‫۳۱۵ - Hot Child In The City
‫Ifyou live in NewYork for ten years, ‫you can call yourself a New Yorker.
‫But the trained eye can always ‫spot the ones who were born here.
‫I want it all, I want it now, ‫and I want you to get it for me.
‫After firing her last two publicists,
‫Jenny Brier,
‫the daughter of a restaurateur,
‫had decided that Samantha
‫would take over the PR
‫for her upcoming party.
‫I want "Vanity Fair", Carson Daly,
‫"People", "Teen People", NSYNC...
‫Jenny, sweetie. Don't take this ‫the wrong way, but how old are you؟
‫- It's my Bat Mitzvah party. I'm ۱۳. ‫- You're ۱۳؟
‫What are you, ۴۵؟
‫Just like that, the meeting was over.
‫I'm sorry, I don't do kids' parties.
‫Sweetie, my father has invited
‫over ۳۰۰ of his powerful friends.
‫They are not all coming. ‫The Clintons can't make it.
‫I told Daddy we'll be lucky ‫if we can swing this for under a mill.
‫But what do I know؟ I'm just a kid.
‫We'll never get NSYNC.
‫After meeting her new client, ‫Samantha met us
‫- for the latest trend in power lunching
‫haute cafeteria cuisine.
‫Coming in for a landing, sister؟
‫Cute guy. Thought he was ‫checking me out for a second.
‫Where؟
‫Don't turn...
‫- He's a cutie all right. ‫- Definitely looking.
‫Looking at you looking at him, ‫like I asked you not to.
‫- Take your tray over there. ‫- No.
‫Why not؟
‫This isn't PS ۱۴۷, ‫we're adults now. She's married.
‫We have to at least pretend ‫to know better.
‫- I saw a doctor about my headaches. ‫- Still looking.
‫Which you're not helping.
‫I've been trying ‫to diagnose myself on the Internet.
‫You can do that؟
‫Type in your symptoms and ‫wait for the word "cancer" to appear.
‫Anyway, turns out ‫I'm a tongue-thruster.
‫If you were a man, ‫that would be a good thing.
‫My tongue pushes against my teeth, ‫so my bite is all off.
‫- My dentist thinks I have TMJ. ‫- You have to do something.
‫- I'm going to the orthodontist. ‫- No, I mean he's really cute.
‫- She could write him a note. ‫- Even cuter.
‫Guys, I'm not writing him a note.
‫- Dear Mr. Cutie-Cute... ‫- You did not write that.
‫- Just your phone number. ‫- I'm not giving him my number.
‫Relax, TMJ. You don't have to.
‫- I'll do it for you. ‫- Carrie.
‫- Go, girl. ‫- Oh, my God.
‫Hi. I'm sorry to bother you, ‫but my friend Miranda over there...
‫- Oh, my God. ‫- She thinks you're cute.
‫Please tell your friend Miranda ‫to call me.
‫On the way home, ‫I decided to brave the afternoon heat
‫to see if my shoe repair guy ‫could do anything about my old soles.
‫But when I got there, ‫there was no "there" there.
‫- What happened to Artie؟ ‫- Artie؟
‫My guy, my shoe guy. ‫He fixed these the last time.
‫He moved back to Williamsburg. ‫Brooklyn, not Colonial.
‫He couldn't afford the place ‫once they destabilized the rent.
‫If the comic business keeps going ‫the way it is, I won't be able to either.
‫- Comics aren't selling, huh؟ ‫- No, especially mine.
‫Power Lad, by Wade Adams.
‫Is this you؟ Did you drawthis؟
‫What's so powerful about him؟
‫He's a superhero, or he wants to be. ‫His parents were superheroes.
‫He's trying to find his super-powers. ‫They haven't kicked in yet.
‫It's stupid. ‫What do you do؟
‫- I'm a writer. ‫- That's cool. What do you write؟
‫Turn to page seven ‫of your newspaper.
‫Yes, I thought you looked familiar.
‫- Would you like to write comics؟ ‫- Aren't they a boy thing؟
‫- No! There are women superheroes ‫Batgirl, Supergirl, Black Canary...
‫You've heard ofWonder Woman.
‫With the bracelets and the tiara.
‫I used to love that even ‫her accessories had super-powers.
‫Oh, man.
‫What's wrong with them؟
‫To them, you are Wonder Woman.
‫- All right, stop. I'll buy some. ‫- All right.
‫I never did get my shoes fixed. ‫But the next week, I got new boots.
‫I don't know what came over me, ‫but I felt compelled to thank him.
‫Even as a superhero, ‫I was powerless to resist.
‫That evening, inspired by ‫Miranda's digital diagnosis,
‫Charlotte went surfing
‫for a cure for Trey's condition.
‫There it was, ‫in both the on- and off-positions.
‫$۸,۰۰۰ worth of hydraulics that ‫could turn Trey into the Bionic Man.
‫Ordinarily, this was something
‫Charlotte would shy away from,
‫but since her marriage was shy ‫of wood...
‫That night, I met Wade Adams ‫alias Power Lad at Bar Code,
‫a Times Square bar that specialized ‫in real drinks and virtual reality.
‫I can't believe this place, ‫it's like ten bucks a game.
‫Yeah, but games come with beer.
‫They want you to play ‫half as well and twice as much.
‫- Sounds good to me. What will it be ‫Bloodburst or Terrorfright ll؟
‫Whatever happened ‫to Frogger and Miss Pacman؟
‫- She got married. ‫- No! To Pacman؟
‫Good for them. ‫Man, where have I been؟
‫I don't know, ‫but wanna go to Mars؟
‫- For ten bucks؟ It's a bargain. ‫- Let's go.
‫Without leaving the building,
‫Power Lad took me ‫to the furthest reaches of the galaxy
‫and right back to seventh grade.
‫- There we go. ‫- Oh, God.
‫It was maddening.
‫Bram and Pippin liked the '۷۸ Lafite, ‫which was entirely acceptable.
‫The implant's on/off-switch ‫had Charlotte thinking about Trey's.
‫She was desperate to turn his on, ‫but didn't know where to find it.
‫The joke was on him. ‫We ordered both.
‫Howwas your day؟
‫I went to the gallery in the morning ‫and the framer's in the afternoon.
‫Then I found this on the Internet. See؟
‫What on earth is this؟ ‫What are you getting at؟
‫Just that...
‫We've tried everything else ‫and we still...
‫You haven't... in my... ever...
‫So I thought...
‫You can't be serious.
‫What other options do we have؟
‫Five beers, four video games, ‫۱۰۲ degrees outside later...
‫- You gotta be kidding. ‫- What؟ This is fun.
‫It's cheaper than taking cabs. ‫Besides, all the kids got them.
‫- Wanna try it؟ ‫- It's too hot to scoot.
‫Let's go to my place. I have a great ‫view. The breeze is even better.
‫I'm not the kind of girl who scoots ‫to a guy's terrace on the first date.
‫I respect that.
‫- I have central air. ‫- Give me that scooter.
‫- Ever been on one؟ ‫- No.
‫- That's great. ‫- Thank you.
‫I'm scooting in heels.
‫You said you had a view, ‫not the view.
‫- And this breeze ‫it's like there's different air up here.
‫- How do you have all this؟ ‫- Why don't I get us some beers؟
‫Then we can talk ‫adventures and real estate.
‫How was it possible ‫that mild-mannered Power Lad
‫had a classic six on the Upper ‫East Side with a view of the park؟
‫Was he Power Lad by day ‫and a millionaire playboy by night؟
‫Hello؟
‫You scared me.
‫- I heard voices outside and... ‫- You're up.
‫- Did we wake you؟ ‫- I'm always keeping the watch.
‫Did you meet Carrie؟
‫Carrie, I'd like you to meet my mother.
‫- Hello. It's a beautiful night, isn't it؟ ‫- Yeah.
‫I'm off to bed.
‫You two have fun.
‫But don't stay up too late, dear. ‫Good night.
‫- Night. ‫- It's lovely to meet you.
‫Lovely to meet you too, Mrs. Adams.
‫- He lives with his parents؟ ‫- It's their apartment.
‫The next day at Commune, ‫daddy Brier's latest restaurant,
‫I asked Samantha ‫about my prospects with Power Lad.
‫Not sexy. Dump him immediately. ‫Use my cell phone.
‫He put his money ‫in the comic book store.
‫- Still not sexy. What's his number؟ ‫- He's saving up for his own place.
‫You know howtough the market is. ‫Plus he's fun and funny.
‫Stop while you're still sexy.
‫There's no way you'd go out with ‫a guy who lived with his family؟
‫Maybe Prince William.
‫I'm sorry I'm late.
‫This happens to tongue-thrusters.
‫I have to wear them for a year. ‫Am I hideous؟
‫No. Hey, no. ‫No, they don't look so bad.
‫- Do you mean it؟ ‫- I'm sticking to my story.
‫Are you in pain؟ ‫I'm in pain looking at you.
‫I'm a ۳۴-year-old with braces, ‫and I'm on a liquid diet.
‫Pain doesn't begin to cover it.
‫- Look, lunch. ‫- We didn't order champagne.
‫- Compliments of Jenny Brier. ‫- You get the nicest compliments.
‫A ۱۳-year-old girl just bought us ‫a $۲۰۰ bottle of Dom Perignon؟
‫Do you knowwhat I was buying ‫when I was ۱۳؟ Nothing.
‫I couldn't afford anything. ‫I served Dilly Bars at Dairy Queen.
‫Where is she؟ ‫Where is that Brat Mitzvah beast؟
‫- Is everything fabulous؟ ‫- Yes. I didn't knowyou were here.
‫You know Carrie Bradshaw؟ ‫You are fucking fabulous.
‫- Your column about secret sex ‫hello, my life.
‫Seriously. My ex was so completely ‫about the sex when we were alone,
‫but at school, I didn't exist.
‫- They're all like that. ‫- Or worse. Men suck.
‫What؟
‫I'm sorry, are your braces blue؟
‫No, they're sapphire. ‫Oh my God! Look!
‫You have the old-fashioned kind. ‫I didn't knowthey still made those.
‫I'll be there. We have to dash. ‫Enjoy your meal, ladies.
‫You are so fucking fabulous.
‫Her braces are sapphire. ‫I'm a ۳۴-year-old nerd.
‫- How old are they؟ ‫- ۱۳.
‫- They sound... ‫- I know.
‫- They're dressed... ‫- I know.
‫Just like us.
‫Were Jenny Brier and her friends ‫dressed like ۳۰-something-year-olds,
‫or were we trying ‫to look like teenagers؟
‫One was sending Dom Perignon, ‫another was touring on a scooter.
‫When you're a teenager, ‫all you want to do is buy beer.
‫Once you hit ۳۰, ‫all you want to do is get carded.
‫I wondered, ‫in today's youth obsessed culture,
‫are the women of my generation ‫growing into responsible adults,
‫or are we ۳۴ going on ۱۳؟
‫After a week ‫of self-imposed seclusion,
‫Miranda felt strong enough ‫for solid food and table service
‫with Lance Bloom, ‫a senior editor at Knopf.
‫I started out wanting to be a writer,
‫but it's a solitary life. ‫I'm more interested in collaborating.
‫What are you working on now؟
‫You have a little...
‫I just got these. They're going to ‫take some getting used to.
‫Oh my God.
‫What's it like to kiss somebody ‫with those things؟
‫The doctor said it should be fine.
‫But a blow job is ‫out of the question, right؟
‫I was kidding. ‫That was a joke. I'm sorry.
‫He didn't want your hardware ‫getting too close to his software.
‫It's everybody.
‫I can't open my mouth without ‫the world thinking I'm a freak.
‫It's like I'm back in Junior High. I was ‫lucky I got out alive the first time.
‫Think of it as mouth jewelry. ‫Your tooth bracelet.
‫I'm never dating again.
‫You are. If the guy's worth dating ‫he won't care about your braces.
‫That was so After-School Special ‫of you.
‫In the After-School Special, ‫you'd see him across the cafeteria.
‫He'd smile, and he'd have braces too.
‫But the sick thing is, I would never ‫date a guy with braces. Even now.
‫Are you kidding me؟ ‫Don't you think that's childish؟
‫- More lemonade, Carrie؟ ‫- Yes, please, Mrs. Adams.
‫How about some nice, ‫homemade Toll House cookies؟
‫Yes, please, Mrs. Adams.
‫On closer inspection, ‫living with the parents wasn't so bad.
‫It was like having servants ‫you didn't have to pay.
‫Oh, and Carrie, ‫can you stay for dinner؟
‫Faced with having hydraulic ‫cylinders placed in his shaft,
‫Trey decided to pursue ‫the less physically demanding option
‫of counseling with a therapist ‫he'd found through his college alumni.
‫I sense you're both having difficulty ‫verbalizing your sexual issues.
‫With some clients it often helps
‫to create your own non-threatening ‫language with which to talk about sex.
‫I'm not sure that I understand.
‫One client rather whimsically dubbed ‫his anus The Chocolate Starfish.
‫Are you sure you went to Yale؟
‫Charlotte, if you could ‫rename your vagina,
‫something non-sexual, something that ‫didn't feel threatening to you or Trey,
‫what would you call it؟
‫Rebecca.
‫Rebecca؟ Why on earth would you...
‫It sounds nice, ‫and I've always liked the name.
‫Now you name yours.
‫- This is preposterous. ‫- Something positive.
‫Trey loves to sail. Don't you, Trey؟
‫I do love to sail.
‫How about something like Canoe؟
‫Canoe؟
‫- Canoe doesn't go with Rebecca. ‫- What then؟
‫How about...
‫-... Schooner. ‫- Schooner's good.
‫Rebecca and Schooner. ‫Schooner's good, isn't it؟
‫It's very good. ‫This is a wonderful beginning.
‫There's still a lot of work ahead, ‫some here and some at home.
‫Tonight, as homework,
‫I want you to lie down together, ‫side by side, without touching,
‫and share a sexual fantasy.
‫I'm a fairy princess in a forest.
‫I'm riding on a unicorn.
‫Suddenly I see a pirate in buckskins.
‫A prince in disguise.
‫That's when you pull me ‫off my unicorn.
‫You tear away ‫my gossamer petticoats,
‫and you put your Schooner ‫deep inside my Rebecca.
‫Nowyou. Where are you؟
‫I'm in hell.
‫I'm sorry, Charlotte. I can't do this.
‫- I'm a respected surgeon. I can't. ‫- Yes, you can. I knowyou can.
‫We've dealt with this for weeks. ‫I'm not that sexual a person.
‫But we love each other and...
‫we're married now.
‫Rebecca and Schooner ‫belong together.
‫They need each other. Please.
‫You are a fairy princess.
‫I don't deserve you. I'm sorry.
‫I'm sorry.
‫That night, Wade and I ‫had our first sleep-over, at my place.
‫I finally figured out what made ‫Power Lad so powerful.
‫He had the soul of a teenage boy ‫in the body of a very grown-up man.
‫The machine will get it.
‫'Hi. Leave a message. '
‫'Hi, Carrie. ‫This is Mrs. Adams, Wade's mother.
‫'How are you؟'
‫- Oh, my God. ‫- 'Sorry to bother you. '
‫'We never heard from Wade about ‫whether he fed the dog his medicine.
‫'Wade's father ‫was just about to give it to the dog,
‫'but if he's already had it, ‫that would be bad.
‫'If you speak to Wade, please tell him,
‫'I won't go to bed ‫until I hear from him. '
‫Yes, Mom, ‫I gave the dog his medicine.
‫No, Mom, I'm not mad, I just...
‫I told you not to call me here.
‫Don't call me here.
‫I love you, too.
‫- She wants to talk to you. ‫- What؟
‫Hi, Mrs. Adams. How are you؟
‫Several blocks south, ‫- Charlotte's night was interrupted too
‫by odd noises coming ‫from her bathroom.
‫Charlotte felt terrible. ‫She hadn't meant to make Trey cry.
‫Honey؟
‫- He said he wasn't a sexual person. ‫- It wasn't sexual.
‫It was tension release. ‫It helps me sleep.
‫I understand. ‫This may be difficult, Trey,
‫but I want you to tell me specifically ‫which magazine you were using.
‫"Juggs".
‫All right. We can try and see this ‫as a positive thing.
‫How؟ How is this a positive thing؟
‫Trey was masturbating to Juggs. ‫At least we know he isn't gay.
‫Excuse me, ‫what exactly is the problem here؟
‫It was tension release, ‫it had nothing to do with my wife.
‫Interesting choice of words, Trey.
‫Maybe that's the problem.
‫We have to find a way to integrate ‫your wife into your sexual routine.
‫How are we supposed to do that؟
‫Charlotte had no idea.
‫She wished they were ۱۳, before sex ‫had made everything so complicated.
‫When holding hands and a kiss ‫would have been all she needed.
‫To pierce the corporate veil, ‫- the courts look at five factors
‫whether the subsidiary ‫is wholly-owned or...
‫The ۱۳-year-old girl inside Miranda ‫wanted to disappear,
‫but the ۳۴-year-old partner in this firm ‫decided she wasn't going anywhere.
‫You think I'm funny؟ You think ‫it's hilarious that I have braces؟
‫Let's take a moment ‫and have a good laugh.
‫Let's get it out of our systems ‫so we can work like adults.
‫We were laughing ‫at the typo on page three.
‫Miranda decided that TMJ was less ‫painful than a second adolescence.
‫The next day, ‫she had her braces removed
‫and resumed her life ‫as a ۳۴-year-old tongue-thruster.
‫Trey resumed his own brand ‫of thrusting
‫and discovered that tension release ‫could be a turn-on.
‫Charlotte discovered a way ‫to include herself in Trey's sex life.
‫And she figured out what to do with ‫those proofs not suitable for framing.
‫The following weekend ‫at the Brier Bar Mitzvah party...
‫I'm not sure if I have your name. ‫Let's see, Goldman, Goldstein...
‫I don't see it.
‫I'm sure I'm on the list.
‫I can't believe you still have ‫actual albums.
‫Oh my God, Styx. I love Styx.
‫- I had this album. ‫- I loved "Renegade". Hated "Babe".
‫- How do you have this؟ ‫- Are you kidding؟ This is a classic.
‫This song is me driving my parents' ‫Oldsmobile without them knowing.
‫- You knowwhat would go with this؟ ‫- Roller skates؟
‫No.
‫Canadian super grass.
‫Six times stronger than pot ‫and ۴۰۰ bucks an ounce.
‫It was obvious Wade was in no hurry ‫to save up for his own apartment.
‫- And what is that؟ ‫- My bong. I made it.
‫- At Camp Takatoka. ‫- I'm sorry, Camp Takatoka؟
‫I hadn't smoked pot out of a bong ‫since my eighth-grade boyfriend
‫made one out of tin foil, a BIC pen, ‫and a bottle of Pepsi Light.
‫I didn't even know ‫if I'd remember how.
‫Turns out it was like riding a bike... ‫a ten speed.
‫Back at the Bar Mitzvah bash,
‫Samantha heard some girl-talk ‫not suitable for little ladies.
‫I'm gonna fuck at least three of those ‫NSYNC guys after the after party.
‫The other two are gay.
‫I'd fuck them and their gay boyfriends.
‫Aren't you a little young ‫for that kind of talk؟
‫I'm serious. You have ‫your whole lives to talk that way.
‫Enjoy being children, at least ‫until you turn ۱۵, and start having sex.
‫- I've given blow jobs since twelve. ‫- Really؟
‫- It's the only way guys will like you. ‫- That isn't true.
‫Talk to the hand, grandma.
‫Samantha had resented Jenny Brier ‫because of everything she had.
‫But then she realized, ‫she'd had something
‫- that no amount of money could buy ‫a childhood.
‫Suddenly, the Dairy Queen ‫wasn't looking so bad.
‫I'm thirsty.
‫There's bong water.
‫Bong water!
‫Hold this.
‫What are you doing؟ That's wet.
‫Attack of the spicy chicken wings.
‫Shit!
‫That looks like my parents' car.
‫Oh, shit.
‫- Shit, shit, shit. ‫- It's OK.
‫My parents said, ‫if they caught me smoking pot again,
‫- I'd have to sleep in the store. ‫- Wait.
‫What؟
‫If they see billions of chicken wings,
‫they're gonna know...
‫we've been smoking pot....
‫Fuck the chicken wings. ‫Where did we put the fucking pot؟
‫You're home. Early.
‫Is that marijuana I smell؟
‫- No, ma'am. ‫- God, no.
‫Then what is this؟
‫We told you, if you ever brought ‫marijuana into this house again...
‫Carrie brought it.
‫I couldn't believe it. Power Lad ‫would never have ratted me out.
‫Is that true, Carrie؟ Did you ‫bring marijuana into this house؟
‫There comes a time when you have to ‫take responsibility for yourself.
‫A time when I, like Jenny Brier, ‫had to stand up and say to the world,
‫"Today, I am a woman. "
‫Yes, Mrs. Adams, I brought ‫the marijuana into the house.
‫And I'm taking it with me when I go.
‫Oh, baby!
‫There she is.
‫In the end, I decided ‫I was definitely ۳۴ going on ۳۵,
‫but in a city like New York ‫with its pace and pressures,
‫sometimes it's important ‫to have a ۱۳-year-old moment,
‫to remember a simpler time when ‫the best thing in life was hanging out,
‫listening to records, and having fun ‫with friends - in your own apartment.