‫۳۱۳ - Escape From New York
‫- NewYork City
‫dreary, gray, miserable.
‫Or was that just me؟
‫After a sordid affair ‫with my ex-boyfriend,
‫and a break-up with my current one,
‫it was time for a change of scenery.
‫And I wasn't alone.
‫You're going to LA without me!
‫You went on your honeymoon ‫without us.
‫I have pictures.
‫While we planned our escape,
‫Charlotte celebrated her return.
‫she and Trey had just returned ‫from Bermuda.
‫Here, Trey and I are playing golf.
‫Do you think the studio ‫will send a limo to pick us up؟
‫- No, I do not. ‫- They're making your column a film.
‫It's a little company that's just ‫talking about optioning my columns.
‫I know. I was just ‫practicing my LA spin.
‫Here's one of Trey pretending to get ‫a hole in one. He loved that gag.
‫Who wouldn't؟
‫Did you notice ‫we're both wearing Bermuda shorts؟
‫Bermudas in Bermuda. ‫You kids were crazy down there!
‫I'd love to stay, but I've gotta ‫take my cat to the kennel.
‫- Lovely. ‫- I gotta go too.
‫- The car's picking us up at one. ‫- We'll be there.
‫Welcome back, you old married lady.
‫- Bye. Have fun. ‫- All right.
‫- How are you؟ ‫- Good. How are you؟
‫Great.
‫I told Aidan about the affair. ‫He broke up with me.
‫- We never had sex on honeymoon. ‫- You win.
‫shall we get more coffee or shall we ‫get guns and kill ourselves؟
‫He couldn't get it up.
‫We tried twice. It was so frustrating, ‫we started playing golf.
‫After many days of golf, Charlotte's ‫handicap had gone down twelve.
‫Trey's handicap had stayed the same.
‫- Impotence is a common problem. ‫- Oh, God.
‫Do you think he's impotent؟
‫Well...
‫My husband can't be impotent. ‫He's gorgeous.
‫All right then. Glad you solved that.
‫He was nervous about the wedding, ‫the honeymoon and the golf.
‫- He played really badly one day. ‫- What do you want me to say؟
‫- Let's change the subject. ‫- Right.
‫- What happened with Aidan؟ ‫- Nothing good.
‫I only agreed to this trip to get ‫away from Aidan and the whole mess.
‫Let's go to Barneys. I can't go ‫to Los Angeles without new shoes.
‫No. You go, I'm gonna stay ‫and have another cup.
‫- Just go. Have fun. ‫- All right.
‫- Call me if you need me. ‫- OK.
‫Later, three single New Yorkers ‫arrived in the City of Angels.
‫I so needed this vacation.
‫- You and me both, sister. ‫- Hooray for Hollywood!
‫That's his job؟ To sit ‫in a fake fish tank in underwear؟
‫- What do you think he's reading؟ ‫- The want ads؟
‫- There's a problem. ‫- Words I'm never fond of hearing.
‫I have reservations for Jones ‫and Bradshaw, but not Hobbes.
‫- That's just great. ‫- There should be three reservations.
‫The production company requested ‫two rooms, and we're booked up.
‫Fuck, fuck, fuck.
‫she's from New York.
‫I understand. ‫I'll have another room tomorrow.
‫Until then, could you stay ‫with one of your friends؟
‫- I'll stay with her. ‫- Don't complain about my smoking.
‫They didn't request smoking rooms.
‫- Excuse me؟ ‫- You're on a non-smoking floor.
‫Words I'm even less fond of hearing.
‫Later, decked out ‫in our "New York goes to LA" finest,
‫we were ready for a night on the town.
‫- OK, I'm ready. ‫- Let's go.
‫Back in the hotel bar, we realized
‫the three-hour time difference made ‫us three hours late for cocktail hour.
‫- Welcome to LA. I'm Garth. ‫- You know I'm from out of town؟
‫If you lived here, ‫we would have met by now.
‫What do you do when you're not ‫a one-man welcome wagon؟
‫- I'm a dildo model. ‫- You wouldn't tease a girl؟
‫I'm the number two selling model ‫in the Us. Number one in Canada.
‫- My dick's bigger in Canada. ‫- You gotta love that metric system.
‫I gotta run.
‫Where؟ ‫A dildo emergency؟
‫You think I'm yanking your chain, ‫but I'm not.
‫We're having a promotional party ‫at Hustler store,
‫celebrating the launch ‫of a new line of toys and accessories.
‫Here's an invitation. come.
‫I always do.
‫As samantha said goodbye ‫to Mr. Dildo,
‫Miranda said hello to Mr. Dique. ‫Mr. Jason Dique.
‫It's spelled D-I-Q-U-E. And yes, ‫I've thought about changing it.
‫It would be worse ‫if your first name was Little.
‫What do you do؟
‫- I'm a lawyer. ‫- I thought I had it bad.
‫- No. ‫- No, it's great. You look like a lawyer.
‫You look like a dick.
‫It is so great ‫to talk to a smart and funny woman.
‫What was I saying؟
‫- It's great to talk to a smart woman. ‫- Yeah.
‫Could you excuse me for a second؟
‫I was having drinks with the most ‫- feared creature in Los Angeles
‫the junior development executive.
‫I love your columns. ‫They're so relatable.
‫- Thanks. I try. ‫- It's like I'm you.
‫I will be when I turn ۳۰.
‫You! You are such a loser. ‫You're a loser.
‫You are. Loser.
‫I'm kidding.
‫What a loser. Last year, ‫he pitched me nothing but shit ۲۴-۷.
‫- That's a lot of shit. ‫- No shit.
‫seriously, I am you.
‫You've had your heart broken, ‫I've had my heart broken.
‫If I have, ‫that means other girls have.
‫If other girls have, ‫that means big opening weekend.
‫Not x-Men big, but chick flick big.
‫The guy who came up with that term ‫should have his balls cut off.
‫- Isn't that a little severe؟ ‫- I hope I don't sound like an asshole.
‫- I love your shoes. ‫- Oh, thanks.
‫Big news. ‫I have a star interested. Guess who.
‫- Drew Barrymore؟ ‫- No. Guess.
‫- I'm not good with celebrity names. ‫- Guess.
‫- That Jennifer Love something girl؟ ‫- No. Guess.
‫I'm done guessing.
‫Matthew McConaughey.
‫- Why would he wanna be involved؟ ‫- Because he's smart.
‫He's a producer as well, ‫and he took to the material.
‫We're meeting him tomorrow at ۳:۰۰.
‫Hot, hotty, hot. ‫What do you think؟
‫In New York, Charlotte was dealing ‫with a bed that was cold, coldy, cold.
‫- Trey, come to bed. It's late. ‫- In a minute.
‫I won't sleep until I've entered ‫all these wedding gifts.
‫sleep was the last thing Charlotte ‫hoped Trey would do in bed.
‫I've listed the gifts, ‫who it's from, and the addresses.
‫Make it a breeze when you ‫send out the thank-you notes.
‫I can't wait till this wedding nonsense ‫is behind us.
‫Then we can relax ‫and just be a regular man and wife.
‫Wait.
‫Jamesons were crystal candlesticks ‫and sullivans were silver؟
‫Hello there.
‫You know, since we've been home,
‫I've been feeling ‫so much more relaxed, haven't you؟
‫You've deleted Mr. and Mrs. Handy ‫and their steuben glass bowl. Wait.
‫Trey...
‫We have a problem.
‫I know.
‫We've got two serving platters. ‫We only registered for one.
‫Charlotte walked back ‫to her big park Avenue bed,
‫wishing she had remembered ‫to register for a sex life.
‫When visiting LA, ‫- there are two things you must do
‫one is rent a fabulous car,
‫two is learn how to drive it.
‫- You said you could drive a stick. ‫- I did a few times in a parking lot.
‫Why didn't you get an automatic؟
‫I love this car. ‫It goes with my outfit.
‫I believed that cars are to Los Angeles ‫what handbags are to New York.
‫What's with this hill؟ ‫LA is supposed to be flat.
‫- They mean culturally. ‫- The hotel's there.
‫To get there ‫we have to go up this hill.
‫That's enough. stop.
‫I'm not going to die in this tin can. ‫I have a date with a dildo.
‫- I'm sorry. ‫- OK. Come on, we're gonna do it.
‫Yeah, baby.
‫A little later, ‫freshly showered and freaked out,
‫I drove to the studio for my meeting ‫with Matthew McConaughey.
‫- Can I help you؟ ‫- Building five؟
‫There aren't any hills in there, ‫are there؟
‫- Go down there, make a left. ‫- Thank you.
‫I do. I like all of it. ‫Your writing is brilliant.
‫I really do. ‫It's sharp, edgy, brutal at times.
‫It's always a little juicy. ‫It's very New York.
‫I do like it. I really do.
‫My God. Thank you, ‫Matthew McConaughey.
‫You're welcome, ‫Carrie Bradshaw.
‫- Here's what I've been thinking about
‫how do we get your column ‫to translate to the silver screen؟
‫I think I've got the answer.
‫What if we flush out ‫the central relationship؟
‫- OK. The central relationship. ‫- Carrie and Mr. Big.
‫I don't see why ‫they couldn't make it work.
‫I couldn't believe it. ‫I flew ۳,۰۰۰ miles
‫to have Matthew McConaughey ask ‫what I've asked myself for years؟
‫Look at him. ‫He is such a great guy.
‫I don't know anybody ‫any cooler than Mr. Big.
‫The only question is, ‫"What the fuck is Carrie's problem؟"
‫What do you think؟
‫Well... ‫I don't particularly think
‫it was just her problem.
‫He had some commitment issues.
‫That's bullshit, Carrie, ‫and you know it.
‫Cut.
‫Kidding. I'm acting.
‫That's what I do. ‫see what I mean؟
‫That's why I wanna develop ‫the story with you.
‫I'm Mr. Big.
‫Oh, OK. ‫Well. Yeah. That's...
‫Excellent. You're in. ‫You know what else؟
‫I really wanna fuck you, baby.
‫- Are you acting now؟ ‫- I'm Big, OK؟ You be Carrie.
‫- I am Carrie. ‫- We're animals.
‫Man, woman, walking the earth. ‫We're made of head, heart and loins.
‫We're talking about using them, ‫am I right؟
‫I have...
‫The girl said that we would ‫talk about the columns today.
‫Let's get down to the underbelly ‫of these two characters.
‫Let's figure out ‫why they're so fucked up.
‫Well, I have a facial at four.
‫I love you. I don't understand ‫why we can't be together.
‫- Do you mind if I smoke؟ ‫- I don't think you should.
‫- What؟ ‫- I don't think Carrie should smoke.
‫That's all right.
‫Or in my office. OK؟
‫After I left the meeting ‫I took a wrong turn
‫and somehow found myself ‫- right back where I had started
‫back in New York, ‫back wondering about Big.
‫I had come to LA for a vacation,
‫hoping to get away from Big, Aidan, ‫and most of all myself.
‫sitting on the fake set, ‫all my issues felt more real than ever.
‫I couldn't help but wonder - no matter ‫how far you travel or run from it,
‫can you ever really escape your past؟
‫Ma'am؟ No smoking.
‫I'm outside.
‫And it's New York.
‫In New York, the release of a new ‫book is cause for celebration.
‫Here in LA, a new line ‫of sex toys will do the trick.
‫- Isn't this fun؟ ‫- The answer would be no.
‫- We want to go. ‫- What؟ We can't leave yet.
‫- They haven't cut the cock. ‫- Do you think it's cream-filled؟
‫I am exhausted ‫from McConaughey mania.
‫I wanna get into bed, go to sleep ‫and pretend this day never happened.
‫stay! Garth is gonna autograph ‫some dildos. He's a big seller.
‫- He's the John Grisham of penises. ‫- I'm gonna get in line.
‫I can't believe how open ‫and "Hi, have sex" this place is.
‫In New York ‫sex is bottom shelf, paper bag.
‫Exactly. It's all hidden, like me.
‫- What do you mean؟ ‫- Last night I talked to this cute guy.
‫We were having a great time. Then ‫a woman in a tight dress walked by,
‫- with big breasts ‫just boom, here they are.
‫- He totally went for it. ‫- Right.
‫I wanted to have sex but it was hidden ‫in my witty banter and my little looks.
‫- she put it out there and got the guy. ‫- But how long did she have him؟
‫Who cares؟ ‫I wanna get laid.
‫I admire women who can put it ‫out there where you can see it.
‫Like her.
‫- You want to dress like her؟ ‫- You know what I mean.
‫Do you think there's any chance ‫she's not up for sex؟
‫No, because she's a hooker.
‫- Hi. Have we met؟ ‫- No.
‫I was telling my friend how much ‫I admire what you're wearing.
‫Thank you.
‫- Are you in the porn industry؟ ‫- God, no. I'm a lawyer for Disney.
‫see؟
‫- There you go. Enjoy. ‫- Thank you so much.
‫You made it.
‫My opinion of Canadian consumers ‫just went up a notch.
‫sign it, please.
‫- How shall I sign it؟ ‫- I don't know.
‫To samantha, who's staying ‫at the standard, room ۳۲۴.
‫- perfect. I'll deliver it personally. ‫- You're too kind.
‫That night, samantha took home ‫the Deluxe Garth.
‫Next door, I learned that not only ‫could I not escape my past,
‫I couldn't escape my present.
‫What is it about California air؟ ‫It makes me sleep so well.
‫It's not the air. Your headboard ‫knocked you unconscious.
‫- You heard us؟ ‫- I didn't.
‫- No, Ms snore, you wouldn't. ‫- Are you OK؟
‫I'm cranky. I have another meeting ‫with McConaughey and his partners
‫to brainstorm what goes wrong ‫with "Carrie" and her relationships.
‫Don't go.
‫I have to. ‫I'm their little writer monkey.
‫I've got something ‫to make you feel better.
‫Dildos before ۱۰:۰۰am. ‫I'm all perked up.
‫They're autographed. ‫One for each.
‫My friend went to California, ‫and all I got was this lousy dildo.
‫Could you put these back؟ ‫people are staring.
‫In LA no one cares if your egg whites ‫have a side of cock.
‫Wow! Nobody needs this much.
‫The average woman ‫is only five inches deep.
‫Is that written on your placemat؟
‫- The mark of a fine penis is width. ‫- Couldn't agree more.
‫That's why you'll enjoy your presents.
‫Are you saying ‫that Garth has the perfect girth؟
‫Exactly.
‫As much as I enjoy ‫the fine life-like craftsmanship,
‫I'm going to leave mine with you.
‫I'm holding on to mine. LA isn't ‫working out the way I had hoped.
‫Meanwhile, back in New York and ‫still no closer to being in-put by Trey,
‫Charlotte addressed thank you notes.
‫Every time she licked a love stamp, ‫it made a mockery of her marriage.
‫It's me. It's been days and nothing. ‫What if he really is impotent؟
‫What kind of impotence ‫do you think it is؟
‫- The kind that makes it soft. ‫- No, no. physical or emotional؟
‫- I don't know. ‫- Have you asked him about it؟
‫He's embarrassed. ‫He doesn't want to talk about it.
‫Here's what to do - put a ring of paper ‫around his penis while he's asleep.
‫- I sound like a perverted Nancy Drew. ‫- What does that do؟
‫If it rips overnight, he is capable of an ‫erection. The problem is not physical.
‫- This floor is non-smoking. ‫- I have an addiction, sir.
‫- A ring of paper. ‫- Yup.
‫That night, samantha invited Mr. ‫Dildo out for dim sum, and then some.
‫Tell me more about yourself. ‫What are your interests؟
‫- That's pretty obvious. ‫- I'm serious.
‫Don't you wanna know ‫more about me, my interests؟
‫- OK. ‫- I'm a poet.
‫I've been published in journals...
‫Garth wanted samantha to know ‫that he was more than just a sex toy.
‫He had a soft side.
‫Do you want to hear one؟
‫Far away, Charlotte was dealing ‫with Trey's soft side as well.
‫she was going to get some answers.
‫she came to bed armed with love.
‫she went to sleep hoping her male ‫had sufficient postage
‫to deliver his package into her box.
‫Back at the hotel, samantha ‫was waiting for a delivery of her own.
‫Once again, the leaves bloomed forth
‫some headed south, ‫some headed north
‫That's beautiful. ‫Come here.
‫Blue as a baby bird
‫Winged and aloft ‫My eyes search your eyes
‫For something I've lost
‫samantha, I was thinking.
‫- You were؟ ‫- We have this great connection.
‫And I've done LA. ‫How about I move to New York؟
‫I could pursue my two passions, ‫poetry and porn.
‫- I... ‫- Wouldn't it be great؟
‫We could keep seeing each other.
‫Having a fling in LA is one thing,
‫but introducing Mr. Dildo to everyone ‫at a gala at the Met was quite another.
‫I don't think it would work. I know me.
‫I'm much too possessive a woman ‫to share your penis with the world.
‫Just like that, samantha escaped ‫a life as Mrs. Dildo.
‫she moved Garth ‫out of her present and into her past.
‫But she took ‫the best part of him with her.
‫I had finally found a place ‫to escape Miranda's snoring.
‫The ghosts of my relationships past ‫weren't so easy to shake.
‫I hadn't really moved on from Big ‫and Aidan. I'd just moved.
‫Excuse me.
‫I'll put it out, ok؟
‫No, I was wondering ‫if I could bum one.
‫sorry, it was my last one.
‫Do you want some company؟
‫- Are you sure you wanna be alone؟ ‫- I am.
‫As soon as I said it out loud, ‫I knew that that was what I wanted...
‫and needed....
‫Charlotte woke up as excited ‫as a little girl on Christmas morning.
‫she couldn't wait to see ‫if Trey's package was unwrapped.
‫Morning, morning, morning.
‫Good morning. ‫What are you so excited about؟
‫Nothing. I just love you.
‫I love you, too.
‫For the first time in weeks, ‫Charlotte felt relieved.
‫Trey's problem wasn't physical. ‫Then she realized,
‫if it wasn't physical, she couldn't ‫escape that it might be emotional.
‫There was no easy ‫love stamp solution to fix that.
‫I am totally digging this scene.
‫It's so urban cowboy circa ۱۹۸۲.
‫All the great places in LA and we're ‫at the saddle Ranch Chop House؟
‫Don't complain, it's the closest bar ‫without a hill involved.
‫This is what I'm talking about. ‫Look at her.
‫she screams sex. It's so honest.
‫- I wish I could be more like that. ‫- stop complaining. Do something.
‫OK, which lovely lady ‫is gonna be next؟
‫- I will. ‫- Miranda, no.
‫- she will. ‫- No.
‫Hold on.
‫We weren't sure if it was the climate ‫or the five beers she drank,
‫but as soon as she got on that bull, ‫Miranda escaped Miranda.
‫Wow, I can see ‫she really did need a vacation.
‫The next day, ‫as I pulled up to the studio, I realized,
‫I was the one who held the key ‫to my escape.
‫I could go in and have someone tell ‫me the mistakes I'd made in my past,
‫or I could drive on ‫and figure them out myself.
‫That's what I did.
‫If I could master a stick shift,
‫could a successful relationship ‫be that far behind؟