‫۳۱۷ - What Goes Around Comes Around
‫Here goes, Charles.
‫Two months into her marriage,
‫Charlotte's life seemed ‫to be a bed of roses.
‫That's what it looked like ‫to an onlooker.
‫My boys have been ‫playing each other
‫since prep school.
‫They're still not tired of it.
‫Let the girls play.
‫She's wearing pastels. ‫It's whites only.
‫We can make an exception ‫this one time.
‫Your father would roll over
‫in his grave if he heard you.
‫Charlotte hasn't been issued
‫a copy of the MacDougal house rules.
‫No, but it's time I got one.
‫It's next to the Bible,
‫on your bed stand.
‫Funny.
‫Tradition is a very undervalued virtue.
‫Marrying a MacDougal
‫is marrying history.
‫Yes. I guess I better go change.
‫Charlotte had no interest in hearing ‫any more about the family history.
‫Her history with Trey ‫was depressing enough.
‫After a few half-baked attempts at ‫a sex life, Trey seemed to give up.
‫The only place he even tried to score ‫was on the tennis court.
‫- Good morning. ‫- Morning.
‫Beautiful roses.
‫Thank you.
‫I don't knowwhat it is. ‫I'm strangely drawn to him.
‫- You knowthe man can plough. ‫- He had the most intoxicating scent.
‫Like sweat mixed with something, ‫something sweet yet pungent.
‫- Manure؟ ‫- And these full, sensuous lips.
‫- Does he water plants in Manhattan؟ ‫- I can't be looking at gardeners.
‫Why be in the suburbs, ‫if you're not gonna fuck a gardener؟
‫He was so tanned and muscular.
‫The sweat ran down from his chest ‫onto his perfectly defined stomach.
‫You read Harlequin Romances ‫in school, haunts you forever.
‫Whatever you do, don't look up.
‫Oh, my God, did you see ‫the way she looked at me؟
‫Did you see the look ‫her friend shot us؟
‫- Contempt, like I was Pol Pot. ‫- He's dead.
‫- She wishes I was. ‫- Who does she think she is؟
‫Big's wife.
‫That was awful. I can't believe ‫that there is a person in New York
‫who could hate me that much.
‫Oh, God.
‫I was so devastated ‫by Natasha's withering look
‫that I decided ‫my only recourse was to go shopping.
‫I took a wrong turn ‫looking for the right shoes,
‫and south of Houston Street ‫I literally lost my direction.
‫Excuse me, ‫I knowthis sounds ridiculous.
‫Can you tell me ‫which way is West Broadway؟
‫- Give me your bag. ‫- What؟
‫Your bag.
‫- It's a baguette. ‫- Let me have it.
‫I couldn't believe it. ‫۱۵ years in New York,
‫and when the city was getting safe, ‫I got mugged.
‫- Is this for real؟ ‫- Your watch and your ring.
‫Jesus.
‫- This won't... ‫- Come on.
‫- And your Manolo Blahniks. ‫- What؟
‫- No. ‫- Give me your Blahniks.
‫They weren't just after money. ‫They were after fashion.
‫Please, sir, they're my favorite pair.
‫I got them half price at a sample sale.
‫Thanks.
‫Somebody stop him, ‫he took my strappy sandals.
‫Somebody...
‫Gross!
‫I've been robbed!
‫I've been robbed.
‫He said, "Give me your Blahniks", ‫which I thought was a joke.
‫Then I'm barefoot on a sidewalk ‫in the middle of summer.
‫Anything other than the watch, ‫the bag, the ring, and the shoes؟
‫My dignity.
‫- God, are you all right؟ ‫- I'm fine. Thanks for coming.
‫- I can't believe he took your shoes. ‫- I know.
‫- Probably got trichinosis. ‫- You only get that from pork.
‫I'm sure I stepped ‫on a piece of it somewhere.
‫Detective Stevens, this is my friend, ‫my lawyer, Miranda Hobbes.
‫Nice to meet you. ‫Any chance of catching this guy؟
‫We hope so.
‫Maybe you can come with me ‫and read him his Miranda rights.
‫- Sorry, that was lame. ‫- It was funny. A little cop humor.
‫- Are you Irish؟ ‫- No. Why؟
‫You have beautiful red hair.
‫Anybody can be Irish ‫with the right colorist.
‫Very funny. A sense of humor, ‫I like that in a lawyer. It's very rare.
‫I'll get back to you ‫as soon as I have something.
‫- Can I have your card؟ ‫- Sure.
‫- Just in case. ‫- Sure.
‫Thanks.
‫I can't wear these.
‫I'll call you.
‫I don't understand. ‫I get mugged, and you get him؟
‫I guess that's my karma.
‫He said he'll call. ‫It doesn't mean he will.
‫What are you talking about؟ ‫The man was smitten with you.
‫He probably wants free legal advice. ‫That's generally my karma.
‫Samantha discovered that her number ‫had been passed around as well.
‫This is a message for Sam Jones. ‫If you're getting this, it's Brian.
‫I'll see you tomorrow around ۱۰:۰۰. ‫Can't wait. Later.
‫Sam, are you there؟ ‫This is Rob, Mike's friend.
‫You don't know me, but I'll be there ‫tomorrowwith some party favorites.
‫- Hello, Sam؟ ‫- Yes, this is Sam.
‫- Sam Jones؟ ‫- Yes. Who is this؟
‫The Sam Jones who's having ‫the big party tomorrow night؟
‫Exactly who is this Sam Jones؟
‫And where is this fabulous party؟
‫The next evening, ‫Miranda had a date with my detective.
‫I'm having an anxiety attack.
‫The most gorgeous man I've met ‫is in my living room.
‫- I can't figure out what to wear. ‫- Breathe.
‫Shut your eyes, ‫and go with your first instinct.
‫I've been in here for ۲۰ minutes. ‫By now he thinks I'm a freak.
‫I'll be right there.
‫What are you so worked up about؟
‫He's too good-looking for me. ‫I don't have outfits that go with Hunk.
‫Wait. Maybe this is karma.
‫- You're getting what you deserve. ‫- Right.
‫Maybe after years of odd men, ‫the universe is throwing me a bone.
‫If you're lucky, a boner as well.
‫- OK, I can do this. ‫- Now go and have fun.
‫Tell Detective Stevens, ‫if he sees a woman
‫wearing pink suede Blahnik sandals, ‫bring her in for questioning.
‫While I ascribed thoughts of karma ‫to fortune cookie psychology,
‫I wondered, does a string of bad dates ‫equal one good one؟
‫And will treating someone badly ‫in one relationship ensure
‫that you'll be treated badly ‫in the next؟
‫Does everything that goes around ‫come around؟
‫If so, will it come around ‫to bite you in the ass؟
‫Is there such a thing as ‫relationship karma؟
‫Later, I accompanied Samantha ‫to a party thrown by Sam Jones.
‫I can't believe we're going ‫to the party of a total stranger.
‫It's not a total stranger, ‫we do share the same name.
‫Why are you walking so slow؟
‫I keep waiting for someone ‫to jump out and steal my bra.
‫If the guy's a loser, I'll tell him ‫to stop having his friends call me,
‫and we'll go for dinner. If not, ‫who knows؟ His friend sounded cute.
‫- How can you tell over the phone؟ ‫- I can.
‫- Besides, Washington Square ‫very money address.
‫I feel like there's ‫some cosmic purpose to all this.
‫It's too much of a coincidence.
‫What was the cosmic purpose ‫of my getting snubbed by Natasha؟
‫If I told you I had information ‫about Big and Natasha,
‫would you consider it cosmic ‫or a random act of gossip؟
‫I'd have to hear it first.
‫Natasha left Big. It's over. ‫She's back working for Ralph Lauren.
‫Oh, my God. Who told you that؟
‫- A little bird I fucked at Ralph Lauren. ‫- You waited ۱۵ blocks to tell me that؟
‫I wanted you to have fun.
‫I can't believe I'm responsible ‫for breaking up their marriage.
‫You're not. It probably wouldn't ‫have worked anyway.
‫- I don't think I could feel any worse. ‫- Here we are.
‫- It's a dorm. ‫- Look at that, I feel worse.
‫Do you think ‫these cute boys are still in college؟
‫Yes.
‫I'm going to find Sam Jones, ‫and then we're outta here.
‫Excuse me. Could you tell me ‫where I can find Sam Jones؟
‫- Sam Jones؟ ‫- Yeah. Who are you؟
‫- Sam Jones. ‫- Excuse me؟
‫It appears that we have ‫a problem here.
‫We have the same name, ‫and I'm getting all your fucking calls.
‫If you're getting all my "fucking" calls, ‫that explains why I'm still a virgin.
‫Samantha wondered what message ‫the universe was sending her,
‫but Miranda had no doubt.
‫This was fun, ‫and I would invite you in,
‫but you've been in, ‫and I have a huge day tomorrow,
‫which isn't to say I wouldn't like to ‫see you again. I would, if you'd like...
‫I'll call you.
‫She felt like she had ‫just hit the cosmic jackpot.
‫Please don't tell anyone ‫we were here.
‫Some of those boys were cute.
‫- Some of them were young enough... ‫- Don't you dare say it.
‫- Excuse me, ladies. ‫- Excuse me, Mom.
‫Cab!
‫Natasha fell down the stairs, ‫now I fall down the stairs.
‫This is an open and shut case ‫of karmic retribution.
‫- It was an accident. ‫- This was not an accident.
‫Yesterday, I get mugged,
‫now I can't even get a taxi - and I can ‫always get a taxi. My karma is shot.
‫If everything happens for a reason, ‫why am I getting calls for Sam Jones؟
‫- What's the karmic connection؟ ‫- I only know about my own karma.
‫Maybe I should fuck that virgin
‫and give him the great first-time ‫experience that I never had.
‫That's not karma, ‫that's statutory rape.
‫Here, here.
‫Come on.
‫What's up؟
‫Across town, Charlotte was getting ‫a message of her own.
‫Wake up.
‫You had a nightmare.
‫You're all wet.
‫Later that week, my knee still hurting ‫from my trip down the stairs,
‫I decided to take matters ‫into my own hands.
‫- Ralph Lauren, Natasha's desk. ‫- I'd like to speak to Natasha, please.
‫- It's Carrie Bradshaw calling. ‫- What's this regarding؟
‫- It's personal. ‫- Hold.
‫I didn't know howto tell an assistant ‫it was of cosmic significance.
‫- She's in a meeting. ‫- I'll hold.
‫I don't mean to be rude, ‫but you'll be holding forever.
‫OK then, I'll hold forever.
‫This wasn't gonna be easy. ‫I had tough karma to overcome.
‫The next week, ‫Charlotte flirted with her own karma.
‫Where did you get ‫such a green thumb؟
‫Runs in the family. We're gardeners ‫for three generations.
‫What a wonderful tradition.
‫I'm Charlotte, by the way. Trey's wife.
‫I know. I'm Burt.
‫These roses are so beautiful. ‫What kind are they؟
‫A special hybrid of American Beauty.
‫They're very fragrant.
‫Charlotte's karma flirted back ‫in a most unexpected way.
‫Samantha was working out ‫some karmic issues of her own.
‫I came over to apologize ‫for all those calls.
‫Thank you. ‫Anything else؟
‫I've been waiting ‫for a woman like you my whole life.
‫You are the hottest thing ‫I've ever seen.
‫Slow down.
‫Oh, Lord. Oh, my Lord!
‫Here we go.
‫That was awesome.
‫Yes, it was.
‫Sam؟
‫- Yes, Sam؟ ‫- I think I love you.
‫Honey, that wasn't love.
‫That was sex.
‫No, ma'am. I...
‫I love you.
‫Time to move.
‫- Do I have to؟ ‫- Oh, yes. I've got stuff to do.
‫Goodbye to the sweetest lips ‫I've ever kissed.
‫Bye-bye.
‫Later, the MacDougals ‫were enjoying their cocktail hour,
‫which generally lasted ‫from ۵:۰۰pm to last man standing.
‫- I beat you three sets in a row. ‫- We didn't finish.
‫- It was getting dark as you recall. ‫- Stop bickering.
‫- Sandwiches, ma'am؟ ‫- No.
‫No, thank you.
‫I certainly had an interesting day.
‫I went riding. In the afternoon, ‫I took a walk around the property
‫and saw Charlotte ‫kissing the gardener.
‫Charlotte, you're a MacDougal now.
‫Samantha found that the universe ‫had sent her many messages.
‫You have ۳۵ new messages.
‫It's Sam Jones. call me. ‫I can't stop thinking about you.
‫I have to see you tonight. ‫It's really important.
‫Sam, it's Sam. I don't think ‫I can live without you, OK؟
‫Are you there, babe؟ I have to see ‫you tonight. It's really important.
‫OK, Sam. It's Sam.
‫Across town, Miranda met ‫her karmic treasure for dinner.
‫After ten years, ‫I made partner two months ago.
‫Or was it three؟ I'm losing track.
‫- Congratulations. ‫- Thank you.
‫- Can I get you another drink؟ ‫- Double vodka martini, please.
‫- And you, sir؟ ‫- I'm fine.
‫- Would you care to order؟ ‫- Could we have a minute؟
‫Take your time.
‫I thought about law school. ‫I loved Columbo so much as a kid...
‫Miranda realized that every woman ‫was staring at her date.
‫Your friend is the typical case ‫that I see on the job.
‫It's not as exciting as you might think. ‫It's not homicide...
‫- She knewwhat they were thinking ‫why is that attractive man with her؟
‫If your friend hadn't lost her shoes, ‫I wouldn't be here.
‫There you go.
‫Thank you.
‫She drank to feel better about herself.
‫Six vodka martinis later, ‫she was feeling pretty damn good.
‫- You're hot. ‫- And you're a little drunk.
‫I'm fine. I'm great.
‫Hot, hot, hot.
‫You may be the most beautiful man ‫that I've ever been with.
‫You're not bad yourself.
‫I'm no Mena Suvari, ‫but I'm great in bed.
‫When Trey didn't come to bed, ‫Charlotte went looking for him.
‫- What are you doing out here؟ ‫- Improving my serve.
‫Stop. You're upset, ‫and what I did was so wrong.
‫- I'm sorry. ‫- What can I say؟
‫I'm unable to meet your needs, ‫so from time to time,
‫as much as I detest it, ‫I'll have to look the other way.
‫I don't want a husband ‫who looks the other way.
‫I want a husband who makes me ‫not want to kiss the gardener.
‫No marriage is perfect.
‫So much of what we have ‫is wonderful.
‫We can have separate lives ‫and still be together.
‫It's totally acceptable.
‫As Charlotte looked at ‫her perfect husband
‫at their family's ‫perfect country house,
‫she realized ‫the one thing that was missing
‫was that perfect connection ‫with an imperfect person.
‫When we get back to the city, ‫I think we should separate for a while.
‫All righty.
‫Seven unreturned phone calls, ‫and still no response from Natasha.
‫Buddhists believe you pay for what ‫you do wrong in this life in the next.
‫I knewwhat I'd done. I just didn't think ‫I could wait a lifetime to be forgiven.
‫The next morning, Miranda woke up ‫with the worst hangover of her life.
‫Detective Stevens؟
‫On her hall table, she discovered that ‫Detective Stevens had left a number...
‫for her local AA chapter....
‫Samantha got her karmic retribution.
‫I love you, Sam Jones.
‫In screwing Sam Jones, ‫she wound up screwing herself.
‫I love you, Sam Jones.
‫A few days later, Charlotte came ‫home to her old apartment.
‫It was good fortune that she had only ‫sublet it, not to mention good sense.
‫Not wanting to come back ‫in my next life as a dung beetle,
‫I asked Samantha's assistant ‫to pump Natasha's assistant
‫to find out ‫where she was having lunch.
‫I need to talk to you.
‫- I'm gonna scream. ‫- I'm only gonna stay a minute.
‫I tried to call you at work, but...
‫Anyway, it's not important.
‫Can I have a sip of this؟
‫Thanks.
‫I heard about your marriage.
‫It's just so terrible.
‫I never meant ‫for any of this to happen.
‫If there was something ‫I could do to take it away, I would.
‫But I can't.
‫I came here today because ‫I needed to say how sorry I am.
‫I am deeply sorry ‫for what I did to you.
‫It was wrong.
‫I'm sorry.
‫Are you through؟
‫Yes. Thank you for listening.
‫Wait.
‫I'm sorry, too.
‫You are؟
‫Yes. I'm sorry about it all.
‫I'm sorry he moved to Paris ‫and fell in love with me.
‫I'm sorry that we ever got married.
‫I'm sorry he cheated on me with you,
‫and I'm sorry that I pretended ‫to ignore it for as long as I did.
‫I'm sorry I found you in my apartment,
‫fell down the stairs ‫and broke my tooth.
‫I'm very sorry ‫that after much painful dental surgery
‫this tooth is still ‫a different color than this tooth.
‫Finally, I'm sorry that you felt ‫the need to come down here.
‫Not only have you ‫ruined my marriage,
‫you've ruined my lunch.
‫That's just what I had to say.
‫I was just leaving.
‫My actions had set into motion ‫a karmic chain of events
‫that put Natasha ‫back on the singles market.
‫As if single women ‫didn't have it hard enough.
‫Somewhere out there, ‫Big was alone again.
‫The universe may not ‫always play fair,
‫but at least it's got ‫a hell of a sense of humor.