‫۳۱۶ - Frenemies
‫In a city where cynicism ‫is as prevalent as pashmina,
‫there is nothing more hopeful ‫than getting ready for the first date.
‫Will O'Connor ‫was a cute urban planner
‫Miranda had met at Starbucks.
‫He mistook her latte ‫for his double-caff
‫and offered to make it up to her
‫by buying her a drink that Saturday.
‫Samantha preferred the saying ‫good night to the first date routine.
‫His name was Sebastian Wise.
‫For Sam, it was a very good night.
‫Meanwhile, Trey and Charlotte
‫were practicing their new routine.
‫- All righty. Schooner's sails are up. ‫- Yes, I can feel it.
‫All righty, ‫I'm bringing it into the harbor.
‫Bring it in.
‫All right. Here I come.
‫Here I come.
‫Honey؟
‫The wind died. I'm sorry.
‫After a week of the same routine,
‫the only thing getting up ‫in their bed was Charlotte's libido.
‫As for me, my routine ‫had become very routine.
‫I was spending ‫almost every night working.
‫My date is three hours late.
‫I'm being stood up, right؟
‫- Maybe he got lost. ‫- Carrie.
‫Doesn't look good.
‫And I'm wearing a new dress. ‫And I'm eating out of plastic.
‫I'm sorry.
‫The least he could do is ‫get to know me before he rejects me.
‫Yeah, that's illegal dumping.
‫It's crazy. This hasn't happened ‫to me since I'm ۲۷.
‫I should know better. I thought I'd got ‫smarter about picking them now.
‫I can't believe guys still stand girls up.
‫I can't believe ‫I'm eating a frozen dinner.
‫I'm such a cliche. ‫Do you wanna grab a drink؟
‫I can't. I have to work.
‫I agreed to teach ‫these stupid Learning Annex classes.
‫They're calling it ‫"Bright Lights Date City".
‫- I'm so embarrassed for you. ‫- They're paying ۳۰۰ bucks a pop.
‫It's a seminar on where to meet men. ‫Apparently, I'm an expert.
‫- Tell them to steer clear of Starbucks. ‫- Who would pay for this؟
‫Now؟ Maybe me.
‫OK, gotta go. This dress ‫is making a mockery of me.
‫- I'm sorry, sweetie. Bye. ‫- Please. Bye.
‫Stood up at ۲۷, ‫Miranda had done nothing.
‫At ۳۴, she decided she wasn't going ‫to take this stand-up lying down.
‫Will gave her the cold shoulder... ‫and his home number.
‫- Hello؟ ‫- Hi. Is Will there؟
‫- Who's speaking, please؟ ‫- Miranda Hobbes.
‫Miranda, this is Will's mother.
‫Well, Will's mother.
‫I don't know howyou raised your son, ‫but he just stood me up for a date.
‫Will died today.
‫- They're starting to die on us. ‫- Oh, my God.
‫- At least you weren't stood up. ‫- ۳۵ and they're dying.
‫- We should give up now. ‫- It explains why they don't call back.
‫- How did he... ‫- Heart attack at the gym.
‫- This is why I don't work out. ‫- Do you wanna hear the worst part؟
‫I felt so bad, I told his mother ‫I would go to the wake.
‫- You don't even know him. ‫- And she never will.
‫I'm far from being dead. I got us ‫reservations at Samba next week.
‫- Fancy. ‫- I could only get us a four-top.
‫Do you think ‫Trey would mind staying home؟
‫No. He doesn't seem up ‫for much these days.
‫Charlotte, is everything OK؟
‫We've been trying to...
‫Fuck؟
‫Whatever. It's just not...
‫- Getting big and hard؟ ‫- Is this dirty mad libs؟
‫I love him, and he's trying, ‫but this is so frustrating.
‫- Of course it is. ‫- Last night I got so turned on, I...
‫You almost masturbated, he almost ‫got it up - you almost had sex.
‫- Next to him! I feel so ashamed. ‫- Everybody masturbates.
‫- I did it this morning. ‫- That's why I got your voicemail.
‫He masturbates and reads porn. ‫When it comes to me, nothing.
‫- Madonna/whore. ‫- You think؟
‫Trey sees you as his virginal wife, ‫not as sexual plaything.
‫You're not going to get anywhere ‫until you change how he sees you.
‫- I don't know if I can do that. ‫- Yes, you can.
‫You're sexy. He should see you. ‫You're something to see.
‫I soon realized how many desperate ‫New York women there were.
‫I'm flattered that so many of you ‫showed up to hear me talk.
‫The fact is, I have had ‫a lot of experience with men.
‫Some of it good, ‫some of it bad, some of it very ugly.
‫There are ‫two million single men in this city.
‫I have dated about a million of them.
‫All these men ‫are right outside your door.
‫Next time you step out with ‫your shoes and traveling cappuccino,
‫take a look around. ‫Our metropolis is stacked with men.
‫You never knowwho you'll run into. ‫You can turn a corner,
‫and boom - bright lights, date city.
‫Could you be more specific؟
‫Do you mean places to meet men؟
‫Sure.
‫Let's see. Samba.
‫Any sporting... ‫Sports bars - Mickey Mantle's.
‫I've gone there. ‫All the men were married.
‫Really؟
‫Let's see. I once met this fellow ‫on the Hampton Jitney.
‫It turned out he couldn't drive, ‫and he was on a parole program.
‫That's a bad example.
‫Suddenly, I felt like the bad example.
‫Yes, you.
‫- Are you married؟ ‫- No.
‫Yes, you there.
‫- Have you ever been married؟ ‫- No, not that I'm aware of.
‫Yes, you in the back.
‫How old are you؟
‫I'm really not an expert on men. ‫I just write about this stuff.
‫Then why are we paying ‫to hear you talk about it؟
‫Be quiet.
‫She's older than us. ‫We can learn something.
‫The only thing I learned that night ‫was that I should have stayed home.
‫- Can I smoke in here؟ ‫- No.
‫If you stay single long enough, ‫you should get wiser about dating.
‫Which men, where to meet them... ‫But what made us experts؟
‫Wasn't our single status a neon sign ‫that we couldn't get it right؟
‫What if all these years in New York
‫have only made us older, ‫more confused or dead؟
‫Are we getting wiser or just older؟
‫If they'd been holding tomatoes ‫not Louis Vuitton bags, I'd be dead.
‫- Or at least gazpacho. ‫- Do you know there are no free men؟
‫We're at my date's wake, so yes.
‫- They were so hostile. ‫- Fuck 'em.
‫What do I know about men. All I have ‫is a bunch of failed relationships.
‫- And one affair. ‫- Thanks.
‫As if being dead-person adjacent ‫isn't bad enough.
‫I'm supposed to teach another class. ‫What am I going to do؟
‫Hire a bodyguard.
‫This is my first wake.
‫Don't expect a goodie bag.
‫Oh, my God, open casket. ‫I've never seen a dead body before.
‫- Let's get out of here. ‫- We can't. People are looking at us.
‫He's cute.
‫Was.
‫Damn.
‫This would have helped me. A place ‫to meet men - an after wake party.
‫- He had money set aside for this. ‫- It's nice.
‫- "I'm dead. Enjoy the buffet. " ‫- I like him even more now.
‫- He was so organized he had a will. ‫- And attractive friends.
‫- This place is full of men. ‫- Look howfreaked out they look.
‫They know any minute ‫they're out of here.
‫Carrie؟
‫It's me, Jim.
‫Oh, my God.
‫Jim.
‫- Your hair. ‫- I cut it for a real job. I'm an engineer.
‫- On the railroad؟ ‫- Civil.
‫- What happened to the band؟ ‫- Turns out I wasn't talented.
‫Miranda, sorry, this is Jim.
‫- We dated a grillion years ago. ‫- Or eight.
‫Miranda. Nice to meet you.
‫I'd ask if you're having fun, ‫but that seems inappropriate.
‫It is, and we are. Thanks.
‫- You were friends with Will؟ ‫- May he rest.
‫Roommates in college. ‫We were friends, but competitive.
‫We were always ‫fighting it out for everything.
‫He even died first, ‫just to beat me to the punch.
‫- Bad. ‫- But you laughed.
‫- You were the classic frenemies. ‫- Frenemies. Nice word.
‫- I'm a writer. ‫- I know.
‫- I'm a lawyer. ‫- And I'm not drunk enough.
‫- Can I get you anything؟ ‫- Martini.
‫- No. ‫- Don't go anywhere. I'll be back.
‫He's kind of cute.
‫- He's kind of an asshole. ‫- Really؟
‫- Yes, indeedy. ‫- He seems great.
‫That's what I thought ‫when I dated him.
‫When it wasn't working, and ‫I broke up with him, "Hello, asshole. "
‫Snide comments, ‫rumor spreading, the works.
‫But he's so cute.
‫- Incoming. ‫- Outgoing.
‫- Here you go. ‫- Thanks.
‫I would love to chat inappropriately, ‫but I'm due to give a toast.
‫So this is a working wake for you.
‫I'd love to get together ‫with you sometime.
‫Here's my card. My e-mail address ‫is on the back, and my cell.
‫Will's death had turned Miranda ‫- into my target audience
‫a desperate woman.
‫Downtown, ‫Samantha was getting wise,
‫Sebastian Wise, again.
‫While, uptown, ‫Charlotte was getting nothing at all.
‫- We almost broke the bed. ‫- You can't break a bed.
‫- What does this stallion do؟ ‫- I'm not sure.
‫- Does he go to Mickey Mantle's؟ ‫- You got me.
‫How can you not know؟ ‫You slept with him.
‫I fucked him. ‫He made me come six times.
‫It's good enough for me.
‫Stop it.
‫Why do you always ‫talk about sex like that؟
‫Because I can.
‫Simmer down, ‫mommy hasn't had her caffeine yet.
‫I can't take this any more.
‫Frittata.
‫Sex is something special between ‫two people who love each other.
‫- Or two people who love sex. ‫- You're such a...
‫A what؟ What am I؟
‫You can't just sleep ‫with everything that comes along.
‫Hey, Mrs. Softie, ‫at least I'm getting laid.
‫You can forget Samba.
‫She needs the stick out of her ass ‫and a dick in her coochie pronto.
‫- Not getting involved. ‫- I'm with her.
‫You knowwhat؟ I don't need this.
‫Maybe you should forget Samba too.
‫- We knewthis was coming. ‫- It's so sad and petty.
‫- I'm staying way out of this one. ‫- Way out. New Jersey out.
‫Speaking of petty, how upset ‫would you be if I went out with Jim؟
‫- Jim, Old Boyfriend Jim؟ ‫- He called me.
‫Miranda, no. ‫He needs to be voted off the island.
‫I know how you feel, ‫but he was so sweet on the phone.
‫It was eight years ago. ‫Maybe he's learned something.
‫- Haven't you learned anything؟ ‫- Apparently not.
‫He's alive and he asked me out. ‫I'm fragile right now.
‫Fine, go.
‫One woman's asshole ‫is another woman's...
‫A-hole.
‫As long as you're OK with it.
‫Later that week, ‫Charlotte decided
‫for Trey to see the sexual part of her, ‫she'd have to dress the part.
‫I'm going to get him to notice me. ‫I have to.
‫That's a bottom.
‫If you're going to go the lingerie route,
‫why not go a little more ‫upscale and less flammable؟
‫I don't wanna be me. ‫I wanna be someone else.
‫- That equals a healthy relationship. ‫- What do these say؟
‫Read my lips.
‫I want to be call girl ‫meets Park Avenue.
‫Then you have to pair that ‫with a cardigan.
‫This is important to me. ‫I need him to see me sexually.
‫I knowyou do. ‫I'm just not sure I need to.
‫This is much more a Samantha job.
‫Please. I need a break from her.
‫You shouldn't be so hard on her. ‫She doesn't mean to be hurtful.
‫She was.
‫There were two of you ‫ruining my breakfast.
‫I have enough problems right now. ‫I don't need any lectures.
‫It was my second lecture that week ‫that was a failure.
‫Across town, Samantha decided ‫the wise thing to do was
‫to take a break from all of us ‫and go shopping.
‫- I'm sorry. ‫- Let it go, no one gets hurt.
‫- I was holding it first. ‫- I know Tae Kwon Do.
‫I knowthe manager.
‫You're spunky. I like spunky women.
‫- We're a dying breed. ‫- No kiddin'.
‫I'm Claire Anne. ‫Don't let the southern accent fool you.
‫I'm Samantha. Nothing fools me.
‫I'll let you have this scarf
‫if you show me where a girl can get ‫a hard drink in a dark bar around here.
‫Done and done.
‫My last date died. The fact that you're ‫still breathing makes this a success.
‫Low standards. I like that.
‫- This was really nice. ‫- Yeah, it was.
‫Carrie wasn't sure ‫that we would get along.
‫She knew me a long time ago. ‫I've changed.
‫Back then, I was in a band ‫called Uncle Ted's Ass.
‫- And I could sit on my hair. ‫- That's impressive.
‫You didn't hear us play.
‫- I'd like to see you again. ‫- I'd like that.
‫- Night. ‫- Night.
‫The next morning, Miranda called with ‫the post mortem on her date with Jim.
‫- Hello؟ ‫- It's me.
‫I thought it was the Learning Annex ‫bugging me about my class.
‫- When's that؟ ‫- ۱۲th of Never Gonna Happen.
‫People asked for refunds ‫after my first class.
‫- What do they know؟ ‫- More than I do.
‫I feel like a total sham.
‫Easy. That's my friend ‫you're talking about.
‫- I went out with Jim. ‫- Don't make me say, "I told you so. "
‫It was great. ‫He was fun and romantic.
‫We talked till the restaurant closed. ‫You're wrong about him.
‫- 'This could be good. ' ‫- Are we talking about Asshole Jim؟
‫- He's not an asshole. ‫- Not till you break up with him.
‫- He says great things about you. ‫- He does؟
‫- I'm going out with him on Friday. ‫- Go, God's speed.
‫I feel weird dating a guy ‫that you don't like.
‫We should all go out ‫have a drink sometime. One drink.
‫What do you know about this guy؟ ‫You've been on one date.
‫What do you know؟ It's been ‫eight years. Think about the drink.
‫Charlotte decided this would be ‫a good time to spend with old friends,
‫the sisters of Kappa Kappa Gamma.
‫Oh, my goodness. ‫Has it been forever or what؟
‫- It has. ‫- Charlotte, we've really missed you.
‫And I have missed you. ‫You have no idea.
‫Congratulations on your wedding. ‫Welcome to the married old girls club.
‫He is so handsome.
‫I would like to trade ‫my husband in for him, please.
‫They would understand her. ‫After all, they were married too.
‫I remember being a newly-wed. ‫We hardly ever got out of bed.
‫- Sydney. ‫- What؟ It's just us girls.
‫My husband can't get it up.
‫It would have been wiser to have ‫a cappuccino instead of a third drink.
‫- I'm so frustrated. ‫- Charlotte؟
‫Don't you ever ‫just want to be pounded hard؟
‫Like when the bed is moving ‫all around, and it's all sweaty,
‫your head is knocking the headboard ‫and you feel it might blow off؟
‫Dammit, I just really want ‫to be fucked. Just really fucked.
‫The only heads blowing off ‫were those of Kappa Kappa Grandma.
‫- This is really inappropriate. ‫- Yeah, we're eating.
‫- What's wrong with you؟ You're a... ‫- What؟ What am I؟
‫Charlotte realized how much ‫they'd all changed since college.
‫Her friends had become frenemies.
‫And to them, ‫she had become Samantha.
‫- Here's to newfriends. ‫- And gorgeous New York men.
‫Would you like to join me ‫at Samba on Friday night؟
‫Two hot broads at a hot restaurant. ‫I love it.
‫The reservation is for four.
‫Done and done.
‫Samantha couldn't believe ‫how much fun she was having.
‫She had found a woman who was ‫as open about her sexuality as her.
‫I call the blondes.
‫You are too cute.
‫I could just eat you up.
‫Yes, I could.
‫I'm gonna eat you up.
‫Claire Anne؟
‫- Oh, my God. ‫- Excellent.
‫I'm going.
‫Wait I'll come with you.
‫- You can forget Samba. ‫- Where are you going؟
‫Samantha learned ‫she had a little Charlotte in her.
‫She had a line that could be crossed. ‫Hers was just more to the left.
‫The next night, I agreed ‫to meet Jim and Miranda for drinks.
‫Jim took me to a poetry reading ‫last night.
‫The unpublished works ‫of Robert Lowell.
‫- He wrote his thesis on Lowell. ‫- I didn't knowthat.
‫There's a lot you never knew. ‫Another Chardonnay for the lady.
‫Thank you.
‫I lost track of you, ‫but I always read your column.
‫- It's really good. ‫- Thank you.
‫Maybe I'd been wrong. ‫Jim seemed kind, funny, attentive.
‫- There's a lot of sex in there. ‫- It creeps in.
‫You didn't knowtoo much about sex ‫when we were dating.
‫And still an asshole.
‫- Good to see you. ‫- Don't leave.
‫I was joking. Stay. ‫I have really bad timing.
‫- Did you ever hear his band play؟ ‫- No.
‫- She was busy shopping for shoes. ‫- I do like my shoes.
‫They come in handy ‫when you're walking all over people.
‫- Come on. ‫- I'm reliving happy memories.
‫- Carrie doesn't walk all over people. ‫- She did with me.
‫Maybe that's because ‫you're an asshole.
‫She's the asshole. She never ‫called me once after we broke up.
‫- That's because you're an asshole. ‫- She's the asshole.
‫- She's not. ‫- Thank you.
‫You knowwhat؟ Never call me again.
‫- Are you breaking up with me؟ ‫- Yeah.
‫The fancy lawyer lady is breaking up ‫with me, like I give a shit.
‫Jim hadn't gotten older or wiser.
‫Once dumped, ‫he'd still dumped on everyone.
‫You are such assholes.
‫- OK, say it. ‫- I told you so.
‫- What an asshole. ‫- I told you so.
‫Is it bad that it makes me ‫feel good to say that؟
‫No. I can't believe ‫I fell for that asshole.
‫Your date died. You panicked.
‫You know me too well.
‫There are plenty ‫of other assholes out there.
‫- You think؟ ‫- I know. And I'm an expert.
‫You're such an asshole.
‫Meanwhile, uptown, the Samantha ‫in Charlotte was ready to come out.
‫What in God's name are you wearing؟
‫It's supposed to be sexy.
‫Come on, you're my wife.
‫That's not you. ‫Take it off.
‫Fine.
‫Look at me.
‫This is me.
‫I'm not a madonna, ‫and I'm not a whore.
‫I'm your wife. ‫I'm sexual and I love you.
‫What are you doing؟
‫I'm touching myself.
‫I can... I can see that.
‫Good.
‫Trey؟
‫I think we have a stiff breeze.
‫That night, ‫Trey successfully screwed his wife
‫for a full minute and a half ‫before the wind died.
‫After Charlotte's night of love, ‫she called the one person she knew
‫who would appreciate it the most.
‫Hello؟
‫He fucked me.
‫Honey, that's great. ‫I knew you could do it.
‫- Thanks. ‫- Don't forget Samba Friday night.
‫I'll be there.
‫Did you come؟
‫Having spent time ‫with their frenemies,
‫they forgot they were enemies ‫and went back to being friends.
‫I realized I had become ‫my own worst frenemy.
‫I had let ۳۰۰ desperate women ‫and one asshole convince me
‫that I didn't know anything. ‫I did. I was older and wiser.
‫I decided to keep my second date ‫with the Learning Annex.
‫Unfortunately, ‫my reputation had preceded me.
‫Is this it؟
‫I'm carrie Bradshaw.
‫You've paid good money ‫to find out how to meet men.
‫I don't know a lot about it,
‫but you're not going to ‫meet them in a Learning Annex class.
‫So, grab your bags.
‫Come on, ‫we're not getting any younger.
‫That's right. Just trying ‫to give you your money's worth.
‫I took them to a bar, ‫took my $۳۰۰ and bought them drinks.
‫Anne, the guy over there ‫is checking you out.
‫Twelve o'clock.
‫Not everybody, just Anne.
‫- Go and ask him for a light. ‫- I'm already lit.
‫Go.
‫- Hi, got a light؟ ‫- Sure.
‫Oh, yeah. See؟
‫OK, one down, five to go.
‫- What about him؟ ‫- It's cool with me. It's fine.
‫Excuse me؟ Hi, have you met Liz؟ ‫She works in TV.
‫- I love TV. ‫- Something in common.
‫That night, I made three matches.
‫I didn't look for myself. ‫I try not to date while at work.
‫- The old and wise adage is true ‫those who can't do, teach.
‫Those who can't teach, do.
‫Here's a live one. ‫Go, get him, tiger. Go.
‫Run like the wind.