?
Hello, Ma? It's me.
It's Billy.
Billy. Your son!
Turn down the TV. Turn down the television.
It's Billy.
I told you we were going to be in town for one day, right?
We're in town. We just flew in.
We're at the fancy hotel. I told you where we were staying.
Downtown, yes. The big hotel, right.
Yeah, I have a big room. It's beautiful here.
Yes, it's clean, Ma.
It's a very expensive hotel, okay?
No, don't come here, Ma. Don't come here.
I told you, I want to go there. I want to see the old neighborhood.
I want to come now.
What time is the game over?
Fine, I'll come at 5:00.
No, Ma, she's not coming. She's sick.
I don't know. People get sick.
I don't know why she's sick. She's sick.
Every time we fly in planes, she gets sick.
I don't know why.
She doesn't like flying.
Plus, we sit in first class, they bring you a lot of food,
...and she always gets stomach cramps. I don't know.
I can't... she's sleeping, Ma.
I'm in the lobby of the hotel because she's sleeping upstairs.
I'm not going to wake her up.
Did you hear what I said? Did you hear what I said?
What did I say? What did I say?
She's sick!
Fine, Ma. You want me to wake her up?
You want me to go upstairs and wake her up?
You're unbelievable.
Then how you going to feel when she comes over sick?
How you going to feel then when you see how sick she is?
No, I'm going to bring her,
I'm going to drag her out of bed and I'm going to bring her to you...
...so you can see her.
Fine. We're coming over. We're coming over.
I said I'm bringing her, yes.
Fine. Okay? Goodbye.
Excuse me, miss?
Shut up, shut up...
Don't say a word or I'll take it right out of your face.
Shut your mouth, shut your mouth...
Just shut your mouth and you'll be okay.
MAN: Shut up! Shut up!
You're hurting me.
Shut your mouth or I'll really hurt you.
Wanna really hurt? Get in the car.
Get in. Hurry up. Get in the car.
How do I get this thing back?
Point to the thing!
I can't see out the window.
Give me something to wipe the window with.
Give me something to wipe the window with!
No, you go out. You clean it.
Get out of the car and clean your window.
Don't you ever clean your window?
Do you ever think about cleaning your car...
Come on, I don't got all day.
Hurry up.
See how you wash a car? See how nice when a car's clean?
Is that how your house is, filthy like that?
You see how nice the car is when it's clean?
You see, now you can see.
That's good. That's good.
Get in your car. Hurry up.
Hurry up! And shut your mouth, shut your mouth.
It's filthy, it's filthy.
Where's the thing on this car?
How do you put it in gear?
- It's right here. - What is this?
Is this a shifter car?
I cannot drive a shifter car, so we got a little situation here.
I can't drive these kind of cars. What the fuck is going on?
You think that's funny? Would you like to know, smart-ass?
Would you like to know why I can't drive this kind of car?
I'll tell you why.
I'm used to luxury cars. Have you ever heard of a luxury car?
You know what luxury means? Have you ever heard of Cadillac?
Cadillac Eldorado? That's what I drive.
I drive cars that shift themselves. My cars shift themselves.
They're luxury cars. They shift themselves.
When I say three, you follow my count,
...you come around to my door. You got me?
One... two... three.
What did I just say? One, two, three.
Get out of the car.
I'm watching you, I'm watching you.
Don't make that face, don't make that face.
Hurry up!
Now pull away.
Go this way!
Wait! Go this way!
I want you to pull over right there.
- Just pull over here. - Where?
Right here. That's it, that's good.
That's it. Beautiful.
Put the car in park, all right?
I'm gonna step out of the car for one minute.
One minute, I'm gonna step out.
Put your hands on the dashboard like that.
Don't let me see you move them one finger,
...not one twitch of a move or I'll come back and choke you to death.
I swear to God.
I'll take a bite out of your cheek and I'll shit you out.
So just hold your hands like that, you understand me?
Nod your head if you understand.
You understand? Yes, you understand.
Stay right there.
Don't look.
Who told you to look?
Take your hands off the dash.
You're making me nervous.
First thing, right off the bat,
I'd like to apologize.
I'm going to apologize.
I've had to go to the bathroom for hours.
I've been backed up, totally backed up.
Anyway, I swear to God, I didn't mean to scare you.
And I'm sorry if I pulled your hair.
You okay?
Good. All right...
Now don't talk, please.
I need to ask you a favor.
I haven't seen my parents in a long time...
'cause I just got out of jail.
I was innocent.
Before I went away, I made up a few lies.
I said I was married.
I also told them that I worked for the government...
...and that I would be away for a long time.
What I need you to do is to come to my parents' house with me,
...and pretend to be my wife...
...acting, all right?
Today's your big debut, your big break.
This is acting. You're my wife.
So that means you adore me, you love me, you cherish me...
Jesus Christ, you can't live without me.
The story will go like this.
We met in high school...
...and we were sweethearts, you loved me,
...you've been in love with me your whole life.
And your new name would be Wendy Balsam.
Don't worry about the details.
I'll take over. Just be nice.
When we get there, be a decent girl. Be nice.
What's your name, what's your real name?
Layla.
No, that's no good.
We'll stick with Wendy Balsam, you're Wendy Balsam.
So basically, what I'm asking you to do is,
I'm asking you to come there and make me look good.
And if you make a fool out of me, I swear to God,
I'll kill you right there.
Boom! Right in front of Mommy and Daddy.
And I'll tell you something else, you make me look bad...
I will never ever talk to you again, ever.
But if you do a good job, then you can be my best friend.
My best friend that I've ever had. You hear me?
All right, let's keep driving.
We're gonna go. Keep driving.
LAYLA: What's your name?
My name is Billy, Billy Brown.
Just remember why you're there.
You're there to make me look good. You hear me?
You can eat all the food you want, just make me look good.
- Why are you there? - To make you look good.
That's right, to make me look good.
Then you can go home.
Are your parents vegetarians?
I hope so, because I don't eat meat ever.
Come on, come on.
- Which house is it? - There.
(DISTANT CHEERING)
Oh man.
Are you okay?
What did I tell you?
Just make sure you behave right.
Come on, come on.
- What did I tell you? - Don't start.
Do me this favor, all right? This is not nice.
Just be nice, okay?
Be nice, say hello, really nice hellos.
My father likes when people say hello.
"Hello, Mr. Brown." Okay? Please.
Are you sure you're okay?
BILLY: I feel sick.
I feel like throwing up.
Would you hold me a second?
- (CHEERING INSIDE) - Would you hold me?
Don't touch me.
Come on. Come on.
(RINGS BELL)
(DISTANT CHEERING)
- (RINGS BELL) - Hello!
- (TV PLAYS) - (WOMAN CHEERS)
BILLY: Hey, Dad.
DAD: Jan, it's your son.
- JAN: Who? - DAD: I said it's your son.
Oh, honey.
It's Billy.
Billy's here.
(CROWD CHEERS ON TV)
We're so happy to meet you.
Billy's told us so much about you.
Oh.
I've heard so much about both of you.
He's very proud you two.
Do you think I could use the bathroom?
Sure, honey. Billy, go show her where the bathroom is.
It's down the hall. Don't take a long time.
I have to go to the bathroom.
Just hurry up.
Honey... you look tired. Are you sick?
I'm not sick, Ma.
Why?
You just...
...you just look so tired.
Well, Ma, I am a little tired. I just flew on a plane.
- Okay? - All right. Don't get upset.
- I'm not upset. - All right.
You want something to drink?
Yeah.
All right. What do you want to drink?
I'd like a glass of water, please.
You don't want some pop?
You know I don't drink pop, Ma.
The bubbles bother my stomach.
Would you like some ginger ale? I got some ginger ale.
That's good for the stomach.
Ginger ale is pop, Ma.
Ginger ale is pop.
I just said I don't want pop.
Can I please have a glass of water?
How about I make you the juice? I got the frozen juice.
I just want a glass of water, please.
Just a glass of water. That's all I want.
- Fine. - Thank you.
JAN: Ooh, honey.
I got those chocolate doughnuts you like. Do you want one now...
...or do you think it'll spoil your appetite?
It won't spoil my appetite.
I don't eat chocolate. I'm allergic to it, remember?
Honey...
...what are you talking about? You always ate chocolate.
That's great.
You don't remember your own son. That's really great...
Ma, my face is kind of itchy.
Honey, what happened to your face?
It's all swollen. We better put some ice on that.
BILLY: ...you had to take me to the Emergency Room...
...because my face swelled up.
I don't know what you're talking about.
You always ate chocolate.
I didn't always eat chocolate, Ma. I did not always eat chocolate.
I didn't eat chocolate. Can we talk about something else?
- All right, just calm down. - Fine.
- Honey. - Hi, honey.
Why don't you get her something to drink, Ma?
All right. Do you want something to drink, honey?
Yeah. Could you make me a rum and coke?
- What, honey? - I meant...
- ...could I have a ginger ale? - Oh sure, we got a ginger ale.
Come here, honey.
Let me hug my new little daughter.
Daddy loves you, you know that? Daddy really loves you.
His new, little, sweet, young daughter.
Sit down, honey.
I'm 28.
You look like a baby.
You look so young and pretty.
Thank you.
My son used to be a beautiful baby.
Oh!
You should've seen him. He was so beautiful.
Look at him now.
Oh no.
I think Billy is the most handsome guy in the whole world.
- Who, honey? - Billy.
I think he's the most handsome man I've ever seen.
- Billy who? - This Billy.
Oh.
I can't stand it when he grows his hair long.
Could I see some pictures of Billy from when he was little?
You want to see some pictures?
Honey, where's the Billy picture?
- You know? - I don't know where it is.
The picture of Billy, honey.
I don't know where it is. Wait a minute...
We got some pictures.
Here's a picture of me with Jack Kemp.
Here's OJ Simpson.
Here's me with the Buffalo Bills' caterer.
Here's my husband. Here's our wedding.
Honey, did you find it?
Yeah, I found it.
Look at Billy.
He's so cute.
And that puppy... that puppy's adorable.
- Whose puppy is that? - That was Billy's.
- Bingo. - What happened to him?
I don't know what happened to him.
He ran away. Yeah, he ran away.
Such a cute puppy.
- (DOG WHINES) - Billy!
What did I tell you about this thing?
Didn't I warn you 50 fucking times about this dog?
Didn't I tell you if it peed in the house again what I'd do?
- No, Daddy, please! - Didn't I tell you?
- (DOG WHINES) - No, Daddy, please!
That's enough with the pictures. I'm hungry.
Jan, would you hurry up, please?
Who's this handsome guy in this picture?
That's me. I was a singer.
That's me in a downtown nightclub with this band...
Sinatra sang in that club. He sang in that actual club.
Wow, you're a singer?
Well, I was a singer.
Yeah.
Did you ever make any records? Do you have any tapes?
No, no...
...well, a few tapes.
Can I hear one?
You want to hear one of my tapes?
All right. As soon as we eat, I'll play you a tape.
Honey, it's going to be 20 minutes before I'm done with dinner.
Why don't you play her the tapes now?
- You really want to hear this? - Yes.
Okay, follow me.
These are some arrangements Nelson Riddle made for Frank,
...without Frank's voice, of course,
...so he could see what he liked, what he didn't like.
I like to sing to them.
Let me find the hole here.
I hope I can still get up there.
(MUSIC STARTS)
♪ Fools rush in ♪
♪ Where angels fear to tread ♪
♪ And so I come ♪ ♪ to you, my love ♪
♪ My heart above my head ♪
♪ Though I see ♪
♪ The danger there ♪
♪ If there's ♪ ♪ a chance for me ♪
♪ Then I don't care ♪
♪ Fools rush in ♪
♪ Where wise men never go ♪
♪ But wise men ♪ ♪ never fall in love ♪
♪ So how are they to know? ♪
♪ When we met ♪
♪ I felt my life begin ♪
♪ So open up your heart ♪ ♪ and let ♪
♪ This fool rush in ♪
♪ I've felt my life begin ♪
♪ So open up your heart ♪ ♪ and let ♪
♪ This fool rush in. ♪
- That's enough of that shit. - Your voice is so beautiful.
- Let's go and eat. - Can I hear one more?
No. I'm hungry.
I'm shaking with hunger...
- Please, just one more song. - No more! Okay?
I'm sorry, honey. Jesus Christ.
Listen, when we finish eating,
I'll look around, find a tape for you.
You take it home, play it any time you want, okay?
Okay.
'Cause Daddy loves you, you know that? I love you.
Let's go.
Billy, you're right.
Your father does have the most beautiful voice.
JAN: Careful, everybody. It's very hot.
- I hope you like tripe. - I don't know what that is.
The Italians call it "trippa." It's the intestines of the cow.
And it's very good for you.
It's terrific. Isn't that what you said was your favorite food?
Go ahead, honey. Tell me what you think.
Go ahead, Wendy. Take a big bite.
Take a big bigger bite.
Mmm, that's good, right?
Bring more, Ma. She's going to eat a lot, I sense it.
Well, everybody gets the same.
DAD: Turn that knife away from me, please.
Why are you pointing that knife at me?
Is that why you came here to stab me with that knife?
Will you turn it away from me, please?
- Honey, just calm down. - Turn it away, please!
What? The knife is not pointed at you!
Yes, it's pointed at me!
Don't tell me you didn't point the knife at me!
Don't point a knife at a person unless you want to use it!
I didn't point the knife at you! It was here on the table, like that!
It was not here! Point it over here!
Honey, just calm down.
I am calm! Did you see what he did? Did you see what your son did?
- I didn't do nothing! - He pointed a knife at his father!
Yeah, I pointed at you, it's always at you.
Honey, honey, honey. Do you want some more tripe?
No, I don't want tripe. You want to get me tripe,
- ...get me tripe. - No, let him fill up on the bread.
- Enough tripe. - Let me eat bread,
'cause that's what he wants me to eat... bread all the time!
God forbid I should have a piece of meat, right?
So, Wendy, you were saying?
I was just going to say...
...how Billy's the nicest husband in the whole world.
Yeah, I'm sure he's terrific.
No, really, I'm the luckiest girl...
...to have found such a wonderful husband.
I fell in love with him the first time I met him.
Honey, can you pass me the remote control there?
It's right behind you.
Did Billy ever tell you how we met?
No, honey. How did you two meet?
LAYLA: Billy, you didn't tell your mom how we met?
You tell her.
Well...
I was working as a typist for the CIA,
...which is a special part of the government,
...and Billy is a top agent with the CIA.
I'm sure you know that. You're probably so proud of him.
He has hundreds of people working for him.
And all the girls in the office were always telling me...
...how much they were in love with their boss.
And of course, I had never seen him.
I worked way down on the other side of the building.
But one day he comes into the office,
...and I see him.
And I fell in love, madly in love with him.
But I couldn't talk to him...
'cause I was just a typist.
He's the kindest, smartest,
...most handsome guy there.
Even the guys loved him. They idolized him.
So I just couldn't...
I didn't think he'd ever like me.
I was just a little typist girl,
...and he was like the king.
Even the President is so proud of him.
So one day, I walk into my office,
...and there's this giant bouquet of roses.
And I was just like, "My God,"
"...what are those flowers on my desk?"
I thought maybe they had gotten the wrong desk or something.
So I go to open the card... there's a little note attached.
And it said, "Dear Wendy,"
"I've been in love with you for a year,"
"...but I'm very shy and I just didn't know how to tell you."
"But I want you to know that I really love you,"
"...and I'd like to take you to dinner sometime."
And guess who it was signed by.
Who?
Honey, hold on, watch this play...
Billy! It was signed by Billy.
- It said, "Love, Billy." - Just watch this play.
Watch this.
(CROWD CHEERING ON TV)
God damn it!
30 years, I haven't missed a game.
They haven't won a championship since 1966.
And I missed that game 'cause that's the day I had Billy.
I wish I never had him.
I wouldn't have missed that game.
Did you like Buffalo, too?
It's Billy Brown calling.
I'd like to bet on the Superbowl.
On Buffalo.
To win.
Right.
I'd like to put $10,000 on them.
$10,000?!
- That's too much! - I'm talking on the phone!
I'm talking on the phone.
BILLY: Come on, Scott. Come on, Scott.
Please, God. Please, God.
- COMMENTATOR: No good. - BOTH: Oh no!
- BILLY: Fuck! - I told you, Billy.
- Now you're in big trouble. - Shut up! I'm fucked.
MAN: The story goes like this.
One day, this big asshole comes in.
He calls up a $10,000 bet on Buffalo...
...to win the Superbowl.
That's to win, okay?
I know what you're thinking. This story's hard to believe.
What kind of an idiot would bet...
...on Buffalo to win a big game like that?
It's true. I swear to God it happened.
This guy was so out of touch,
...he didn't even have the 10 large to cover his bet.
Tell somebody to turn up the heat.
So, Billy...
...what happened was this bookie got so sick...
...of hearing everybody's excuses...
...they're all the same. Everybody's got an excuse.
Anyway, this bookie got so sick...
...that he just had...
...to throw up.
The only way he could make himself feel better...
...was to do bad things.
To do very, very bad things to the excuse-maker.
And very, very bad things...
...to the excuse-maker's mother and father.
So what do you say?
Why don't we give this story a happy ending?
I've got an acquaintance, a friend,
...a very good friend of ours...
...who just got arrested.
Of course, he's innocent.
His arrest is a goddamn injustice,
...a tragedy.
So you, the asshole,
...will confess to the crime of which he is accused,
...so as to free the innocent man.
Now...
...if you fail to convince the court...
...or if you refuse to try to,
...some very evil and very bad things could happen.
Very evil and very bad things.
And Billy...
...if Buffalo ever makes it back to the Superbowl,
...bet against them.
Now get the fuck out of my sight.
BAILIFF: All rise.
Mr. Brown,
...based on your confession, you are found guilty as charged.
Therefore, it is the judgment of this court...
...that you are sentenced to the maximum term...
...five years, no parole.
BILLY: This one is going to go in June.
See how I've been doing it? I write them down on every envelope.
You don't have to think. This goes in June.
Any day in June.
Just look at the thing, like all the other ones.
You look at the month...
Goon, pay attention, we're almost done.
See, June? This one says June.
They all have a month mark.
This one goes June.
June comes before July and after May.
So any time you hear that it's June,
...just put this in the mailbox, all right?
Can I trust you on these? Are we done with these?
You got it. They've all got their own month.
Any day of the month, you can send it.
The month is written on the back of the thing.
This one goes at Christmas-time.
Please don't pick your nose in front of me.
Please don't do that.
All right? This goes at Christmas-time.
Christmas. Do you know when Christmas is?
- I know when Christmas is. - You know, Rudolph...
What do you think, I'm dumb?
Yeah, I think you're a little dumb sometimes.
Cut it out, Billy, or I'm not gonna do it.
Listen to me. Wanna know what I heard in here?
Wanna know what I heard? You know Scott Wood?
I heard from guys in here who know for a fact...
...they know for a fact...
...that he missed that fucking field goal on purpose.
That he got paid money and he missed it on purpose.
That motherfuck. That motherfuck.
I wonder how much that motherfuck got paid...
...to ruin my fucking life.
I'll tell you what I'm gonna do.
Listen to me.
When I get out of here, I'm gonna fucking kill him.
I swear to God, I'm gonna fucking kill him.
That motherfucking, 10-cent field goal kicker,
I'm gonna kill him.
And I'll tell you something,
I'll kill myself, too, 'cause I don't give a fuck,
'cause I'm not coming back here, you understand?
Just remember what I told you.
What are you looking at?
You got this, right?
You got this and this.
When is this one going? This one is going in January.
This is for my mother's birthday.
January. Let me write it down on every package.
January.
Goon, please, please don't fuck me here.
Please be a person...
Can I use the phone in the bedroom?
Sure, you can.
Where are you calling? Local call?
- Yes, a local call. - Okay.
(PHONE RINGS)
Goon, it's me, Billy.
What are you doing?
Billy...
I don't want people to call me that no more,
...even you.
BILLY: Hello to you, too.
What do they call you now?
What do you want them to call you?
My new name is Rocky.
(LAUGHS)
Your name is Rocky?
GOON: My new name is Rocky.
Rocky.
I go away for two seconds...
...and you change your name from Goon to Rocky.
Whatever you want.
I just got out of jail.
You remember that guy, Wood?
I'd really like to find him.
Are you still going to do that bad thing you said you'd do?
Don't you think that's not a good thing to do?
What if the policeman catches you?
BILLY: I'm not going to get caught.
So you want to help me or you don't want to help me?
GOON: He's got that TV commercial, and he's got that club...
...where the girls take off their clothes.
BILLY: What? This guy opens up a strip joint in Buffalo?
You want to come over to my house for dinner?
My mom's cooking dinner.
What's the name of the club?
- Hey, Goon? - Huh?
BILLY: What's the name of the joint?
Oh, it's the name of his name. It's got his name.
It's named... yeah.
Do you know a street? Can you help me out?
Can you give me a street name?
GOON: You're confusing me. I don't know.
I don't remember.
You shouldn't go down there. Don't go down there.
I have a little surprise I haven't told Billy yet.
- Yeah? - I'm pregnant.
- We're going to have a baby. - Wendy, honey,
...you're going to have a baby!
- You're going to have a baby! - Don't tell Billy,
'cause I want to surprise him later.
- We won't say nothing. - Come here, give me a hug!
I won't say nothing.
Goon...
I'm just kidding, all right?
I'm just kidding.
I just want to go and say hello to him.
Can you help me find him?
I know how you get. Don't go down there.
- You'll go back to jail. - What did I just say?
I said I was kidding.
- You got a phone book in the house? - Don't do bad things.
Don't do any bad things.
Did you get the raisins that I sent you?
Yeah, Goon, I got the raisins. Thanks.
Do you have a phone book? Can you help me out here?
Don't call me that. I don't like that name no more.
All right, Rocky. Rocky! Rocky!
I'll call you Rocky. You happy, big shot?
You happy, Rocky? What's the difference what your name is?
Would you do me a favor and get a phone book?
GOON: I've got to go. My mom's calling me.
She's mad that I'm on the phone too long.
You know something, Goon?
You know your problem? Your problem is your mother.
That's all you do is you run...
...when your mom calls you all the time.
Could you just get a phone book?
No, I've got to go. My mom said I've got to go.
I need you for one second, Goon.
One second. Get a phone book.
- Don't be sore at me, Billy. - I asked you to get a phone book!
Every time your mother says something...
...that's why people call you Goon.
You know why they call you Goon? Because you're retarded...
...and you're ugly. You're an ugly retard.
And they call you Goon because you're ugly and retarded.
And you'll always be Goon. Goon, Goon, Goon.
That's what I'll call you for the rest of your life.
Goon, Goon, Goon, Goon, Goon. Okay?
So fuck you.
Fuck.
Oh, honey...
...you're going to have a baby!
It's really been a pleasure having you here.
And when you have a little one, I want you to call it...
Little Jimmy.
Honey, we love you so much.
Honey, you come back soon, all right?
And you guys have to come visit us, too.
The house is so beautiful.
Billy's so handy. He's built so many amazing things.
Now you have another house.
And I want you to give your daddy a big kiss.
Oh, honey, we love you so much.
- You come back and visit soon. - We will.
- Bye. - Bye, honey.
(GAME PLAYS ON TV)
JAN: Ho, ho, ho, go! Come on!
- BILLY: I can't believe them! - No, it's good.
It's good that they like me. Then they'll be proud of you.
BILLY: Bullshit! My life is shit.
If you were my son, I'd be really proud of you.
Did you see them kiss your ass?
You made it happen. You made them do that.
LAYLA: (SCOFFS) You kidnapped me.
You pulled my hair, you threatened me.
I just went in there and did you a favor.
- I thought I did a good job and... - What was that shit about the CIA?
I asked you "nice," I said "nice."
"Make me look good!"
CIA? Do you think my father believed that?
Do you think he'd believe that for one second?
Your son works for the CIA. All the girls love him.
He's smart! He's smart!
Let's go.
Hey! Hey, look, everybody,
...the king is back.
BILLY: That's right. The king is here.
- Billy Brown. - What's up? Nice to see you.
- It's nice to see you. - You look really good.
Really good.
So, you guys keep my ball and stuff?
Did we keep your ball?
We got your ball, your locker...
- You better have kept it. - ...just like you left it.
All right.
What? Did you pay my membership?
- Yeah. - Yeah?
You weren't here to pay it,
...so I paid it for you. 'Cause I'm your friend, right?
- Used your own money? - Yeah.
- All right, I owe you for that. - You're my friend.
You're my friend, too.
Any good bowlers around these days, anybody good?
- Just you, Billy. - All right.
- Who's the girl? - I'm his wife.
She's not my wife. I picked her up hitchhiking.
Five years in the joint, you don't waste any time.
You know me.
So I'll go get my things out of the locker.
I gave you 13. That's the one you like, right?
Yeah, that's my lane. I'll see you in a minute.
Who's that girl?
Just some girl, a girlfriend I had.
What happened to her?
I don't know.
I'm a free guy. That's not my style.
I need to be free, so I let her go.
Can I get a little room here?
Why don't you go sit over there?
I need a little privacy.
Hey, Sonny?
Where's my ball?
I got it right here.
- Let me see that. - It's all polished up.
It looks good. You did a good job.
- I'm going to go bowl. - Have a good time.
Thanks a lot.
- You're my friend, right? - You bet.
Thanks, Sonny.
The kid is hot. You see the pro?
Yes!
Oh! Oh! Oh!
(LAUGHS)
Oh! Oh!
You saw it, you saw it. That's right, Billy's back.
Come on!
Come on! Fuck.
Sonny, can you fix it?
- I'll get it. - Shit, I was in a groove.
Get out of my chair. Scoot over.
Damn!
Shit.
Yes!
(MUSIC STARTS)
♪ Call her moonchild ♪
♪ Dancing in the shallows ♪ ♪ of a river ♪
♪ Lovely moonchild ♪
♪ Dreaming in the shadows ♪
♪ Of a willow ♪
♪ Talking to the trees ♪ ♪ of the cobweb strange ♪
♪ Sleeping on the steps ♪ ♪ of a fountain ♪
♪ Weaving silver wands ♪ ♪ to the nightbird song ♪
♪ Waiting for the sun ♪
♪ On the mountain. ♪
Stop dancing. Stop it, all right?
Go sit down.
(LAYLA CHUCKLES)
Fuck!
What's so funny? Why don't you try one?
Go ahead, try one, big shot.
Fuck!
Come on, superstar.
Figures.
Can I bowl another one?
Go ahead.
I'm going to the bathroom.
- What city, please? - Buffalo.
Yes. What listing?
Can I have the number of Scott Wood's Exotic Dancers.
How are you spelling that?
I don't know. Wood's woo...
(PHONE RINGS)
(RECORDING) Hi, you've reached Scott Wood's Solid Gold.
This is Scott Wood, the guy Buffalonians love to hate.
Folks, I'm real sorry about that field goal I missed.
But guess what? I got some beautiful topless dancers...
...here at my new nightclub, Scott Wood's Solid Gold.
Come on down and check out these beautiful girls,
...stripping down for you to next to nothing.
They're gorgeous. Scott Wood's Live Solid Gold Sexotic Dancers.
We're at Niagara and Herglenn. We'll see you here.
I'm going to kill that fucker.
I'm going to kill him.
We have to go.
I'm having fun. Can't I bowl one more time?
If you want to stay, you stay. I'm leaving.
Hey, come back here with me.
- Where are we going? - I want to take some pictures.
Really? You want to take pictures with me?
Yeah, really.
Wait, I've got to fix my hair.
Don't fix your hair. This is not that kind of shit.
Don't start that shit. We're just taking simple pictures.
This is not glamour.
You look fine. Come on, you look fine.
- Is my hair okay? - Yeah, it looks nice.
- Are you sure? - Mm-mm.
It looks fine.
Put this in.
(MACHINE WHIRS)
Okay be ready, 'cause it's going to come soon.
You ready?
Come on, what is that?
- What? - What are you doing?
You just made me waste $2. Get up.
- Come on. - I was making it fun.
You're missing the point. You just wasted $2.
Get up, get up, get up.
Now listen to me.
Sit down.
We're taking pictures for my parents.
Do you understand that?
We're taking pictures like we're a couple,
...like we like each other, like we're husband and wife...
...and we span time together.
We span time together as a couple.
'Cause we're a loving couple, spanning time.
These photos are us in love, spanning time.
No bullshit faces, no funny faces.
Just look like you like me.
That's all I want. Just look like you like me.
- That's it. Can you do that? - You're so weird.
Fine. Let's go.
Are you going to do it or are you not going to do it?
I'll do my best.
I don't want to waste more money. Just do it right.
We're in love. We're spanning time.
Look like you like me, look like we're husband and wife.
- I do like you. - You know what I mean.
I mean like, you like me like you're my wife.
Like you're in love. That kind of like.
Like we're in love, spanning time.
- Just do it right, all right? - I'll do my best.
Don't do your best, do it right.
And don't get smart.
I don't want to waste $2. Just do it right.
- All right. - All right.
Look like you love me. Let's span time.
Let's span time together.
- What are you doing? - What?
Don't touch me! Don't touch me.
What do you mean? We're supposed to be husband and wife.
- I'm trying to make it look good. - We're a couple that doesn't touch.
We like each other. We like each other a lot.
And we span time together. We just don't touch each other.
Now let's span time.
Let's use a different color in the back.
Let's do blue. This is the blue period.
Get up, get up.
Don't touch me again.
Just look like you like me, and let's span time.
All right? You got that?
- Yes or no? - Yes.
I don't want to waste any more money. This is my last $2.
- Yes or no? - Yes.
If you don't want to do it, don't do it.
No, I'll do it.
Let's look like we like each other,
...and span time, and do not touch me.
Do not touch me.
Do not kiss me.
All right, come on.
All right, good. Let's see how they are. Come on.
Please don't forget to send the photographs...
...and the cards to my parents.
I promise I won't forget. You can trust me.
One every Christmas.
So I'll see you around.
Where are you going now?
(PHONE RINGS)
- Is Scott Wood in? - WOMAN: No.
Scott's not in. He doesn't come in till later.
- Who's calling? - Just a friend.
- What time does he get in? - He doesn't come in until late,
- ...not before 2:00am. - What time is it now?
- 8:15. - He doesn't come in sooner?
He never comes in before 2:00-2:30 and he stays till closing.
If you want to see him, come in after 2:00.
All right, we'll go, okay?
Why don't we just go some place, the two of us?
We'll get a room and we'll just lay down together,
...we'll lay in a bed. You want to go some place with me?
- I do. - I've got to get a hot bath.
I really need to take a hot bath.
Do you think we could stop and get a hot chocolate on the way?
I was only kidding...
...when I said I wanted to lay down with you.
So don't get your hopes up.
That's too bad, 'cause I was serious when I said I wanted to.
Do you prefer smoking or non-smoking?
- Whatever. - Right this way.
Your waitress will be with you in a moment.
- What can I get you? - Can I have a hot chocolate?
Very hot.
- And you, sir? - Just a glass of water.
Okay.
Hey!
Weren't you in my third-grade class?
Yes.
You remember me? Wendy Balsam?
I'm Wendy Balsam, too.
Oh yeah?
What happened to you?
Didn't you get in trouble?
Didn't you go to jail or something?
Yeah, but he was innocent.
We were in the third grade together.
I think we were in class together every year.
Did you have Mrs. Dannon?
Yes, I did.
Yeah.
Did you live on my block?
Because I used to see you walk by my house every day.
I had a friend who lived over there.
Oh yeah.
It's strange, 'cause every time I'd look out my window,
I'd see you walking by.
This is Don.
And... what's your name again?
- Billy Brown. - Billy Brown.
Yeah, that's it.
This is Don Shanks, my fiancé.
How you doing, Billy? It's nice to meet you.
Since you guys were in school together,
...you want to come over and sit down here for a little bit maybe?
BILLY: We're getting ready to leave.
Thanks a lot, maybe another time.
Sure, yeah.
It was nice meeting you... again.
That girl has the same name as me.
And she looks an awful lot like that photograph in your locker.
The hot chocolate's going to be a couple of minutes.
BILLY: We're going. Thank you, anyway.
- LAYLA: What do you mean? - Sure.
You want to stay, you stay. I'm going.
Look at that girl, look at her.
She's so creepy.
She is so creepy, and you are so nice.
- What is that supposed to mean? - I just think...
...you are much too good for her.
Don't give me no fucking bullshit, all right?
Don't give me no bullshit.
I don't need your pity, she's-too-good-for-me crap.
So we're going to leave...
...because you ran into someone you had a crush on in middle school?
I'm gonna kill Scott Wood. I'm just gonna kill him.
- What are you saying? - I'll kill the motherfucker.
- I'm going to kill him. - Billy.
What are you saying?
I'm going, okay?
Let me tell you something.
I don't care about you or your fucking hot chocolate.
I don't need anybody.
Did you hear what I said?
Did you hear what I said this time?
Do you want to know the truth?
I could have had any girl I wanted in school.
Any girl I wanted.
Do you know why I didn't have a girlfriend?
Because there was nobody that I liked.
Nobody that I liked. That's the truth.
I could've had anybody.
There was nobody that I liked, because girls stink.
They stink.
They're evil, and they're all bad,
...all of them.
They're backstabbers...
...like you.
- So let's go, all right? - I'm not going.
- You want to stay? - Yes.
You stay, all right? Fuck you.
- Fuck you, too. - Yeah, fuck you.
Can I use the bathroom?
Someone stole the key. Use the one at Denny's.
(SPUTTERING)
I can't...
I don't want to live.
Don't want to live.
Hey.
I'm sorry.
Can we just go out of here?
What about the hot chocolate?
I really want you to come with me.
I want to get away from that witch over there.
(LAYLA SNIFFLES)
Okay.
- Okay? - Okay.
So you want to go get a room now?
You can take a bath, you'll feel better.
Okay, we got time.
(RINGS BELL)
We need a room for one night.
- How many nights? - One night.
Here, fill this out.
Rooms are $29.99 plus tax. Comes to $34.50.
I need a license and cash or a credit card.
What really happened with you and Wendy Balsam?
You've been so quiet all night.
- I don't want to talk about it. - I'm not jealous.
I just wondered...
I told you I don't want to talk about it.
Checkout time is at 11:00am and there's no smoking in the room.
(RUNS WATER)
Don't sit on this bedspread,
...it's disgusting. Let's take this off.
These are dirty.
BILLY: I'm cold.
You never went out with Wendy Balsam, did you?
I told you I did.
I knew her since I was in kindergarten.
She was in my class.
I remember...
I hated school so much.
I just...
I didn't like to wake up.
The first day I went to school...
I just remember I was crying and screaming.
My mother...
...she had to drag me there.
And then when I got into class...
...that's when I saw her.
And I remember just...
...staring at her and I started thinking things.
I was very young, but I was imagining kissing her...
...and marrying her.
I just thought about her every day,
...all the time.
And then school time would go by fast.
And sometimes I would see her in church.
And I hated church, too.
And if I saw her in church...
...it was good because then...
...time went by really fast.
Did she know that you liked her?
No.
She would just...
...she would just tell me to stop staring at her all the time...
...mocking me out.
"Take a picture, why don't you?"
Did you ever have any other girlfriends?
No.
Just her.
- (WATER RUNS) - I'm gonna fill up the whole tub.
My father used to make us fill up the tub...
...with just, like, an inch of hot water.
That's all we were allowed to use.
He was so cheap.
Billy? Are you in the tub yet?
Why?
Can I come and sit in there with you?
I don't want to be out here alone.
I'm cold.
I'm in the tub, all right?
I don't want anybody coming in here.
I just want to sit in the bathroom with you.
I don't want to be out here. I'm cold.
I don't want to be here.
No, you can't. I'm in the tub.
I won't look.
Please just let me come in and talk to you.
Hold on.
You can come in, but don't look at me.
If you look at me one time, I'll throw you out of the room.
All right, I promise I won't look.
Don't look.
You look like a little boy in the bathtub.
- What did I just tell you? - I'm not looking,
I'm just imagining.
- Just don't look. - I'm not.
Billy, I'm freezing. Can I get in the tub with you?
No, I just... you see how you start?
Didn't you say you just want to come and sit in here?
I want to be in the tub alone.
Turn your head away, don't look at me.
But I'm freezing, Billy.
I'm sorry.
Why?
Because I want to be in here alone.
I don't take baths with people.
Can we get out of the bathtub?
You want to?
Can you go first?
Okay.
LAYLA: Where are you going?
I'm just gonna go get a cup of coffee.
You want something?
Yeah.
Can I have a hot chocolate?
Okay, I'll get it.
When are you coming back?
Five minutes. What do you mean?
I'm coming right back.
I just have this feeling you're not gonna come back.
I just told you I'm coming back. I'll be back in five minutes.
I'll get you a hot chocolate.
I really like you.
I'm gonna be really sad if you don't come back,
...unless you tell me.
If you're not going to come back, just tell me,
...don't lie to me.
Are you going to come back or not?
If you don't want me to go, I won't go.
- I won't get a hot chocolate. - If you want coffee, go get coffee.
- Just come back. - I told you I'm coming back.
- Can I get a kiss goodbye? - No.
Don't...
...don't start trouble,
...don't start evil.
I didn't say I'd give you a kiss.
I said I'd get you a hot chocolate.
So I'm going to go.
Can I have a hug?
Oh man.
Let me just shake hands.
Remember you promised you'd come back.
- I promise. - Billy...
I just want you to know...
I think...
...you're the sweetest guy in the world.
And the most handsome.
And I love you.
(PHONE RINGS)
BILLY: Goon, it's me.
I just called to tell you that I was sorry...
- ...for yelling at you before. - Yeah?
Well, you're always yelling at me.
I wanted to tell you I'm sorry...
...and to say thank you for sending me the raisins.
GOON: I sent you raisins, Billy.
I found a little box for them, and I sent them to you.
You're not...
...very nice to me.
I don't know if I want to be friends with you...
- ...if you're going to yell at me. - I understand, Goon.
Please, I asked you already, don't call me Goon.
I asked you not to call me Goon.
- My name is Rocky. - I meant to say Rocky.
I was going to call you Rocky, okay?
I called because I want...
...to give you the combination...
...to my locker at the bowling alley.
You want to give me the combination?
- Why, Billy? - You know my good luck pen?
I want you to have my good luck pen.
I left it in there for you.
You can have my bowling ball.
You can have all my things.
I don't want your things.
Those are your things.
- Why're you giving away your stuff? - I want you to...
...you're my best friend.
I'm really sorry that I always yell at you and stuff.
'Cause you've...
...been a good friend to me.
You sent me those raisins.
GOON: Are you going to do bad things?
Is that why you're giving me your stuff?
No. (SNIFFLES)
I was kidding about Scott Wood.
I don't really care about that anymore.
I've got a big job.
I really have...
...to work for a long time. I'll be away.
I want to give you the combination, okay?
32...
17...
21.
- You're my best friend, okay? - Billy. Please...
JAN: Run, run, run!
Tackle him, tackle him, tackle him!
Oh no!
Jan.
Jan, it's 2:00, you know?
It's 2:00. I'm getting the shakes out here,
...and I'm starving. Can we get something to eat?
- All right, honey. - You hungry?
- Yeah. - So am I.
Hey. Forget it.
Did you hear what I said? Forget it.
You cannot have anything in my locker.
I take it all back. I took everything back.
You heard me, I'm taking it back. So stay away from my locker.
And if I find out you go near my locker,
I'll give you a karate chop right in the head.
Guess what? Guess what happened today?
I got a girl.
There's a girl who loves me.
And she's very pretty, and she's very nice,
...and she loves me. So what do you think of that?
So stay away from my locker, I take all my things back.
I saw Wood today.
I'm at the strip joint.
This place is crazy.
He seems like a nice guy, too.
He really is just like...
...a normal guy.
Remember, we used to like Wood.
He kicked good that season. He was good that whole season.
He kicked good all year.
He missed one measly field goal,
...and everybody's against him.
Who told me to bet on Buffalo? Buffalo stunk all year.
They gave the Giants that game.
If it wasn't for Wood, they would've lost...
...three or four other games that year.
What?
I'm telling you the truth. I'm here.
No.
Anyway, listen, I'll give you a call tomorrow.
I've got to go. My girlfriend's waiting for me.
- How you doing? - Okay.
- You have hot chocolate, right? - We sure do.
- Is it hot? - It's hot.
Give me a hot chocolate to go, a large one.
Okay, hot chocolate to go... large.
- Make it good, a good one. - It'll be good.
Let me have one of these...
...let me have a heart cookie, too.
That's nice.
How much are the heart cookies?
Heart cookies? 95 cents.
- 95? - Right.
- You got a girlfriend? - Yeah.
I'm going to buy one for him.
For your girlfriend. Don't chomp on it yourself.
Save it for her.
CLERK: He's got a heart cookie coming.
- BILLY: Who made those? - We make them right here.
That's very nice... a heart cookie.
- Who thought of the heart? - I don't know.
Somebody who was romantic.
- All right, what do I owe you? - Okay, let's see...
Go easy. Easy, easy, easy...
Four bucks on the nose.
- Four bucks. - Four bucks.
- That's right,
- ...including his. - Yeah, right.
Four...
...and here, this is for you, because...
I don't know why, just take it.
- Okay. - Thanks a lot.
I'll see you guys later. You got your cookie here.
Before you leave, take it for your girlfriend.
- All right, thanks. - Bye-bye.
Telegram Channel and Instagram Page .:: @bollbolljan_com ::.
♪ She watches for my moods ♪ ♪ and never brings me down ♪
♪ She puts the sweetness in ♪ ♪ all around ♪
♪ She knows just what to say ♪ ♪ to make me feel so good inside ♪
♪ And when I'm all alone ♪ ♪ I feel I don't want to hide ♪
♪ Today she brought me in ♪ ♪ and told me where she'd been ♪
♪ She put my mind at rest ♪ ♪ and put the sweetness in ♪
♪ I'll ask her for some time ♪ ♪ to go and look around ♪
♪ She puts the sweetness in ♪ ♪ with a sound ♪
♪ She knows just what to say ♪ ♪ to make a sunny day ♪
♪ And when I'm all alone ♪ ♪ I really don't feel that way ♪
♪ Tell me how would you feel ♪ ♪ with no world of your own? ♪
♪ And nobody to hold ♪ ♪ I just can't see the way ♪
♪ I'm so glad it's today ♪
♪ And you're here ♪ ♪ you're here. ♪