‫۳۱۴ - Sex And Another City
‫LA - land of perpetual sun ‫and sunbathing, which also makes it
‫land of the perpetual bikini wax.
‫After a week, I made an appointment ‫- with the city's waxer to the stars
‫Alicia.
‫she was known for her artful work, ‫her lightning-quick hands...
‫and her indecipherable accent....
‫Excuse me؟
‫All done. Beautiful. You look.
‫I got mugged!
‫she took everything I've got.
‫It's called "The Brazilian Wax. "
‫Why didn't you tell her to stop؟
‫I feel like one of those hairless dogs.
‫It's an aesthetic thing. They do it here.
‫LA men are too lazy ‫to search for anything.
‫You can't hide your light ‫under a bush.
‫Didn't she leave a triangle, ‫a landing strip؟
‫No, I am totally bald and freezing.
‫- I would have killed her. ‫- I'm so aware of down there now.
‫I feel like I'm nothing but walking sex.
‫The Brazilian makes you do ‫crazy things.
‫Be careful who you invite to Brazil.
‫- I'm officially Rsvp-ing - no. ‫- Where are you going؟
‫- I'm meeting Lew. ‫- Letterman Lew؟
‫He doesn't work for him any more. ‫He's writing that New York sitcom.
‫The one about the kids who live ‫in a loft.
‫- Yeah, one's a feisty waitress. ‫- What are you and Lew gonna do؟
‫We'll have drinks and bitch about LA. ‫I can't believe he lives here now.
‫- Tell him to move to Brazil. ‫- You're on your own tonight.
‫- We'll go to that movie premiere. ‫- What's the movie؟
‫I don't know. We'll use my press pass ‫and get into the after party.
‫- I love LA. ‫- You two should get out of the sun.
‫Lew asked Miranda ‫to meet him at The Flowing Tree.
‫surrounded by all these tanned, ‫fit, happy people,
‫she knew she would recognize pale, ‫chubby, unhappy Lew immediately.
‫Miranda.
‫Oh, my God!
‫- Do I look that different؟ ‫- Good thing you still wear that hat.
‫- If you ever see me in a Lakers hat... ‫-... shoot you.
‫- Exactly. Do you want to sit؟ ‫- You look amazing.
‫- Thanks. Wanna grab a drink؟ ‫- please.
‫Yes, let's go. The sight ‫of all these bleached teeth is blinding.
‫No, here. This place is known ‫for its green tea infusions.
‫please - infusions؟ ‫Could LA be any worse؟
‫Take off that hat, ‫I'm gonna shoot you right now.
‫I really like it here.
‫Where's the guy I shared beers with ‫and made fun of happy people؟
‫I know. The thing is, I think ‫I'm one of those happy people now.
‫- Good for you! ‫- I know it sounds crazy.
‫I was supremely unhappy ‫in NewYork.
‫I came here, and I let ‫a lot of that old toxic anger go.
‫I take things slowly, get outside... ‫LA agrees with me.
‫Miranda realized, ‫she was the one standing out.
‫she was the only angry ‫New Yorker for miles.
‫Let's go for a hike.
‫Later that night, ‫two very happy New Yorkers prepared
‫to hike up their first LA red carpet.
‫- Carrie Bradshaw, New York star. ‫- Are you on the list؟
‫- I'm a columnist. That's me. ‫- Press room is to the left.
‫Crinkle-cut cheese and fat reporters, ‫I don't think so.
‫- Let me see your movie passes. ‫- No one goes to the movie.
‫Everyone goes to the movie. ‫Could you step off the red carpet؟
‫- Do you know who she is؟ ‫- she's not on the list.
‫OK, OK. Let's just go.
‫This wouldn't happen in NewYork. ‫People knowyou in NewYork.
‫- No one goes to the movie. ‫- We're out of here.
‫I'm getting the car.
‫There I was, a Hollywood nobody,
‫cast off the red carpet and standing ‫in my proper place on a parking lot.
‫We're talking in circles here. ‫That's right.
‫I understand. ‫I heard you. OK, sure.
‫Tell her that when she's ready to deal, ‫she can call me herself.
‫- please tell me you have another one. ‫- I thought I had a problem.
‫Got a light for me؟ ‫Thanks.
‫Full tars, very nice. ‫I thought they'd banned these here.
‫I taped them to my body on the plane.
‫- New Yorker؟ ‫- Yeah.
‫Keith Travers, ‫representing Matt Damon.
‫Carrie Bradshaw, ‫representing myself.
‫- Actress؟ ‫- No, no. Writer.
‫Too pretty to be a writer.
‫That's too cheesy ‫for you to be a writer.
‫- It will take an hour to get the car. ‫- samantha Jones, Keith Travers.
‫He's representing Matt Damon.
‫- You aren't going anywhere. ‫- If you say so.
‫Let's go inside, ‫just enjoy our evening.
‫Once we got inside, ‫our magic carpet ride really began.
‫I can't believe they wouldn't let you in. ‫That's a disconnect.
‫- A disconnect؟ ‫- Yeah. It's like a fuck-up.
‫A disconnect!
‫Yeah. You writers are word Nazis. ‫You're gonna ride me with that.
‫someone's ass is ringing, ‫and it ain't mine.
‫Yours would if it could. ‫It would ring.
‫Excuse me, I'll just be one second. ‫Enjoy yourself.
‫That is one tall drink ofwater.
‫she had worshipped Hugh Hefner ‫since she was old enough
‫to steal her father's playboys. ‫This wasn't a celebrity sighting.
‫This was the celebrity sighting.
‫I'll be back.
‫Hugh, hi. I'm samantha Jones.
‫- Hello. ‫- I'm a huge fan.
‫- In that case, join us for a drink. ‫- A drink؟
‫- That would be great. ‫- Thank you.
‫seriously؟
‫- Drinking with three blondes ‫I guess that's a regular day for you.
‫A slow one, yes.
‫I'm pretty crazed this week, ‫but I have an opening on Wednesday.
‫Can I take you out؟ ‫Linc, great table.
‫I had been trying ‫to get into Linc for a week.
‫He seemed smart and sexy, ‫and this outsider liked being inside.
‫- Yeah, OK. sure. ‫- Great.
‫Hey, Keith. ‫There's a vlp room.
‫- Do you want to go there؟ ‫- Yeah, I want to go to the vlp room.
‫- Let's go. ‫- All right.
‫Back home, ‫Charlotte had never felt more inside.
‫she had just attended ‫her first black tie doctors' benefit.
‫- We make a fine looking couple. ‫- Yes, we do.
‫so, how did I do؟
‫Mrs. MacDougal, you did quite well.
‫Thank you, Dr MacDougal.
‫You know, doctor, I have an itch. ‫Could you help me out with it؟
‫Trey؟
‫Maybe it's time we thought ‫about some options, like viagra.
‫Are you aware that viagra is a killer ‫for men with heart problems؟
‫My father died of a heart attack. ‫It runs in my family.
‫Trey wasn't the only one ‫with heart problems.
‫I'm just trying to help.
‫Now I'm tense. ‫I'm going for a run.
‫It was the fifth time he'd gone running ‫at bedtime in the last two weeks.
‫The next day, samantha decided ‫to get some exercise as well.
‫Her pocketbook was getting ‫most of the workout.
‫Fendi, ۱۵۰.
‫she decided ‫to give her old pocketbook a rest.
‫As Charlotte picked up my mail, ‫she realized
‫she missed more than her sex life. ‫she missed her single life.
‫If Trey could run away ‫from their problems, so could she.
‫- I can't deal with Trey. ‫- Calling might be more economical.
‫And I really missed you guys.
‫We missed you too.
‫- Trey is... ‫- It's not working.
‫He refuses to even talk about it.
‫- I take it you'll be staying؟ ‫- I need a vacation.
‫You came to the right place. ‫I gotta meet this Keith guy.
‫Miranda and samantha ‫are down by the pool.
‫Charlotte glanced ‫at the glistening pool,
‫and just like that, her marriage ‫and Trey seemed far away.
‫Before lunch, I agreed to go with Keith ‫to see a house he was interested in.
‫This is not a house. This is an airport.
‫It's Lorenzo Lamas'. ‫He's asking ۳.۴, but it'll go for ۳.۲.
‫There's a bargain!
‫In New York, ‫a first date is dinner and a movie.
‫In LA, it's lunch ‫and seeing a ۳.۴ million dollar house.
‫What do you think؟
‫- I should work in television. ‫- It's good, right؟
‫It's really good.
‫But does a single guy like you ‫need this much space؟
‫probably not. ‫But come on, it looks good.
‫so did he.
‫In the south American's living room, ‫my Brazilian made me kiss him.
‫Wait till you see the hot tub.
‫- We should check out the hot tub. ‫- Okey-dokey.
‫I'll have the omelet with no cheese, ‫but tomatoes and mushrooms.
‫Instead of the fries a side of fruit ‫with no grapes, and a half decaf skim.
‫You should get ‫the mushrooms steamed.
‫It lightens the calories ‫but retains the flavor.
‫Great, thanks.
‫- I really like LA. ‫- Who wouldn't؟
‫Keith wants a $۳ million house ‫and I can't afford new curtains.
‫That's where the guys here have ‫New York men beat - real estate.
‫- Lew may be the perfect guy. ‫- Letterman Lew؟
‫Yeah. He's an ideal combination ‫of the two coasts.
‫He's a New Yorker at heart, but he's ‫lost all his neuroses and ۳۰ pounds.
‫We're New Yorkers. Aren't we ‫supposed to like neurotic guys؟
‫The Woody Allen thing is so over.
‫He's a changed man. ‫He's spiritual and happy.
‫- He met the Dalai Lama. ‫- I met Hugh Hefner.
‫One woman's pornographer ‫is another woman's spiritual leader.
‫Maybe he's on to something. ‫Maybe it's time I stopped being angry.
‫- How would you spend your time؟ ‫- I'll tell you what you could do.
‫- shop. ‫- Jesus!
‫- No, you didn't! ‫- That's like $۳,۰۰۰.
‫Or ۱۵۰. Fake.
‫- No. ‫- It looks so real.
‫- I know. ‫- Give me that.
‫You'd never know it wasn't real ‫unless you looked at the lining.
‫I don't have that luxury. ‫All my insides are on the outside now.
‫- I don't like fakes. ‫- All that matters is what it looks like.
‫It's good.
‫We could get more. I got the guy's ‫card. He lives in the "valley".
‫- Could you have more condoms؟ ‫- I did.
‫I am so happy ‫to be out of that condom stage of life.
‫I thought it was called "my thirties".
‫It's nice to go to bed ‫with the same man every night.
‫Tell me you didn't come to LA to ‫tell us how much sex you're having.
‫Charlotte couldn't tell them her ‫conjugal bliss was a conjugal miss.
‫What should I do first in LA؟
‫The first thing you'll need is ‫a good bikini wax.
‫You should try Alicia.
‫That night, after hours of pool time, ‫I realized something startling.
‫I was actually starting to like LA.
‫New Yorkers are trained ‫to hate Los Angeles,
‫where, supposedly, ‫intellect is ridiculed
‫and who you date ‫and what you look like is revered.
‫Yet, we were ‫having the time of our lives.
‫The men were happy, the homes ‫were huge, the bags looked great.
‫Maybe that was enough. ‫The weather moves from west to east.
‫Was it a just matter of time before ‫the truth blew across Manhattan؟
‫When it comes to ‫bags, men and cities,
‫is it really what's outside that counts؟
‫The next day, samantha and I ‫went to the valley for Fendi bags.
‫This is it, ۴۵۳۸۶.
‫- Is that an address or a zip code؟ ‫- I don't know.
‫I miss Lorenzo Lamas' ‫neighborhood.
‫- My God. ‫- Oh, there he is.
‫We had found it. Fake Fendi paradise.
‫He should work on his display area.
‫seven for ۱,۰۰۰. You like؟
‫I should have liked them. But staring ‫into the trunk, they didn't look elegant.
‫They looked cheap. Even if ‫everyone else thought it was real,
‫I'd always know, my bag came ‫from a trunk deep in the valley.
‫You know what؟ I don't think so.
‫- You don't want a bag now؟ ‫- sorry. They're very nice. It's just...
‫please, don't smoke near the bags.
‫We drove for two hours in the valley...
‫That's it. I'm going back to the hotel.
‫They looked so sad ‫staring up at me from that trunk.
‫They were waiting to be adopted.
‫I was almost eaten by dogs. The least ‫you could've done was buy a bag.
‫It's better to wait for the real thing. ‫Then at least you know it's special.
‫- My marriage is a fake Fendi. ‫- Excuse me؟
‫Trey and I look like ‫the perfect couple from the outside,
‫but on the inside it's all fake. ‫It's not special.
‫- He can't get it up. ‫- What؟
‫- We've never had sex. ‫- You've never had sex؟
‫- You've been married for... ‫-... over a month.
‫- You've never had sex؟ ‫- It's not physical, it's emotional.
‫- You knew about this؟ ‫- she told me at the wedding.
‫You'd just say you'd told me so and ‫I shouldn't have married so quickly.
‫Who am I to judge you؟ ‫We all have our own paths in life.
‫Three days with Lew ‫had changed Miranda
‫from deeply sarcastic ‫to Deepak Chopra.
‫- What am I gonna do؟ ‫- You've never had sex؟
‫- she's never had sex. ‫- It's only been a month.
‫- He hasn't seen Brazil. ‫- A honeymoon to south America.
‫- That might do the trick. ‫- I know how to cheer you up.
‫A trip to the playboy mansion.
‫Hef invited us for one of those ‫playmate pool parties.
‫Did you say, "Hef"؟
‫Why would that cheer her up؟ ‫Does she look like a frat boy؟
‫No, but it wouldn't hurt to meet some.
‫- sorry, not going. ‫- Come on, it would be fun.
‫We're in LA.
‫All right, fine, ‫but I better be on the guest list.
‫Later that night, I was a guest ‫at Keith's amazing house.
‫He made sizzling scallops, and ‫after dinner things got even hotter.
‫I like hot tubs. NewYork should have ‫more hot tubs like on roofs and stuff.
‫Well, if you like that...
‫While I was going native with Keith, ‫Miranda and Lew went to New York.
‫At least to the New York strip steak.
‫- This looks great. ‫- God, do I miss this smell!
‫so, you were saying؟
‫Read "zen And The Art ‫Of Modern Living".
‫I'm still trying ‫to get used to bath beans.
‫- You are so New York. ‫- Come on, don't you miss it؟
‫- Just a little؟ ‫- No, I write about it every day.
‫That's not New York, ‫it's a sound stage.
‫۲۰-somethings with tiny salaries don't ‫live in soHo lofts. It's totally fake.
‫۴۰ million viewers ‫would disagree with you on that one.
‫- Is something wrong with your steak؟ ‫- No, it's great.
‫- What are you doing؟ ‫- I'm tasting my food.
‫- Why aren't you swallowing it؟ ‫- You think I look this good by eating؟
‫Lew hadn't found inner peace, ‫he'd found an eating disorder.
‫- Are you serious؟ ‫- Don't put your toxic shit on me.
‫This is LA. You have no idea ‫what pressure I'm under.
‫Who cares what you look like. ‫You're a writer.
‫For a hit show. ‫No one wants to hire a fat story editor.
‫Miranda wanted ‫to rip that Knicks hat off his head.
‫No self-respecting New Yorker ‫would spit out that good a steak.
‫Jesus fucking Christ. ‫Now I've lost my appetite.
‫Waking up in Keith's sun-filled ‫bedroom, I felt like ۳.۴ million myself.
‫I like what you have ‫going on down there.
‫- That would be a whole lot of nothing. ‫- Yeah.
‫- Don't you work؟ ‫- I don't have anything till eleven.
‫- Nice life. ‫- Yeah.
‫What the fuck ‫do you think you're doing؟
‫I told you, no prostitutes ‫when you're house-sitting.
‫- You're a house-sitter؟ ‫- personal assistant.
‫- I thought you were an agent. ‫- My agent won't water my plants.
‫The life I was coveting wasn't Keith's, ‫it was Carrie Fisher's.
‫- You're so fired. Wait till I tell penny. ‫- Am I going to have to return her car؟
‫And penny Marshall's.
‫I'm going to...
‫- You might need these. ‫- Thank you.
‫Are you going to bring prostitutes ‫to Ben's new $۳ million home؟
‫And Ben Affleck's.
‫I'm not a prostitute. ‫I'm carrie Bradshaw.
‫I'm a writer too. ‫I have a column in New York.
‫I'm Carrie, you're Carrie. ‫I write, you write.
‫I have a child. I really can't do this.
‫Have you been smoking in here؟
‫This was always on.
‫The dry-cleaning and the cat food, ‫that's all done.
‫It was the perfect ending ‫- to my week of make-believe
‫a visit to the playboy mansion ‫and the playmate pool party.
‫- Could our lives get any weirder؟ ‫- Nothing surprises me any more.
‫In LA, house-sitters are somebodies ‫and writers are prostitutes.
‫- You're at least a high-class escort. ‫- Thank you.
‫- Fuck Carrie Fisher! ‫- Now we're angry again؟
‫- Yeah. ‫- I blame the wax.
‫That's it. Blame it on Rio.
‫After the sun went down, ‫the party really started heating up.
‫Where are the girls in the satin outfits ‫and the Bunny ears؟
‫Yeah, I want to see some Bunny ears.
‫somewhere between ‫the Italian grotto and the petting zoo,
‫Charlotte found something real. ‫His name was Ian.
‫- so I started collecting Hockney. ‫- I love Hockney.
‫The colors in his pool series ‫are so LA.
‫The blues and those deep greens.
‫God, it is such a pleasure talking ‫to an intelligent woman for once.
‫I love talking to you too.
‫It's nice to be with a man who talks. ‫I love LA.
‫I guess that third welcome drink ‫has finally kicked in؟
‫This is bad of me. ‫Is this bad of me؟ I'm drunk.
‫I'm lying here ‫with a man I hardly know.
‫It's the playboy mansion. ‫Things could be worse.
‫- You're nice, Ian. You're really nice. ‫- You're nice too.
‫- Let me buy you some boobs. ‫- pardon me؟
‫- It's a gift. ‫- I don't need any breasts.
‫Charlotte had forgotten ‫how awful single life could be.
‫Marriage, with all its problems, ‫wasn't looking so bad.
‫- someone stole my fake Fendi. ‫- Are you sure؟
‫I put it beside me. ‫When I got up, it was gone.
‫Oh my God, that Bunny's got my bag.
‫Give me my bag.
‫- You stole my bag. ‫- This is my bag.
‫- Are we having a problem؟ ‫- Yes. This Bunny stole my bag.
‫- It's my bag. ‫- she says it's her bag.
‫Look on the inside. ‫A label that says "Made in China"
‫and there's a bunch ‫of condoms in there.
‫Fendi.
‫samantha was mortified. she thought ‫everything on the Bunny was fake.
‫OK then. Innocent mistake.
‫Apparently, one nod from Hef, ‫and the pool party was over.
‫- I'm not leaving without my friends. ‫- I'm so sorry.
‫The fake Fendi ended up ‫costing ۱۵۰ for the bag,
‫۲,۰۰۰ in stolen credit cards, and ‫unspecified costs to samantha's ego.
‫And Miranda and I took a wrong turn ‫on the way to the buffet.
‫Look at that - tit soup.
‫It's time to go home.
‫There you are.
‫- We have to leave. ‫- We are.
‫Right now.
‫Relax. We're going, we're going.
‫- What did she do؟ ‫- I don't know.
‫What happened؟ ‫OK. All right.
‫The next day, four New Yorkers ‫left LA a little lighter.
‫some of us had lost our hair, ‫and all of us had lost a little dignity.
‫samantha couldn't wait to get back ‫to the crime-free streets of Manhattan.
‫Miranda couldn't wait ‫to get back to men who swallowed.
‫Charlotte couldn't wait ‫to get back to Trey.
‫And as for me, I couldn't wait.
‫- You can't smoke in here. ‫- Relax, we're going.
‫six hours later, I was home.
‫It looked even better on the inside ‫than I remembered it,
‫because inside it was all real.
‫I was starting to feel like myself again.
‫The rest of me ‫would grow back eventually.