‫۳۱۱ - Running With Scissors
‫-Yes؟ ‫- Room service.
‫We've got to stop meeting like this.
‫You've been waiting ‫your whole life to say that.
‫I have to be some place ‫in three hours.
‫Why is your skin so soft؟
‫When Dickens wrote, "It was the best
‫"of times, it was the worst of times",
‫he must have been having an affair
‫with his married ex-boyfriend.
‫Yeah؟
‫It's me.
‫You can't keep changing the time. ‫I have a schedule too.
‫Fine. I'm sorry.
‫- Let's get those panties off. ‫- I have to put my diaphragm in.
‫I have to be at work in ۴۰ minutes.
‫I know.
‫our affair like our hotels ‫had gone from elegant with crystal
‫to seedy with plastic cups.
‫cracker؟
‫God, it's hot in here, ‫and the windows don't even open.
‫I hate those sliding air strip things.
‫I need air.
‫You picked the hotel.
‫Because it's on ۵۶th and ۸th, ‫where nobody knows us.
‫- ۵۶th and ۸th is safe. ‫- I don't give a fuck who sees us.
‫Yes, you do. I do, too. ‫You want people to get hurt؟
‫This room smells like take-out curry.
‫It's too hot, I can't do this.
‫Are you saving it for your boyfriend؟
‫carrie.
‫No. You don't talk to me that way.
‫I'm sorry.
‫Jesus.
‫How did we get here؟
‫Who are we؟
‫- There you go. ‫- Thanks.
‫I have to tell you something.
‫You won't like it. I'd rather tell anyone ‫but you, but I have to.
‫oK.
‫- Because I need your help. ‫- oK.
‫I'm having an affair with Big.
‫I think my heart just stopped.
‫Also, I'm smoking again. ‫I'm smoking and sleeping with Big.
‫Feel free to delete me ‫out of your Palm Pilot.
‫- Give me one. ‫- Really؟
‫- I think I need it. ‫- You are such a good friend.
‫Don't inhale.
‫Say you don't hate me.
‫- I don't. ‫- Thank you. If only I didn't hate me.
‫- How long has it been going on؟ ‫- Forever.
‫Actual time - three weeks.
‫I'm in the middle of this, ‫and I can't see.
‫I need you to yank me out of it. ‫Say stuff to yank me out of it.
‫- What about Aidan؟ ‫- Exactly. What about Aidan؟
‫What about him؟ ‫I would die if he found out.
‫Big's acting jealous. I'm afraid ‫he'll call him or do something stupid.
‫- He's threatened to tell Natasha. ‫- What did you think would happen؟
‫I didn't think. I just did. ‫I'm terrified we've messed it up
‫and it can never be ‫what it was supposed to be.
‫- It's a big mess. ‫- Take it easy, oK؟
‫I'm confused. Does he only want me ‫because he can't have me؟
‫- Yes. ‫- How do you really feel؟
‫Forget about him. ‫What do you want؟
‫I want everyone ‫to get out of this without getting hurt.
‫- That's realistic. ‫- Why not؟
‫You've heard stories about affairs ‫where people realise
‫how great their other relationship is
‫and end it without ‫anyone being the wiser.
‫I don't watch ‫"Lifetime Television For Women".
‫You have to just stop. oK؟ ‫Just stop.
‫I am. I'm stopping.
‫- I am. ‫- Good.
‫- Who else knows about this؟ ‫- Samantha.
‫- And God. ‫- Not charlotte؟
‫If the-world-according-to-bride knew, ‫she'd kill me.
‫At least you wouldn't ‫have to be a bridesmaid.
‫While Miranda was trying not ‫to judge me on the Upper East Side,
‫Samantha was judging the crowd ‫at a hot spot on the Lower West Side.
‫It was a typical mix - ten per cent ‫Wall Street, ten per cent real estate,
‫ten per cent she'd slept with.
‫His name was Tom Reymi.
‫Excuse me.
‫A Manhattan legend - straight, single, ‫and sexually very active.
‫The male samantha.
‫- Hi. I'm Tom Reymi. ‫- I knowwho you are. I'm...
‫- I knowwho you are. ‫- It's about time we met.
‫We knowthe same people, ‫we should go to dinner, blah blah.
‫- Wanna fuck؟ ‫- Under a minute.
‫- You could qualify for the olympics. ‫- My place is...
‫- Do you swing؟ ‫- Swing؟
‫You mean with other couples؟
‫No.
‫Swing.
‫oh my, so cirque du Soleil.
‫You haven't fucked ‫till you've fucked in the swing.
‫I've always wanted to run off ‫and join the circus.
‫So, Samantha...
‫when was your last AIDS test؟
‫So much for foreplay.
‫Anyone who has as much sex as us ‫has to ask, right؟
‫I was tested again three weeks ago.
‫I'm good to go. How about you؟
‫Samantha didn't know ‫howto tell Tom Reymi
‫that the only sex test she'd ever ‫taken was the cosmo Quiz.
‫You have been tested, right؟
‫No, but I'm very healthy.
‫- You haven't been tested. Why؟ ‫- I'm a busy girl.
‫I got hard in that club ‫just from looking at you.
‫We both know what's gonna happen ‫when we get in that swing.
‫I can't fuck you or eat you how I want, ‫unless I know it's safe.
‫Samantha, you should do me.
‫I am as good as they say.
‫Samantha had to figure out just ‫how much she wanted to do Reymi.
‫The pink Post-its ‫are for the gowns I like.
‫Green is for the gowns I really like.
‫Yellow is for the gowns ‫I don't know if I like.
‫Kill me, please. ‫Drag a sharp object across my throat.
‫Stop. You take "Modern Bride". ‫Samantha, "New York Bride".
‫- And I'll take "Annoying Bride"؟ ‫- Page ۲۱۱. Tell me what you think.
‫- okey-dokey. ‫- cute purse.
‫There's no time for purses. ‫This is gown specific.
‫- Is your theme a Nazi wedding؟ ‫- Page ۲۱۱.
‫- It's pretty. I like the flowers. ‫- Me, too. And I like that satin bow.
‫Have you all had an AIDS test؟
‫Good morning. ‫Where did that come from؟
‫I met this very hot guy. He won't ‫sleep with me unless I have a test.
‫We're looking at wedding gowns. ‫could you not talk about AIDS now؟
‫- You've never had an Hlv test؟ ‫- No. Have you؟
‫- Two. ‫- Three.
‫- How about upper length gloves؟ ‫- How can you not have had a test؟
‫She doesn't mean that ‫the way it sounds. It's just...
‫Why not؟
‫I always practise safe sex.
‫All right, I'm terrified.
‫- What if I have it؟ ‫- You don't have it.
‫Sometimes it takes me ‫a long time to get over a cold.
‫That's air conditioning. ‫Just get it over with.
‫The test is nothing. The worst part ‫is waiting for the results.
‫They take some people to this room, ‫and you knowthe news ain't good.
‫I sat there praying, ‫"Please don't take me in that room".
‫There are ۱۴۰۰ gowns ‫in this magazine.
‫I have only seen ۶۰۰ of them. ‫I need help.
‫- You need to chill out. Hire a stylist. ‫- A stylist؟
‫Some mignon ‫to do your dress bidding.
‫I can hire someone to do that؟
‫This is New York. ‫You can hire someone to do anything.
‫- I'll fax you some names. ‫- Thank you, thank you.
‫If only I could hire someone ‫to take that test.
‫Later, I got thinking about safe sex.
‫odd how only when our physical life ‫is at risk, do we protect ourselves.
‫What about our emotional lives؟
‫Wouldn't it be nice ‫if there was a pamphlet to warn us
‫what behaviour might be high risk ‫to ourselves or our relationships؟
‫Even if you take precautions and ‫emotionally try to protect yourself,
‫when you crawl in bed with someone, ‫is sex ever safe؟
‫Yeah, I know, ‫but that's not my problem.
‫The next day, Miranda experienced ‫a different type of high risk behaviour.
‫- Eat me. ‫- Excuse me؟
‫Eat me.
‫Miranda was furious. It was ‫bad enough she had just lost a case,
‫but now she was being harassed ‫by a sandwich.
‫You want pasta, you go to Little Italy. ‫You want wedding, you go Wang.
‫You want the perfect wedding dress, ‫go to Anthony Marantino, stylist.
‫Where is that sales girl؟
‫For these prices, we should be ‫pulling her nose out of our asses.
‫Hello, someone. Let's go.
‫charlotte was thrilled. Anthony was ‫like the pushy mother she never had.
‫Go, go, go...
‫I love them all.
‫Duchess satin with the lace applique.
‫- The white is too white. ‫- No, with your skin tone...
‫Hates it. Move on.
‫The sharmoose, strapless, ‫with the net overlay.
‫Hates it.
‫Good bead work, though.
‫None of these are right at all.
‫- You're dragging! ‫- I hope she doesn't think I'm a bitch.
‫She's not paid to think, ‫but to make you happy.
‫I've been imagining my wedding dress ‫ever since I was a little girl.
‫I want it to be perfect.
‫Not for nothing. ‫I've done this a million times.
‫Don't worry. You'll know ‫the right dress when you see it.
‫Anthony.
‫char.
‫That's it.
‫Across town, Samantha felt ‫as though she might cry as well.
‫- Have you had an Hlv test before؟ ‫- No.
‫Why are you taking this test؟
‫I... feel...
‫You know, it's...
‫- Are you feeling all right؟ ‫- Sorry, I'm really nervous.
‫Relax. Just routine questions. ‫Nothing to be alarmed about.
‫oK. Thanks.
‫- Do you have sex؟ ‫- Yes.
‫- oral sex - give, receive؟ ‫- Yes. Yes, yes.
‫- Do you have anal sex؟ ‫- Yes.
‫- Do you swallow؟ ‫- only when surprised.
‫- Do you use condoms؟ ‫- Yes.
‫- What kind of condoms؟ ‫- Lifestyles, chic, Wet & Wild...
‫- No, I meant, latex, lambskin؟ ‫- Yes. Yes.
‫How many sexual partners ‫have you had؟
‫I'm counting.
‫This year؟
‫While Samantha ‫tried to remember her sexual past,
‫I came face to face ‫with my sexual present.
‫- Stop. ‫- Stop what؟
‫You're making that sound. That...
‫kissing sound. It's annoying....
‫It's just a sound I make, I guess.
‫come here. ‫I'll try not to do it anymore.
‫Look, Ma, no sound.
‫I can't breathe. I can't breathe.
‫I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
‫Don't go.
‫I don't get it. ‫You used to like that sound I make.
‫I love that sound.
‫- Where are you going؟ ‫- Home. I need time.
‫I'm in a weird place right now, ‫but I'll be out of it soon. I promise.
‫I'm sorry.
‫Say it's oK.
‫It's oK.
‫- What can I do؟ ‫- Nothing, it's me. It's all me.
‫- I just need time to figure it out. ‫- I'll give you room to do that.
‫You're not saying that ‫in a bad way, right؟
‫No.
‫I'll be right downtown.
‫Hey, buddy. call me later؟
‫It's ۱:۰۰ in the morning. ‫I'll call you tomorrow.
‫Make the noise. ‫Please make the noise.
‫Good night.
‫Sorry.
‫I didn't knowwhat I was doing,
‫but I was sure I had just entered ‫high-risk relationship behaviour.
‫Eat me.
‫Three days later, Miranda had ‫got her fill of the sandwich.
‫That's it. You're not allowed ‫to harass women like that.
‫Eat me.
‫We'll see about that.
‫- I'd like to speak to the manager. ‫- That's me.
‫That sandwich says sexually explicit ‫things to women as they walk by.
‫- What did he say؟ ‫- "Eat me. "
‫- Yeah, he's a sandwich. ‫- He didn't say it in the sandwich way.
‫He said it ‫in the sexual harassing way.
‫He's a sandwich.
‫- Eat me. ‫- You're brave inside your sandwich.
‫Then Miranda glimpsed just enough ‫of his full lips and shiny white teeth
‫to stop thinking about the sandwich
‫and start wondering ‫about the man inside.
‫I can't stop thinking about him.
‫You're turned on by a sandwich؟
‫It's the fact that I can't see him. ‫It's dangerous or something.
‫- That is one fresh sandwich. ‫- His voice is so sexy.
‫He's probably a troll.
‫Any man who propositions a woman ‫from a sandwich must be a troll.
‫I don't know. ‫You think he's white meat؟
‫That's the first laugh ‫I've had in weeks.
‫Thank the sandwich ‫when you have sex.
‫I can't have sex with a sandwich. ‫can I؟
‫I never thought I'd have sex ‫with a married ex.
‫can a hoagy be that far behind؟
‫Miranda, what the hell am I gonna do؟
‫As Samantha waited for her results, ‫she had one thought over and over.
‫"Don't let them take me ‫into that little room. "
‫Ms Jones, I've got your results. ‫Please come with me.
‫Samantha began to realise she was ‫being taken into that little room.
‫She was healthy. ‫The nurse just wanted a quiet place
‫to lecture her on safe sex practises.
‫Days later, somehow I found myself ‫back at the corner of ۵۶th and Safeth.
‫- How much؟ ‫- Excuse me؟
‫I've seen you here before.
‫For sex - how much؟
‫I'm out of here. That Japanese ‫businessman thinks I'm a hooker.
‫Wait. carrie!
‫carrie؟ What are you ‫doing in this neighbourhood؟
‫carrie, can we...
‫Hey.
‫I was doing business in the area. ‫We bumped into each other.
‫How are you؟
‫I just checked on my wedding dress, ‫it's at the tailor and...
‫- charlotte. ‫- I'd better go.
‫charlotte.
‫That was that. ‫Now nowhere was safe.
‫Not even ۵۶th and ۸th.
‫It was a force bigger than me, ‫like Niagara Falls, you know؟
‫No, I don't know. He's married.
‫- I know he's married. ‫- You're the other woman.
‫I'm not the other woman. ‫I'm not. I mean...
‫I know I am, ‫but I am not that woman.
‫Please, I feel bad enough already.
‫Good. Do you ever think about ‫how she'd feel if she found out؟
‫- I think about it all the time. ‫- No, you don't.
‫You think about what would ‫happen to you, not about her.
‫She's just the idiot wife. ‫You don't know anything about her.
‫- I'll suffocate myself in this. ‫- This isn't a joke.
‫They took vows. vows he broke.
‫I'm getting married. Howwould ‫you feel if someone did this to me؟
‫I would kill them.
‫How could you do this؟ ‫You're my maid of honour.
‫I'm getting out. ‫can I please help you pack now؟
‫So we stood and bubble-wrapped,
‫the bride to be ‫and her maid of dishonour.
‫A week of fantasising sex with the ‫sandwich man had gotten to Miranda.
‫Safe or not, she needed to see ‫who she was dealing with.
‫Hi. Look, this is so silly.
‫Eat me.
‫Let me see your face.
‫Even though he was cute, ‫Miranda walked away.
‫What did they have in common؟
‫She was a lawyer. ‫He was a sandwich.
‫Later, at Tom Reymi's, ‫after a week of sheer anxiety,
‫Samantha enjoyed ‫the benefits of totally safe sex.
‫Take your time. There's stuff ‫in the kitchen if you're hungry...
‫It was the lowest of the low. I had ‫made love to my married ex-boyfriend
‫on his lunch hour at his apartment,
‫while his ۲۵-year-old wife ‫was sunning herself at the Hamptons.
‫- Jesus. ‫- What؟
‫could I feel any more like a hooker؟
‫Why do you keep ‫doing that to yourself؟
‫We should stop seeing each other.
‫Why؟
‫You're married.
‫Hand me the phone. ‫I'm gonna call her right now.
‫Don't be ridiculous. ‫- What are you gonna do
‫call her at the beach and say ‫you love me and want a divorce؟
‫You don't want me to call her ‫because you love that other guy.
‫- This is about that other guy. ‫- He has a name. It's Aidan.
‫- You have a wife, Natasha. ‫- Give me the phone.
‫You could have told her by now.
‫You told me not to tell her.
‫Here. call her.
‫If I make that call, ‫are you gonna be there for me؟
‫Are we gonna do this, really؟
‫I mean, out in the daylight, ‫no cocktails, no hotel rooms, real life؟
‫carrie, in or out؟
‫I need more time.
‫I'm calling her Monday.
‫I have to go. ‫You know howto let yourself out.
‫I couldn't help but wonder if I really ‫did knowthe way to let myself out.
‫charlotte was right. What did I ‫really know about Natasha؟
‫Natasha is a woman ‫who likes tea roses.
‫Natasha collects antique sugar bowls.
‫Honey؟
‫Natasha comes home ‫from the Hamptons early.
‫Honey, are you here؟ ‫I took the Jitney home.
‫Sweetheart؟
‫Honey؟
‫carrie. I see you.
‫Wait! I knew you were ‫having an affair, but not in my house.
‫Stop, I'm talking to you.
‫oh my God!
‫I had assumed, the one ‫who would be hurt would be me.
‫Taxi!
‫Nearest hospital.
‫Shit!
‫Is she all right؟
‫She lost a tooth ‫and needed a stitch in her lip.
‫They had a plastic surgeon, and it ‫won't scar. She's scared and swollen.
‫Her parents are on the way. ‫I have to go.
‫Thanks for being here.
‫I'll call you.
‫For what؟
‫We're so over.
‫We need a newword for "over".
‫carrie.
‫Surprise. ‫Where have you been all day؟
‫I went to a museum. ‫Just walking around.
‫- oh, yeah؟ Howwas it؟ ‫- It was good.
‫- I'll just wash my face. I'll be right in. ‫- oK.
‫Somehow, I had found a way ‫to let myself out of the mess.
‫I'd made it home.