‫۳۰۳ - Attack Of The ۵'۱۰'' Woman
‫There are fewthings ‫I love as much as Sunday brunch.
‫You can sleep till noon
‫and still get eggs ‫anywhere in the city.
‫Alcohol is often included.
‫And it's the one day
‫you get the single woman's ‫- sports' pages
‫"The New York Times" ‫wedding section.
‫This is so depressing.
‫The oldest woman on this page is ۲۷.
‫Now I'm depressed
‫and I haven't had coffee yet.
‫At least you have a boyfriend.
‫That only means I'm getting laid.
‫On a regular basis.
‫I'll drink to that.
‫Until recently, the bride, ۲۴,
‫worked as a supervisor
‫at Ogilvy & Mather. ۲۴!
‫No more reading aloud.
‫I love how they say "until recently".
‫Meaning she quit her job
‫once she found her soul ‫mate /investment banker.
‫It's so retro. ‫I've got a rock on my finger.
‫Now I can stop pretending ‫to care about my career.
‫Until recently, the bride had a life ‫of her own.
‫You know who they marry؟ ‫The roman numeral guys.
‫- Charles Duffy Anderson IV. ‫- Ding, ding, ding.
‫The higher the number, ‫the worse the sex.
‫- I dated a lll. He couldn't get it up. ‫- How bad must Henry Vlll have been!
‫You give him head, he cuts yours off!
‫This couple met on a bike tour.
‫I just make it through spinning. ‫All the men are gay.
‫It's amazing how upset women get ‫over the marital status of strangers.
‫- What was that؟ ‫- Nothing.
‫- Let me see. ‫- Nothing to see.
‫You're such a bad liar.
‫Then there's ‫the occasional familiar face.
‫Well, it's official. He's married. ‫Where are my fries؟
‫It's fine, all right؟ ‫I was prepared for this.
‫They had an engagement party ‫at the Plaza.
‫- Sometimes they break off. ‫- This one didn't. Let's move on.
‫Why is their wedding like ‫a short story؟ What's next, a movie؟
‫It's fluff, it's PR. ‫Anybody could be this story.
‫Anybody who's getting married.
‫This is what I hate ‫about "The Sunday Times".
‫This and the country houses ‫I can't afford.
‫- You want to rent a movie؟ ‫- It's OK. I'm not gonna slit my wrists.
‫I just thought ‫you might want some company.
‫You know what؟ ‫I think I want to be alone.
‫- OK, I'm just gonna take the paper. ‫- Would you stop؟
‫I know what you're gonna do. ‫You can't not read it.
‫You'll cry and it'll be awful. ‫Let's read it now and get it over with.
‫The couple met in Paris, ‫on the lle St-Louis.
‫How original, they fell in love in Paris.
‫"I was alone at a cafe when the waiter ‫brought over a bottle of Pinot Noir
‫"from a handsome man at the bar", ‫the bride said, her eyes sparkling.
‫"When we'd finished the wine, ‫I knew I wanted to marry him. "
‫You were drunk and he was ‫rich. This is just bad journalism.
‫Marry they did, in Southampton ‫at the bride's parents' estate.
‫There were only ۵۰ guests.
‫"We wanted it intimate. ‫Just family and close friends. "
‫- And "The New York Times". ‫- How intimate is that؟
‫I don't hear Big ‫anywhere in this article.
‫She's calling the shots ‫and he's just along for the ride.
‫The bride carried calla lilies, ‫tied with a red ribbon.
‫That's nice.
‫As she walked down the aisle
‫a saxophone played ‫"When A Man Loves A Woman".
‫Well, that's tacky.
‫No, that's Big.
‫What I wouldn't give ‫for a working fireplace.
‫- He wasn't the right man for you. ‫- I know that.
‫I know, it's not him. ‫It's the whole wedding.
‫And it's her... her!
‫You know, she's just...
‫you know, shiny hair, ‫style section... Vera Wang.
‫And I'm the sex column they run ‫next to ads for penile implants.
‫Big wasn't the only one ‫taking the plunge.
‫After more than a decade ‫of domestic independence,
‫Miranda had opened up ‫to a relationship...
‫Good morning.
‫with a cleaning lady....
‫Good morning, Magda.
‫Do you know where ‫the coffee mugs are؟
‫I moved them here.
‫- Now all glasses are together. ‫- I guess that makes more sense.
‫You know what؟ I always drink coffee ‫out of my law school class of '۹۰ mug,
‫because it's bigger, and... ‫It's just what I always use.
‫I bring you nice herbal teas. ‫Tea is better for you.
‫Oh, thank you very much, ‫but I prefer coffee.
‫Thank you.
‫- Why do I have a rolling pin؟ ‫- It's for you to make pies.
‫It's good for women to make pies.
‫- Do you have a rolling pin؟ ‫- On me؟
‫- In your kitchen؟ ‫- I use my oven for storage.
‫My cleaning lady brought me one. ‫She couldn't believe I didn't have one.
‫I can't believe ‫you have a cleaning lady.
‫Don't even start. ‫I feel guilty enough.
‫I hate being home when she is. ‫I feel like if I'm home,
‫I should be cleaning or making pies. ‫She says that's what women do.
‫Where did you find her, ‫in a time capsule؟
‫I know. I don't need to make pies.
‫I'm practically a partner in a major ‫lawfirm. If I want pie, I can buy it.
‫I think I need this in a smaller size.
‫I'll get it for you, just hand it out, ‫there's no need...
‫Carrie؟
‫And there she was, ‫Mrs. Big, all five foot ten of her.
‫Hey... Hi, Natasha.
‫I heard... I read...
‫Congratulations on the thing, ‫on the wedding.
‫This is Miranda, we're shopping.
‫- Hi. ‫- Nice to meet you.
‫That looks nice, ‫what you have on there.
‫You think؟
‫I need something for this "Women In ‫The Arts" luncheon I helped organize.
‫- I'm on the steering committee. ‫- Really؟ I'm a member.
‫You know, I write, ‫so I am a woman in the arts.
‫I go to that lunch every year...
‫in clothes....
‫- So, you're going then؟ ‫- Yeah, I'm going.
‫- Great, I'll see you there. ‫- All right.
‫Oh, my God.
‫- Now, I can't find the invitation. ‫- Why did you say you'd go؟
‫I've talked to her twice, once in ‫a cowboy hat, and once in my bra.
‫Like freakin' ‫Annie-get-your-clothes-on.
‫I would just like her ‫to see me looking normal.
‫- Just normal؟ ‫- I would prefer to look amazing.
‫Not like I'm trying, ‫just effortlessly striking.
‫I see. And will Big be at this event؟
‫It's a "Women In The Arts" luncheon. ‫It's not about Big, it's about Natasha.
‫It seems to be a lot of trouble ‫for a woman.
‫Can you help me find out ‫when and where it is؟
‫I can do better than that, ‫I'm coming too.
‫So, you support women in the arts؟
‫I support you, and these bitches need ‫to be put in their places.
‫That night I modeled my wardrobe ‫in my head and vetoed everything.
‫Why did I care so much؟
‫What was it about Natasha that ‫made me feel like the charity case؟
‫Was it just that she had Big, ‫or was this bigger than Big؟
‫I started to wonder. ‫Are there women in New York
‫just there to make us feel bad ‫about ourselves؟
‫For Miranda, that woman ‫was a certain Ukrainian housekeeper.
‫- You're early. ‫- Yes, good morning.
‫Did you bring me this؟
‫It's gift, to make your bathroom nicer.
‫Thanks. Did you move my hairdryer؟ ‫It used to be under the sink.
‫In the middle drawer. ‫Last week I organize for you.
‫No, that drawer ‫doesn't need organizing.
‫Magda had discovered Miranda's ‫"goodie-drawer".
‫I have a boyfriend, so it's not like ‫I'm sleeping with lots of different men.
‫For a long time there was no guy ‫and that's why I have the other thing.
‫- OK. ‫- You like this boyfriend؟
‫- Yes. ‫- You want to marry this man؟
‫I don't know.
‫Everybody wants to get married. ‫I am married ۲۸ years.
‫Well, we'll see. ‫I don't know if I want to get married.
‫God bless you.
‫I don't need you to bless me.
‫I don't need God to bless me. ‫I'm fine with my life as it is.
‫It's like I hired my mother.
‫Manhattan has spas, where a woman ‫can pay to feel good about herself.
‫I can't believe she opened ‫your goodie-drawer.
‫Everybody knows ‫the night-stand is private.
‫- What do you have in there؟ ‫- The usual, condoms, vibrator...
‫- Massage oil, cigarettes. ‫- Nipple clamps.
‫- Really؟ ‫- Not for me, for them.
‫That's freakish.
‫What's in your goodie-drawer, ‫Robert's "Rules Of Order"؟
‫- I don't have a goodie-drawer. ‫- Everybody has one.
‫- I've got a goodie-closet. ‫- I don't need to know what's in it.
‫Ditto. Nipple clamps ‫will suffice for today.
‫I'm not in the mood for steam, ‫it's too hot.
‫Then take off your towel, relax.
‫I don't feel like being relaxed in here.
‫There goes a woman who desperately ‫needs a goodie-drawer.
‫Charlotte؟
‫- What's wrong؟ ‫- I was just hot.
‫OK, and...
‫And... I'm just not comfortable ‫being naked in public.
‫This isn't really public, ‫it's a ladies' locker-room.
‫- I didn't grow up in a naked house. ‫- I didn't either.
‫I bet she grew up in a naked house.
‫She might still live in a naked house.
‫Sweetie, who cares how you look ‫to other women.
‫You have a perfect body.
‫You're deluded.
‫Charlotte, you have a beautiful figure.
‫- Really؟ ‫- Yes!
‫Why was that women looking at me ‫like my thighs were too big؟
‫Samantha always felt ‫good about herself.
‫But after her ۸۰-minute massage, ‫she felt even better.
‫I just had the most intense massage. ‫Kevin goes down on you.
‫Samantha's was good, ‫but not that good.
‫- Are you serious؟ ‫- He's incredible. You should try him.
‫Samantha smiled,
‫but a woman with a goodie-closet ‫doesn't need to pay for head.
‫Celia!
‫- Forgot your key. ‫- Thanks, Kevin.
‫Then again, you can never have ‫too many massages.
‫Samantha immediately ‫got on the wait list
‫for Kevin's ‫next available appointment.
‫That night, Steve wasn't available. ‫Miranda chose the next best thing.
‫Magda was not only cleaning, ‫she was performing an exorcism.
‫Later that week, I had a religious ‫experience at Manolo Blahnik.
‫I need your opinion.
‫You can't afford them؟
‫Can I get you something؟
‫I'll have that incredibly rich-looking, ‫flourless chocolate thing.
‫- And a cafe au lait. ‫- I'll have a fruit cup.
‫- Now you're making me feel bad. ‫- No, get what you want.
‫This place has the best desserts. ‫The point of coming is to splurge.
‫That was a splurge. ‫Fruit has a lot of carbs.
‫Is there a new "Zone" book out؟
‫I hate my thighs.
‫The problem is not your thighs. ‫The problem is your head.
‫Now... About the shoes.
‫Hold on...
‫I need these for the WITA luncheon.
‫The heels are almost high enough ‫to put me face to face with Natasha,
‫if Natasha wears flats. ‫But why would she wear flats؟
‫Do they make the right statement؟
‫What statement ‫do you want to make؟
‫I am beautiful, powerful and don't care ‫you're only ۲۵, and married my ex.
‫I thought you didn't have a complex ‫about your looks.
‫It's not a complex. ‫It's a Natasha specific obsession,
‫which will be over when she sees me, ‫at the benefit, looking fabulous,
‫in these shoes and a dress from ‫Bergdorf's that'll cost a month's rent.
‫Listen to you. ‫You don't have to prove anything.
‫You are stunning, intelligent ‫and funny. And what is she؟
‫Married, that's all.
‫You could go to that luncheon, ‫wearing that,
‫and still be the most ‫incredible woman in the room.
‫Wow! ‫Why can't you do that for yourself؟
‫That afternoon, ‫Charlotte faced her fear.
‫I'd kill for your breasts.
‫Meanwhile, Samantha had spent ‫the last half hour face-down,
‫picturing Kevin's face down on her.
‫- Is this pressure OK؟ ‫- Oh, yes. That is just fine.
‫Ready to turn over now؟
‫I most certainly am.
‫- Is this OK؟ ‫- Yes.
‫Is this OK؟
‫Yes.
‫Since they were running out of time, ‫she took the matter in her own hands.
‫Is this OK؟
‫Apparently, it wasn't.
‫What kind of person ‫does such a thing؟
‫To molest a trained professional ‫while he is trying to do his job.
‫Helena Rubinstein is ‫a civilized place, for civilized people.
‫I'm sorry, I can't allow you ‫to come back here.
‫I have to protect my staff.
‫Clearly, she meant Kevin's staff.
‫This isn't my fault.
‫I know that Kevin ‫went down on another customer,
‫and that's why ‫I booked the appointment.
‫The following Monday, Samantha ‫and I were the definition of civilized.
‫We officially became ‫ladies who luncheon.
‫It was entrapment, false advertising ‫and blatant discrimination.
‫You can't go down on one ‫and not the other.
‫I paid good money, ‫expecting to be eaten out.
‫This is not the conversation I wish ‫to have as my most amazing self.
‫- Do you see her؟ ‫- No...
‫But I do see Wendy Wasserstein ‫and Gloria Steinem.
‫- Believe me, you look stunning. ‫- You know what؟ I believe you.
‫Hello Mimi, Ms Carrie Bradshaw, ‫and Ms Samantha Jones.
‫I'm a member, ‫I just haven't been to an event, ever.
‫It's Bradshaw.
‫Here you are. ‫Wear your name tags.
‫Last year we had an incident ‫with Joyce Carol Oates.
‫I'm not sure the "Hello, my name is" ‫goes with the ensemble.
‫Hello, my name is Fabulous.
‫Oh, Natasha's not here yet.
‫- Natasha's not coming. ‫- What؟
‫She's got a cold, ‫and didn't want to get everybody sick.
‫Here are your drink tickets.
‫I can't believe that bitch ‫is a no-show.
‫I'm the one who's sick. ‫Charged another outfit I can't afford.
‫Maybe bounced a cheque to charity, ‫just to prove I'm amazing.
‫I've never felt less so. ‫Let's just go.
‫I've paid $۸۵, we're having our drinks. ‫What do you feel like؟
‫- Loser on the rocks؟ ‫- Give me those tickets.
‫Who is this and what's she doing ‫in my bedroom؟
‫Virgin Mary.
‫- And where's my other thing؟ ‫- What thing؟
‫You know, the thing. ‫Don't make me say it.
‫The thing you replaced with this lady.
‫Bathroom, middle drawer. ‫Next to hairdryer.
‫No man will marry you if that is by ‫your bed. It says you don't need him.
‫What I don't need is another mother.
‫I have one in Philadelphia, ‫and that's close enough.
‫I need a housekeeper, ‫who will clean my apartment
‫and stop judging because I'm a ۳۴ ‫year old, single woman in New York.
‫I drink coffee, have sex, buy pies ‫and enjoy battery-operated devices.
‫If you can't deal with that, ‫I will find a housekeeper who can.
‫I also head the committee to match ‫mentors with underprivileged children.
‫It'd be wonderful if you'd be willing ‫to work with kids who want to write.
‫I write about sex.
‫Is that something they'd like to learn؟ ‫Writing about blow jobs؟
‫We can always use help ‫in fundraising.
‫Carrie, this is Jenna.
‫- Hi, Jenna. ‫- Nice to meet you.
‫Jenna went to college with Natasha. ‫Go ahead, tell her what you told me.
‫OK, well, Natasha lived in my dorm, ‫freshmen year at Tulane.
‫Once, she showered with a guy ‫in the community bathroom.
‫And...
‫And she gained like ten pounds, ‫sophomore year.
‫Wow.
‫Ten pounds. ‫Thanks, Jenna.
‫Merry Christmas.
‫That's supposed ‫to make me feel better؟
‫Six years ago ‫she had a weight problem؟
‫It's something.
‫You had to love her for trying.
‫Samantha tried to make me feel good ‫by making Natasha sound bad,
‫but it only made me feel worse.
‫- Another drink؟ ‫- Another one and I'll lose my lunch.
‫When you get home you'll smile ‫because she was a porker in college.
‫Ten pounds does not a porker make.
‫- You're Samantha Jones. ‫- Yes. We met at Helena Rubinstein.
‫Katy, Leisle, look who's here. ‫The woman who got Kevin fired.
‫Thanks a lot!
‫- Yeah, thanks. ‫- Who's gonna fuck me now؟
‫Kevin fucked you؟
‫Turns out I wasn't the kind of member ‫those women in the arts needed.
‫That night, in her spotless apartment, ‫Miranda knew she'd been right
‫to take a stand ‫because of her night-stand.
‫Magda realized that single women ‫in New York never make pies,
‫but they sometimes make guys.
‫A few weeks later, I got something ‫in the mail from Women In The Arts.
‫It was a "Thank you for attending", ‫signed by Natasha.
‫Game over. I had to accept that in life, ‫some women are simply better.
‫No amount of shoes, or lack of pastry ‫or making of pies will change that.
‫I will never be the woman ‫with the perfect hair,
‫who can wear white and not spill on it.
‫And chair committees, ‫and write thank you notes.
‫And I can't feel bad about that.
‫"Sorry I couldn't be their. "
‫T-H-E-I-R.
‫But I could feel good about this.
‫Miranda, it's good she got married. ‫The woman's an idiot.