‫۳۱۸ - Cock-A-Doodle-Doo
‫What؟
‫In life, there are ‫all sorts of wake-up calls.
‫But crowing on East ۷۳rd Street
‫was one I was not prepared for.
‫It was my own fault.
‫I'd let my frenzy for a rent-controlled ‫apartment near Barneys,
‫override the fact that it was ‫animal-hospital adjacent.
‫That's the thing about New York - you ‫never know what's around the corner.
‫Or, in Samantha's case, ‫just outside your window.
‫There they were - Samantha's ‫neighborhood transsexual hookers.
‫Half man, half woman, ‫totally annoying.
‫Girl, she got herself ‫a handful with that one!
‫He was all up in my stuff once.
‫I told him to get that thing ‫out of my ass or I'll shit on it.
‫"Get that out my ass, or I'll shit on it. " ‫Is that the dirtiest thing ever؟
‫Let's hope so!
‫I am paying to live in a neighborhood
‫that's trendy by day ‫and tranny by night.
‫- Tranny؟ ‫- Transsexuals. Chicks with dicks.
‫Boobs on top, balls down below.
‫- I don't get the appeal there. ‫- It's the other white meat.
‫I understand that pseudo-straight men ‫have to get laid, but not on my block.
‫I thought my chickens were bad.
‫Every morning at ۴:۰۰am they start. ‫It's like they're putting on a show.
‫The "Up-my-ass Players".
‫Too early for tranny talk؟
‫It's so weird to be sitting here ‫eating omelet again
‫like nothing ever happened.
‫It was our first ‫Saturday morning breakfast
‫since Charlotte had left Trey, ‫her husband of three months.
‫I was married. ‫And now, what؟ I'm single again؟
‫- You're not single, just separated. ‫- That's right.
‫I'll never be single again... ‫I'll be divorced.
‫The only thing worse than being ۳۴ ‫and single is being ۳۴ and divorced.
‫Thanks.
‫I think it's worse to be ۳۴ and trapped ‫in a marriage that doesn't work.
‫- Did I try hard enough؟ ‫- "Hard" is the word.
‫Sweetie, Trey has ‫an impotence problem...
‫I am so sick of talking about Trey. ‫I think and talk about Trey all the time.
‫Change the subject, please. ‫Talk about the "up my ass" stuff.
‫OK, here's the plan.
‫Sunday, we all come over, have ‫an unpacking party and no Trey-talk.
‫I'll bring the cocktails.
‫I'll bring the food. ‫How about roof-chicken؟
‫Can I help you؟
‫I live around the corner ‫and my window
‫looks over the roof ‫with the chickens and the crowing...
‫- Roosters. ‫- Excuse me؟
‫They are roosters. ‫Roosters crow.
‫Yes, they do. ‫And very loudly.
‫Sorry. We just got them. Rescued ‫from a cockfight in the Bronx.
‫- My God. ‫- I'll move them to the basement.
‫You don't have to do that. ‫They had all that fight-trauma.
‫They need fresh air. ‫I don't want them to be miserable.
‫Don't worry. ‫They have a very lovely life.
‫That's all right. I'll get over it.
‫Thank you for being so nice.
‫Just gonna take one of these ‫for my friend. She has a cat.
‫Are you hungry؟
‫Yeah؟ ‫I'm hungry too.
‫- Shanghai Garden. May I help you؟ ‫- I'd like to order some take-out.
‫- Address, please. ‫- ۳۳۱ West ۷۸th Street. Apartment ۴F.
‫I'd like to order some chicken ‫with broccoli in a brown...
‫Brown sauce with brown rice. ‫Cold noodles.
‫I know. Every night the same.
‫Right.
‫The Chinese take-out lady ‫thinks I'm pathetic.
‫She said, ‫"Every night, the same thing. "
‫That's a tad bitchy for a take-out lady.
‫- Do you think I'm in a rut؟ ‫- A food-rut؟
‫I'm sitting home with my cat, ordering ‫the same thing almost every night.
‫The only thing sadder would be ‫a Cathy Comic on my refrigerator.
‫Never say Cathy Comic to me again.
‫She giggled at me. The take-out lady.
‫Order from someplace else. There's ‫۶۰۰ Chinese places on your block.
‫This place is my favorite. It's easier ‫than figuring out where else to go.
‫Then bear the take-out food shame.
‫There they were. ‫Our ex-boyfriends.
‫What are they doing together؟ ‫Are they friends now؟
‫Apparently. This is bad.
‫What do you think ‫they are talking about؟ Their dogs؟
‫Yeah, here's their conversation: ‫"How's your dog؟ Good, yours؟
‫Was that the bitches ‫who ruined our lives؟"
‫They didn't see us.
‫We have a choice. We can run ‫the other way or move in here.
‫We can't run.
‫These shoe-straps will break.
‫- How do I look؟ ‫- Good. Great!
‫You look great too.
‫Thank God I didn't wear ‫my drawstring pants.
‫Look who it is!
‫- Another thing about New York ‫who knows who is around the corner؟
‫This is what I like about New York. ‫Street-traffic.
‫Well, look at you.
‫Look who it is, Pete.
‫My God! ‫Look how big he got.
‫He starts college next year.
‫You must be very proud.
‫Two beers at a time. Did we ‫give you guys a drinking problem؟
‫They are not just for us.
‫I'll have nightmares ‫about that ladies room for weeks.
‫Carrie and Miranda, ‫this is Jessica and Susan.
‫Hello.
‫Honey, do you still wanna see ‫the movie or just crash؟
‫I don't care.
‫- We have to go. ‫- Yeah, we gotta go.
‫It was good to see you, Aidan.
‫Come on, this way.
‫That night at Charlotte's - light ‫unpacking and heavy realisations.
‫Well, they're over us.
‫It's just so hilarious.
‫I'm hemorrhaging inside.
‫We thought they were pining ‫and they have new girlfriends already!
‫- Were they cute؟ ‫- The point is not if they were cute.
‫The point is, they were there.
‫- They were cute. ‫- Very cute.
‫How can they have ‫new relationships؟
‫I'm still in the "I just broke up ‫with someone" phase.
‫It's infuriating. Women sit around ‫obsessing about what went wrong.
‫Men just say "all righty" and move on.
‫I take offence at that. Not all women ‫sit around and obsess about men.
‫As soon as my relationships ‫are over, I move on.
‫- Relationships؟ ‫- You know, dates.
‫I do try to figure out what went wrong. ‫But I don't think that I obsess.
‫You are Miss Obsess. Big؟
‫Big was tricky. ‫I still don't knowwhat happened.
‫You should have ‫a relationship rear-view mirror.
‫Relationships may appear closer ‫than they actually are.
‫I didn't obsess about Aidan. ‫Aidan was clear. He moved on.
‫- It's much easier for men to move on. ‫- Is it؟
‫Please! The ratio of women to men ‫in this city is huge.
‫They can sit outside, have a beer
‫and wait for the Jessicas ‫and Susans to come to them.
‫Maybe we only obsess over ‫relationships that feel unfinished.
‫I can guarantee that Trey ‫isn't sitting around with his friends,
‫obsessing about what went wrong.
‫Men never think anything is their fault.
‫I wish there were no men.
‫Call someone, she's gone insane.
‫If there were no men, ‫then we wouldn't feel hurt.
‫And we wouldn't be disappointed.
‫And we wouldn't be spending ‫our night obsessing about them.
‫I'm so over men.
‫What؟ I am.
‫Later that night I got to thinking about ‫men, women and relationships.
‫Or more to the point, howwomen feel ‫men disappoint them in relationships.
‫Then a radical, earth-shattering ‫thought popped into my head.
‫What if everything ‫isn't the man's fault؟
‫After a certain age ‫and a certain number of relationships,
‫if it still isn't working and the ex's ‫seem to be moving on and we don't,
‫perhaps the problem ‫isn't the last boyfriend,
‫or the one before him ‫or even the one before him.
‫Could it be ‫that the problem isn't them,
‫but horror of horrors, ‫is it us؟
‫Downtown, the "Up-my-ass Players"
‫were in the middle ‫of their late night repertory.
‫"Much Ado About Up My Ass" ‫and "Long Day's Journey Up My Ass".
‫Samantha decided if she was gonna ‫get a good night's sleep,
‫she'd have to test how effective ‫a PR professional she was.
‫Ladies, hello.
‫I live right up there, ‫the loft within earshot.
‫As much as I respect a woman's right
‫for a little something ‫with certain New Jersey gentlemen,
‫I have a request.
‫I have a very early business meeting.
‫And I think we all know,
‫there are certain dark circles ‫even the best make-up can't cover.
‫Am I right؟
‫Sorry to wake you, baby. ‫We'll take it down here.
‫I appreciate it. ‫By the way, I'm Samantha.
‫- Destiny. ‫- Chyna.
‫- Jo. ‫- No "e". She got the "e" cut off.
‫Those heels are fierce, Miss Girl.
‫Don't I know it.
‫Samantha knew ‫howto get her way with men,
‫even if they were half women.
‫What؟
‫'Rough night؟'
‫- Who is this؟ ‫- It's me.
‫I didn't recognize your voice. ‫You sounded different.
‫Did I wake you؟ ‫It's only ۱۱:۳۰.
‫No, I was up late working.
‫And there are these chickens ‫that crow on the roof next door.
‫Roosters. Roosters crow.
‫The "Fun On The Farm" fact ‫everyone's aware of but me.
‫- So tell me, is red a mistake؟ ‫- In what way؟
‫I'm repainting my bedroom.
‫- A red bedroom؟ ‫- Just one wall.
‫But I think it's too red.
‫It's like sleeping in communist china.
‫She left... We ended it.
‫- I heard. ‫- You did؟ How؟
‫I think it was on the news.
‫Could we have lunch sometime؟
‫I really need to talk to you.
‫- Please؟ ‫- Where؟
‫Boathouse restaurant, Central Park. ‫How about Saturday at ۲:۰۰؟
‫- Carrie؟ ‫- I'm nodding.
‫- So I'll see you at ۲:۰۰ then. ‫- Bye.
‫Later that day, I met Miranda ‫at my favorite thrift store,
‫to dig for buried treasure.
‫Do you think I can get away with ‫a "Hang in there, baby" halter top؟
‫Nobody gets away with ‫a "Hang in there, baby" halter top.
‫Do you wanna go to the ‫Hopper exhibit Saturday afternoon؟
‫I can't. I have to work.
‫I lied. ‫I don't have to work.
‫I'm meeting Big for lunch ‫and I didn't think you'd approve.
‫- You're meeting Big؟ ‫- He called.
‫- He sounded upset and needs to talk. ‫- Since when does Big talk؟
‫What does that mean؟
‫He's upset about Natasha leaving...
‫I'm not holding your hand ‫through this again.
‫I'm not asking you to hold anything. ‫We're just having lunch.
‫It's a huge mistake.
‫It's not a huge mistake, it's lunch.
‫How many more times are you gonna ‫go through this؟ He is bad for you.
‫Every time you get near him you turn ‫into this pathetic, needy victim.
‫What pisses me off is that you are ‫more than willing to go back for more.
‫I am not going back for more ‫and I can't even believe...
‫I can't believe ‫you would say that to me.
‫- If you start up with Big again... ‫- I am not starting up with Big again.
‫If you do, I don't wanna know ‫anything about it.
‫No calls. No crying.
‫Are you gonna cut me out of your life ‫like you did to Steve؟
‫What؟
‫The first sign of any little weakness ‫and you just write people off.
‫My God, Miranda. ‫You are so judgmental.
‫You can say I'm pathetic and needy ‫and I can't say anything to you؟
‫Everybody is not ‫as tough as you, Miranda.
‫People... Some of us make mistakes.
‫That's just perfect. ‫Walk away.
‫It's all my fault.
‫Right there, ‫next to the two for $۵ bin,
‫Miranda and I had our first big fight.
‫'You have no messages. '
‫I thought by the time I got home, ‫she'd have left an apology.
‫I was gonna call her, ‫but wasn't quite sure what to say.
‫Or whose fault it really was.
‫And at the exact ‫same moment across town,
‫Miranda was preparing to make ‫the call she'd been dreading all day.
‫'Shanghai Garden. ‫May I help you؟'
‫I'd like to order some takeout.
‫'Address, please. '
‫۳۳۱ West ۷۸th Street, Apartment ۴F. ‫I'd like some...
‫'Chicken with broccoli, brown sauce, ‫brown rice and cold noodles, right؟'
‫You know what؟ ‫I don't need this. Never mind.
‫'OK. Bye-bye. '
‫After she hung up, Miranda couldn't ‫get the giggle out of her head.
‫She decided to walk the two blocks ‫to confront the woman
‫with the judgmental giggle ‫who thought she was better than her.
‫Shanghai Garden. ‫May I help you؟
‫OK. Address, please.
‫۲۲۴ West ۷۸th... Sorry, ۷۳.
‫Miranda realized the giggle wasn't ‫about her. It wasn't about anything.
‫It wasn't the noodles that kept her ‫coming back to this restaurant.
‫It was the fact that ‫this was their place
‫and it was filled with happy memories.
‫Twice in one week. ‫Am I lucky or what؟
‫- I thought I got custody of this place. ‫- I like their hot and sour soup.
‫Are you here by yourself؟ ‫Me too. Sit down.
‫I've got this bowl of crunchies ‫that I'll never get through.
‫How are you؟
‫Not good. ‫Carrie and I had a huge fight.
‫About what؟
‫Me, her, you, Big... Me.
‫My judgmental stuff. ‫How bad was it؟
‫- It wasn't good. ‫- I didn't throwyou away. Did I؟
‫- No. ‫- She said I did.
‫Miranda, only you and I really know ‫what happened between you and I.
‫It's nobody else's business.
‫But she said that, huh؟ ‫Must've been pretty mad.
‫I didn't say nice things to her either. ‫I just don't want her to get hurt again.
‫So you yelled at her؟
‫Yeah.
‫Sounds about par.
‫I guess your new girlfriend ‫doesn't yell.
‫No.
‫How's that going؟
‫It's ok.
‫- Like to order؟ ‫- I'd like the chicken with broccoli...
‫Let me see the menu. ‫I should try something new.
‫You should. ‫Go ahead. Live a little.
‫There is so much.
‫You're so fucking hot.
‫I can't believe they go away for one ‫night and then back three in a row.
‫Forget them. Look at me.
‫I'm sorry. I'm here.
‫Where are those cops؟ ‫I called them half an hour ago.
‫Look at me. ‫Let's bring it on home.
‫I can't.
‫- I'm close. ‫- Well, I'm not.
‫The idea that she'd miss ‫a night's sleep pissed Samantha off.
‫The idea that she'd miss an orgasm, ‫was more than she could bear.
‫Shut up, you bitches! ‫I've called the cops.
‫Suck my cock!
‫Keep talking and I'll come down there ‫and cut it off for you.
‫I'd like to see you try, motherfucker. ‫You think we want that BS؟ No way!
‫Are you gonna pull a Lorena Bobbit؟
‫$۷,۰۰۰ a month and I have to put up ‫with a trilogy of fucking trannies؟
‫I don't fucking think so!
‫I am a taxpayer and member of ‫the Women's Business Association.
‫- I don't have to put up with this shit! ‫- Forget them and come back to bed.
‫There was nothing anyone could do ‫to stop her. Samantha was obsessed.
‫She had a date with Destiny, ‫Chyna and Jo, no "e".
‫Take this, ladies!
‫I'm gonna come up there ‫and kick your ass, bitch!
‫Get off my hair now!
‫'Move it along, girls. '
‫You heard the man, move it along.
‫Hey, where are you going؟
‫Home. You freak me out.
‫And Uptown, Charlotte was ‫a bit freaked out as well.
‫Unable to sleep ‫and unable to unpack,
‫she was with the only man ‫she could tolerate - The Dalai Lama.
‫- Charlotte؟ It's me. ‫- Trey؟
‫What are you doing here؟ ‫It's ۴:۰۰am.
‫I sawyour light on from the street. ‫I figured you'd still be up.
‫What do you want؟
‫Ever since you left, ‫I can't stop thinking about you.
‫- Honey, we're separated. ‫- I know.
‫Once Charlotte swore off men, ‫this man couldn't get enough of her.
‫He wasn't a rooster and it wasn't ‫the Bronx but from deep inside,
‫Trey's cock began to crow.
‫Across town, I was still wide awake.
‫I couldn't get my fight with Miranda ‫out of my head.
‫I was not only capable of obsessing ‫about relationships with men,
‫I was capable of obsessing ‫about relationships with women.
‫East Side Animal Shelter. ‫Please leave a message.
‫This is your neighbor ‫who complained about the chickens.
‫I can't take it any more. ‫Move them in. Thanks.
‫I figured if they had a lovely life, ‫I was entitled to the same thing.
‫Well...
‫All righty.
‫I knewthat was in me somewhere.
‫You did؟
‫I just hadn't felt it since before...
‫Why did you stop yourself؟ ‫Before what؟
‫Since before we got engaged.
‫Oh.
‫Yeah. Oh.
‫Do you think our whole problem ‫had to do with the fact that...
‫What؟
‫Say it.
‫- You didn't really wanna marry me. ‫- No.
‫I think it may be due to the fact that ‫I didn't want to get married at all.
‫- Then why did you؟ ‫- I guess I thought it was time.
‫I'm of a certain age, ‫people expect you to get married.
‫Yes, well... That sounds familiar.
‫- One other thing... ‫- What؟
‫I married you because I knew
‫I'd never find anyone ‫as wonderful as you to marry.
‫He may have gone away, ‫the pre-op transsexual,
‫but he came back, loaded with eggs.
‫Nowwho's laughing, bitch؟
‫Samantha knewthis was ‫one relationship with a man
‫she couldn't walk away from.
‫Because this man was half woman.
‫- Good, you're there. ‫- I was just gonna call you.
‫Do you really think I'm pathetic؟
‫No, I'm so sorry. ‫I don't think you're pathetic at all.
‫I'm outside the restaurant, ‫hiding in some bushes.
‫Do you still not think I'm pathetic؟
‫'I knowyou think it's a huge mistake. '
‫It's just something I feel ‫I need to do to move on.
‫Don't listen to me. I have no idea ‫what's right for you and Big.
‫But if I'm wrong and it is a mistake, ‫I need to know you'll be there for me.
‫I'm there.
‫I'm going in. ‫Any last minute advice؟
‫Don't let him kiss you. That seems ‫to be where you get into trouble.
‫- 'Carrie؟' ‫- I'm nodding.
‫Hello, you.
‫It's good to see you.
‫Are you OK؟
‫My hair is in a duck pond.
‫My Dior purse.
‫I'll get it.
‫Oh, my God! What is that؟
‫- Howwas your shower؟ ‫- I no longer smell of pond.
‫Exactly how many ‫terry-cloth robes do you have؟
‫- Three or four. ‫- Oh, three or four.
‫I swore I would never be in this room ‫with you again.
‫You said to take you ‫to the nearest shower.
‫That is one red wall.
‫Yes, it's red.
‫I gotta ask you a question.
‫- Was it all my fault؟ ‫- No.
‫It wasn't all your fault.
‫We really screwed that up. ‫What were we thinking؟
‫I have no idea.
‫Fuck. I was counting on you ‫for answers.
‫- How are you doing, kid؟ ‫- Pretty good. How are you doing؟
‫Good.
‫Aside from the fact ‫I feel like I've been through a war.
‫Really, we're like war buddies. ‫War buddies in Calvin Klein robes.
‫I hate to admit this, ‫but I kind of like living alone again.
‫Why doesn't that surprise me؟
‫- I should go. ‫- Don't you want to stay a while؟
‫I can't.
‫Why؟
‫Because, sweet friend,
‫you and I are like that red wall.
‫It's a good idea in theory. ‫But somehow, it doesn't quite work.
‫And just like that, I realized ‫Big and I weren't "us" any more.
‫We had become something else. ‫What it was, I had no idea.
‫'You have one new message. '
‫(Miranda) It's me. I'm wondering how ‫it went. Call me when you get home.
‫I had no idea where the chickens had ‫gone, but I hoped it wasn't the Bronx.
‫And I hoped they were happy.
‫Who wants a wiener؟
‫Girl, I'm trying to get rid of one.
‫The next Saturday, Samantha decided ‫to throw a kiss and make up party
‫for the "Up-my-ass Players".
‫Trey called me three times last week. ‫He's dying to get back together.
‫But I don't know. ‫Is that wise؟
‫- I'm obsessing again, aren't I؟ ‫- A bit.
‫So, what are we all drinking؟
‫"Flirtinis. " Vodka, pineapple ‫and champagne.
‫Flirtinis.
‫- Destiny made them. ‫- I'm past a Flirtini. I need a "Fucktini".
‫Watch your language. ‫There are ladies present.
‫Where؟
‫- You with the flower. ‫- Are you talking to me؟
‫It's you, girl. Come on.
‫- What do you want؟ ‫- I want you to give me a swirl.
‫I need to see you spin first, sister.
‫- Is that good enough؟ ‫- Give me the shake.
‫Don't mind the weight. ‫Eat something.
‫Don't worry, ‫they have a very lovely life.