‫۳۰۱ - Where there's smoke
‫NewYork city. Home to one million ‫exciting, eligible, single men...
‫and four cold and slightly cranky ‫single women.
‫Well, this is good. We,re actually ‫crossing water to meet men.
‫Reminder, I am not going ‫to staten Island to meet men.
‫I am going to judge them.
‫A perk of being a minor celebrity
‫is that you get invited to major events.
‫Like NewYork fire department's
‫annual calendar competition.
‫This is a long way to go to watch
‫some firemen take their shirts off.
‫I,m on the ferry. ‫I better see more than pecs.
‫I,m freezing!
‫I don't understand
‫why they couldn,t hold the competition
‫in a bar in Manhattan.
‫They have firemen
‫on the Upper East side too.
‫And they only put out top-notch fires.
‫Look at how small it looks.
‫Who would have thought ‫an island that tiny
‫would be big enough ‫to hold all our old boyfriends.
‫He loves to cook ‫and can whip up a great baked ziti.
‫He,s from engine ۲۷۵, ladder ۱۳۳,
‫way out there in Queens.
‫- Is he hot؟ ‫- He's a six.
‫on a scale of how many؟
‫His name was Bill Kelley. ‫He was a divorced politician,
‫campaigning for New York city ‫comptroller.
‫And the token male judge.
‫- Watch the firemen. ‫- I,m more into cops.
‫He,s a dancer and married. ‫sorry, ladies.
‫His wife Maria said he,s a good guy ‫but he works too hard.
‫Work that belly!
‫Ladies, over here.
‫oK, they don,t make cosmopolitans, ‫it,s a staten Island iced tea.
‫- Is that like a Long Island iced tea؟ ‫- I think so.
‫Hello, I,m drunk.
‫Do we have to be this close؟ ‫It,s embarrassing.
‫- You gotta be in it to win it. ‫- I,m moving back.
‫I can,t see the cute firemen ‫from back there without my glasses.
‫Why do you even care؟ ‫You have steve.
‫I do not have steve. There is no ‫having of the steve, we,re just friends.
‫We,re just friends. ‫I don,t put my dick in you.
‫Another one of these ‫and I might let you.
‫There are no datable men here.
‫What was your first clue؟ The pleather ‫jackets or smell of... High Karate...؟
‫Ladies, this is Ricky Fantucchi. ‫He,s a capricorn.
‫His uncles are firefighters.
‫Yes, ladies, ‫that,s a cheetah on his arm.
‫Ricky represents engine ۵۳ ‫in Lower Manhattan.
‫I,d like to show him ‫my Lower Manhattan.
‫- Look at his arms, they,re huge. ‫- You knowwhat they say.
‫Big arms... big arms.
‫Hello, ۹۱۱. I,m on fire.
‫After the contest, ‫I began to realize that staten Island
‫was like a quaint European country.
‫The American music ‫was ۲۰ years behind
‫and you could smoke ‫wherever you wanted.
‫Hi. Are those shirts are for sale؟ ‫I,d like to get one for my nephew.
‫Yeah, you could buy,em. ‫But I don,t knowwhere.
‫I got this one at work, but I,m sure you ‫could buy,em at other places.
‫- I,ve seen them in those shops... ‫- samantha.
‫- Ricky, how are you doing؟ ‫- Good. How are you doing؟
‫- I sawyou up there. ‫- I sawyou too.
‫- You looked fantastic. ‫- Yeah؟
‫I never did anything like that. ‫My sisters said... Do it, Ricky....
‫And I said, ‫I never did anything like that before.......
‫You did it very well.
‫- I wonder what month you,ll be. ‫- Maybe october.
‫- My birthday is in october. ‫- I bet July, or any month that,s hot.
‫Two songs later, it was time for this ‫dancing queen to take a breather.
‫Hello. Can I bum a smoke؟
‫- sure. ‫- Thanks.
‫There you go.
‫- That,s good. I quit three years ago. ‫- How's that working out for you؟
‫- Good. I allow myself one a week. ‫- You live right on the edge, don,t you؟
‫- can I buy you a beer؟ ‫- No, I got it.
‫It's on me. ‫For helping me out in there.
‫sure. And by the way, ‫you have the worst taste in men...
‫-... ever. ‫- No way.
‫You gave that guy from Midtown a ۷.
‫I like a firefighter with love handles ‫to hold on to
‫when escaping a burning building.
‫- You got a point there. ‫- But you were tough.
‫And what,s with the half-points؟ ‫۶.۵, ۸.۵؟
‫What can I say؟ ‫sometimes a girl needs a half.
‫so, which district do you vote in؟
‫Whichever one is near Barneys.
‫You,ve never voted ‫in New York city؟
‫correct, Mr. President.
‫What,s your address؟ ‫official government purposes.
‫- I can tell you your district. ‫- officially؟
‫It's ۲۴۵ East ۷۳rd street.
‫District ۲۳. Same as mine. ‫I'm at Madison and ۸۲nd.
‫Fancy. I thought all honest politicians ‫lived in studios
‫and ate beans out of a can.
‫I'm not a fan of beans.
‫can I get your phone number؟ ‫Government purposes only.
‫I,m just here with my friends ‫having a good time.
‫- I,m not into dating right now. ‫- What, bad break-up؟
‫That was a long silence.
‫Actually, it was a silence and a half.
‫HaVe dinner with me.
‫Would it help if I took my shirt off؟
‫Time to go. ‫Politician,s hitting on me.
‫- And is that a bad thing؟ ‫- He,s just way too... I,m the guy....
‫Are you sure؟ He,s pretty cute.
‫I don,t want to have to tell you this. ‫I saw him give someone a thumbs up.
‫We,re out of here. samantha ‫went home with that firefighter.
‫- Toot toot, beep beep. ‫- And charlotte,s around somewhere.
‫- How many cocktails did she have؟ ‫- A couple, why؟
‫And so, three girls headed home,
‫taking only fond memories of staten ‫Island and its infamous iced teas.
‫Honey, close up, it,s cold.
‫- Are you gonna help؟ ‫- I held her head in the taxi.
‫You,re so nice, carrie.
‫- I,m nice too, aren,t I؟ ‫- Yes, you,re nice.
‫I'm nice...
‫I'm pretty and I'm smart. ‫I'm a catch.
‫Yes, you,re a catch.
‫I hate you.
‫You knowwhat؟ I,m gonna meet ‫the perfect guy and get married.
‫Yes, you,re getting married.
‫Did you hear that New York؟ ‫I,m getting married this year.
‫I,m getting married and here I come!
‫If she falls oVer ‫I will neVer stop laughing.
‫I wasn't quite sure ‫if it was the iced teas
‫or the staten Island dating pool ‫that broke the camel,s back.
‫But something set charlotte on fire.
‫And uptown on dry land, samantha ‫and Mr. July had their own fire going.
‫You,re so big and strong.
‫I believe the official fire department ‫count is... a four alarmer....
‫The next morning at breakfast, ‫Miranda and I wanted poached eggs,
‫samantha wanted to give us ‫the details
‫and charlotte wanted to keep ‫her head from exploding
‫over her raincoat.
‫I,m telling you, ‫no guy has ever gotten me that wet.
‫- Pass the salt. ‫- Let me tell you about his cock.
‫Will you be quiet؟ The people ‫at the next table have a child.
‫- That,s their choice. ‫- Miss Hangover,s right.
‫can we spare the cock talk ‫till cocktail time؟
‫I wanted you to know my fireman was ‫every bit the fantasy I had in mind.
‫New York's finest.
‫- That,s cops. ‫- Whatever.
‫I think it,s wrong to sleep with a man ‫just to fulfill a fantasy.
‫All the men we sleep with ‫fulfill a certain fantasy.
‫or nightmare.
‫You fantasize of a man with a fancy ‫apartment and a stock portfolio.
‫For me, it,s a fireman with a big hose.
‫Why are firemen so cute؟
‫Even when they,re not that cute... ‫they,re still cute.
‫First, there,s a weight limit. ‫second, it,s the hero thing.
‫- You see him on that truck... ‫- That truck is hot.
‫hurrying to save someone trapped....
‫They,ve got that ‫I,m a good guy... look in their eyes....
‫It,s because women ‫want to be rescued.
‫The sentence independent single ‫women in their thirties
‫are never supposed to think, ‫let alone say out loud.
‫It,s true. I,ve been dating since I was ‫۱۵, I,m exhausted. Where is he؟
‫- Who؟ The white knight؟ ‫- That only happens in fairytales.
‫My hair hurts.
‫Did you ever think ‫that maybe we,re the white knights
‫and we,re the ones ‫that have to save ourselves؟
‫- That is so depressing. ‫- Is it؟
‫Later that day I got to thinking ‫about fairytales.
‫What if Prince charming ‫had never showed up؟
‫Would snowWhite have slept ‫in that glass coffin forever؟
‫or would she have eventually woken ‫up, spit out the apple, gotten a job,
‫a healthcare package and a baby ‫from her local sperm bank؟
‫I couldn,t help but wonder. Inside ‫every confident, driven, single woman
‫is there a delicate, fragile princess ‫just waiting to be saved؟
‫Was charlotte right؟
‫Do women just wanna be rescued؟
‫And after your laser surgery ‫on saturday
‫you,ll need a significant other ‫or a friend to help get you home.
‫sign here.
‫While for some women the idea ‫of rescue was a life raft,
‫for Miranda it was an insult.
‫I don,t need anybody to help me. ‫I,ll be fine.
‫You,ll be sedated ‫and your vision will be blurred.
‫You will need someone ‫to get you home and to bed.
‫Then take two sleeping pills, ‫sleep for ۱۲ hours.
‫Wake up and you,ll be able ‫to see perfectly.
‫I can,t believe I,m gonna wake up ‫and see clearly
‫without glasses or contacts ‫for the first time.
‫BelieVe it.
‫They slit your eyeball open ‫and flip up the top.
‫- Gross. ‫- It just flips right up. Flip, my eye.
‫- oK, stop. ‫- This little blade cuts it. Just...
‫like the top of a grape....
‫It sounds pretty bad.
‫You want me to come down ‫and hold your hand؟
‫I,m fine. I do not need anyone ‫to hold my hand.
‫I,m not saying you need anyone.
‫I,d just like to be there. ‫To help you, whatever.
‫You,ll need help getting home.
‫Yeah, I,m gonna ask carrie.
‫Why do you have to ask carrie ‫when I,m offering؟
‫Because, you know, ‫carrie is my friend.
‫- oK, and what am I؟ ‫- We haven,t established that yet.
‫- Are you coming up؟ ‫- We haven,t established that yet.
‫What are we doing here؟ ‫I mean, are we...
‫steve, after they flip the eye up, ‫these jets...
‫And over on the East side ‫at a more charlotte-friendly bar,
‫the ice tea princess began her quest ‫for a white knight.
‫oh, my God. He,s so cute. ‫cute, right؟
‫very cute. ‫And I,m a professional.
‫I have to meet him. ‫How am I gonna meet him؟
‫We got here ten minutes ago. ‫Pace yourself.
‫Hey beautiful. I,m J.J. ‫can I buy those sweet lips a drink؟
‫I,m sorry. We were just leaving.
‫charlotte was a firm believer ‫in the laws of dating feng shui.
‫change location, change luck.
‫Why is it always a guy like that؟ ‫Is it me؟
‫No, it,s not you. ‫Into every life a little J.J. must fall.
‫I just want a nice, sweet, ‫handsome, funny, great guy,
‫who doesn,t say things ‫like sweet lips.
‫Is that too much to ask؟
‫Hey, you didn,t leave. ‫You,re just over here now.
‫- Let me buy you a drink. ‫- I,m not interested.
‫one drink. ‫I,ll even buy blondie here one.
‫- one little drink. ‫- Excuse me. she,s not interested.
‫Am I talking to you؟ ‫No. come on...
‫- You,re not listening. The lady said... ‫- Hey, fuck you.
‫- I,m sorry about that. ‫- Did you hurt your hand؟
‫No.
‫His name was Arthur.
‫He was a nice, sweet, handsome, ‫great investment banker
‫who lived between Madison and Fifth.
‫so, maybe there ‫really were white knights.
‫The day after charlotte met her knight, ‫I met my credit card limit.
‫With no man in sight, ‫I decided to rescue my ankles
‫from a life of boredom
‫by purchasing too many pairs ‫of Jimmy choo shoes.
‫Hello, my name is Bill Kelley and ‫I,m gonna be your city comptroller.
‫- You,re not seriously here. ‫- I assure you I am.
‫I brought some voter registration ‫forms. I filled out your name.
‫Under occupation I put heartbreaker. ‫I really did. Look.
‫You,re like a Jehovah,s Witness ‫with a good suit.
‫- How long have you been here؟ ‫- Your number is not listed.
‫- What did you buy؟ ‫- shoes.
‫Let me see. ‫sit down and show me.
‫- God, you are... ‫- I know.
‫I,m not showing you a shoe.
‫sexy.
‫- Hey, I need a favor. ‫- You do؟
‫It,s for the city of New York. ‫I really am one of the good guys.
‫I,m carrying all the boroughs ‫but I need help with staten Island.
‫- You want one؟ ‫- No, I had one on Thursday.
‫Here,s the thing. ‫I gotta go back out there
‫to do a schmooze ‫at the capri restaurant
‫on sunday night ‫and I want you to go with me.
‫- And why is that؟ ‫- Because they have great Italian.
‫And also, for the record... ‫I can,t stop thinking about you.
‫I'll pick you up at ۷.:۰۰.
‫- No. ‫- Don't answer now. Think about it.
‫I,ll drive by at ۷.:۰۰. I,ll wait in the car. ‫If you come, you come.
‫If you don,t, no pressure. ‫Wear the shoes.
‫These. pass them.
‫That saturday, when I was unable to ‫take Miranda to her laser surgery
‫due to a looming column deadline, ‫she didn,t call steve.
‫she decided to take things ‫into her own hands.
‫Who needs a man to hold your hand, ‫when you have cab fare
‫and a black marker ‫to write down emergency numbers؟
‫And while Miranda ‫was under the knife,
‫charlotte was having her first glass ‫of white wine with her white knight.
‫I did the Hasty Pudding show ‫a couple of times, to blow off steam.
‫My friend Tom ‫says that Harvard is still
‫the most aggressive place he,s seen. ‫And he,s a trader.
‫- Not Tom Kennedy؟ ‫- Yes, do you know Tom؟
‫He,s a great guy. And his wife. ‫That,s my idea of a perfect marriage.
‫Totally.
‫charlotte nodded, thinking what ‫a nice, sweet, handsome,
‫funny, great couple they made.
‫Excuse me, ‫you just bumped into her chair.
‫- A little crowded. ‫- Yes, but you bumped her chair.
‫You should say you,re sorry.
‫- It,s oK. ‫- No, it,s not oK.
‫- That,s no way to treat a lady. ‫- Lighten up. It,s brunch.
‫charlotte realized that her date wasn,t ‫a man who came to women,s rescue,
‫he was a man who liked to start fights.
‫- Excuse me, sir... ‫- You want a piece of me؟
‫And just like that,
‫charlotte,s white knight ‫changed into a white nightmare.
‫Miss Hobbes, your friend is here.
‫- carrie؟ ‫- Actually no, it,s me.
‫carrie thought you might need ‫some help. oK؟
‫I,m on valium, everything,s oK.
‫- Here, give me your hand. ‫- I,m good.
‫Just don,t let me hit the door frame ‫and never mention these goggles.
‫one cab ride and two sleeping pills ‫later, steve put Miranda to bed.
‫All right. Give me your leg.
‫No, this leg. I want this leg.
‫stop! No rescue.
‫Fine, oK. All right! ‫Put your feet in, sleeping Beauty.
‫The next morning, after what felt like ‫a hundred years, Miranda awoke.
‫And for the first time in her life, ‫she sawthings clearly.
‫That night, Mr. July invited samantha ‫to come down and hang with him
‫while he worked the sunday shift.
‫Hello؟ Where is everyone؟
‫The idea being in a firehouse ‫filled with a calendar hot firemen,
‫was a fantasy, samantha felt, ‫whose time had definitely come.
‫Boys!
‫This was not the firehouse fantasy ‫samantha had in mind.
‫samantha. I just put a pot of chilli on. ‫come on, sit down.
‫come on, get up. ‫Make a move for sam.
‫I,ll be right back.
‫samantha,s rescue fantasy ‫was suddenly something
‫she needed to be rescued from.
‫- It,s me, leave a message. ‫- Hey, I,m still down here in the car.
‫I,ll wait ten more seconds ‫and then I,ll go alone.
‫Ten, nine, eight, seven, six, poor me...
‫five, four, three, two...
‫one. one and a half,... ‫sometimes a girl needs a half.
‫oK, that was my best shot, ‫you,re not coming.
‫so long... vote!
‫- I don,t knowwhat I,m doing. ‫- oK.
‫I,m standing here, fully dressed, ‫watching that politician guy
‫drive off to staten Island ‫without me. Why؟
‫- You hate staten Island؟ ‫- Don,t think so. Any other ideas؟
‫Just say it.
‫Big. You,re terrified ‫of getting hurt again.
‫There it was. The phrase single, ‫independent women in their thirties
‫are never supposed to think. ‫Let alone say out loud.
‫oK, gotta go.
‫Miranda was right.
‫I was like a woman frozen ‫on the ledge of a building on fire.
‫I,d been so burned ‫in my last relationship,
‫I was afraid to leap off ‫into the next one.
‫Excuse me for a second.
‫- Hey. How did you get here؟ ‫- Ferry.
‫- All alone؟ ‫- I,m very independent.
‫- I can see that. ‫- And this isn,t a date.
‫I'm a concerned citizen.
‫A woman on my block ‫won,t pick up after her poodle.
‫I,ll see what I can do. ‫can I take your coat؟
‫And, Mr. President, ‫it was a bad break-up.
‫so I need to take this slow.
‫somewhere between ‫the chilli and half-time,
‫samantha decided if she wanted ‫her firehouse fantasy to happen,
‫she,d have to make it happen.
‫Up here.
‫Nice pole. ‫Wanna see it again؟
‫Yeah.
‫samantha rode the pole ‫a couple of times that night.
‫Why are these boots set up like this؟
‫so we,ll be ready ‫at a moment,s notice.
‫Well, I should be a fireman, ‫because I am always ready to go.
‫We,ve got a job.
‫Get out of my gear. ‫Get the fuck out of my gear!
‫Let,s go! ‫Move, lady, it,s a fuckin, fire!
‫I,m coming.
‫samantha learned there,s ‫quite a difference
‫between a rescue fantasy ‫and a rescue reality.
‫It,s getting late. ‫Are you sure I can,t give you a ride؟
‫No, I,m good.
‫You go... ‫You go and do your thing.
‫Do I get your vote؟
‫Too fast؟
‫My God, you,re so sexy. ‫come home with me.
‫Kissing is enough.
‫It,s enough for tonight, really.
‫oh, shit. It,s almost ۱۲:۰۰, ‫I,m gonna miss the last ferry.
‫Wait!
‫I lost my choo.
‫Need a ride؟
‫He didn,t have a white horse,
‫but he did have a BMW ‫with a working heater.
‫so I guess, sometimes a woman ‫absolutely has to be rescued.
‫- You,re taking me home and that,s it. ‫- That,s it... for tonight.
‫Now, any idea ‫howwe get the fuck off this island؟
‫oK, make a right.
‫And sometimes, a woman absolutely ‫has to rescue a man.
‫At least, that,s how it ends ‫in this staten Island fairytale.