‫۳۰۴ - Boy, Girl, Boy, Girl
‫It's been said that New Yorkers
‫are the most jaded people ‫in the world.
‫The fact is we've done and seen it all.
‫So when Charlotte ‫said that her new show
‫at the gallery would blow us away,
‫we took it with the proverbial grain ‫of salt.
‫Seriously, that's a woman؟
‫It was the latest installation ‫from photographer Baird Johnson,
‫- entitled "Drag Kings
‫"The collision of illusion and reality".
‫Yep, that's a woman.
‫Look at that bulge, it's shocking.
‫Hurry up and look ‫before Giuliani shuts it down.
‫- What do you think؟ ‫- It's amazing.
‫Congratulations.
‫Women dressed as men are popular.
‫I thought it was "Pokemon".
‫All it takes is stick-on ‫sideburns and a sock in your pants.
‫That's some sock.
‫I've always had a thing for cowboys.
‫Reminder, John Wayne is a Jane.
‫I'm attracted to her. ‫Maybe I'm a lesbian.
‫I dated a guy who liked to wear ‫my underwear.
‫But I've never gone the other way.
‫If you're gay you can wear ‫everyone's underwear.
‫That's hygienic؟
‫Being a drag king would be fun.
‫I have enough trouble trying to be ‫a woman in a man's world,
‫without being a woman ‫pretending to be a man.
‫You wouldn't have to wax.
‫If you change your mind,
‫you've got cop written all over you.
‫- Am I rich yet؟ ‫- Getting there.
‫Everyone. This is Baird, the artist.
‫These are my friends.
‫What inspired you to do this؟
‫I feel we have dual powers ‫within each of us.
‫Men can be very female, ‫and women can be very male.
‫Gender's an illusion. ‫Sometimes a very beautiful illusion.
‫You know, ‫I'm gonna go and get a canape.
‫Because, I'm starved, so...
‫Not that a canape is a meal. ‫But, you know... in a pinch.
‫Excuse us.
‫What was that about؟ ‫Nobody loves canapes that much.
‫He makes me nervous. ‫I think he is...
‫- Ask him out. ‫- I can never make the first move.
‫Sounds like someone needs ‫a sock in the pants.
‫I'll drag myself home. ‫You wanna share a cab؟
‫No, I'm meeting Sean.
‫- The young guy؟ ‫- He's not that young.
‫He's ۲۶. His generation ‫has a different letter than ours.
‫Who cares؟ Age is an illusion.
‫- Good night. ‫- Good night.
‫Later, Miranda found her apartment
‫had undergone ‫its own gender transformation.
‫What are you doing here؟
‫I got a key from when I fed your cat. ‫I ordered us Chinese.
‫I didn't think ‫we were seeing each other tonight.
‫- Planning on seeing the other boy؟ ‫- Now you've ruined that...
‫This is what we're watching؟
‫Give me that.
‫Easy, you're making my brain hurt.
‫Don't you have to work tonight؟
‫Not until ۱۰:۰۰. ‫I've got stuff here I can change into.
‫Right.
‫But I got till ۱۰:۰۰.
‫Miranda loved the man inside of her.
‫She just didn't love him inside ‫her apartment all the time.
‫Come on, the ice waits for no woman.
‫I'm practicing my triple salchow ‫in my head.
‫I was dragged around by Sean, ‫my "generation-something-else" date.
‫We met at a party, celebrating a new ‫Internet magazine Sean was running
‫that I still couldn't find ‫on my computer.
‫Seriously, stop!
‫It's easier to balance ‫when you're not smoking.
‫Smoking is the only thing ‫that keeps me balanced.
‫Doesn't this place rock؟
‫You have to give me credit ‫for an original date.
‫It's not officially a date ‫without cocktails.
‫My coach is gonna kill me.
‫Half a flask later, Sean and I had ‫broken the ice... at least my ass had.
‫- That last fall was at least a ۹.۲. ‫- You and the Russian judge... tough.
‫There was something about him. ‫He was sexy, charming... coordinated.
‫Nothing about him ‫or our third date felt typical.
‫When was your last ‫serious relationship؟
‫Until then... there it was. ‫The inevitable third-date question.
‫Bad question؟
‫You wanna take another spin ‫around the death rink؟
‫No, it's fine. It's fine.
‫I ended something a while ago.
‫Two years of a lot of back and forths. ‫We weren't Y۲K compatible.
‫What about you؟
‫Before you there was Kayla. ‫Neurotic. Lasted a year.
‫Before her, Lesley, couldn't commit. ‫Before Lesley there was Mark.
‫Is that a problem؟
‫He's a bisexual.
‫I could have told you that. ‫He took you ice-skating.
‫The weird thing is he was so open.
‫"Hi. I'm a bisexual. " ‫Like, "Hi, I'm from Colorado".
‫You're not allowed ‫to be bisexual in Colorado.
‫"Is that a problem؟" ‫What kind of question is that؟
‫- Of course! ‫- What did you say؟
‫That it wasn't a problem. ‫He's such a good kisser.
‫That generation ‫is all about sexual experimentation.
‫All the kids are going bi.
‫If they all jump off a bridge, ‫you will too؟
‫I'm a "try-sexual". ‫I'll try anything once.
‫When did this happen؟ ‫When did the sexes get all confused؟
‫Somewhere between Gen X and Y, ‫they blended and made XY.
‫I did the "date the bisexual guy" ‫thing in college.
‫- They all ended up with men. ‫- So did the bisexual women.
‫Which is why there ‫are no men left for us.
‫Maybe I do have a problem ‫with this. I'm an old fart.
‫Correction: A hot old fart.
‫I'm not even sure bisexuality exists.
‫It's just a layover ‫on the way to Gaytown.
‫Isn't that next to Ricky Martinville؟
‫It's great. He's open to all sexual ‫experiences. He's evolved. It's hot.
‫It's greedy. ‫He's double-dipping.
‫You're not marrying him, you're ‫making out with him. Forget the label.
‫You're right.
‫I'm very into labels. Gay. Straight. ‫Pick a side and stay there.
‫Where are you going؟
‫Home. I've got a date ‫with my remote control.
‫Steve's playing basketball. ‫That's three hours of alone time.
‫- What about my problem؟ ‫- Stop kissing him.
‫Easy for her to say.
‫That night, I couldn't get ‫Samantha's words out of my head.
‫Was Sean's generation ‫on to something؟
‫Was sexual flipping ‫the wave of the future؟
‫If it was, could I play that game ‫or was I over the hill؟
‫If women can transform into men, ‫and men into women
‫and we can sleep with everyone,
‫then maybe gender ‫doesn't exist anymore.
‫If we can take the best ‫of the other sex and make it our own,
‫has the opposite sex ‫become obsolete؟
‫Don't bust my balls. If you're a ‫head-hunter, get me a good assistant.
‫- Yeah؟ ‫- I'm looking for a Mrs. Jones.
‫- It's Miss. ‫- I'm here for the assistant job.
‫Please, come in.
‫Samantha hired Matt ‫five minutes later.
‫She was the man of the office, ‫but she could fit one more.
‫Meanwhile downtown, Charlotte ‫could have used some help herself.
‫Someone is being industrious.
‫Hi. I didn't hear you come in.
‫I thought I'd come by ‫and scare the shit out of you.
‫Pick up my cheque ‫for the pieces I sold.
‫- Here. ‫- Thanks.
‫There's something else. ‫I've been thinking about this.
‫I would love you to pose for me.
‫- As a man؟ ‫- Yeah, you'd be great.
‫- No, I don't think so. ‫- Why not؟
‫- I'm not... ‫- A model؟
‫No, butch.
‫You'd be surprised. ‫Every woman has a male inside.
‫Even you.
‫No, not me.
‫I'm really bad at math and I can't ‫change a tire to save my life.
‫Pose for me. ‫I'll get it out of you.
‫Come on, be a man.
‫The next night, Sean and I went to a ‫club so new, even I hadn't heard of it.
‫- What's the name of this place؟ ‫- "Hair".
‫- Like the musical. ‫- Like the stuff on your head.
‫- You're too cool for me. ‫- You're too cute for me.
‫Ten seconds of kissing and I almost ‫forgot his lack of sexual orientation.
‫Until we stopped kissing.
‫Who are you checking out, ‫the guy or the girl؟
‫I was looking for the bathroom.
‫Oh. Sorry. I'm sorry.
‫Sorry, this whole bisexual thing ‫is throwing me for a loop.
‫You've been with men and women...
‫Were you just looking at that guy؟
‫I'm looking at you.
‫I'm with you. I dig you.
‫- "Dig" is in again؟ ‫- So is "groovy". You're that too.
‫So, you're not gay؟
‫I've been in three major relationships. ‫One was a guy. That's just me.
‫An hour later, Sean was in my bed.
‫That's just me.
‫- Nice floor. ‫- Thanks. It's a rental.
‫- What؟ ‫- Nothing.
‫Tell me or I'll make you ‫go skating again.
‫- Do I kiss better than a guy؟ ‫- Better than any I've kissed.
‫How about me؟
‫- Top two per cent. ‫- I'll take that.
‫If there was this good-looking guy ‫walking towards you
‫and across the street ‫was a beautiful girl, which one...
‫Carrie, come on.
‫Could you stop making this ‫all about sex؟
‫It's not. It's about the person... you.
‫I'm crazy about you.
‫The way you smell.
‫The way your upper lip tastes.
‫It may not have been all about sex, ‫but it was for the next two hours.
‫I wasn't the only one ‫with younger men on the brain.
‫Listen to me. We've called ‫your boss three times already.
‫Give him that message.
‫Hello. ‫What are you doing؟
‫- That is not how I do business. ‫- She makes me crazy.
‫These are important clients. ‫Don't talk to them like that.
‫You want them to call you؟
‫Let me remind you ‫that I am the boss here.
‫Fire me. I just think ‫you deserve some respect.
‫Put this file away.
‫Samantha found Matt's boyish ‫arrogance annoying,
‫unprofessional... and incredibly hot.
‫Miranda was having a problem ‫sharing a space with the other sex.
‫What؟
‫- What's going on؟ ‫- You're on my side.
‫My pillow. ‫My guest pillow.
‫OK, I'll tell you what.
‫Tomorrow we'll buy some paint ‫and draw a line down the middle.
‫Go to sleep.
‫That pile. Your stuff. ‫You have to keep it neater.
‫Maybe if you can spare a drawer ‫I can keep my things out of the way.
‫You want a drawer؟
‫Actually...
‫I'd like to move in.
‫Most single women ‫dream of this moment.
‫Most single women but Miranda.
‫Wow! OK.
‫Where did that come from؟
‫I've been thinking about it.
‫We have a great time. ‫We're practically live together...
‫Yeah, but we're not.
‫Look.
‫We just started dating again.
‫There is no need to go at warp speed. ‫Nobody's dying.
‫I'm sure every book ‫would say we're not ready.
‫You're here all the time.
‫No problem. I'll get out of your hair. ‫I'll leave the key.
‫No! Don't leave the key. ‫Take the key.
‫I just... I need my space. ‫I feel like I'm being suffocated.
‫Jesus, Miranda...
‫It's like you're the guy sometimes.
‫Faced with relationship problems, ‫some women turn to fried food.
‫Miranda turned to the latest fitness ‫craze - "The Goddess Workout".
‫Ladies, open up your chakras. ‫Let the inner goddess sing.
‫She's in there. ‫All you have to do is let her out.
‫- This helps you to be a woman؟ ‫- I must find my inner goddess.
‫And pop your hip. Pop your hip.
‫Open yourself like a lotus flower.
‫Come on, pop your hip.
‫Pop your hip.
‫- My hips don't pop, I'm a guy. ‫- You're insane.
‫This isn't helping me find my inner ‫goddess, only my inner humiliation.
‫And reach back. ‫Reach for the stars.
‫We're out of here.
‫I'm never gonna be a girly girl. ‫I never will.
‫- I'll never be a lotus flower. ‫- Thank God.
‫A girly girl would want ‫her boyfriend to move in.
‫She also wears make-up to the gym.
‫And makes little hearts ‫above her "i's".
‫I do love him... I do.
‫- I know. ‫- What's my problem؟
‫In any relationship ‫one person is the alpha dog.
‫The one in charge... that's you. ‫You don't like sharing your water dish.
‫- I'm very free with the chew toys. ‫- That you are.
‫Miranda arrived home later ‫to an empty apartment.
‫And for the first time, ‫she really didn't like it.
‫While Miranda and I worked out ‫our inner goddesses,
‫Baird was working the male ‫out of Charlotte.
‫You look great.
‫I'm sorry, I can't do this.
‫Just relax. Let it go. ‫Forget Charlotte.
‫You're a man now. You're a hot guy. ‫You can get any woman you want.
‫You're rich, you're powerful. ‫You eat guys like me for lunch.
‫How are you feeling now؟
‫I think I need a bigger sock.
‫I think you do, too.
‫Better؟
‫Much.
‫Who knows whether it was the sock ‫or the suit or Baird.
‫Charlotte wasn't just a chick with ‫a dick, she was a chick with balls.
‫The two alpha dogs at Samantha's ‫were not getting along as well.
‫These invitations need to go ‫to the printers ASAP.
‫I'll get to it.
‫Now. Drop them at ۷۲nd Street ‫then pick up lunch.
‫They're in opposite directions. ‫I'll get lunch first.
‫- Invitations first. ‫- Fine, then I'll be an hour late.
‫Do you realize you're my assistant؟
‫Your job is to do what I say.
‫- I know what I'm doing. ‫- And I know better.
‫- Say's who؟ ‫- Me.
‫- Who do you think you are؟ ‫- Your boss.
‫Samantha Jones' PR.
‫I don't know when she will. ‫She's been busy.
‫You have a shitty attitude too. ‫And your parties suck.
‫The bad news is, you're fired.
‫The good news is... ‫now I can fuck you.
‫The only place Samantha and Matt ‫worked well together was in bed.
‫Fuck me on the desk.
‫- On the chair. ‫- No, on the desk.
‫With Sam on top, naturally.
‫That night, ‫Miranda invited Steve for pasta.
‫- Hi. I'm late. I know I'm late. ‫- It's OK.
‫I was gonna make you dinner,
‫and then this conference call ‫went over two hours.
‫I went to the market. I needed extra ‫virgin olive oil. They only had virgin.
‫I don't know the difference. ‫I don't cook. So I got the stuff in a jar.
‫Don't move. It's glass.
‫I can't. I can't do this.
‫- We'll order pizza, it's no big deal. ‫- It's a big fucking deal.
‫I just spilled Marinara sauce ‫and you saw that. I drop things, OK؟
‫OK. So do I.
‫I do love you. But I've never ‫lived with anybody before.
‫And I'm stubborn. ‫And I like the remote.
‫And I can't cook.
‫I don't do laundry sometimes for ‫two weeks. And my sponges smell.
‫You're gonna see all that. ‫I'm scared.
‫I don't know if I can move forward, ‫but I don't want to lose you.
‫OK.
‫I'm not going anywhere.
‫I'm crying on your shoulder. ‫I guess I really am a woman.
‫A week later, Miranda's man ‫moved into her place.
‫The same day that Charlotte ‫moved her man into her place.
‫She never saw Baird again.
‫She was too embarrassed ‫at how forward she'd been.
‫She might have been that type ‫of guy but never that type of woman.
‫۸۰ blocks downtown, five flights up, ‫Sean and I were almost at the party.
‫One more floor, I promise.
‫If there's no vodka, it's your head.
‫Take it easy, dude, we're here.
‫OK, dude.
‫- Who's party is this؟ ‫- Mark's.
‫Mark, ex-boyfriend Mark؟
‫Is that a problem؟
‫It's his boyfriend's birthday.
‫It was definitely a first.
‫I was attending a party ‫of my boyfriend's ex-boyfriend.
‫And his boyfriend.
‫Carrie, this is Mark ‫and his boyfriend Garth.
‫- Partner. ‫- This is our baby, Isabell.
‫Two "L's", no "E".
‫OK. Happy birthday.
‫- This is Dawn and Grace. ‫- They just got married in Hawaii.
‫Congratulations.
‫- It was a spur of the moment. ‫- I didn't want another big wedding.
‫- It wasn't so bad. ‫- Being married to you sucked.
‫- You two were... ‫- Married. For a year.
‫We were high for most of it, ‫otherwise it would've been miserable.
‫Don't forget I gave you that egg.
‫This is our straight friend, Joel.
‫- Are you wearing pleather؟ ‫- Thank you for noticing.
‫An hour later, ‫I had almost got it straight.
‫Grace once dated Brett.
‫- And Brett used to live with Joel؟ ‫- Semi-platonically.
‫- You slept with Dawn. ‫- Before she was with Mark.
‫Naturally.
‫Gay, bi, straight. This party was ‫a platter of sexual orientation.
‫Time to play.
‫- Play what؟ ‫- Spin the bottle.
‫Seventh grade spin the bottle؟
‫- Play. It's fun. ‫- Come on, it's fun.
‫Get a room.
‫Get a dental dam.
‫- It's a girl. Try again. ‫- It's OK.
‫Of course it was. I was in ‫Alice-In-Confused-Sexuality Land.
‫I had a choice. I could stand up, ‫walk out and prove I was an old fart.
‫Or I could fall down the rabbit hole.
‫So I fell. It wasn't bad. ‫Kind of like chicken.
‫- Where are you going؟ It's your spin. ‫- Just more cigarettes.
‫That was the last night I saw Sean.
‫They could do what they wanted, ‫but I was too old to play this game.
‫So I took my hot, old fart-ass home.
‫That's just me.