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You must do something. Baby's coming.
Yeah, I know. Miss, you have to stay calm and take deep breaths.
Myra. I need a doctor here now.
- I'm working on it. - You're not doctor?
- I'm a nurse. - You are man and you are nurse?
What kind of man is nurse?
Look, folks. I'm a professional, OK? I know what I'm doing.
Trust me, everything's going to be fine.
Yeah. Yeah, you're fully dilated.
Hey. I need that doctor right now.
There are no free doctors. You'll have to deliver the baby.
I can see a head.
Holy shit.
Check it out. We did it.
We had a boy.
A boy. You're my hero.
- I name a baby for you. - You don't have to do that.
I must. It's a Latvian tradition. We will name the baby...
You've reached the Fockers. We're not around,
so leave a message. Goodbye.
Roz. How the hell do you shut this thing off?
I have no idea. Just press a button.
I'm pretty sure it's off. Honey, you want a chimichanga?
- They give you gas. - A little, but it's worth it.
For you. I'm the one that gets the fumes.
- I'm in the mood for a chimichanga. - So make a...
Hey, guys, it's me.
Dad, I told you six months ago to change that message.
I'm calling to double check, cos I didn't hear from you.
Pam and I are flying out to Oyster Bay today,
then to Miami tomorrow with the Byrneses.
We get in at 7.30. That should put us at the house around 9.00.
So give me a call back on my cell.
I want to go over a few things with you about Pam's dad and
some other stuff for the weekend. Love you. Bye.
- Hey. - Morning. How was your shift?
- Guess what. - What?
- I delivered my first baby. - No way.
- Honey, I'm so proud of you. - It was incredible.
I mean, just to be pulling this life force out of this woman's...
You know. It was just so... The whole baby thing is...
- It's so cool. - That's great, honey.
- That's great. - So, you ready to go?
- I want to get to the airport. - In a sec.
- Things always go wrong. - We have four hours.
I wish we could set a wedding date without our parents meeting.
This weekend is going to be fine.
- Your parents are great. - They're great in small doses.
48 hours in Coconut Grove is a small dose. Besides, you've won over my dad.
And that is the hard part.
It is true. I am still in the Byrnes family Circle of Trust.
You're firmly in the Circle.
Finally.
- Taxi. - Taxi.
- You going to the airport? - Yeah.
- Take mine. - All right.
Great.
- Nice guy, huh? - Yeah.
You two, you're up.
- Oh, dear. - What?
Well, they overbooked coach.
So what does that mean? Do we miss our flight, or...
Well, we are gonna have to upgrade you to first class.
Really?
Thank you.
Sir, why don't you let me take that for you?
OK. Yeah.
You wanna check it? Or put it on another flight? That's cool.
Just gonna store it in the captain's closet.
- That was nice. - Yeah.
- Champagne? - Thank you.
- Champagne, sir? - Thank you.
Enjoy.
Would you like to purchase rental insurance, Mr Focker?
No.
- Thanks. - No?
It's a scam. That's how they make all their money.
That's true. You don't need it.
Get outta here.
The house of Byrnes.
A lot of good memories here.
Mom? Dad?
I am watching you.
Almost.
But you have to do it with two fingers,
one on each eye, like this.
I am watching you.
We'll get back to that later. Guess who's here?
It's Professor Einstein.
Hi, Little Jack. You are a genius.
I see a Nobel Prize in your future. Yes, I do.
Study break, boys. Company's here.
- Pamcake. - Flapjack.
Short stack, short stack, coming up.
Put some syrup in the cup.
That's how it goes, right?
That's OK, Greg.
- Nice to see you. - Yes.
- Nice to see you, Grandpa. - Yeah.
My goodness. How did my nephew get so big? Look at you.
- You look just like your mommy. - He does, doesn't he?
Hey, this is Greg. Remember we talked about him?
Sorry, Greg. The card only comes in one gender.
Yeah, no, that's all right.
He's taking you in.
He has a very keen sense for people, Greg.
A chip off the old block, huh?
Might have another CIA man on our hands.
I'd be discreet about my profession if I were you.
As far as your parents are concerned, I'm a horticulturalist.
Are Deb and Bob house-sitting while we're in Florida?
No, they're in Thailand,
visiting the clinic they opened on their honeymoon.
What is all this stuff, anyway?
After Denny was sent away to military school,
your father turned this into a learning laboratory for you-know-who.
Can't you talk yet, Mr Munchkin Head, you little...
Greg, Greg, don't infantilise him. Talk to him like an adult.
Muskrat.
- Muskrat, Jack. - Right.
Try to understand, he's a little person.
His communication skills aren't verbal yet, but he understands. Observe.
LJ, are you hungry?
Look at that.
"I would like to eat more, please."
"I'd like a nap, and then later I'll enjoy a nice poop."
I've heard about this baby signing stuff.
This is, like, cutting edge. Like... yeah.
At his age, Greg, his mind is like a sponge.
But when he reaches your age,
his mind will be less capable of absorbing information.
He's so cute. Can I hold him?
I don't think that's such a good idea, Greg.
Muskrat.
All right. All right.
This is Greg. Greg will not drop you. OK?
OK.
- Be careful. - Hello. Hello.
I think he likes me.
No?
- Shit. - Focker.
He's absorbing you.
I don't want his first word to be a profanity.
It's OK. Cover your nose. You're terrifying him.
- I'll get a towel. - Focker.
Cool how your dad's so into being a grandparent.
I think it freaks my mom out. He spends every last second with that kid.
Oh, my God.
Daddy?
Daddy, what is this thing?
A custom-designed motor coach.
Jack calls it the "Highlight of our Twilight".
- This is incredible. - Isn't it?
It's like a tank.
In these uncertain times, I opted for a Kevlar-reinforced hull
with two-inch thick Plexiglas windows,
like on the Russian Widowmaker submarines.
I want you to conduct a field test for us, Greg.
I want you to demonstrate the impregnable outer skin of the coach.
Throw it at the window.
Jack. I'm not gonna throw a brick at your window.
- It's a simple demonstration. - No.
- Throw the brick, Greg. - OK. Just...
- All your might. - All right.
Don't worry. Your rental insurance will take care of it.
Jack?
Come on. We'll call a tow truck from the road.
- The road? - Yeah, we're driving this to Miami.
I thought we were flying tomorrow.
No. Airline travel being what it is these days, so unreliable,
I'll feel more comfortable knowing I have my own Posturepedic bed,
my own thermostat, my own lavatory facility.
So we're all gonna be in this together?
We hit the road in exactly seven minutes, 27 seconds.
This way we'll get in early, spend an extra half-day with your parents.
- Isn't that great? - That is great.
...but I'm the one that gets the fumes.
- I'm in the mood for a chimichanga. - So make a...
Hey, guys, it's me.
I'm getting worried that I haven't heard back from you.
There's been a little change of plans. We're coming down in Jack's RV.
We'll be arriving tomorrow afternoon, not tomorrow night.
OK, tomorrow afternoon. And they're bringing their little grandson.
So... He's a baby, so... I don't know.
Welcome aboard, me hearties.
This is incredible.
- It's as big as our apartment. - Pretty neat, huh?
Mr Jinx finally learned how to flush the toilet, huh?
Yeah, Jack installed a special flusher and he learned in about two days.
Hey there, Jinxy. How are you doing?
Ready to hit the road, Co-Captain?
- I'm the co-captain? - Let's set sail, sailor.
Good afternoon.
This is Captain Jack Byrnes speaking.
- Daddy. - A quick announcement.
As a courtesy to fellow passengers,
the on-board lavatory should be used for number one only.
Should a need for number two arise,
we'll stop at a rest stop or a heavily wooded area.
Thank you. Welcome aboard.
I like that thing. You mind if I make a little announcement?
Well, only the captain gets to make an announcement.
Do you want to honk the horn?
Sure.
Only the captain gets to honk the horn.
Look.
Hey, Jinxy. See that?
LJ, are you hungry, do you want some milk?
Hey, Jack.
- She wants you to honk the horn. - Not interested.
Rules of the road. She honks, you honk.
Come on, Jack. Give her a honk.
There you go.
Yeah. Hey. Looks like a team or something.
"Honk if you're horny."
Thanks for that, Greg.
I'm the one that gets the fumes.
- I'm in the mood for a chimichanga. - So make a...
Hey, there.
No hard feelings, all right?
Friends?
What's that? What are you saying?
Wait a minute. What does this mean? I know what this means.
Squeeze, squeeze, squeeze. Poop.
You gotta poop? OK. Good. Thank you for warning me.
Everybody poops. Sometimes it hurts. It's OK. Just let it...
Let it come out.
- What did you do? - Nothing. I think he has to poop.
That's not the sign for poop. It's the sign for milk.
- This is the poop sign. - What's the sign for sour milk?
This tastes a little funky.
Because that's from Debbie's left breast.
She pumped for a week to give us enough for the trip.
- OK, snack pack for Little Jack. - What are you doing there?
During the breast-feeding stage, Greg,
infants can get confused when separated from their mothers.
So I invented something to ease LJ's anxiety during chow time.
I call it the Manary Gland.
I had it made from an exact cast of Debbie's left bosom.
Oh, yeah. OK.
It's been so effective, I'm thinking of getting it patented.
- Would you like to touch it? - I wouldn't.
- Feel how soft it is. - I can see how soft it is from here.
- No, feel it, Greg. - It looks... Yeah.
Just feel the breast, Greg.
- Just... - Watch the nipple. Just around here.
The nipple is his.
Oh, yeah. It's got a great, lifelike kinda...
Or what I would imagine Debbie's breast might feel like.
Not that I would know.
Greg?
What?
You promised you wouldn't take the boob out in front of company.
Nothing to be ashamed of. Breast-feeding is natural.
Dad, that's not natural, that's just weird.
As soon as Little Jack's topped off, we're gonna hit the road.
Oh, Jack. You can't drive any more.
Dr Monroe said no aggravating your sciatica.
We're on a precise schedule.
We bunk here tonight, we hit horrendous traffic in the morning.
- Greg? - Yeah?
Maybe you can drive the night shift.
I could do that. I am the co-captain.
So I think that falls under my responsibilities, right?
- Keep her at 55. Stay alert. - Yeah.
I want to get behind the wheel of this big boy.
You got it. Pass.
Sorry. Gotta go 55. Captain Jack's orders.
- Would you like some company? - Yeah, sure. You can't sleep?
Have a seat.
- How about a cappuccino? - You don't have to do that.
- It's no problem for me. - Really? Yeah? OK.
Dina. Wake up and make Greg a cappuccino.
Shake a leg, woman.
Jesus. You know what, I'm not that tired. Really. It's...
Relax, Greg. This cockpit's completely soundproof.
You should have seen the look on your face.
OK. You got me. That was a good one.
Yes, it was. Yes.
That's funny.
But you should never talk to a woman like that. It's disrespectful.
- Right. Of course. Yeah. - Greg.
A man reaches an age when he realizes what's truly important.
And you know what that is?
Love and friendship?
Enjoying the moment? Living, just... Love.
- His legacy. - That too. Right. Yeah, sure.
Now, my grandson, Little Jack, is part of that legacy.
In six months, you and Pam are gonna be married.
Then you'll want to start your own family.
Actually, on that subject...
- I've thought about the wedding date. - We'll discuss that later.
Let's get back on point.
Let me put it very simply.
If your family circle does indeed join my family circle,
they'll form a chain.
I can't have a chink in my chain.
Yeah. OK. I get the metaphor.
Now, I've never met your parents, so I won't jump to hasty conclusions.
But like studying a frozen caveman, if I see where you came from,
I'll have a better idea of where you're going.
OK. Are you thinking, maybe my parents
might be a chink in the chain?
A doctor and a lawyer. What's there to worry about?
It seems very nice.
Is that your father?
That is my father.
Gaylord. What the heck is that contraption?
- I thought you were flying in tonight. - I left you a message.
- I didn't get a message. - I left five messages.
Will you get over here and plant one on me?
I've been waiting so long to see my best buddy.
- Good to see you. - Come here. Come here.
- I missed your smell. - All right.
Is this not the most handsome young man you've ever seen?
I used to call him a young Jewish Marlon Brando.
Can you believe I conceived him with one testicle?
No, really. It's true.
I only have one because the other one never dropped.
It's not uncommon. But look at him.
Imagine what he would have looked like if I had two.
That's a good icebreaker.
There's the sexiest second-grade teacher I've ever seen.
That was a good one.
Gets her every time. Goose bumps. She loves it.
I'm Dina Byrnes. It's so nice to meet you.
The pleasure is all mine, mon cherie.
- You gotta be the flower man. - Right. Jack Byrnes. Pam's father.
Bernard Focker, Gaylord's father.
We're all grown-ups here, and we shake hands like men.
All right.
We're just playing here. Give me some love.
We're family now.
What are you so shy about? Come here.
Look at those pecs. You're harder than sheetrock.
You gotta work out with weights, right?
I do calisthenics and medicine-ball training
and I play bi-monthly football.
Oh, football. I was just practising my capoeira.
- What? - What?
The Brazilian martial-art of dance-fighting.
He knows what that is. Yeah.
You know, I've been doing it for weeks.
Really into it. Keeps me level.
Sometimes I get wound up so tight I could just snap.
You know what I mean?
What is that? Is that a baby on board?
That's a baby. Yes, yes.
It's all in the message.
Moses. Go ahead. Say hello to your future in-laws.
- He's harmless. - Oh, my.
- Yeah, and fixed. Moses. - It's all right. He's...
- Just shake him off. - No. He likes the shaking. Get off.
Don't worry. The pink part didn't get on you.
- Get in your basket. Go. - He's all talk.
- Who's this? - This is our grandson, Little Jack.
A widdle baby.
How are you, Widdle Jack?
Dad, don't infantilise him. Just talk to him like a person.
What are you talking about? I'm gonna talk to him like a baby.
He likes me.
When Roz's dad died I said, "Hey, we're freezing here in Detroit."
"Let's head south and get some year-round fun in the sun."
This house is over 100 years old...
Continue the tour. I'll tell Mom we're here.
The upstairs bathroom is on el fritzo so we'll all share this one.
And there's a water scarcity on the island, so we abide by
the "If it's yellow, let it mellow, if it's brown, flush it down" policy.
Forgot my own rule.
The RV's paying for itself already.
All right, kids. Forward. And backward.
Rotate those hips.
Let's get your kundalini rising.
It's time for the ladies to get into the reverse cowgirl position.
Guys, lie across the Liberator pad like so.
Everyone look at how Ira's doing it.
The man is loose, he's limber and ready for action.
Climb aboard, girls, and let me hear your bodies talk.
Yes.
This position is terrific for anyone with osteoporosis, gout or goitre.
Stay with me. We're almost done.
Honey.
All right, guys. We have to wrap it up.
Take your Liberator pads,
and don't forget to stretch before you try this at home.
We don't want anyone shattering a pelvis.
Hello, my precious. I love you so much.
I haven't seen my bubeleh in months.
You feel thin. You're not eating. What's the matter?
I'm fine. How will we explain these people?
They're leaving. The Byrneses won't know they were here.
You agreed to be discreet about being a sex therapist
until you know Jack and Dina better.
I'll be discreet. I put all my toys away.
- My office is all ready for them. - Your office? No.
- They're going upstairs. - They'll be comfortable.
The plumbing, you don't wanna know.
Talk about something important. How are things with you and Pam?
- They're great. - They're great?
You have to work to keep things going.
Does she still climax regularly?
Mom, you can't talk that way this weekend, OK?
Honey, I didn't raise you to be a so-so lover.
- What is he doing? - What?
Don't worry about that.
Mom, you've got to get these people out of here.
Wipe that little gloss off you. OK.
- They converted it. - You hunt deer?
No, I hate that thing. Roz's father gave it to us.
He was into all that macho-wacho crap.
So is Greg. He and I went duck hunting together.
- Duck hunting. Me and you. - Duck hunting. Yeah.
What? Gay? You went duck hunting with Jack?
Yeah. We went on a little hunting trip.
- You shot a duck. - I shot at a duck.
You killed an innocent creature of the sky?
Did I? I think I might have clipped it or...
Never really checked.
Oh, Lord.
And now for the pièce de résistance...
- My goodness. - Something I'm working on.
I see.
Mom'll be in in a sec. What's that?
It's you. It's the Wall of Gaylord.
The Wall of Gaylord?
Isn't it nice to finally display your accomplishments?
Look at all your awards. That's great.
He's my champion.
I didn't know they made ninth place ribbons.
They got 'em all the way up to tenth place.
Anybody want to get a drink out by the lagoon?
This one looks impressive.
"Mazel tov, Gaylord M Focker: World's Greatest Nurse."
Very nice.
We have tried to instil a sense of self in Gaylord
- without being too goal-oriented. - Be nice.
It's not about winning or losing. It's about passion.
We just wanted him to love what he's doing. Know what I mean?
Not really, Bernard. I think a competitive drive is the essential key
that makes America the only remaining superpower today.
Well, whatever works.
- Don't forget the positions. - Bye. You're a lifesaver.
Thank you, BJ. Goodbye, Sidelle.
Ira, easy on the thrusting. You're not 78 any more.
What kind of work does your mother do with those patients?
Those look like yoga mats. Is there yoga involved?
It's yoga-esque. It's sort of a couples therapy.
Kind of mind/body. It's kind of her own sort of...
Rozala. Sweetheart. Living room.
Hello. Hello, hello.
How are you, baby girl? Oh, my God.
- Look at you, you're glowing. - Thank you.
Hi. I'm Roz Focker. You must be Jack.
- And you must be Dina. - Hi.
I can't believe it's taken us this long to meet.
- And who's this little hairball? - Their grandson, Baby Jack.
He's so adorable. I could eat him up.
Bern, did you show them where they're sleeping?
Right. We don't have air-conditioning,
so I made a nice spot for you in Roz's office
cos it gets a breeze and it's near the communal commode.
Actually, we're gonna stay in our motor home.
In the trailer? Come on, Jack.
We're family. We sleep under the same roof.
Mom's office is cluttered, so that works out.
It's really easier with Little Jack. No, really, we insist.
If they want to sleep in a trailer, let them.
Mom, it's not a trailer. It's like a hotel on wheels.
- It's incredible. - This is practically a hotel.
I'd do a turndown service with chocolates under the pillow.
Wherever you feel comfortable.
- It's not right. - Let it go.
- Let it go? Fine. - Yeah, let it go.
Are you sulking? Look at this. I married a teenager.
Right? At least you have the libido of a teenager.
- I gave her a little matinee today. - Don't you dare. Stop it.
How about a double feature?
Come on.
The lagoon. Why don't we show them the lagoon?
- The lagoon. Come see the lagoon. - Jack, come on, come on.
We'll get drunk. We'll take a piss in the lagoon.
Roz, take them outside and show them around.
I'll make the drinks.
Oh, God.
- Hey, Dad. - It's going good, right?
You gotta take down that weird shrine.
I'm very proud of you. What's wrong with showing it?
It's ridiculous. Most people aren't proud of sixth place.
Since when do you care about most people?
I don't. But Jack is really into winning and competition and sports.
- It's a whole other thing with him. - You're a winner up here and in here.
That's all that matters.
OK. Thank you. I don't know what that means, but thank you.
To solve that problem I created a lifelike latex left breast
moulded from his mother's left breast,
so this way LJ will avoid any nipple confusion.
You're avoiding confusion by strapping a boob on a man?
Believe it or not, it is less confusing
because of the texture of the breast itself.
I guess it's very creative. It's very creative.
A little birdie told me
that one of our guests here is a Tom Collins man.
For pity's sake. Isn't that nice, Jack?
That is nice. Thank you.
Don't drink. I wanna make a toast.
Now. I had a vasectomy in 1974.
- '73, honey. - You're right. '73.
So I never had a chance to procreate a daughter.
But had I been able to, I really would have wanted
a girl as sensitive and as intelligent
and as beautiful as this young lady
- sitting right here before us. - Thank you, Bernie.
- And she's not an accident... - Greg.
- Yeah? - I thought you had a sister.
Nope. No sister.
You said you had a sister. You said you milked your sister's cat.
OK, I'm not done yet.
What I'm trying to say is, it's taken far too long to do this.
You know. But we're finally all together.
That's nice, honey.
Oh, thank you.
All right. That's enough.
- L'Chaim, everyone. - L'Chaim.
Like you have popcorn stuck in the throat.
- OK. To family. - Family.
I forgot. I want to say one more thing about my vasectomy.
Sit down. Honey, get yourself over here.
- I went overboard? - A little bit, honey.
But you're so cute they'd forgive you anything.
God, you're so beautiful. You are the sexiest woman alive.
You're just trying to get me back into bed.
Or the hammock.
This is a delicious Tom Collins.
I use real lemon juice. It's from our trees. That's the secret.
He was squeezing all afternoon.
Yeah. And, Jack, I managed to make some lemon juice, too.
- Gay. Are you all right? - Are you OK, honey?
I think that Roz and Bernie seem like very nice people.
Very nice. A little off-colour, but very nice.
But isn't it wonderful? After all this, the kids are finally getting married.
- I feel so happy. - Wait, I think he just spoke.
Little Jack. Were you about to speak?
No. Just a little flatulence. What were you saying?
Nothing, dear.
- Guys. - What?
- Where are you going? - Checking out Jack's macho trailer.
- I want to see that boob. - Could I talk to you for a second?
Don't let Moses go in there. They have a cat.
Moses is perfectly trained. What boob?
- He humps everything. - He's like his father.
- I never cheated on you. - They're not listening to me.
- What's up? - They're getting along really well.
Yeah, they are. I feel bad that I worried so much.
Yeah. It's OK.
What's going on?
- I'm pregnant. - You're pregnant?
I'm two weeks late, nauseous,
my boobs hurt and I can smell everything.
- You're gonna have a baby. - A baby, yeah.
- We're gonna have a little baby. - A baby. I'm pregnant.
Yeah.
Oh, shit.
You realize your father's going to kill me.
No. He's not gonna find out, because we're not gonna tell him.
No. Come on. He's a human lie detector.
- He lives to sniff out stuff like this. - We'll get through tomorrow
and we'll tell them on Sunday before we go.
I just hate keeping secrets from your dad.
It's just one little secret.
Oh, hi, neighbours.
- Hello. - The Fockers, honey.
- Fancy-schmancy. - Welcome to the chateau.
No wonder they don't want to sleep in our shitbox.
I don't think the dog is a good idea.
Moses is more of a lover than a fighter.
- Jinx. - Moses.
He's always dreamed of me having a white wedding. He'll be upset.
I know.
Moses.
- Jinxy. - Moses.
I told you to keep him out of the RV.
- He wanted to see it. - Dad.
Moses. Moses.
Get that goddamn dog out of here.
Mo...
- Oh, God. - Dad.
- Whoa. - Jinx.
- Jinx, don't do it. - Jinxy, no.
No.
Jesus. Moses. Hold on.
Moses, hold on, I'll save you.
The cat can flush?
Oh, my God.
- It's OK. - Get out of the way.
- That's my toilet. - I have to get my dog.
What about my toilet?
Moses.
Greg, grab the baby.
He's alive.
He's fine. So much for the protection of our rolling safe house.
Oh, honey, he was trying to save his pet.
I mean, what if it was Jinxy who got flushed into a toilet?
Mr Jinx has had aquatic training. He would have known exactly what to do.
20-minute warning for dinner, guys.
Sorry about the trailer, Jack.
Muskrat.
It's OK, Bernard.
- We're not telling your father. - That's what I was saying.
- What do you want to do? - I'm not sure.
I thought we'd be married before we got pregnant.
- Hey. - What?
What if we move the wedding up to next month?
Then we tell your dad you got pregnant on the honeymoon.
Oh, my God. Yeah, that could work.
- It's perfect, right? - Yeah.
- OK, good, just follow my lead. - OK.
Without further ado, my famous Focker fondue.
Go on. Dig in. Get it while it's hot.
That is so impressive, Bernie. Did you do that yourself?
Sure. I love to cook.
I can't even fry an egg. I burn cornflakes.
I'm amazed he finds time to cook with such a high-powered career.
High-powered? I wouldn't exactly call it...
- Why did you kick me? - I kicked you because
you're being modest and you should tell people
that you are a good lawyer.
He's fought some big, important legal battles.
When Gay was born, I stopped practising and became a stay-at-home dad.
Believe me, he won a trial or two in his day.
- Extremely good trial lawyer. - A regular Clarence Darrow.
So Roz was the breadwinner and you didn't have a job.
- Dad... - Honey.
Come on. You could say he had the hardest job.
- He's just kidding. - Of course. I'm... Yes.
Why don't we jump into the big Focker-Byrnes wedding?
Yes. Good.
I know we've mentioned a fall wedding...
Isabel?
- Is that Isabel? - Yes. Our former housekeeper.
She has her own catering business now.
I asked her to come and help Bernie in the kitchen.
- You didn't say she was here. - Gay had a monster crush on her.
- Really? - I didn't have a monster crush...
- You didn't tell me. - It's not true.
Not true that I didn't catch you doing a ba-ziga to her passport photo?
- Honey, stop. - I walk in the door...
Where is he? There's my baby.
It's good to see you.
- I haven't seen you in years. - I know.
Yes. You... Yeah, look at you. You look...
I know. I had a boob job.
Yeah.
Hey. This is Dina and Jack Byrnes.
Hi, Isabel.
And this is Pam Byrnes, my fiancée.
Nice to meet you too.
Not yet married and already a little one?
He is a handsome little Focker.
- No, he's not a Focker. - No, he's not mine.
You stayed to raise her child? Good for you.
He's Pam's nephew. He has no connection to Greg whatsoever.
I love you, too.
He wants some milk.
Little Jack, no. Those aren't for you.
- Mom. - I think I'll take him inside.
Good idea.
You are a very lucky woman, Pam.
He is very special, this one.
- I think so too. - I could tell you some stories.
- Really? - She's just being silly.
- It was nice to meet you all. - Nice to meet you.
So sweet. Gosh. So sweet.
Do you guys want some more wine?
You did good.
- She's very pretty, this one. - Yeah, she's really great.
Can you believe it's been 15 years?
So many wonderful memories from those days.
Yes. Yes. A lot of wonderful, kind of private, memories.
So you never told your fiancée about us?
No, I don't think I did. It never really came up.
Not that I didn't want her to know, it just never really...
Not that it wasn't great. It was really... For me, it...
And you were so helpful.
Don't worry, your secret's safe with me.
OK. There's no secrets.
But good. Yeah, maybe keep it quiet this weekend.
I don't want Pam to feel uncomfortable.
And then later, when it's the proper setting...
OK. Yeah. Good.
Good.
And the fondue. It's going over.
Gay, you're just in time
to hear me tell how you lost your virginity to Isabel.
He was 19. A late bloomer.
You slept with Isabel?
We were relieved.
- Why would you bring that up? - What? It was 15 years ago.
Your father thought it would be fun to share stories about our first time.
- Really? That sounds like fun. - It's fine.
Tell how you poppity-popped your cherry.
I don't feel comfortable discussing that with you.
Let's get back to talking about the wedding.
- Yeah. - Thank you.
What... Didn't you just take Little Jack back to the room?
I'm monitoring him from a microphone planted in his crib.
Baby monitors, hidden cameras. Whatever happened to privacy?
Surveillance technology protects the freedoms
we Americans take advantage of today.
He's right. It has been good.
Son, that is bullcrap in a chef's salad.
Jack, tell me one smart thing the CLIA has done,
I will give you the deed to her house.
The CLIA?
The Central Lack of Intelligence Agency.
That baby might need a pull on that knocker of yours, Jack.
It's OK. We're Ferberizing him.
- What? - The Ferber method.
You let him cry it out so he doesn't depend on coddling.
And yet, the Continuum Concept
shows that a baby benefits more from constant physical contact.
- We use the Ferber method. - We used the Focker method.
We hugged and kissed our little prince like there was no tomorrow.
We Fockerised him.
That's right. Greggy slept in our bed till he was ten.
- Oh, my God. - It wasn't quite that long.
- Yes, it was. - I wasn't ten.
- Nine and a half at least. - Mom, I don't think so.
I didn't sleep in their bed till I was ten.
- Get the photo album. - I'm one step ahead of you.
No, we're eating dinner. Come on.
These are the curls from his first trip to the barber shop.
Nobody wants to see this.
- Show Jack. - Look at all those little teeth.
Isn't that sweet? Somebody looks very grumpy there.
- That's Gay with the mohel. - The mohel?
He's the man who snips the baby's little winky-dink.
That's Greg getting circumcised, right here.
The ceremony was at my parents'.
There was a cold snap... Tell it.
The heater conked out so no matter how he tried,
the mohel couldn't coax Greggy's tiny turtle from its shell.
Let's not talk about the tiny turtle, OK? This is dinner.
Honey, half the people at this table have penises.
- Mom, control yourself. - Roz, he's right.
- You're embarrassing him. - I'm sorry.
To make a long story short, he wound up with a semi-circ.
- What's that? - I can't wait to hear this.
- A cross between an anteater... - And a German army helmet.
But, honey, you wanted to talk about the wedding, right?
Don't tell me you kept his umbilical cord.
Of course not. That's Greg's foreskin.
That's it. That's enough.
- Come on. We're having fun. - We're not having fun.
- Why deny us our memories? - Because we're done.
Anyone in the mood for a Chinese?
You told me your first time was with a Danish transfer student.
You weren't upfront about your engagement to Kevin.
- Well, he wasn't my baby-sitter. - OK, I should have told you.
Can we just let it go, please?
We've both got enough stuff to deal with this weekend.
- Oh. Hi, Jack. - Hello, Greg.
- Funny dinner, huh? - How do you mean?
You're studying my family like the frozen caveman.
So I just don't want you to be worried, OK?
They're a little quirky but they're really well-intentioned.
- I think they were just nervous. - Greg.
Tomorrow will be better.
Sorry, ma'am. I thought you ordered room service.
Are you sure you don't want any whipped cream with your sundae?
- Bern, stop it. - Who's Bern?
- I'm Chad the bellhop. - Oh, no. We did that last week.
Be Sam the carpet-cleaning man.
Why would a carpet cleaner have whipped cream?
Improvise, honey.
Evening, Miss, I'm here to clean your carpet.
Do you mind if I put some foam down on your rug?
I don't mind at all.
- Good night, Greg. - Sleep well.
How long have you worked at this hotel?
It's time to put some snow on your mountains.
Get some whipped cream on those Tetons.
- Guys. - Come back in the morning.
Gay, see the cowboy hat on the door?
Hat is off the door. No cowboy hat this weekend.
I'm coming in, so stop doing what you're doing.
Look, I was talking to... Oh, no.
You know what that cowboy hat means.
- Please help me out here. - What? We're just being ourselves.
- Mom, please... - He's saying not to be.
Be yourselves, but be yourselves in a way
that's a little less than being your full selves.
I don't understand this. Why are you so afraid of Jack?
You've kissed his ass since you got here.
I'm not afraid. That's not true.
- It is. - You went duck hunting with him.
Our people don't shoot ducks.
Just make Jack feel more comfortable.
You don't want us to be ourselves.
I don't want you to break his RV and say I had sex with Isabel
and play weird sex games that everybody can hear. Mom.
If you ask me, it wouldn't be so bad if your future in-laws heard this.
Don't therapise the Byrneses this weekend. At all. OK?
A few minutes of concentrated work with him and Dina,
she'd get him to blow like Krakatoa.
Right. OK. Yeah. You know what?
Just give me one day without any complications.
We get through it, everybody goes off, we go on with our lives.
- Can we do that? - You got it, dude.
- Thank you. - Hon?
- Put the hat back on the door. - No.
- No cowboy hat this weekend. - But tonight doesn't count.
- All aboard. - My God, that tickles.
Morning, partner.
- Morning. - Sleep OK?
I slept all right, thank you.
It's nice all of us being here together, don't you think?
Bernard, do you mind if I have some privacy?
Almost done.
Bernie, this frittata is wonderful. What's in it?
A lot of the taste comes from this skillet. I never wash it.
Hey, guys, can I have everybody's attention, please?
Gay, I'll be back in a sec.
OK. Dad? All right.
- So... Mom? - Yeah.
I know we've been talking about having the wedding in October,
but Pam and I have been playing around with some ideas
and we're thinking of moving it up to June.
- Nice. - This June?
- Yeah. - Yeah.
That's... That's in a month.
I always wanted a spring wedding.
We can announce it at the party tonight.
- Good idea. - Wait. What party?
Jack, let's play football.
Your father and I are throwing an engagement soirée
for you two lovebirds.
Would you look at that punim?
That's so sweet. Thank you, guys.
I thought we were having a quiet dinner?
- It was supposed to be a surprise. - The list keeps growing.
Now it's up to 50 Fockers.
When were you going to tell us about this?
50 Fockers. What could be better?
What are you doing? We never play football.
Trying to cement relationships.
Jack said he was into footie-ball.
Let's show El Stiffo how we play the game.
- "Footie-ball"? - Come on. Come on, let's play.
I'm feeling tired. I'll sit this out with Little Jack.
- You want company? - No, Dina.
You and I will take on Jack and Roz.
Come on, Jack. It'll be fun. We'll swap wives.
Don't worry. You'll get him back after the game.
We'll play three on two with somebody as quarterback.
- Gay goes both ways. - Oh, I bet he does.
One. Two.
- Huddle up. - I want it down and in.
Draw in the defence, then you'll hit Roz here for a TD.
What do you mean? He hits me where with a what? Why?
I'll throw it, you catch.
- You want me to catch that thing? - Yeah. On two. Ready?
One. Two.
Go, Mom, go.
- This way. - That way. That way.
It's over. It's over.
Your ass is mine.
Remember that time in the park? Remember the park?
Guys, come on, cut it out.
- I'm so proud of you. - I caught the ball, honey.
- Mom, come on. - I caught the ball.
- Huddle up. - I'm bored.
Here. Dina, come on. Let's go.
- You want a spritzer? - What? Oh, a spritzer. Yummy.
Dad, you've got to focus. He's beating you down the field.
- You want me to be macho-wacho? - What?
Have I ever said "macho-wacho" to you?
I got it. Gay, I won't disappoint you.
OK, let's try again. I want to stop and go.
Fake the short pass and hit me with a Hail Mary. Got that?
Yeah. Do you want to mix it up a little, or...
No. I've exposed Bernie's weakness. I want to take advantage of it.
Exposed his weakness? OK. All right. On four?
Four.
Just you and me, Jack. Mano a mano.
Think you can take me, Flower Man?
Pretty sure I can, Mr Mom.
You're going down, Byrnesy boy.
I'm gonna rearrange your bouquet.
Sell the pump-fake, Greg. That Focker's gonna bite.
One. Two. Three.
Four.
- Oh, God. - Daddy, are you OK?
Shit. Jack, don't move.
- Hey, Jack, are you OK? - I'm fine, Greg. Thank you.
I see that kind of injury all the time. Let me give you a quick exam.
No, I'm fine. I'll have my doctor look at it at home.
OK.
It's amazing how your father anticipated the pump-fake.
It's almost like he knew it was coming.
Well, he definitely takes competition seriously.
How a man handles himself on the field
says a lot about his character.
- Know what I mean? - Yeah. OK.
- Hey. - Hey, we got him, didn't we, dude?
- Was he impressed? - No, Dad. He wasn't.
That was a hard shot, you could have hurt him.
I just wanted it to be fun, but you wanted to win
so, you know, you got me all steamed up.
I asked you to play a little defence, not turn it into a blood sport.
I play too easy. I play too hard.
- What are you asking me to do? - I'm not asking anything of you, Dad.
Just go down there and apologize. He thinks it was a cheap shot.
- Sure. OK. Whatever you say. - OK.
- I can't win with this kid. - Honey, it's OK.
- Hi, baby. - Hey.
So...
- How far along is Pam? - What?
Come on, I knew it the minute I saw her.
Her boobs are bigger, she's hormonal, no wine at dinner, no football.
She just found out yesterday.
Honey. My bubeleh's gonna have a baby.
My bubeleh's gonna be a father. Oh, my God.
Tell me. Talk to me. This is so exciting.
What?
- You didn't tell Dad? - Not yet. He's gonna plotz.
- You can't tell him. - Why not?
Because he can't keep a secret. Do you think Jack knows?
That guy is in such denial, he thinks his daughter's still a virgin.
Pam doesn't want to tell him till after the wedding.
- That is ridiculous. - It isn't.
- You don't know him. - Fine. My lips are sealed.
I am so excited and thrilled for you.
I'm so happy for you two.
- Did you plan this? - No, it just sorta happened.
- How did it happen? - How?
It just happened. You know how it happens.
I mean, I'm not gonna go into details.
- But, honey, I love details. - Sorry.
All right. OK.
You know, honey, many unplanned pregnancies happen
because the man is such a sexual dynamo
and the woman craves his sperm
on an unconscious but very powerful level.
I'm not comfortable having this conversation.
- No? - I've said that since I was 11.
- All right. Love you. - Love you, too.
Jack, what say you and me go into town?
- I got a guy who can fix your RV. - I'm in far too much physical agony.
I'm sorry. But it'll be good for you to get out and about.
Perfect. I can take the girls shopping in Coconut Grove.
Little Jack is on a specific napping schedule.
- I'd better stay here. - No. Go.
Greg can watch him. He has wonderful parental instincts.
Greg deals with little kids in the E.R. All the time.
They don't call me Barry Poppins for nothing.
That's funny.
Why would someone call you Barry Poppins?
They wouldn't.
Remember, Greg, we're Ferberizing him,
so unless it's an emergency,
under no circumstances should you pick him up when he cries.
- OK. - He's learning to self-soothe.
That means no television, no unapproved toys,
and most of all, no monkey business of any kind. Clear?
No monkey business.
- Jack. Shall we get a move on? - I'm ready.
I love this, Roz. This is a great find.
Oh, good. It's loose, so you can wear it even if you gain a few pounds.
Isn't that lovely?
Honey, are you all right? You look a little flushed.
It's the heat. It takes some getting used to.
I'm fine, I'm gonna try this on. Thank you, Roz.
And now, madam. Let's find something sexy for the mama to wear.
Look at this little number.
I think this'll get Jack's blood flowing.
Jack would have a coronary.
I thought so.
Oh, Dina. Talk to me.
What's really going on with that man? He seems very uptight.
Jack's always been a little wound up.
His job was very stressful.
Being a florist is stressful?
There's more to it than people think.
If you don't mind me asking... How's your sex life?
I can't tell you that.
What's the big deal? I'm a professional.
I'm a sex therapist specializing in senior sexuality.
I knew those weren't yoga mats.
No.
Well, we're not 25 anymore.
You're not dead, either.
Many couples our age lack intimacy in marriage.
I didn't say we weren't intimate. There are special occasions.
Anniversaries and... Well, on our anniversary.
- I beg your pardon? - Not good.
I think that I can help you and Jack reconnect.
How?
Well, it all starts with a little bit of,
how shall I say, intimate contact.
Yeah? Oh, my. That tingles.
Every pleasure in the body can be stimulated through the ears.
I would give it a shot with Jack tonight.
- What's going on over here? - Nothing. Just having some girl talk.
Roz.
OK. Here's the deal, LJ.
I'll give you some attention.
But you have to promise you don't tell Grandpa Jack anything, OK?
All right. Good.
OK, I don't know what that means, but I'll trust you.
All right. Here we go. OK. OK.
It's OK.
A little huggy-wuggy never hurt anybody.
I know we're not supposed to watch TV, but we won't tell Grandpa Jack.
Oh, look. Look. It's Elmo.
Do you like fishes?
You don't like fishes? No.
OK. OK.
Hey. I got an idea. Let's see what pre-approved genius toys
Grandpa Jack has in his big basket of fun.
Oh, look. Look. It's a... It's a... an abacus.
Abacuses aren't that much fun, are they?
I don't know why people think they are.
Look at this. Look. It's bolts on a plank.
Fun bolts. No, not very fun.
Hey.
A little birdie. Look. He sings.
And if that mocking bird don't sing
Then Greg is gonna buy you a diamond ring
And if that diamond ring gets sold
Greg's gonna feel like a big asshole
Ass... hole.
No, no, you don't want to say that word. No, that's a bad word.
- Ass... hole. - No, no.
- I thought this was a repair shop. - This is better.
That's Isabel's son, Jorge. 15 years old. He can fix anything.
Hey, Bernie.
Georgie-boy.
So, I think you got a tear in the bilateral valve.
- 15, huh? - Genius.
Jorge, no more tinkering until you finish your science homework.
I was gonna finish it, but Mr Gerson is out with rickets.
He said definitely don't do it until his rickets are cured, and...
Who knows if he's ever telling the truth?
Bernie?
I made chimichangas. You guys want?
Have you ever known me to turn down a chimi?
- Jack, you in the mood, amigo? - No, thanks.
Why are you looking at me funny? I said I...
No, you just look like somebody I know.
No, no, no. Tadpole. Tadpole.
- Can you say tadpole? - Ass... hole.
Jack's mole. Jack has a big mole on his face.
- Is your father a mechanic? - I don't know. I never met him.
Never met your dad? Well, that's unfortunate.
But very interesting.
Mind if I take a picture of you?
- You know, just for fun. - OK.
Mr Moose likes to say good words
He doesn't like you to say bad words
Ass... hole.
OK, just hang on a sec there.
Ass... hole.
- Yeah, hello? - Hi, it's me. How's it going?
Horribly. He's crying and screaming and cursing.
That poor kid is desperate for human contact.
Hold him and kiss him. Do whatever it takes.
I've been hugging him in secret. Feeding him chocolates, too.
...and told Elmo all about it.
All animals have babies.
Say hello to my little friend.
He's probably teething, so put a dab of rum in his milk.
It'll ease the pain and he'll go to sleep.
- Give him a drink? - Less than a thimbleful.
You don't want Jack coming home to a screaming baby.
Listen to your mother. Goodbye. I love you.
All right. Mom?
OK, Little Jack, I got a surprise for you.
Little Jack?
Mr Moose is looking for you. Oh, shit.
Where the hell did he go?
LJ? Little Jack.
LJ. Little Jack. Where are you?
Does that Jorge resemble anyone you know?
No one I know.
There's something you don't see every day.
Focker. Focker.
OK, I know this looks bad, but I can explain.
What happened? I said no monkey business.
- There was no monkey business. - You're wearing my breast.
Little Jack is drinking. Moses is sodomizing Jinxy.
No monkey business? What is going on here?
- We're home. - Hey, guys.
Give me the bottle.
- What happened to Little Jack? - His hands are stuck.
- Thanks. - You bet they're stuck.
Greg, how did this happen? And why are you wearing antlers?
- It's very complicated. - It's just glue. He's fine.
He's not. If he had the use of his hands, he'd say so.
- All right. - Honey, are you OK?
- Greg... - Dina? Pam?
Yes, Dad. Coming. Little Jack?
Honey, I said a thimble, not a bottle.
- Oh, Greg. - Hey.
- How's the little guy doing? - Everything's just as good as new.
- Yeah? - Dad, come on.
- Is he all right? - He's asleep.
I don't care if they called you Larry Poppins. You can't handle a child.
- It was Barry Poppins. - What cocktail were you making?
He's teething. I told Greg to give him rum to ease the pain.
- It was your idea? - Yes.
- What is wrong with you people? - I used to rub bourbon on Denny's gums.
Look what happened to him. You couldn't follow simple instructions?
He was screaming so I gave him a little attention, OK?
These setbacks are disastrous for his development.
Don't exaggerate.
The child is adorable, but he's not Little Buddha.
What are you saying?
I've seen that kid eat at least 15 boogers since he's been here.
I've got news for you. Prodigies don't eat their own boogers.
And prodigies don't come in tenth place.
OK, Dad, that's my fiancé.
I have never seen people celebrate such mediocrity.
Why? Because we love our son? We hug our son?
The truth is, you are so concerned about that Little Jack
but I think it's the Little Jack in you who's crying out for a hug.
The Little Jack in me?
You have issues. You run around with a rubber boob strapped to your chest.
- Were you breast-fed? - Mom, stop.
- Key question. - I guess not.
Spare the drugstore psychology.
- It all comes down to that. - Everybody, all right, just...
Everybody just stop. OK?
Jack, yes, Little Jack wouldn't stop crying so I gave him some hugs
and I let him watch TV.
I answered the phone, I came back in,
he'd let himself out of the playpen, put on Scarface
and glued his hands to the rum bottle. OK?
- That's it. - Oh. That's it.
Greg just said that's it, so I feel better. That's it.
OK, let it go. He's fine, Greg. He's asleep.
He spoke.
Ass... hole.
- What? - I dunno. Come on.
Did he say what I thought he said?
Little Jack, what did you just say?
Ass... hole.
His first word?
It just slipped out of my mouth. He...
- He has a mind like a sponge. - Enough.
I'm calling a family conference.
Great idea. Let's finally get your problems out on the table.
With my own family. Excuse us. I'd like to talk to Pam and Dina in private.
Of course. Of course. Take your time.
Come on, honey. Come on.
I'm not sure this wedding is a good idea, to say the least.
I don't like what I see of these Fockers.
What?
Has Greg mentioned a Jorge to you?
I don't know what you're talking about. No, why?
I think your fiancé may have skeletons in his closet
he's not telling you about. Skeletons don't like living in closets.
God, here we go again. Dad, listen.
- Greg has no skeletons, OK? - Oh, really?
- No. - You know that?
- Yes. - I see.
- She knows. - I'm not a child.
This wedding is happening.
The sooner you accept it, the better for all of us.
- I can't talk to you. - Wait a second, sweetheart.
I'm not so sure Roz is a yoga instructor either.
Jack, you promised you would behave yourself.
What you said to them was really hurtful.
I think you should go up there and apologise.
I'm not going to apologise to them.
Jack.
A little birdie told me that somebody's gonna be a daddy.
- Mom. - Sorry, honey.
Look at that face. How could I keep it a secret?
He's so excited about being a grandpa.
We can call me Poppity-Pop.
- Pop-a-doodle-doo. - OK, OK. Look.
- But no champagne, OK? - Why?
Jack's angry.
He's also a bit meshuggener. Come on, honey.
How often do we get to be grandparents?
- We are having a toast. - This is a secret.
- Jack can't know till we're married. - Why? We're honest people.
No. I can't stand this secrecy any more.
Please, be quiet.
Why diminish our joy because they live in denial?
Seriously.
I promised Pam, OK?
She thinks it'll break his heart.
- I'm not drinking. - Your father's right.
This is the 21 st century.
Married or not, there's no shame in fatherhood.
This is the fruit of your loins.
That is so beautiful. Say that to him again.
- The fruit of your loins? - Yes.
This is the fruit of your loins.
Let's toast and make a sandwich.
Mom wants to be the cheese.
What are you doing?
What did you do?
- You OK there, Jacko? - What's the matter? What happened?
I was coming to apologise and my back went into spasm.
It's tender from that horrific football accident.
I feel it. You're knotted like a pretzel.
You must be in a lot of pain.
I don't mind. I learn from pain.
Pain, schmain. My fingers are magic. I'll work out the kinks.
Oh, yeah, that's a lovely offer, Jack.
No, thanks, I'll be fine.
My wife does wonderful body work, Jack.
I don't think he needs it.
OK, handsome, shirt off.
I'd rather have it on.
Oh, no dice. No, no, no. It has to come off.
Lovely.
You know, most back pain is psychological.
We carry our emotional baggage right here in our muscles.
I've been watching you, Jack.
Studying your body language.
And you're a very sensual man.
But I'm not sure you realize that.
- What are you doing? - It's a technique I learned in Hawaii.
It's a Lomi-Lomi massage.
Named after the gentle waves of the Polynesian sea.
The waves go in, and the waves go out.
The waves go in...
Hit some driftwood.
Jack Byrnes, you are a caged lion.
But lions can't be captives their entire lives.
They have to be free to roam the bush, free and wild.
Your wife is a hot, sexy tigress. She's waiting for you to pounce on her.
Let me hear you roar, baby, roar.
Your body is talking to me.
It's hungry for action. I can feel it.
- Unleash the beast inside you. - Stop it, you're hurting him.
I am not hurting him, I am helping him.
Just don't...
You shouldn't move just yet.
Jack, come back for an afternoon session. It'll do you good.
- What are you doing? - We were close.
- I was getting through to him. - He doesn't like to be touched.
He has the emotional hide of a rhinoceros.
- Don't break him down. - I was trying to do you a favour.
You were riding him like Seabiscuit.
Dial Foxtrot One.
Alpha Foxtrot One.
Foxtrot One, I need a full comparative DNA analysis
on one Gaylord M Focker, one Jorge Villalobos,
translation: George House of the Wolves.
- Might take a few weeks, Santa. - I need a 12-hour turnaround.
I'll secure physical evidence.
Handoff at Harry Focker's Good Time Supper Club,
2100 hours tonight.
You got it. Foxtrot One, out.
- Hello. - Bernie, this is Jack Byrnes.
Where are you calling from?
My RV. Would you have Greg meet me here in three minutes?
- Your trailer? - Thanks. Goodbye.
But...
Hey, Gaylord.
Jack wants you to meet him in his trailer in precisely three minutes.
And I have to tell you, El Stiffo is really starting to freak me out.
Greg, wait, OK?
No matter how hard he probes you, promise you will not break.
I'm not ready to tell him I'm pregnant.
- Honey. - What?
Let him probe. Cos he's probing a brick wall.
Now show me how you would like a romantic evening to go.
Jack, wine and candles. Gosh, it's not even our anniversary.
Come here, hot stuff.
Yes. Yes.
- Jack. - That was good, Dina.
- Jack? - Down here, under the bed.
Down here, Greg.
Have a seat.
Watch the panel.
This is incredible.
So this is like your mobile command centre
for all your spy activities?
Mainly a secure space for me to spend some alone time
and reflect on my thoughts.
Very cool.
- Greg. - Yeah?
You'll recall we had a discussion earlier in the week
regarding my feelings about family, legacies, children and so forth.
Yeah, of course I recall.
I'm going to just ask you once.
Is there anything you want to tell me
regarding things that might have happened?
Unplanned things.
Things involving the fruit of your loins.
No.
Well, if he's not going to admit it on his own...
- Hello. - Hello, Jorge.
- It's Jack Byrnes. Remember me? - Yeah, sure.
You came with Bernie. You had that camera pen.
Yeah, that's right.
- Do you have any plans tonight? - No.
Good, cos I'd like to invite you to a party.
- Hey, sweetie. - Hey.
- Having a good time? - No, not really.
No? Did you tell your mother I'm pregnant?
She keeps touching my stomach, smiling.
- Like that. - No, I didn't tell her, she guessed.
- She what? - Then she told my dad.
Oh, my God.
Stop it, Bernie. Bernie, stop.
It's not funny.
- Well, I told my mom. - What?
- Yeah. - What are you... I...
- Your dad will find out. - No.
She knows him. She won't say a word.
- He's very suspicious. - Greg.
- Hi. - Hi.
Please take this to your mother.
It's a wine spritzer. That's all she drinks now.
OK. You boys have fun.
Nice... Nice party. Isn't it?
Yeah, it is. It's got a nice, festive vibe.
You've met some of the cousins?
I met some, yes, I met some...
Dom.
Yeah, Dom Focker, that's my dad's first cousin.
Did you meet his kids, Randy and Orny?
I've met Randy and Orny, yes.
Come on, I want to introduce you to somebody. Come on.
There he is.
Glad you could make it, Jorge.
Thanks for the invite, Mr B.
Greg, this is Jorge Villalobos.
How you doing?
Isabel's son.
I didn't realise Isabel had a son.
- When did she get married? - She's not married.
He's never met his father.
I'm sorry. I mean, that's too bad.
Oh, no, it's cool.
My mom said my dad wasn't mature enough to deal with a kid.
So, yeah.
So how do you know each other?
This young man is quite the mechanic.
He's only 15 years old. Isn't that impressive?
Really? You're 15?
- Yeah. - That is impressive.
- He's a handsome kid, huh? - Yeah.
Almost like a young, half-Hispanic Marlon Brando.
Well, I'll leave you two guys to talk.
You probably have a lot in common.
Well...
So you're 15?
Come on, you Fockers, conga.
Did you order the Tom Collins, sir?
Is it made with fresh lemon juice?
They're Bermuda lemons, sir, and I squeezed them myself.
Stay safe, Santa.
Go, Bernie. Go, Focker.
I mean, it's romantic out here, don't you think?
The moon, the sea.
- Isn't it nice? - Yeah, it's nice.
You look very handsome tonight, Jack.
Thank you, I...
What are you doing to my ears?
Nothing. I was...
Gay. Gay.
I have to go to the bathroom. I'll be right back.
OK.
- Hello, Greg. - Hi, Jack.
Did you have a nice conversation with your son?
Jack, I never even met that kid before.
Focker, you've been covering this up from the beginning.
No, I haven't, Jack. It's just another one of your crazy theories.
Greg, you're still in the Circle of Trust,
so I'm gonna give you one more chance.
Are you ready to admit you've been hiding this from Pam?
No, I haven't.
- You're not hiding anything? - No.
All right?
Oh, Greg...
What are you holding? What's in your hand?
Nothing.
I can see in the mirror. There's something in your hand.
- Don't worry about it. - Is that a needle?
Yes, it is.
You seem tense. I was going to offer you a sedative.
- You're joking, right? - No, I'm not.
- Jack... - Is that tartar sauce on your shoulder?
Tartar sauce?
Why?
You've been injected with a concentrated dose of sodium pentothal,
street name "truth serum". You will have no recollection of this.
Tonight, for the first time in your life, you are going to be honest.
Keep the pressure on it.
Get down, Little Jack. Get funky.
- Hey there, preggers. - Quiet.
- How you doing? - Where've you been?
I went to the bathroom to pee,
and now I am talking to you, my fiancée, who I've delayed marrying for two years
because I didn't want our parents to meet.
What?
- What? - What?
You don't like me? It's OK. I don't like your little red outfit.
Makes you look like a demon baby.
Maybe I'll get you a pitchfork for Christmas,
so we can put you on a can of Underwood ham.
I'm sorry I can't make little poop sounds
and I can't make little things that tell people when I want to do things.
Guess what. I can make a sign to you, too.
How's that for a sign?
Look, Bernie's onstage. Come on.
Now, to say a few words,
one of the great registered nurses of all time,
Gaylord Myron Focker.
Come on, let's give it up to Gay. Give it up to him.
Bernie Focker.
I love the shirt, Dad.
Thank you.
All right. It's great to be here with all of you,
as I am about to set sail in my ship of life
with my first mate,
the beautiful young blonde lass there. Hey, baby.
I love you, honey.
I still masturbate to Pam.
- Greg. - What? It's true.
Honey, what? Come on. You're hot. Look at her.
Look at those boobs. Man.
I just wanna lather them up with soap and just...
I love it.
Man, I just wanna nestle in there and take a little vacation in there.
- Honey. - Honey, what? I'm sorry.
OK, excuse me for you being perfect.
Hey, you know who else is great? That woman over there.
My future mother-in-law, Dina Byrnes.
If you want to know what a woman will look like
when she gets older, look at her mother.
Well, I'm a-lookin' and I'm a-likin'.
Look at her. Sweetness.
Good genes in the Byrnes gene pool.
Hey. Hey, you. Yeah, you.
Hold on. Pam, I got to tell you something about this little dude.
In my first really passionate sexual awakening,
I did in fact lose my virginity
to our beautiful housekeeper, Isabel...
Greg, that was in the past. So come and sit down.
No, honey, I have to get this off my chest.
Sit.
We conceived a child.
His name is Jorge Villalobos. Come up here, Jorge.
Let's lift the veil of mystery.
The fruit of my loins is right here.
Everybody, take a look. See his face. He is mine.
Search your feelings, Jorge.
You know it to be true.
It's OK, I know. I know. A lot of information.
You let it settle. Who'd have thunk it?
Give that kid a hand.
Oh, and, Jack.
Pam's pregnant.
Focker out.
What happened last night?
Well, you got drunk and told my dad I'm pregnant.
You revealed you have a 15-year-old son named Jorge.
And apparently, you have the hots for my mom.
Oh, my God.
- Is that really true? - I think she's attractive.
No. That you have a son you never told me about.
Honey, if it is, I never heard about it before last night.
Isabel never said anything to me.
I mean, I don't even remember drinking.
- You're telling me the truth? - Of course I am. Pam, I love you.
I'd never lie to you about anything like that.
I love you, too.
And if Jorge really is your son, then we will make it work.
OK.
How did your dad react to the pregnancy news?
Well...
Just as you'd expect.
Slept in the RV. Hasn't spoken to anyone since last night.
Pam, we have to leave. Get in the RV now.
Bernard, get out from under the vehicle or I will run you over.
I'm not moving. There's a nonviolent way to handle this.
What's going on?
Your father wants to leave, Bernie is staging a sit-in.
Dad, get up. This is ridiculous.
You weren't around in the '60s. This is how we got things done.
Pam, Dina, we have to get off this island. It's evil.
Jack Byrnes, out of the RV. You are acting like such a jerk.
Yes. There you go, Jacko. Yes.
Man, we're gonna have a grandchild.
- We should be celebrating. - How could you not see it?
Greg is completely unfit to handle a child.
He's neglected his own son for 15 years.
Jack, I didn't even know he existed.
Who knows? You're dishonest about everything.
You're so much better?
Tell us all what you did last night to Greg at the party.
- Muskrat, Dina. - Stuff your muskrat, Jack.
He shot Greg with truth serum before his speech.
- What? - I found this in his pocket.
Here we go again, Dad.
He did this to Pam's junior-prom date.
Wait a minute. Yes. You stuck a needle in my neck.
- You drugged my son? - I had no choice.
- He refuses to tell the truth. - He's terrified.
He thinks he has to impress you.
He's had us trying to impress you,
but in my opinion, it's you who should be trying to impress us.
Jack.
You've insulted me, my wife, my son, our entire way of life.
I've sat back and taken it, but you've crossed the line, sir,
and I am gonna have to kick your ass.
Dad, wait a second.
I'm going to teach this florist some justice, Focker-style.
- Calm down. - Just give a minute to stretch.
You're gonna hurt yourself.
- We can talk this through. - Too late for words.
Dad. No dance-fighting. Stop.
This is capoeira. This is hardcore shit.
Bernard, if you continue, you will force me to engage you
and once I begin the secrets of combat, it will only end with your demise.
Bring it, dawg. Come on, bring it. Come on.
- He's taunting me. - Dad, chill out.
- Greg. - What? You're gonna snap now?
- Greg. - What?
- Greg, honey. - Now look what you did.
- It's your fault. - He's bleeding, Daddy.
Pam, Dina, I'm calling a family conference.
- Come on. - No, Dad, this is the family.
In a few weeks I won't be Pam Byrnes. I'll be Pamela Focker.
Or Byrnes-Focker. We haven't decided.
No, no, no, I'm gonna be Pamela Martha Focker.
I know how that sounds, but that's the name I'm taking.
Pamcake, you're upset. I'm not sure you're thinking clearly.
It's you who is not thinking clearly. These two kids love each other.
We've been kvelling over the pregnancy all weekend.
You knew she was pregnant?
We all did, Jack.
I was gonna tell you after the wedding.
This was the reason I created the Circle of Trust,
so we could discuss these things.
The circle isn't gonna work if you don't trust anyone that's in it.
That's right, honey.
- Dad. - Jack.
- Don't go. - Daddy.
Daddy, please. Daddy, where are you going?
- Come on. - Don't drive away.
- Daddy, come back, please. - Jack.
- What are you doing? - Dad.
This is nisht gut.
- Is it ringing? - There's no answer.
Give him space. Maybe he's self-soothing.
- Roz. - This is crazy. I'm going.
- I'm coming with you. - I can do it myself.
I know these roads like the back of my hand.
Come on. Let's put this family back together.
Floor it, Gay. I know a shortcut.
We'll beat El Stiffo to the freeway.
I think you make a right up here. Or a left.
It's either one or the other.
- You don't know where we are. - Something's wrong.
- This makes no sense. - Dad. It's a map of Detroit.
- Well, that explains it. - Dad...
Punch it, Gay. We're gonna catch that dude.
- Oh, shit. - Come on. Come on. Keep going.
Dad, it's a cop.
Listen carefully. Let me do the talking.
I know how to handle local cops.
- Dad, don't do any talking. - Don't shush me. I'm a lawyer.
Know how many tickets I've talked myself out of?
Look at this yutz. Don't they have height requirements?
We're screwed. Don't. Dad. He said to remain in the vehicle.
Sir, I said to remain in your vehicle.
- I just wanna talk... - I gave you an order.
- Let's talk like... - Fail to comply, I will arrest you.
- His future father-in-law... - Shut it.
...thinks Gay has a bastard son. - I said, shut it.
- Shut it. - I know my civil rights.
You know your rights?
- I have sensitive wrists. - Sir, return to your vehicle.
- I don't know what he said... - That's it. On your belly.
- My belly? - Got a hearing problem, freak?
Now we got two failures to comply.
Now, I need the two of you to remain on the vehicle.
- OK, now, here's my plan. - Plan? Dad, no.
It was just a joke.
I'm sorry.
I was just trying to help you, Gay.
I know, Dad. You're always trying to help.
What's the intel on Operation Living Skeleton?
Focker's not the kid's father, Jack.
Are you kidding me? I was sure I had that pegged.
I'm sending you a visual uplink.
The dad was a minor-league Florida ballplayer.
His name is Rusty Bridges.
We all make mistakes, Santa. Foxtrot One out.
34 years spent reading other people and I get it all wrong.
My own wife, I don't even know what she's thinking
and my daughter keeps secrets from me.
Sometimes I think you're the only person I can really talk to, LJ.
Ass... hole.
I know.
F-O-C-K...
Fock-kare.
Hey, it's Jack. Hey, Jack. Jack.
Jack.
Halt.
- Jack. Jack. - Jack.
Weaver stance.
Oh, my God. You shot my son.
Halt.
Your son has merely been stunned by a less-than-lethal weapon.
Remain calm. 50,000 volts of electricity
are now passing into your skeletal muscle tissue.
Your nervous system has been incapacitated,
but you will regain motor functions momentarily.
Do you mind telling me why you are arresting these men?
Oh, mercy. It just gets better and better.
That is none of your business, lookie-loo.
- Gay? - Return to your camper.
At ease. Put away the TASER.
- Jack Byrnes, CIA. - Cl-what?
It says here you're retired. What you gonna show me now, old timer?
- Your AARP card? - You listen to me. Listen good.
- What's he doing? - Don't worry.
- He'll get us out of this. - You have...
- Stand down, sir. - I will not. You stand down.
- I will not stand down. - You will.
Or you'll be working security in a retirement home.
Remain calm.
It's been an hour. You think they caught up with him?
I'm sure, sweetheart.
If I know Bernie, they're in a café in Little Havana,
eating chimichangas and working out their issues.
Check it out. He's got a rubber booby.
- What's going on? - I talked to Judge Goldfarb.
It's done. We're out.
- You were making our call. - I ran into the judge.
- I took care of everything. - Yeah, right.
What are you saying, Jack?
If you had kept your mouth shut, we wouldn't be in this mess.
I'm a lawyer. I'm trying to get us out.
Give the judge your fondue recipe?
I'm comfortable enough in my skin to cook for my family.
When did you last give Dina breakfast in bed?
When did you last give her anything in bed?
- You're out of line. - You are out of line.
- You are. - You hurt my feelings.
There is no reason to hurt my feelings.
- Stop it. - He insulted me.
Yeah, well, this isn't about you, all right?
Either of you. It's about me and Pam.
We're getting married. That's it.
We're starting our own Circle of Trust and guess what, you're not in it.
You can't start a Circle of Trust. It's my circle.
You don't have a patent on the circle.
And you're not in your own circle right now.
That is untrue. I say who's in or out of the circle.
I'm confused. Whose circle am I in?
Nobody's.
Look, we're starting a family, OK?
We're gonna have a baby. I have a 15-year-old son.
You guys have gotta put aside your issues
and do what's best for us, OK?
- Greg, Jorge's not your son. - What?
I had a comparative DNA analysis conducted and I made a mistake.
You made a mistake?
- Yes, I did. - Wait a minute.
Truth serum, DNA matches. Who the hell are you, Jack Byrnes?
I'm not really a florist, Bernard. I was in the CIA for 32 years.
I retired right before I met Greg.
Oh, sure. Well, that makes sense.
Bernie, why the heck are you still here?
- Ira. - Cletus, open up. Let these guys out.
Judge, what exactly did he say to you?
He didn't have to say anything. Dr Roz saved my marriage.
I'd do anything for that woman.
You tell Sugar Pants I'll see her in class next week.
Will do, Ira. Thanks.
What can I say? I'm married to a very powerful woman.
- All right. Let's go. - Excuse me.
- Could you close the cell door? - You wanna remain in the cell?
We're not done talking yet.
What?
So what do you think? Can we work this out or not?
OK.
Jack?
I don't know.
Good enough.
All right. I think Pam and I should get married this weekend.
I'm not so sure that's a good idea.
- You wanna be in the circle? - OK, this weekend.
Jack.
I think I can get Judge Ira to marry you guys.
I don't think so, If it's all right with you,
I already have a minister in mind.
Oh, God, Daddy, you didn't?
Meeting Greg made an impression on Kevin.
He spent eight months on a kibbutz,
took an internet course and got ordained as an interfaith minister.
Jack told me that you were OK with me conducting the ceremony.
- I hope that's true. - I think it's great you're doing it.
I mean, it is a little weird.
Listen to me when I say this.
Pam and I did not have one-tenth
of the spiritual connection you two obviously share.
I look at you both together and you're beautiful. I get it.
- OK? - OK.
- Thank you, Kevin. - Thank you, Greg.
You're gonna be a great mom, Pamcake.
Thank you, Daddy.
And who gives this woman to this man?
I do. Jack Tiberius Byrnes.
Daddy.
- Sorry, Greg. - OK.
She's all yours now.
That was sweet, honey. You all right?
- Shalom, everyone. - Shalom.
Which is Hebrew for "What's going on?"
Let us begin with the blessing of the wine.
Amen.
- Kevin. - What?
Yeah, go ahead.
Well, hi.
- Rosalind. - Yeah?
I just have to say, I underestimated you.
When it comes to relationships,
you might know what you're talking about.
I appreciate that, Jack. Really, thank you.
I also was curious about the advice you gave Judge Ira.
Is that classified information?
I thought you'd never ask.
I'm gonna give you a crash course. OK?
Come here.
Really?
And I do that for how many minutes?
There's my brother from another mother.
Congratulations, Jacko. We made it.
Put that away, Bernard.
We're family now.
We're family.
If you'll excuse me, I have some unfinished business to take care of.
Go get her, Tiger.
- We Fockerised him. - We sure did.
I'd like to Fockerise you.
Sweetheart, do we have to hurry like this?
We're on a covert operation.
The bandleader told me we have 23 minutes before they cut the cake.
Jack, what are you doing?
A little trick Bernie taught me.
Telegram Channel and Instagram Page .:: @bollbolljan_com ::.
Now, let's find out, LJ, why the Ferber method isn't working.
Hi, baby.
Hi, Little Jack. OK. Look what I brought you.
What did I bring?
A chocolate for the baby.
Is that good?
You're not supposed to have this.
Grandpa Jack doesn't like chocolate. He's wacko.
Don't tell him, OK?
I got cake in the refrigerator.
Later I'll bring you that, OK? Chocolate cake.
Good boy. But don't tell anyone, OK?
OK. One more.
Yell and scream all you want.
Making noise is what this country's about.
We got a little protestor on our hands.
It figures. I should have known this was gonna go on.
Always question authority.
Question everything El Stiffo Grandpa Jack says.
Know why? Because he's full of...
He's full of...
Grandpa Jack is full of...
There he is. Little man Jack.
How you doing?
Can I interest you in a little wodka?
Just kidding.
I'm officially your uncle now
so I was thinking I should give you some uncle-y advice.
Hints for surviving in this family.
You gotta learn to keep secrets from your psycho Grandpa Jack.
He was upset when you got out of the playpen.
We'd never tell him that instead of watching you, I was out by the lagoon,
smoking a little reefer.
Or that whole thing about Pam being pregnant.
There's no little Focker on the way.
The whole thing was made up so Jack would let us get married.
You got to do what you gotta do, right?
That's cute. It's like an alligator tchotchke thing.
What's that in its mouth? It's got a camera.
Busted.
Hi, Jack. I knew you were there all along.
I was just doing a little show for you.
You know I don't smoke pot, or anything. And Pam is pregnant.
You should have seen the look on your face.
- So good. - Ass... hole.
Look at me, Jack. What am I?
I'm a frozen caveman.
Study me, Jack.
Learn how strange the Focker genetic code is.
We are weird mutants who hug and kiss.
We show emotion.
Jack must learn from us and chip away with his hammer of truth.
Focker.