‫۳۰۶ - Are We Sluts
‫You can count on one hand
‫the things a New Yorker will wait for.
‫My list includes: ‫the perfect apartment,
‫the chocolate souffle at Le Bernardin,
‫and the annual Manolo Blahnik sale.
‫After four dates ‫with the furniture designer,
‫whose kiss made my knees weak,
‫this New Yorker ‫had waited long enough.
‫so, do you wanna sleep over؟
‫I have to feed Pete.
‫I have to get up early in the morning.
‫Apparently, that New Yorker had not.
‫When one door closes, ‫another one opens.
‫At ۲:۰۰am, the door that opened ‫was samantha's.
‫What's going on؟
‫Freda in ۱D was held up at gunpoint.
‫Oh, my God!
‫It's under control. ‫We have the suspect on tape.
‫This is supposed to be ‫a safe building.
‫It was late. Doorman was off duty. ‫He entered behind somebody's guest.
‫That,s awful.
‫The guy came in behind the guy ‫who came in samantha.
‫That,s terrible.
‫- Who has a guest at ۲:۰۰am؟ ‫- I have no idea.
‫- What did everybody do last night؟ ‫- Nothing.
‫- I don't want to talk about it.
‫Did you sleep with someone ‫on the second date؟
‫No. The third date.
‫Alexander Lemly, the investment ‫banker I met at an art show.
‫- The sex was bad؟ ‫- It was good, except...
‫I don't think I can say it.
‫Get over yourself.
‫What happened؟
‫When he...
‫You know.
‫came, orgasmed, shot his wad.
‫He said:
‫You fucking bitch! ‫You fucking whore!
‫- Why would he say that؟ ‫- Because you were fucking him؟
‫He didn't say it at the drycleaners, ‫but when he was in you.
‫Do you think I'm a whore؟
‫If you're a whore, ‫what does that make me؟
‫- Do you think I'm a whore؟ ‫- You have had a lot of bone in you.
‫This is bad. ‫Nobody wants to marry a whore.
‫Even charlotte ‫is having more sex than me.
‫What about Aidan؟
‫I don't knowwhat's going on. ‫We're spending a lot of time together.
‫He keeps asking me out. ‫But he doesn,t wanna sleep with me.
‫- Gay. ‫- He's not gay.
‫- Mother issues؟ ‫- I don,t think so.
‫- Maybe his dick curves to the right. ‫- We'll work it out. I'll go left.
‫I may never know.
‫Wait too long to sleep with someone, ‫you become just friends.
‫As supposed to his fucking bitch, ‫his fucking whore.
‫come on.
‫If samantha was right, ‫I had little time left
‫before the relationship-window ‫closed.
‫so I wore my little dress ‫that left little to the imagination.
‫Do you want to take this inside؟
‫I better get home. I gotta...
‫You gotta get up early. ‫Whatever.
‫- What's going on up there؟ ‫- Do you just wanna be friends؟
‫I don't know. ‫Is that how you kiss your friends؟
‫Why don't you wanna sleep with me؟
‫Whatever it is ‫I'd rather know sooner than later.
‫I do wanna sleep with you.
‫I do. ‫Look at you.
‫I,ve been down that road before.
‫I've slept with women quickly ‫and I'm still single.
‫My new thing is, I want to try and ‫sleep with somebody I care about.
‫I really think ‫that I can care about you.
‫It's only been a week and a half. ‫Don't people date anymore؟
‫Why did I expect to sleep with him ‫after only a week and a half؟
‫Had I become so jaded
‫that I didn't recognize romance ‫when it kissed me on the lips؟
‫Modern women need a cheat-sheet ‫to remind us romance isn't dead.
‫Romance.
‫I tell you, it didn't even occur to me, ‫which is so depressing.
‫Is that what ۱۳ years of dating ‫in Manhattan does to a woman؟
‫I'll tell you what it does. ‫It gives you chlamydia.
‫Excuse me؟
‫My gynecologist called me today.
‫My tests, which she threw in ‫for good measure, were positive.
‫It's not terrible. There aren't any ‫symptoms, but it can cause infertility.
‫I guess it's good I caught it. ‫I mean...
‫Not that I caught it, ‫but that I found out.
‫- You got it from steve؟ ‫- I don't know.
‫It could be any number of guys,
‫which is what I told my gynecologist. ‫she seemed a little judgmental.
‫she told me to contact all the people ‫that I might have given it to,
‫so they can all be treated.
‫I knew what was bothering her. ‫The same thought had bothered me
‫since the guy I'd been seeing ‫for ۱۰ days asked me to slow down.
‫If you're a ۳۰ something woman in ‫Manhattan and you're sexually active,
‫it's inevitable that you'll rack up ‫a certain number of partners.
‫But how many is too many men؟
‫Are we simply romantically ‫challenged or are we sluts؟
‫It was the question ‫on charlotte's mind.
‫- How's your swordfish؟ ‫- Fine, thanks.
‫- You're awfully quiet tonight. ‫- sorry, my mind is somewhere else.
‫You fucking bitch! ‫You fucking whore!
‫I hate putting people out of work, ‫but it happens after a merger.
‫Maybe I should ‫teach EsL on the side.
‫Are you sure you're OK؟
‫Actually... what you said ‫the other night kind of bothered me.
‫What did I say؟
‫You knowwhen we were in bed ‫and you...
‫You yelled out something.
‫- During my sleep؟ ‫- No, during sex.
‫I don't remember saying anything.
‫I remember it being very nice. ‫What did I say؟
‫It,s not important. I,m sure ‫it was in the heat of the moment.
‫Do you want to try my swordfish؟ ‫It really is good.
‫By dessert, charlotte had decided ‫to forget it and call it a do-over.
‫- You fucking bitch! Fucking whore! ‫- That! That's what you said.
‫- What؟ ‫- Just then. You said it again.
‫What did I say؟
‫You fucking bitch, you fucking whore.
‫My God, are you sure؟
‫That's terrible. That's a horrible thing ‫to say. I had no idea.
‫I just get lost in the moment. ‫I don't think that about you.
‫Believe me, you are sweet, ‫smart and lovely.
‫You are the kind of woman ‫I hope to marry some day.
‫I promise never to say that again.
‫That,s terrible.
‫As charlotte started to feel better, ‫Miranda started to feel worse.
‫steve, can we not؟
‫I'm just getting started. ‫I'm only at the neck.
‫Maybe you'll change your mind ‫when I'm down around your elbows.
‫I can't tonight, I have chlamydia.
‫I don't even knowwhat that is, ‫but it sounds like a problem.
‫It's not a big deal. It's just ‫a sexually transmitted disease.
‫I might have given it to you ‫or you to me.
‫Either way, you should get tested.
‫I,m afraid of doctors. ‫I don,t even have one.
‫Go to the free clinic. Whatever.
‫What's gonna happen, ‫does it hurt when you pee؟
‫Men are just carriers, ‫there aren't any symptoms at all.
‫Then why do I need to know؟
‫If you don't get treated ‫you can pass it on to other people.
‫You are my only other person, ‫and you already have it.
‫Yeah, but if you've got it, ‫we'll keep passing it back and forth.
‫I'd rather not sleep with you ‫until it's out of my body.
‫I've got six more days of antibiotics.
‫Will you please just take care of it؟ ‫Get it over with.
‫steve's trip to the doctor ‫didn't cure his fear of doctors.
‫- Drop your trousers. ‫- There's nothing wrong down there.
‫I'm here because my girlfriend ‫said to get the test.
‫I need a sample ‫from the inside of your penis.
‫As steve faced something ‫every man dreads,
‫Miranda faced something ‫every woman dreads.
‫she was making a list ‫of all the men she'd slept with.
‫At least all the ones ‫she could remember.
‫she wondered ‫how she did all these men
‫and did her law degree ‫and became a successful lawyer.
‫samantha knew ‫her number was up there.
‫But she didn't know ‫everybody else knew.
‫We know it was you ‫who buzzed in the gunman.
‫- Excuse me؟ ‫- You always have guests.
‫Every time I'm in this elevator ‫you're with a different man.
‫That,s ridiculous.
‫This is your floor.
‫Excuse me.
‫The next day, Miranda's sex life ‫was flashing before her as well.
‫Thanks. OK. ‫sorry to bother you.
‫congratulations.
‫Nowyou're married, you don't ‫have to worry about stuff like this.
‫Bye-bye.
‫Miss Hobbes, line two is still holding.
‫- Miranda Hobbes. ‫- Hi, it's David, returning a call.
‫- How have you been؟ ‫- Lousy, I'm partner. All work, no play.
‫- What do you want؟ ‫- It's kind of awkward.
‫I'm busy, spit it out. ‫What is it؟
‫OK. I've got this...
‫- It's chlamydia. Which is... ‫- I know what chlamydia is.
‫- Perhaps you should get tested. ‫- I,ve been tested.
‫- Recently؟ ‫- Yes. Is that it؟
‫Yes. No... Did you have it؟
‫Is that your business؟ You call me ‫after months to discuss my health؟
‫- Yes, I had it. so, what؟ ‫- Perhaps you gave it to me.
‫- What are you gonna do, sue me؟ ‫- You could have called.
‫- You told me never to call you. ‫- Now I remember why. Bye!
‫Meanwhile, I was still waiting ‫for the diagnosis on my relationship.
‫Would Aidan become ‫friend or boyfriend؟
‫Delivery for Miss Bradshaw.
‫It's about time. ‫I ordered this years ago.
‫He certainly kissed like a boyfriend.
‫Don't you have two matching plates؟
‫No.
‫What do you use for wine, ‫promotional coffee mugs؟
‫But he teased me like a friend.
‫come here. Let me get this.
‫Boyfriend.
‫I don't care what anybody says. ‫I think catherine zeta-Jones is hot.
‫Friend.
‫Not as hot as you, but she's hot.
‫Boyfriend. And liar.
‫- I think samantha was right. ‫- About what؟
‫Me and Aidan. I think we're ‫just friends who kiss occasionally.
‫- Why are you whispering؟ ‫- cos he's still here.
‫That,s promising.
‫He's been in the bathroom ‫for half an hour.
‫All we did was eat chinese ‫and watch "zorro".
‫Now I'm working and he's ‫reading the paper on the john.
‫This isn't romance, this is bullshit.
‫- carrie! ‫- Yeah؟
‫come here a second.
‫I have to go, my friend ‫wants to see me in the bathroom.
‫What did you want, because...
‫Wow.
‫It,s like a Danielle steele novel ‫in here.
‫From a writer, ‫I'm pretty sure that's an insult.
‫No, this is... Wow.
‫I thought a bath would help you relax. ‫You seemed kind of tense.
‫Are you sure this isn't ‫just a cheap ploy to see me naked؟
‫Will you be naked؟
‫That's the thing about baths.
‫This is about you, so enjoy.
‫I'm gonna get going.
‫But that doesn't make us friends ‫cos I'll be thinking about you naked.
‫Big tub, little person.
‫You talked me into it.
‫so nowwhat؟
‫Nowwhat, what؟ ‫We're just taking a bath.
‫Fuck it, let's just do it.
‫This isn't how it should happen. ‫You said this was just a bath.
‫- come on, who cares؟ ‫- You do. And I do too now.
‫OK. ‫Out of the tub.
‫The next night, ‫samantha was feeling exposed.
‫Here she comes.
‫- Good evening. ‫- Hello.
‫If you wanna say something ‫about me, say it to my face.
‫You're bad for the building.
‫- What؟ ‫- You have too many visitors.
‫- There are always men in the hall. ‫- I got robbed because of you.
‫I can't close my left eye.
‫They practically chased me ‫like I was Fuckenstein.
‫They can't evict you for having sex.
‫They're jealous, dried up old farts who ‫haven't had sex since Eisenhower.
‫I remind them of what they can't have. ‫It might be time to move.
‫You can't. You have a rent-controlled ‫apartment on the Upper East side.
‫This isn't rent control, it's life control.
‫I have to go, I have a date with Aidan.
‫Don't tell me ‫you're not having sex yet.
‫- We're not having sex yet. ‫- What are you doing؟
‫Tonight, we're going to a blues club.
‫- Who's singing, you؟ ‫- We'll have sex eventually.
‫By the way, I got a little preview.
‫I assure you, ‫there is no curving in any direction.
‫It is straight. very straight.
‫That night, ‫charlotte had a date as well.
‫And he was doing his best ‫to be the strong, silent type.
‫- What's the matter؟ ‫- I'm afraid to come.
‫What are you talking about؟ ‫I'm close.
‫Go ahead.
‫You fucking bitch, you fucking whore! ‫I hate myself, what's wrong with me؟
‫That night, Alexander decided ‫to stop seeing charlotte
‫and start seeing a therapist.
‫And steve got his test back.
‫It was negative, ‫like the rest of the experience.
‫That doctor with the swab... Ouch! ‫I don't even want to swab my ears.
‫It's my fault. ‫I'm the one with the disease.
‫I'm a big, dirty, diseased whore.
‫That's my girlfriend ‫you're talking about.
‫You knowwhat؟ I had to make a list ‫of all the guys I've slept with
‫and it's not short.
‫How, not short؟
‫It's... No, I can't tell you. ‫I've never told anybody my number.
‫I'm just curious.
‫You won't judge me؟
‫I spent a day at the free clinic.
‫OK. It's like, about... ۴۲.
‫- ۴۲؟ That's not so bad. ‫- That's too many.
‫It,s fine.
‫- What's your number؟ ‫- I'm not telling you.
‫come on.
‫It's embarrassing. I've had enough ‫embarrassment for one week.
‫What is it؟
‫Ten؟
‫Higher.
‫۶۰؟
‫Higher.
‫Higher than ۶۰؟
‫A lot higher؟
‫I,m a bartender and I,m cute.
‫Note, men who have had a lot of ‫sexual partners are not called sluts.
‫They are called very good kissers.
‫A few are even called romantics.
‫I can't believe you've never been ‫to the Blue Note.
‫- call yourself a New Yorker. ‫- I've never done a lot of things.
‫I can think of one thing in particular.
‫- That I've done. ‫- I can think of one other thing.
‫What do you think ‫about me staying the night؟
‫I don't know. ‫What about Pete؟
‫I arranged for the super's kid ‫to walk Pete and feed him.
‫And you knewthis all night؟
‫And then something weird happened.
‫For the first time in a long time, ‫I was nervous.
‫We were going to sleep together ‫and it was going to mean something.
‫I was no virgin, ‫but this was definitely virgin territory.
‫Good morning.
‫OK, that's what I wanted. Bye.
‫The nice thing about ‫a new relationship, it's a clean slate.
‫And speaking of clean slates,
‫samantha moved ‫to the trendy Meatpacking District.
‫Good morning, ladies.
‫Whores were whores, ‫men were women and rents higher.
‫Easy, that's my bed.