‫۳۱۲ - Don't Ask, Don't Tell
‫For Miranda, the only thing worse
‫than being charlotte's ‫۳۴-year-old bridesmaid
‫was being a ۳۴-year-old ‫bridesmaid without a date.
‫With the wedding approaching,
‫Miranda fell prey to the siren song ‫of a singles event.
‫Multi-dating.
‫$۲۰ bought you seven mini-dates, ‫each eight minutes long
‫which is as long ‫as blind dates should be.
‫Hi. I'm Miranda Hobbes.
‫Dwight owens.
‫Private wealth group at Morgan ‫Stanley Investment Management
‫for high net-worth individuals
‫and pension plans.
‫Like my job, been there five years,
‫divorced, no kids, not religious.
‫I live in New Jersey,
‫speak French and Portuguese.
‫Any of this appealing؟
‫Sure. Portuguese, that's impressive.
‫Obrigado- What about you, Mandy؟
‫Miranda.
‫I'm a lawyer at a mid-sized firm.
‫I was recently made partner.
‫I'm a lawyer.
‫I went to Harvard Law School.
‫- I'm a stewardess. ‫- Really؟
‫But before the wedding bells, ‫there's the rehearsal dinner.
‫- You said you were a stewardess. ‫- I was testing a theory.
‫- The theory being... ‫- Men are threatened by good jobs.
‫- They don't want a lawyer. They... ‫- Want a liar.
‫I was the liar. ‫I'd finally ended my affair with Big,
‫but the guilt of lying to Aidan was ‫like a hangover I couldn't sleep off.
‫- I'm just saying, as a lawyer ‫a partner, no less - I got zero dates.
‫As a stewardess, ‫I got one for tomorrow.
‫- The correct term is "flight attendant". ‫- Not if you wanna get laid.
‫It's how you say what you do that ‫matters. For example, "I'm in PR".
‫Translation - "I give great head".
‫- What؟ ‫- He's actually an oK guy.
‫Harris Bragan, ‫emergency room doctor.
‫Yeah, but you can't date the guy now ‫because you lied.
‫I'd tell him eventually. If he got upset ‫he'd look completely shallow.
‫And it would make you look schizo.
‫Excuse me. I...
‫We...
‫See, mother, I told you ‫I'd become a "we" sooner or later.
‫This is a "wee" toast.
‫I'd like to thank everyone for coming, ‫especially the out-of-towners.
‫My cousin caleb, who's in the ‫wedding party, came from Edinburgh.
‫Someone had to bring ‫the real Scotch, like.
‫I knowwhat I'll be having later.
‫But the person I'd really like to thank ‫for showing up is this woman here.
‫I love you more than words can say.
‫Those who know me know I'm a man ‫of many words. God knows I've tried.
‫All righty, then. ‫Let's eat, drink, and be married.
‫- She's so happy. ‫- She doesn't have to be a bridesmaid.
‫We got off easy. ‫The groomsmen have to wear kilts.
‫- I like the idea of men in skirts ‫easy access.
‫Is it true that ‫they wear nothing underneath؟
‫I'll find out and get back to you.
‫His name was caleb, right؟
‫Hi there. I'm samantha Jones.
‫caleb MacDougal, Samantha. ‫Pleasure.
‫- First time in New York city؟ ‫- Aye, and it's brilliant, like.
‫The architecture, the energy. ‫It is, you know.
‫Samantha could ‫barely understand him.
‫But if his tongue could do that, ‫she wondered what it could do to her.
‫I'd be happy ‫to showyou around town.
‫That would be great.
‫Trey got lost bringing me back ‫from the Stanhope Hotel, like.
‫Samantha wasn't the only one ‫feeling lost.
‫- I'm thinking I have to tell him. ‫- Tell who؟
‫Aidan. ‫I might have to tell him about Big.
‫- Why would you do that؟ ‫- I don't know.
‫Relationships are supposed ‫to be built on trust.
‫No offence, but that ship has sailed.
‫You're right. You have to tell him, but ‫not before the wedding. It's my week.
‫It's your day. ‫You get a day, not a week.
‫There's no reason to tell him. ‫Men lie about this all the time.
‫- And women find out. ‫- What if he finds out؟
‫You fucked Big all over Manhattan. ‫Why should he find out now؟
‫could you not use ‫the f-word in vera Wang؟
‫If my boyfriend was sleeping ‫with somebody else for three weeks,
‫I'd wanna know about it. ‫I'd wanna have all the information.
‫That might mean more coming from ‫someone not posing as a stewardess.
‫What؟
‫Nothing, but at your wedding we have ‫to pretend Miranda's a stewardess.
‫I don't wanna pretend anything. And ‫I don't want you and Aidan fighting.
‫Don't you think ‫this could be a little shorter؟
‫- The skirts must the same length. ‫- Really؟
‫- What about Trey's skirt؟ ‫- It's a kilt, and it's tradition.
‫can't I ask you not to wear your dress ‫round your see-you-next-Tuesday؟
‫My what؟
‫- c-U-Next... ‫- Tuesday؟
‫oh, my God. Was that ‫a Schoolhouse Rock I missed؟
‫If I have to be a bridesmaid, ‫I'd at least like to look good.
‫- You don't have to be a bridesmaid. ‫- Then why am I here؟
‫Frankly, I didn't want you ‫to feel left out.
‫I would love to be left out. I could be ‫in bed with a hot Scot right now.
‫Fine.
‫- Don't do this. ‫- What؟ We're just being honest.
‫Honestly, I hate this color.
‫I started thinking about honesty. ‫Maybe the idea was overrated.
‫Maybe coming clean is the ultimate ‫selfish act, a way to absolve yourself
‫by hurting someone ‫who doesn't deserve to be hurt.
‫I cheated on a test ‫in the fifth grade with two friends.
‫They confessed and failed the class.
‫I never told anyone, ‫and it never mattered.
‫In a relationship, ‫is honesty really the best policy؟
‫Evidently, dishonesty was ‫the best policy for Miranda.
‫As a stewardess, ‫she was a charming date.
‫once you work first class, ‫you can't go back to coach.
‫- I imagine. ‫- oh, yeah.
‫- No warm cookies in coach. ‫- You get to eat the cookies؟
‫There's always some actress ‫who doesn't want her cookie.
‫- Free travel, cookies ‫this sounds like a great job.
‫- You've got the great job ‫a New York ER. I'm not saving lives.
‫You are, in the event ‫of an emergency.
‫Inflatable slide - I'm in charge of that.
‫But once we open the slide, ‫it's every man for himself.
‫That night, Harris got to make love ‫to a stewardess.
‫Miranda didn't have to fake anything.
‫- Wow. ‫- Yeah, wow.
‫I'd love to ask you to spend the night, ‫but I've got an early flight to Dc.
‫The ۵:۰۰am-er.
‫I should get some rest too.
‫Saturdays at the hospital are non-stop ‫since roller blades were invented.
‫- Do you have a boy in every port؟ ‫- Every airport.
‫Seriously. I bet you're a heartbreaker.
‫In truth, it's a lonely life.
‫There's a wedding I'm in on Sunday.
‫Days later, the four of us celebrated
‫charlotte's last night ‫as a single woman.
‫I can't believe you're getting married.
‫Is this the beginning؟ ‫Are you next؟
‫oh, yeah. ‫I'm headed for a storybook ending.
‫The little girl had an affair, lied to her ‫boyfriend, and lived happily ever after.
‫Marriage doesn't guarantee ‫a happy ending, just an ending.
‫- The end of dating. ‫- All right then.
‫It's also the end of the possibility
‫that your next great fuck ‫is around the corner.
‫My next great...
‫- Yes؟ ‫- Say it.
‫fuck is just around the corner....
‫I finally get to sleep with Trey.
‫- Excuse me؟ ‫- You haven't slept with him yet؟
‫Before you buy the car, ‫you take it for a test drive.
‫I wanted to save myself ‫until we got married.
‫- Sweetie, you're not a virgin. ‫- I am with him, and it's romantic.
‫It's romantic until he can't figure out ‫where to put it in.
‫- No. ‫- What if he's terrible؟
‫He won't be terrible. No.
‫He is an amazing kisser.
‫- Really؟ ‫- He's so sexy, and he loves me.
‫I want to do things to him ‫that I have never done to anybody.
‫The other night, I was thinking ‫of putting whipped cream
‫all over my body.
‫Low fat cool Whip is the best. ‫It's less sticky than other brands.
‫- Low fat cool Whip. ‫- You haven't slept with him!
‫It's been...
‫Too long! I am so horny.
‫Horny.
‫Those of us not getting married ‫celebrated with a booty call.
‫I'm so glad you called.
‫As soon as I landed.
‫Samantha's vertical Scotch tasting ‫that turned into a horizontal one.
‫I had no idea you Yanks ‫were so bloody friendly.
‫She couldn't understand him, ‫but understood he was hard.
‫I decided to crawl into bed with Aidan, ‫but he wasn't in his bed.
‫Hey, beautiful. ‫What brings you down here؟
‫I was trying to surprise you.
‫You can't surprise a man with a dog.
‫I see that.
‫What are you working on؟
‫- The wedding gift. ‫- This is for charlotte and Trey؟
‫You wanted to give them ‫a piece of my furniture.
‫You didn't have to make something. ‫We could have picked a piece.
‫I make all that stuff too.
‫I know, but this is too nice.
‫I wanted it to mean something.
‫God, I was about to get them ‫steak knives.
‫What does it mean؟
‫- It's a love seat. ‫- That I get.
‫It's two different types of wood ‫from two different trees.
‫They blend together ‫and make it stronger, just like...
‫A mixed drink.
‫- Kind of like two people in love. ‫- Right, that too.
‫Are you gonna make fun of this؟
‫It's really... ‫nicer than anyone deserves.
‫You see this piece؟
‫This big old flaw right here؟
‫It's not a flaw, really.
‫It's just the way the wood is. ‫It's interesting. Beautiful.
‫Flaws can be good؟
‫Flaws are the best part.
‫This was the time to tell him. ‫I could feel the words inside me.
‫But if I told him, ‫could he still love me؟
‫I wasn't ready to find out.
‫There was another ‫booty call that night.
‫Hi, sweetiekins.
‫charlotte Yorke, are you drunk؟
‫Yes. Yes, I am, Trey MacDougal.
‫And today is ‫officially our wedding day.
‫And I can't wait any longer.
‫could we please make love ‫right now؟
‫- Are you sure؟ ‫- oh, yes, I am.
‫Take me to your bedroom now.
‫All righty then.
‫That was unfortunate.
‫Has this... ‫ever happened to you before؟
‫Every now and then.
‫I just didn't think ‫it would happen with you.
‫It's no big deal.
‫Sometimes intercourse ‫just doesn't do it for me.
‫I can get the sails up, ‫just can't bring it into the harbor.
‫- Is there anything I can do؟ ‫- Yes, there is.
‫What؟
‫You can marry me.
‫- I'm already doing that. ‫- I love you, charlotte.
‫Sex is such a small part of it for us.
‫That's what I love about you. ‫It's not just about the sex.
‫charlotte couldn't sleep at all ‫that night.
‫Neither could I.
‫All I could think about was ‫that I was a cheater.
‫I cheated and lied in fifth grade, ‫and I was still doing it.
‫- This isn't gonna work. ‫- What do you mean؟ Us؟
‫I can't have you sneaking out at ۳:۰۰ ‫in the morning for a cigarette.
‫I tried to quit. I just couldn't.
‫Well...
‫I'll just have to learn to live with it.
‫- You said you can't date a smoker. ‫- You're not just a smoker.
‫You're a lot of things.
‫- I'm not perfect. ‫- oh, yeah؟ What's your flaw؟
‫You tell me.
‫I don't know.
‫That was another lie.
‫I knewwhat his flawwas. ‫It was trusting me with his heart.
‫- Aidan, I need to tell you something. ‫- What؟
‫But suddenly I couldn't tell him.
‫I was afraid he'd never ‫look at me that way again.
‫So I didn't.
‫I love you.
‫I love you, too.
‫- Let's go back and go to bed. ‫- No, I should get home.
‫My stuff's at home, ‫the stuff for the wedding.
‫I'm the maid of honor. ‫I need to be presentable.
‫I'll come with you.
‫No, stay here. ‫Just pick me up in the morning.
‫I'll get my stuff. I have to go.
‫Is this wedding black tie؟ ‫I don't have a tux.
‫The groom is in a kilt, ‫so pretty...
‫- What happened؟ ‫- I cut my finger.
‫Jesus.
‫It's oK. It happens.
‫You haven't made breakfast
‫till you've made it at ۱۰,۰۰۰ feet ‫in turbulence.
‫- It's really bleeding. Look. ‫- I saw it.
‫- What should I do؟ ‫- I don't know.
‫- It's deep. Do I need stitches؟ ‫- Stop putting it in my face.
‫- I think it's really bad, look. ‫- Stop it. Blood makes me queasy.
‫But you're a doctor. Aren't you؟
‫- Not really. ‫- What are you then؟
‫Assistant Manager of Athlete's Foot ‫at ۸۱st and Broadway.
‫- You lied؟ ‫- I'm sorry.
‫I always wanted ‫to sleep with a stewardess.
‫For a moment, ‫Miranda considered coming clean.
‫But then they'd both be liars,
‫and he wouldn't have slept ‫with a stewardess.
‫You should go. I hope I never ‫have you on one of my flights.
‫- I wouldn't be on first class. ‫- No, you wouldn't.
‫I'm running late. charlotte will never ‫forgive me. I need to...
‫What's that؟
‫- It's the wedding gift. ‫- That love seat packs up nice.
‫It's a Polaroid.
‫You look too hot to be a bridesmaid.
‫I thought the whole point was to wear ‫a bad dress and be humiliated.
‫It's not that kind of wedding.
‫I thought maybe one day ‫I'd build us a love seat.
‫We're gonna be late. ‫I'm just gonna grab my...
‫I was supposed to be ‫at the church ten minutes ago.
‫You never let me hold you anymore.
‫- Why do you keep running away؟ ‫- I'm not running away.
‫What are you afraid of؟
‫Aidan, I slept with my ex-boyfriend.
‫You met him at the furniture show. ‫Then we slept together.
‫I didn't tell you, and I'm sorry.
‫You slept with that guy؟
‫When we were going out؟
‫- once؟ ‫- No, more than once.
‫He was married. It was a mess.
‫I don't knowwhat I was thinking. ‫I wasn't thinking.
‫It's so over. And it was wrong.
‫I just hope you can...
‫Here. I want to be alone.
‫What about the wedding؟
‫Just go without me.
‫- I'm gonna take a walk. ‫- Will you meet me there later؟
‫- Please don't bleed on my dress. ‫- I'm trying not to.
‫- Here we go. ‫- Where is carrie؟
‫She'll be here.
‫charlotte, my grandmother's necklace ‫looks beautiful on you.
‫- could I escort you to your seat؟ ‫- Excuse me؟
‫He asked ‫if he could escort you to your seat.
‫certainly.
‫I guess it's time.
‫They do wear something under kilts, ‫but it's easy to get off.
‫The wedding was complete. charlotte ‫had something old, something new,
‫something borrowed, ‫and someone Samantha blew.
‫- I'm sorry I'm so late. ‫- It's oK. I'm glad you're here.
‫Jeez, you look perfect.
‫Honestly؟
‫Honestly.
‫- We should go. come on. ‫- oK.
‫Despite all her bitching, Samantha ‫enjoyed being a bridesmaid.
‫Miranda, back to being herself, ‫found a last-minute date.
‫carrie.
‫- I have to tell you something. ‫- Right now؟
‫Yeah.
‫- Trey can't get it up. ‫- What؟
‫- Last night he couldn't get it up. ‫- Was he drunk؟
‫No. I was drunk, he was fine.
‫Then it must have been ‫wedding-night jitters.
‫He says it happens sometimes.
‫Since she was in the white dress, ‫I reached for a white lie.
‫Happens to everybody.
‫I should have slept with him ‫on the first date.
‫Maybe he jerked off ‫before you got there,
‫and he was ‫too embarrassed to tell you.
‫- I do love him. ‫- And he loves you.
‫Maybe he did jerk off.
‫If you don't wanna go through this, ‫you don't have to.
‫We'll just get a cab, and everyone ‫will just have to get over it.
‫No. I'm getting married.
‫- oK, go. ‫- oK.
‫carrie!
‫come here.
‫Don't tell anyone. Go. ‫oK, go.
‫charlotte was ۳۴, single, ‫and standing in a $۱۴,۰۰۰ dress.
‫She was getting married. ‫Not even a low libido could stop her.
‫- could you hold this for a second؟ ‫- Sure.
‫Hey, you.
‫I walked around for about an hour.
‫couldn't bring myself to go in.
‫I'm so sorry, Aidan.
‫I knowthat.
‫I never meant to hurt you.
‫I know.
‫But I did. I'm sorry.
‫couldn't it be like the wood؟ ‫That's my flaw, and...
‫and you're the other wood,... ‫and that makes us stronger.
‫It's not that simple, carrie.
‫I wish I didn't know about this.
‫I just wanted to be honest with you.
‫People make mistakes.
‫I just know myself. This is not ‫the kind of thing I can get over.
‫I just need to be ‫on my own for a while.
‫Me on my own.
‫I really loved you.
‫- carrie, they need us for photos. ‫- oK.
‫I told him.
‫It's hard to find people ‫who will love you no matter what.
‫Here we go. Smile. ‫Everybody looks beautiful.
‫I was lucky enough ‫to find three of them.