‫۳۰۵ - No Ifs, And Or Butts
‫one reason Why people still risk
‫the possible horror of a first date,
‫is the possible magic of ‫the good-night kiss at the front door.
‫I had a great time.
‫so did I.
‫The world slows down for a second
‫as some people take that hopeful lean ‫into a possible future together.
‫All around my mouth.
‫HoW do you think I felt؟
‫His tongue licked my teeth.
‫Did he Wanna fuck you or floss you؟
‫Bad kissers are the worst.
‫The worst. The top of the worst.
‫He has sWeet lips. ‫I thought he,d be a good kisser.
‫You can never tell. They look normal.
‫Until their pointy tongue ‫darts in and out.
‫Pointy tongue, the Worst of the Worst.
‫The Worst is When they expect you
‫to do the Work.
‫Their tongue lays in your mouth
‫like a clam.
‫clam-mouth. That,s the Worst.
‫I,d say... Get it out, put it in a cab ‫and take its lazy ass home....
‫- You,d dump a guy for a bad kiss؟ ‫- You have to.
‫If their tongue just lays there, ‫What is their dick gonna do؟
‫point taken.
‫Maybe We can Work on it.
‫A bad kisser is a non-negotiable.
‫I'm not dumping Brad because of that.
‫Then change his name
‫from Brad to Bad.
‫I like him. well, I did until...
‫Until his tongue ‫Was in your stomach؟
‫can you ladies hold it doWn؟ ‫This is a respectable restaurant.
‫Adeena williams Was my neWspaper,s ‫former food editor.
‫And the chef and oWner of Fusion,
‫Whose specialty Was a mingling ‫of trendy food with soul food.
‫Martha steWart meets ‫Puff Daddy on a plate.
‫poached salmon with okra...
‫Heaven.
‫This time next year, ‫okra will be so fashionable.
‫we are leaving. ‫come and say goodbye.
‫This is my brother, Who brings me ‫tons of music industry business.
‫I gotta go, but I,m sending dessert.
‫- No. ‫- pecan and praline pie.
‫Yes!
‫Didn't we meet at the columbia ‫Records party for Jennifer Lopez؟
‫I don,t think so. My PR firm handled it. ‫I,m sure I,d have remembered you.
‫I guess I just saWyou. ‫chivon williams, I used to rep for...
‫Tommy Boy Records. ‫I remember from the guest list.
‫- You,re good. ‫- samantha Jones, if you need me...
‫for a party.
‫Ladies, I apologize for interrupting. ‫Have a pleasant evening.
‫could he any be cuter؟
‫Gotta love a fella ‫Who loves jeWellery.
‫That is one fine-looking man. ‫I,d like some of that.
‫- Don't talk like that. ‫- Like what؟
‫Relax with the liberal reaction. ‫That's not black talk. It's sex talk.
‫First of all, it isn,t black talk. ‫It,s African-American talk.
‫You shouldn,t be talking like that. ‫It,s rude and politically incorrect.
‫samantha is rude ‫and politically incorrect.
‫- she,s an equal opportunity offender. ‫- Precisely.
‫I don't see color. I see conquests.
‫Talk about affirmative action.
‫The next day I had just settled doWn ‫with a cup of fresh coffee
‫and a coffee table ‫full of fashion magazines, When...
‫- who is it؟ ‫- Mr Right.
‫Have you seen ‫The NeW York Times... style section؟...
‫I can't handle hard news before noon.
‫There,s a beautiful man doWntoWn, ‫selling furniture. we,re going.
‫I got a Whole afternoon planned ‫with Australian... vogue....
‫I,m not gonna drop everything ‫to go to see some cute guy.
‫- He,s straight. ‫- I,ll get my purse.
‫People with nothing better to do ‫than ogle some craftsman. Pathetic.
‫Look at this place. ‫Nothing but baguettes and faggots.
‫If you see anything you like, say ‫you,re a designer. You get a discount.
‫- I got $۵۰ off my end table. ‫- You,re a classy guy.
‫His name was Aidan shaw.
‫He Was Warm, masculine and ‫classic American. Like his furniture.
‫The dog is overkill.
‫- Go get him. ‫- Excuse me؟
‫He,s perfect for you. I,ll visit you ‫and the kids at your cabin up state.
‫we,re staring. Look aWay.
‫His name Was Marty Mendleson.
‫He Was Warm, stylish and classic gay. ‫Like his outfit.
‫He,s a designer. ‫And single.
‫Go get him. I,ll come visit you ‫in your cabin up state.
‫Hey, doggie. Hi.
‫Bad doggie. DoWn.
‫Pete, there you go.
‫You should get him a cheWtoy.
‫To his credit, ‫he picks the best-looking ladies.
‫You can,t imagine hoWflattered I am.
‫- I'm Aidan. ‫- I'm humiliated.
‫I shouldn't let him run loose ‫in the store.
‫This is your store؟ ‫I had no idea.
‫when I heard the lie come out ‫of my mouth, I kneW I Was interested.
‫- This is a beautiful chair. ‫- This is my favorite piece.
‫You say that about every piece, right؟
‫Not really. ‫This leather is about ۱۰۰ years old.
‫I stripped it off ‫an old railroad car seat. Feel this.
‫- soft؟ ‫- I,ll take it.
‫I Wasn,t really in the market ‫for a leather chair.
‫But I had to have ‫Whatever it Was I just felt.
‫I,m a designer. carrie BradshaW. ‫carrie BradshaW Designs.
‫Let,s see. with the designer discount ‫and dog humiliation factor...
‫How's that؟
‫- How soon can it be delivered؟ ‫- End of the week.
‫In NeW York city retail lingo, ‫that meant... I like you too....
‫where do you Want it delivered ‫and can I take you out for dinner؟
‫will you knock another $۱۰ off؟
‫The dog humping aside, it Was one of ‫those perfect NeW York saturdays.
‫I'm back!
‫At Miranda,s, steve Was having ‫an even better saturday.
‫- Guess What happened؟ It,s so great! ‫- what؟
‫You knoW at the Knicks game,
‫somebody makes a half-court shot ‫for a million dollars؟
‫- Kind of, but go ahead. ‫- Next Tuesday, it,s me.
‫They picked my name from ‫the contest I entered at sam Goodies.
‫Great!
‫It,s not great. ‫A million dollars. It,s fucking great.
‫It is fucking great.
‫But don,t get your hopes up. ‫It,s a tough shot, isn,t it؟
‫For other guys, ‫but they don,t have my moves.
‫The problem is ‫you don,t knoW hoW good I am.
‫Don,t let these legs fool you. ‫I,m great.
‫I like your little legs.
‫Let,s go to the playground. ‫I,ll shoWyou.
‫No, please. I believe you. ‫You,ve got the moves.
‫I don,t Want no charity. ‫seeing is believing.
‫Next Week, come to the playground ‫and Watch me shoot. Promise؟
‫promise؟
‫- That,s Ralph Lauren paint. ‫- I,ll buy you more. I,m a millionaire.
‫I have a crush.
‫- Yeah؟ ‫- Yeah.
‫You haven,t had a crush in a While. ‫Not since Big.
‫Big Wasn,t a crush, he Was a crash.
‫His name is Aidan. ‫And I believe him to be very cute.
‫so cute, I bought a chair I couldn,t ‫afford just because he made it.
‫Did he ask you out؟
‫so the chair is a Write-off.
‫I haven,t had a crush ‫since sean cassidy.
‫No Way.
‫At this age I,d have to say ‫I,m crush-proof.
‫what about steve؟
‫I forgot about my boyfriend. ‫Is that normal؟
‫You,re asking me؟
‫steve thinks he,s gonna win ‫a million dollars.
‫- You told me. ‫- I have to repeat it until I believe it.
‫It,s totally illogical ‫and he Wants me to be supportive.
‫It's a half-court shot. ‫There are Knicks who can't make it.
‫I would support a real dream, ‫like opening his own bar. This is silly.
‫Isn,t that What you couples do, ‫support each other,s silly dreams؟
‫You,re asking me؟
‫That Week, chivon invited samantha ‫to go uptoWn
‫and hear an artist ‫he Was thinking of signing.
‫Back in the line, motherfucker.
‫Although samantha ‫had been in the club scene for years,
‫she,d never been asked to spread ‫without being offered a cocktail.
‫This is DJ oldman.
‫In a matter of minutes, samantha ‫felt at home in chivon,s World.
‫Hi, guys. I,m samantha.
‫In a matter of hours, chivon Was ‫at home in samantha,s home.
‫Do you like this groove؟ ‫It,s the neW kid.
‫It,s so soft. ‫I thought all rap had a harder edge.
‫They can be hard or soft, like you.
‫You have so much attitude up front.
‫Look at you noW. soft, sWeet...
‫sWeet, me؟
‫who do you think you,re fooling؟
‫I don,t usually sleep with men ‫Who have nicer accessories than me.
‫where did you get ‫these fabulous earrings؟
‫Tiffany.
‫where else؟
‫I hope you can sleep in a little.
‫sleep؟
‫samantha rarely asked a man ‫to stay over,
‫but she couldn,t resist ‫having breakfast with his Tiffanies.
‫one reason some people still risk ‫the possible horror of a first date,
‫is the possible magic of ‫the good-night kiss at the front door.
‫My dog is obsessed with you.
‫He kept me up talking all night. ‫Her leg, man.......
‫I had to say, ‫Pete, let her go. It,s over.......
‫I have a confession to make...
‫I,m not a designer. I,m a Writer.
‫what Was that؟ ‫Fiction؟
‫I Wanted the discount. ‫It,s shameful, but true.
‫But don,t Worry, ‫I only lie about furniture, nothing else.
‫Are you upset؟
‫You smoke؟
‫Just a little.
‫when the lie came out of my mouth, ‫I realised hoW much I liked him.
‫If it bothers you, I,ll just...
‫I had a great time.
‫- I can taste that cigarette. ‫- I,m sorry, I have an Altoid.
‫I think you,re...
‫I totally get it. I have a mint here. ‫They are curiously strong.
‫- can you just hold that؟ ‫- sure.
‫I don,t Wanna be a jerk, ‫but I can,t date a smoker.
‫so... Really؟
‫It,s a thing I have.
‫I couldn,t believe What my crush ‫Was saying. I Was crushed.
‫Later that night, I Wondered...
‫when did dating become ‫so dump-friendly؟
‫what happened to the time ‫When a bad kiss or a cigarette
‫or a ridiculous dream ‫Was part of a person,s portfolio؟
‫In today,s dating market, ‫is it wise to liquidate certain stocks,
‫the first sign they might not perform ‫as Well as expected؟
‫or are there things ‫one should try and negotiate؟
‫In relationships, ‫What are the... deal breakers...؟
‫I think it,s really sexy When you ‫lightly touch your lips to mine.
‫Never one to trade a stock ‫before it had matured,
‫a determined and patient charlotte ‫tried to teach Bad hoW to kiss good.
‫You like that؟
‫And I like it When you ‫slowly open your mouth...
‫and just tickle my lips ‫with the tip of your tongue.
‫You like that؟
‫with just a little negotiating, ‫Brad,s stock suddenly began to rise.
‫stop it!
‫You,re sucking too hard. ‫And my mouth is up here.
‫- Is there a problem؟ ‫- I can't do this. You're a bad kisser.
‫It,s my thing.
‫where are you going؟
‫DoWntoWn at Marty Mendleson,s,
‫others Were experiencing ‫a much more successful first kiss.
‫Let's move it to the bedroom.
‫These are my dolls. ‫I,ve been collecting them for years.
‫I had no idea.
‫This... is the Queen of siam.
‫she,s my favorite.
‫Bisque china face. ‫she,s a real collector,s item.
‫And this... is Mary, Queen of scots.
‫- Are they all queens؟ ‫- The ones from Madame Alexander,s.
‫Help me clear the bed؟
‫No, the southern Belle ‫sits on the table.
‫was stanford enough of a queen to ‫sleep with one Who collected queens؟
‫UptoWn at Fusion, samantha felt ‫a bit like a queen herself.
‫Did I tell you ‫hoW beautiful you look tonight؟
‫Thank you.
‫what,s up, genius؟
‫Genius, over-tired ass ‫is dragging all over this restaurant.
‫Aunt Alice and her friends are leaving, ‫if you Want to pay your respects.
‫Favorite aunt. I,ll introduce you.
‫Aunt Alice is out of the door already. ‫You go and I,ll talk with samantha.
‫HoW is everything؟
‫chivon is right, you are a genius.
‫Thank you.
‫A non-food related question. what,s ‫going on between you and chivon؟
‫- what do you mean؟ ‫- You,ve been in here three times.
‫well, We,re dating. why؟
‫You,re not just fucking؟
‫Not that,s any of your business, ‫but no, We,re not just fucking.
‫we actually really like each other.
‫I don,t Want you seeing my brother.
‫- Excuse me؟ ‫- I don't approve.
‫- You don,t knoW me... ‫- Let,s not get personal.
‫I,m sure you,re a nice person, ‫but you,re White.
‫I have a problem with my brother ‫getting serious with a White Woman.
‫To Adeena, samantha,s skin ‫Was a non-negotiable.
‫- HoW can you say that؟ ‫- That,s hoW I feel.
‫I,m never going to approve and my ‫approval means a lot to my brother.
‫Just save us the time and trouble ‫and get out before anybody gets hurt.
‫I'll send over some ‫Mississippi mud pie.
‫The only place Adeena Was interested ‫in fusion Was on a plate.
‫- she can,t dis me just cos I,m White. ‫- Please tell me you didn,t say dis.
‫Maybe you should stop seeing him. ‫Race is a big issue.
‫There is no reason ‫to bring race into this.
‫chivon is a sWeet man. ‫we have great sex.
‫He happens to have the biggest...
‫Black cock. ‫we knoW he has a big black cock.
‫I Was about to say the biggest heart.
‫But, yes, he does have ‫a big black cock.
‫It,s big African-American cock.
‫- Don,t make fun of me. My chin hurts. ‫- what happened؟
‫He raped my face. ‫I,m never seeing him again.
‫To charlotte, a black and blue chin ‫Was a deal breaker.
‫I,m not backing doWn to her. ‫That,s not Who I am.
‫she shouldn,t sacrifice Who she is ‫because somebody has a problem.
‫Like me and smoking. ‫Too bad Aidan had a problem with it.
‫But you have to accept people ‫for Who they are.
‫- You choose cigarettes over a guy؟ ‫- He,s not that cute.
‫You bought furniture, he Was so cute.
‫For him to dump me ‫over a little thing like smoking.
‫smoking is not a little thing. ‫It,s dirty and you,re killing yourself.
‫we hate it. we put up with it cos We ‫love you. You have a reason to quit.
‫- I don,t like being ganged up on. ‫- who,s ganging up on you؟
‫smoking is a part of Who I am.
‫I,ll quit When I Want to, ‫not cos a cute guy told me to.
‫- Right, samantha؟ ‫- No.
‫Fighting for chivon is one thing. ‫Holding on to cigarettes is just Wack.
‫Tell me she didn,t say... Wack....
‫It's all total bullshit.
‫what is Wrong with cigarettes؟
‫Nothing, they,re fabulous.
‫It,s not like you have ‫a hideous doll-collection.
‫You think that,s an overreaction ‫to a repressed childhood؟
‫who cares؟ It,s freaky.
‫I could overlook his receding hair. ‫But the dollies؟ No.
‫so, it,s... Goodbye, Dolly...؟
‫It's too bad. I kind of liked him.
‫well, stannie, if I may call you that. ‫Maybe you should reconsider؟
‫when Was the last time someone ‫you had a crush on asked you out؟
‫You,re no one to talk, ‫Miss Marlboro Lights.
‫You,re right. I am no one to talk.
‫Maybe I could quit, just a little. ‫Till I see What,s up.
‫- Et tu؟ ‫- Fine.
‫I can,t see myself getting excited
‫because my boyfriend,s three-foot ‫Lady Di doll is arriving from Qvc.
‫Let,s go. ‫Time to go shoot hoops.
‫- I can,t. I got behind on this file. ‫- No, you don,t. You promised.
‫This has to be ready Monday. I don,t ‫have time to Watch you shoot hoops.
‫I ask you to do one thing for me ‫and you can,t. what is that؟
‫what,s with the attitude؟
‫You knoW hoW many times ‫I do What you Want؟
‫why are you getting so upset؟ ‫It,s just a stupid shot.
‫Not to me it's not.
‫why are you alWays pessimistic؟ ‫You can,t make that shot.......
‫steve, come on.
‫It,s not just the shot. It,s everything. ‫we can,t move in together.......
‫If this is ever gonna Work, ‫I need you to believe in us.
‫I need you to believe in me, ‫even if you think it,s fucking stupid.
‫All right, hot shot. ‫shoW me What you got.
‫Nice legs! very nice!
‫This is for the big money!
‫steve never did win the big money ‫at Madison square Garden.
‫But having Miranda shoW up, ‫made him feel like a million bucks.
‫You Were robbed!
‫- Do over! ‫- oK.
‫- Don,t get any ideas. ‫- Pete. Let,s go.
‫This isn,t fair. ‫He Was just starting to get over you.
‫since you negotiated ‫such a good price for me on the chair,
‫maybe I can negotiate a little deal ‫for you on the smoking.
‫what kind of deal؟
‫I,ve been thinking ‫about quitting anyWay. why not noW؟
‫No cigarettes.
‫can you do that؟
‫Maybe you think ‫I,m more of a smoker than I am.
‫I only have like a cigarette ‫with cocktails.
‫I,m done here. ‫Do you Wanna get some coffee؟
‫The second he said coffee, ‫I kneW I Wanted a cigarette.
‫I'd love it.
‫It Was one of those dates ‫When you have so much to say
‫that coffee turns into a movie, ‫a movie into a long Walk
‫and a long Walk turns into ‫the beginning of cold turkey rehab.
‫would you like to eat some dinner؟
‫I Was completely ready ‫to trade in my crush...
‫Hi.
‫When it daWned on me hoW much... ‫I Was willing to give up for a cigarette.
‫Maybe a quick bite.
‫Her name is sheeba. ‫she,s French.
‫MeanWhile, ‫back in the... valley of the Dolls...
‫stanford thought there Was something ‫more rare than a porcelain face...
‫his passion.
‫wait, the dolls.
‫To Marty Mendleson, ‫a broken face Was a deal breaker.
‫Adeena!
‫samantha Was about to come ‫face to face with her deal breaker.
‫- what,s up؟ ‫- You tell me. I just got here.
‫You knoW samantha.
‫what,s my favorite girl drinking؟
‫- champagne. ‫- Marguerita.
‫coming right up.
‫what are you doing here؟ ‫I don,t Want you dating my brother.
‫I,m a lovely person. ‫Get to knoW me, then hate me.
‫This is not a game. ‫This is my brother We,re talking about.
‫For a Woman with such ‫a progressive vieW of World food...
‫- That,s business, this is family. ‫- I don,t understand...
‫I,ll say it to you plain. I don,t care ‫hoW many Jennifer Lopez dresses
‫you have hanging in your closet, ‫you don,t belong in here.
‫You,ll never understand What I,m ‫talking about. This is a black thing.
‫Please go ‫and leave my brother alone.
‫As samantha turned to leave, ‫she realised this Wasn,t a black thing.
‫It Was a samantha thing.
‫she,d never backed doWn to a bitch ‫and she Wasn,t about to start.
‫No Woman, no matter What color, ‫has the right to tell me Who I fuck.
‫Get your little White pussy ‫aWay from my brother!
‫Get your big, black ass ‫out of my face!
‫And your okra Wasn,t all that!
‫Get off me!
‫Keep it real.
‫I,m trying to keep it real.
‫seven hours into the World,s ‫longest date, all I could think Was,
‫Five more minutes and I can smoke... ‫the cigarette hidden in my purse....
‫- would you like a dessert menu؟ ‫- I,ll take a look.
‫I forgot, I have a deadline. ‫I have to go.
‫- I,ll Walk with you. ‫- No!
‫stay and enjoy your dessert. ‫I,m fine.
‫carrie... ‫we,ve got a little problem.
‫what can I say؟ ‫Adeena has alWays been there for me.
‫Ever since Mom died, ‫it,s only been the two of us.
‫Adeena has her issues, ‫but you didn,t have to insult her food.
‫You mean the World to me.
‫But Adeena, she,s my blood.
‫samantha kneWthe real problem ‫Wasn,t her White pussy.
‫It Was that chivon Was a black pussy ‫Who Wouldn,t stand up to his sister.
‫And for samantha Jones, ‫that Was the deal breaker.
‫It Was too bad We had to end. ‫But that,s the Way it goes, I guess.
‫we had some good times together ‫and I,m sure We could have had more.
‫But, it,s over.
‫In the end, I really did it for me. ‫I just hope he,s Worth it.