‫۳۰۲ - Politically Erect
‫Ihad been dating politician Bill Kelley
‫for three weeks.
‫Since most of our time was spent ‫campaigning, I dressed the part.
‫I found some vintage Halston
‫and did a spin on Jackie Kennedy.
‫The early years.
‫Who here knows
‫what a city comptroller does؟
‫You do؟
‫We made a good match.
‫I was adept at fashion, he at politics.
‫This city's populace's passion,
‫love and devotion to their home...
‫Really, they're both ‫about recycling ideas
‫and making them seem ‫fresh and inspiring.
‫It is this love affair, this symbiotic ‫relationship between citizens and city,
‫that I promise to cherish and protect.
‫Thank you.
‫Great guy!
‫Yes, he is.
‫can we talk about proposition ۱۱۴؟
‫- What is that؟ ‫- You and me in the bedroom.
‫- Is that on the ballot؟ ‫- It ought to be. I'd back it.
‫And that's ‫whatever position you want.
‫Which way is the bedroom؟
‫Put me down.
‫That was the night I had ‫my political consciousness raised.
‫How about a movie ‫Wednesday night؟
‫Wednesday؟ I'm not sure. ‫I might be working.
‫Thursday, then.
‫oK, maybe Thursday. I'll see.
‫Do you have plans؟
‫Steve, you can't just assume ‫I'm gonna be free every night.
‫Is it a date؟
‫It could be a date, so I wouldn't ‫necessarily share that with you.
‫- I'd like to know. Who are you dating؟ ‫- Nobody in particular.
‫- Anybody specific؟ ‫- Is this the third degree؟
‫I'm trying to figure out ‫when I get to see you again.
‫I'm not dating anyone else.
‫I'm not planning on ‫dating anyone else.
‫- I just want to see you. ‫- I see.
‫Exclusively.
‫I got it.
‫That's very sweet. I just ‫hadn't thought about things that way.
‫- So, think about it. ‫- oK.
‫Because I think if we really want ‫to see if it can work between us,
‫this time we got to make ‫the commitment to be exclusive.
‫oK. I hear you.
‫oK.
‫The truth was, there were ‫no other candidates in sight.
‫But Miranda wasn't ready ‫to let Steve win by default.
‫You're dating a politician and ‫you're not even registered to vote.
‫- It's the undecideds they're after. ‫- He's good-looking, he's got power...
‫It's got to be a turn-on.
‫Yeah, I'm dating ‫a potential comptroller. It's hot.
‫- I want to help out. ‫- You're not interested in politics؟
‫It's a great way to meet men.
‫With carrie, we can meet the inner ‫circle and the interesting donors.
‫By interesting men ‫she means single and rich.
‫- Guys, he's not running for president. ‫- I'd vote for him. He's cute.
‫- So؟ ‫- I always vote according to looks.
‫I base my decision ‫on the swimsuit competition.
‫The country runs better ‫with a good-looking man in charge
‫Look at Nixon. No one wanted ‫to fuck him, so he fucked everyone.
‫- I had a crush on Dan Quayle. ‫- We need a president in a hat.
‫No one wears a hat anymore. ‫FDR, good president, wore a hat.
‫So busy picking a hat, ‫he forgot to get in the war.
‫- I had a crush on Dan Quayle. ‫- We tried to ignore that the first time.
‫It was his crisp, white shirts.
‫- Reminded me of my father. ‫- So, you were voting for your father.
‫There was something homoerotic ‫about Quayle and Bush.
‫- very Batman and Robin. ‫- Based strictly on looks,
‫- no one was cuter than JFK. ‫- or quicker to jump in the sack.
‫I'm glad you three weren't around ‫during the original ۱۳ colonies.
‫I don't think our founding fathers ‫were very fuckable.
‫I heard that Thomas Jefferson ‫was a real fox.
‫There we were. ‫Just four girls talking politics.
‫Meanwhile, Miranda was facing a day ‫at the polls earlier than she expected.
‫Last night as we were walking home, ‫Steve asked me to go steady.
‫How sweet. They still call it that؟
‫I don't know if I can make ‫that commitment.
‫How many other guys are you dating؟
‫That's not the point. I'm so ambivalent ‫about Steve and moving forward.
‫You did let him back in your life. ‫There must be something there.
‫There's plenty there. Flaws that make ‫me not want to stick my neck out.
‫But there's great stuff too.
‫Maybe I should be honest ‫and tell him what I really feel which is..
‫what if somebody ‫better comes along؟
‫You gotta put a better spin ‫on it than that.
‫You see... that's my problem.
‫I don't know how to be political ‫in relationships.
‫It's time for the list. Things you like ‫about him. Things you don't like.
‫- See which is longer. ‫- That's so judgmental.
‫You are judgmental. ‫Put it to good use.
‫oK, fine. I'll make a list.
‫Politics were always as relevant to me ‫as a new Erica Jong novel.
‫But I did find it interesting ‫that a discussion about politics
‫ultimately became ‫a discussion about sex.
‫And a discussion about sex ‫became a question of politics.
‫Which led me to wonder, if the two ‫were inextricably linked, and if so...
‫can there be sex without politics؟
‫That night, Samantha discovered ‫her own hot, new candidate.
‫Hey, Pink Lady. ‫can I buy that for you؟
‫Maybe, if you promise never to use ‫a lame line like that again.
‫It worked didn't it؟ ‫Jeff Fenton.
‫Samantha Jones.
‫You are damn attractive. ‫And that is not a line.
‫How long have you been sitting here؟
‫- My first drink. ‫- So, you're just naturally forward؟
‫I'm aggressive. ‫I run a successful hedge fund.
‫My life is about calculating risks.
‫Telling a beautiful lady she's attractive ‫is the safest bet I've made all day.
‫Thank you.
‫- You like to ski؟ ‫- I love it.
‫We have a house in Sun valley. ‫How long have you been skiing؟
‫- on and off for years. ‫- I can tell. You've got the legs for it.
‫Got to run back to the office.
‫How about dinner this week؟
‫I told you all about me ‫but I didn't hear about you.
‫Samantha never felt better. ‫There were gorgeous women
‫sitting on either side ‫and Jeff had elected her.
‫Fenton Partners.
‫That's right. ‫We're up ۳۲۰۰%۰ for the year.
‫Samantha Jones. Public Relations. ‫very nice.
‫You must do well. ‫Who's gonna say no to you؟
‫- What about dinner؟ Friday night؟ ‫- I think that might work.
‫Just as her self-esteem ‫was soaring right off the charts...
‫Nice to meet you, Pink Lady. ‫I'll give you a call.
‫Bye.
‫Later that week,
‫I brought "the single ladies coalition ‫to elect Bill Kelley" to a fundraiser.
‫What is the height difference between ‫a short person and a little person؟
‫- A little person؟ ‫- A midget.
‫- A midget or a dwarf؟ ‫- What's the difference؟
‫Little person is the proper way ‫to refer to an adult under ۵ feet.
‫I agreed to go on a date ‫with a very short person.
‫I didn't realize he was so short.
‫Sitting down he was proportional. ‫Standing, he barely clears my nipples.
‫That may be the perfect height.
‫I can't cancel ‫just because he's a munchkin.
‫This is a politically incorrect ‫conversation for a political fundraiser.
‫Less than five feet is unacceptable.
‫I have to go mingle. ‫There are a lot of cute guys here
‫and these things ‫never last beyond two martinis.
‫charlotte was running ‫her own campaign.
‫She wanted to be elected wife ‫before the year was out.
‫- There's Miranda. ‫- Give me that.
‫Hey, you made it.
‫Tell me, ‫why are we voting for this guy؟
‫He wants an investigation into ‫the Board of Education for waste,
‫and he's against large corporations ‫wasting your tax dollars.
‫- I'm sleeping with him. ‫- Good enough for me.
‫come on, I'll introduce you.
‫Jesus christ, ‫he talks more than I do.
‫This is the lovely Miranda Hobbes. ‫And her friend Steve Brady.
‫- Hi. ‫- I've heard great things about you.
‫You must be reading my clippings. ‫I pay people a lot to say nice things.
‫If you win, maybe you can fix ‫a couple of parking tickets.
‫I owe New York city $۵۰۰. I figured ‫I need the money more than they do.
‫It's a joke! ‫come on, he knows I'm kidding.
‫- I'll get us a drink. Nice meeting you. ‫- Nice meeting you.
‫Excuse me.
‫The dumb jokes. con.
‫cute butt... pro.
‫I don't believe in the Republican Party ‫or Democratic Party.
‫I just believe in parties.
‫charlotte was stumping for her cause, ‫and making newfriends.
‫I love Liechtenstein. ‫But I loved comic books as a kid.
‫But that's great. His work ‫is accessible on so many levels.
‫Sweetheart, this is charlotte. ‫She runs a gallery downtown.
‫charlotte, this is ‫my fiancee catherine.
‫- Hi. ‫- Nice to meet you.
‫- Stanford! ‫- Hi.
‫I can only stay a few minutes, I have ‫tickets to the "vagina Monologues".
‫Why؟
‫I don't eat at the restaurant, ‫but I can still hear the specials.
‫- carrie, give me a sip of your drink. ‫- This is my friend, Stanford Blatch.
‫- Bill Kelley. ‫- I represent the queer vote.
‫If you can carry chelsea, ‫you've got the city locked up.
‫I'm not worried about chelsea. ‫Have you seen my ass؟
‫Got my vote.
‫- ۱۲ o'clock. ‫- Excuse me.
‫- Who's that guy؟ ‫- That's his campaign manager.
‫- Fix me up. ‫- How do you even know he's gay؟
‫I've seen him rollerblading ‫on ۸th Avenue.
‫That's enough.
‫Please؟
‫Great, now I'm a first lady and a pimp.
‫Hey, excuse me.
‫This is awkward, so feel free ‫to stop me at any time, but...
‫there's a person here ‫who would like to meet you.
‫- oK. ‫- A guy.
‫Keep going.
‫It's the guy right over there.
‫You mean the blonde guy ‫with the great arms.
‫Actually, no. It's the bald guy, ‫with the great sense of humor.
‫- Do you knowthe blonde guy؟ ‫- No.
‫- He's really much more my type. ‫- oK.
‫Well... Go Kelley.
‫I wondered howto handle ‫this political hot potato.
‫- He's not gay. ‫- I could have sworn he was.
‫I realized ‫I was getting good at politics.
‫I'm just so at the place ‫where I'm ready to settle down.
‫It seems like a miracle when two nice ‫people like you can find each other.
‫We met in the most unusual way.
‫one of my girlfriends threw a party
‫where all the women brought a man ‫they weren't interested in.
‫- Somebody brought Bob. ‫- The rest is history.
‫I love that!
‫one woman's trash ‫is another woman's treasure.
‫Bill raised $۶,۰۰۰ that night.
‫It really got him in the mood.
‫You know, you're the first woman ‫in ages I've felt this intimate with.
‫You're so beautiful. ‫So funny... you're great.
‫Thank you.
‫I love making love to you.
‫The feeling is mutual.
‫Is there anything you want or need ‫that I'm not doing؟
‫- No, it's great. ‫- 'cause I want to know.
‫- I want to make you happy. ‫- I am happy.
‫What about you؟ Is there anything ‫you want or need that I'm not doing؟
‫No.
‫- Well... maybe one thing. ‫- What؟
‫Well, I would love ‫to get you in the shower.
‫Get each other all fresh and clean.
‫That sounds nice.
‫And then... ‫I'd like you to pee on me.
‫I would be worried. ‫The pee could be foreplay.
‫- My God! ‫- Where there's smoke.
‫It's typical of men in power. They love ‫to be dominated. Humiliated.
‫What did you say؟
‫I told him I'd just gone, ‫maybe another time.
‫I can't keep saying that forever.
‫I peed on a guy once during sex, ‫but it was an accident.
‫- What did he say؟ ‫- I don't think he noticed.
‫I once had to stop eating meat ‫for six months.
‫So this is what it's come down to... ‫ready, set, pee؟
‫Sometimes with the right guy ‫you have to make concessions.
‫- There's always gonna be something. ‫- Are you advocating that I do this؟
‫Why not؟ ‫He's a great-looking political prince.
‫Sure, it's practically a fairytale.. ‫"The Princess And The Pee".
‫If you can't work it out with ‫Bill, bring him to my party on Friday.
‫Everyone is bringing a guy ‫they're no longer interested in.
‫That's a great idea, ‫I can bring my short guy.
‫You're dating a munchkin and ‫I'm following the yellow brick road.
‫A couple of nights later, and no closer ‫to a solution, I had a date with Bill.
‫We went to ‫his favorite Indian restaurant,
‫that boasted the hottest curry ‫in the city.
‫So I just got some new polls.
‫I'm ahead in Manhattan and Brooklyn ‫but I'm lagging in the Bronx.
‫I may have to spend another $۱۵,۰۰۰ ‫to buy myself some voter turnout.
‫Pretty hot, isn't it؟ ‫Have some water.
‫No, I'm fine.
‫Excuse me, can I get another one؟ ‫You want a beer؟
‫So, I read your column yesterday.
‫- You did؟ ‫- It's great. very funny.
‫Just one question. Who's ‫the handsome politico you refer to؟
‫He's just some other fellow ‫I'm seeing in Washington.
‫- You don't mind, do you؟ ‫- My life is an open book. It has to be.
‫What I love about the column ‫is the way you feel about it.
‫It's mutual. ‫Even if I can't put it in print like you.
‫I am so crazy about you.
‫Me too.
‫I was hoping we could spend ‫the night together
‫but I have an early ‫meeting with the Brooklyn...
‫That's no problem.
‫Rain check؟
‫That Friday night, ‫charlotte threw her "used date party".
‫Hi, you made it!
‫There are so many eligible men here.
‫Hi charlotte, nice apartment. ‫can I get you something to drink؟
‫Yes, immediately, if not sooner.
‫You brought Stanford؟
‫You said to bring a man ‫you're not interested in.
‫You're making a mockery ‫of this party.
‫- carrie, charlotte! ‫- Hi!
‫- This is Jeff Fenton. ‫- Ladies.
‫- How do you do؟ ‫- It's a pleasure.
‫- I'll take your coat. ‫- Take your time.
‫Mingle.
‫Is he the smallest man ‫you've ever seen؟
‫If you'll excuse me ‫I have to meet my eligible guests.
‫I've got to get busy too.
‫- carrie! ‫- Hey, what are you doing here؟
‫I figured, before I finalize the list, ‫I should see what's out there.
‫- How's that list going؟ ‫- Great, fine.
‫I'm guessing ‫that's Samantha's little friend.
‫You gotta go to cuba now. ‫Another year will be too late.
‫can't you get arrested for going؟
‫Fly through canada. ‫They love Americans.
‫- I'll e-mail you some of my pictures. ‫- I'd love to see them.
‫- charlotte, right؟ ‫- Right, and...
‫- Greg Miller. ‫- very nice to meet you, Greg Miller.
‫- Having any luck؟ ‫- Excuse me؟
‫- Meeting someone. ‫- I'm already here with somebody.
‫Yeah, an ex girlfriend, right؟
‫What are you talking about؟
‫Get a clue.
‫- You brought me here to dump me؟ ‫- Not exactly.
‫I thought, maybe you could meet ‫someone your own size.
‫Sweetheart, give me an hour in bed, ‫you'll swear I'm the Jolly Green Giant.
‫- Really؟ ‫- I'm the best you've ever had.
‫She felt so politically incorrect ‫about dumping a man for his height.
‫She felt she had to sleep with him.
‫Fine. Let's go.
‫oK, I'm ready to go. ‫There's nobody here for us.
‫Speak for yourself.
‫If these guys are in their thirties ‫and these women don't want them,
‫there might just be ‫a little something for me.
‫Talk to you tomorrow.
‫Hi.
‫I'm an adventure travel junkie. I took ‫the year off after business school.
‫Trekked the old spice trail in Asia.
‫Talking to Greg, charlotte felt ‫like she had unearthed a rare coin
‫that some other woman ‫had discarded.
‫This is my ex, Belinda Peters, ‫she hooked me up on this thing.
‫You must be a friend of Karen's. ‫Thanks for bringing this great man.
‫You're welcome. ‫can I talk to you for a minute؟
‫Sure. Excuse me.
‫Bye. Thanks for coming.
‫once Melinda saw ‫Greg talking to another woman,
‫he suddenly looked ‫all shiny and new again.
‫That night, Jeff proved to Samantha
‫that he more than made up ‫for his shortcomings.
‫Samantha told us later it was like ‫having sex with a horny smurf.
‫Meanwhile, across town, Steve was ‫busy stuffing Miranda's ballot box.
‫You know, I'm not looking for a quick ‫answer in the monogamy thing.
‫It's probably something ‫that's got to happen on its own.
‫It's just that I wanted you ‫to know how I feel.
‫You're the best woman I've ever met.
‫I want you to know... to know that.
‫I love you, Miranda. ‫I really do.
‫Steve had just said the one big ‫pro that outweighed all the cons.
‫Later that week, Samantha put her ‫heels away and gave Jeff a chance.
‫Little boy's room. ‫I'll be right back.
‫Samantha was stunned.
‫It was one thing to date a man ‫who went to the little boy's room.
‫Another to date one who still shopped ‫at the little boy's department.
‫Samantha!
‫I'm not feeling very well. ‫I've got to go. Goodnight.
‫Wait, I'll take you.
‫I'm not really sick. Look, Jeff...
‫I can't do this. It's not a good idea. ‫I don't want to lead you on.
‫Lead me on؟ ‫You came five times the other night.
‫- It's not really that... ‫- Then, what؟
‫What happened ‫in the past five minutes؟
‫- You shop at the boy's department. ‫- So, what؟
‫The clothes fit me better, ‫plus they're cheaper.
‫Where do you shop, ‫the big and tall whore store؟
‫You're nothing but a big dick ‫with a little man attached.
‫You're nothing but a big pair of tits, ‫with too much extra leg room.
‫Surprisingly, Samantha had found ‫what she was really looking for.
‫And it had nothing to do with size.
‫Somebody get me a booster chair.
‫She'd found a man who made ‫her laugh. They dated for two weeks.
‫Though he was short, it was ‫a long relationship for Samantha.
‫That night, parched and nervous, ‫I spent another night with Bill.
‫- Man, that was great. ‫- Yes, it was.
‫come on, let's take a shower.
‫come on, get in while it's hot.
‫- can I talk to you about something؟ ‫- oK.
‫I've been giving this peeing thing ‫a lot of thought,
‫and while I think it's totally fine ‫that that's what you're into, I just...
‫It's just never really been my thing.
‫oh, yeah؟
‫Yeah, so I thought instead, ‫maybe you could close your eyes
‫and I could dribble warm tea on you. ‫That might feel good.
‫or... maybe...
‫you might think it's fun...
‫to hear the sound of running water ‫when we have sex.
‫And, if things got really serious ‫between us, I could...
‫maybe, even, leave the bathroom door ‫open sometime.
‫Although, I'm really not sure how ‫comfortable I'd be with that either.
‫You know, there's something ‫I want to tell you too.
‫Some people connected ‫with the campaign read your column...
‫and they had a different take on it.
‫- What does that mean؟ ‫- They said it was funny and clever,
‫but that it was a lot about sex.
‫They don't think I should date ‫a sex columnist before the election.
‫They thought it was kind of seamy.
‫Wait a second, I may write about sex, ‫but you like people to pee on you.
‫Yeah, but nobody knows about that.
‫I realized that politics had entered ‫my bedroom as well as my bathroom.
‫I decided that my bravest political act ‫would be to tell the truth.
‫I didn't use his real name. ‫It was much more political not to.