‫۳۰۷ - Drama Queens
‫It happened two days ago.
‫Aidan and I had been seeing each other ‫for three weeks when...
‫- What is it؟ Bad dream؟ ‫- I'm not sure.
‫- What's wrong؟ ‫- I don't know.
‫The truth was I really didn't.
‫The next day ‫I searched for unpaid bills,
‫unanswered calls, unmet deadlines.
‫But I hadn't so much as missed ‫a teeth cleaning.
‫My life appeared to be in order.
‫But the next night, like clockwork...
‫I realized I was in an existential crisis.
‫one that not even the sight of this ‫season's Dolce & Gabbana sandals
‫could lift me out of.
‫Do you wanna spend the night؟
‫- I'm gonna get some water. ‫- Relax. I'll get it.
‫Then I realized it.
‫What was wrong was, ‫for the first time in my life,
‫I was in a relationship ‫where absolutely nothing was wrong.
‫It's smooth sailing.
‫Nothing but calm seas, blue horizons.
‫See what I'm saying؟
‫Absolutely. Not a cloud in sight.
‫We adore each other.
‫We have fun. We mesh.
‫And this is a problem؟
‫It feels odd. ‫I'm used to the hunt.
‫This is... effortless. ‫It's freaking me out.
‫I totally understand. ‫You're not getting the stomach flip.
‫Which is just a fear of losing the guy.
‫Maybe I'm not used to ‫being with someone
‫who doesn't do the seductive ‫withholding dance.
‫But there is an upside to being ‫with a guy with no surprises.
‫Steve is completely predictable, ‫but that's what I love about him.
‫He's so comfortable and safe.
‫Are you dating a man or a mini-van؟
‫My new favorite thing to do ‫on a Saturday night is Steve's laundry
‫and I've never been happier.
‫Your relationship ‫is my greatest fear realized.
‫I understand your dilemma ‫and from my experience,
‫if he seems too good to be true, ‫he probably is.
‫I don't believe this. Nowwe're ‫dumping guys for being too available.
‫This is all solid proof of what ‫I've read in this great new book.
‫It says if you ‫really wanna get married,
‫you shouldn't spend so much time ‫around dysfunctional single women.
‫"Marriage Incorporated:
‫"Howto apply successful business ‫strategies to finding a husband".
‫chapter one: ‫"How To Get Ahead By Giving Head".
‫Fine! Make fun. ‫It's a very smart book.
‫It encourages professional women ‫to approach finding a mate
‫with the dedication and organization ‫they bring to their careers.
‫I'm more a student of chaos theory.
‫If you don't see as much of me, ‫I'm with my married friends.
‫And howwill this help you ‫meet your mate؟
‫Bachelor friends of married men are ‫the city's greatest untapped resource.
‫The way to meet them ‫is through the husbands.
‫So my first assignment is to befriend ‫the husbands. It's my new job.
‫That evening, as charlotte began ‫her new career as a husband-hunter,
‫Miranda returned home to feather ‫her stress-free love nest.
‫- I heated up some leftover lasagne. ‫- Great. I'm starving.
‫- Wanna get some plates؟ ‫- What for؟ It's just us.
‫An hour later it was on to dessert.
‫Followed by exactly eight minutes ‫of no-frills sex.
‫And ۱۲ minutes of "Front Line".
‫Theirs was the kind of closeness ‫that only came from true intimacy.
‫Samantha was experiencing intimacy ‫that only came from anonymity.
‫His name was Dr. Mark Raskin.
‫An ear, nose and throat man ‫that Samantha met...
‫actually we're not sure where. ‫Suffice to say it happened quickly.
‫Will you get me some water, please؟
‫- What for؟ ‫- I want to take a hit of viagra.
‫- Number one ‫that's very presumptuous of you.
‫- And number two
‫from what I can tell, you don't need ‫any help in that area whatsoever.
‫I don't need it. ‫I just take it recreationally.
‫What does it do for you؟
‫Sends me on a rocket trip ‫right through your solar system.
‫I'll be right back with that...
‫water....
‫While Samantha enjoyed ‫the thrill of the new
‫and Miranda's relationship ‫happily floated on a placid sea
‫I was searching for hidden icebergs.
‫Why are you still single؟
‫- Why are you still single؟ ‫- Don't do that.
‫I hate it when guys act all cute.
‫- What؟ ‫- Waiting for an apology.
‫oK. I'm a bitch. I'm sorry.
‫You should know I get a tad bitchy ‫from time to time.
‫I'm sure you have your bad traits. ‫And they would be؟
‫- Alphabetically؟ ‫- Whatever you got.
‫It's all gonna come out eventually, ‫so I'd like to know now
‫and that way I can decide ‫if I'd like to deal with it or not.
‫This is the strangest two blocks ‫I ever walked.
‫Again I'm sorry, but this relationship ‫cannot just sail on like it is: perfect.
‫Frankly, I can't take the pressure.
‫oK. I'm gonna kiss you now.
‫Seriously. What the hell is wrong ‫with you that you're not married؟
‫- Tell me. ‫- can't you relax and go with the flow.
‫Go with the flow؟ No, I can't do that. ‫It's so seventies.
‫How long you think ‫this phase is gonna last؟
‫My folks are coming this weekend ‫and I want you to meet them.
‫- That's so... ‫- Fifties؟
‫That is really nice.
‫So, these parents ‫that are coming to town...
‫do they know what's wrong with you؟
‫Let's get you a doughnut.
‫Nuts.
‫The next evening, taking a page ‫from "Marriage Incorporated",
‫charlotte had dinner with her ‫married friends, Amy and Dennis.
‫Allow me to get right to the point.
‫After careful consideration, ‫I've decided that I'm getting married.
‫- charlotte, that's wonderful! ‫- Who's the lucky guy؟
‫I don't know yet. ‫That's where you two come in.
‫Dennis, name one great single friend ‫that you have to fix me up with.
‫I don't know. ‫No one you'd like offhand.
‫- What about Phil؟ ‫- Phil, yeah.
‫If he can tear himself away from his ‫internet company to go on a date.
‫Yes! Phil.
‫Phil, Phil, Phil.
‫He is so nice and cute.
‫- You think Phil's cute؟ ‫- He's cute.
‫I can see that.
‫Great. Then it's all set up. ‫I'll call you tomorrowto follow up.
‫Look! I have tickets ‫to the opera on Saturday night.
‫- I would like to take Phil. ‫- Great.
‫The next morning before work, ‫while sorting Steve's laundry,
‫Miranda came face to face ‫with the true meaning of intimacy.
‫I was wrong.
‫There is a point where a couple ‫can get too comfortable.
‫I reached it this morning ‫washing Steve's underwear.
‫Why, what happened؟
‫- I'm living with "skid marks" guy. ‫- oh, no! Terrible.
‫I don't get it. ‫Why do men get skid marks؟
‫Is it laziness؟ ‫or are they just in a rush؟
‫I don't know but it goes hand in hand ‫with urinating on the seat.
‫I tell you one thing. When ‫your boyfriend is so comfortable
‫he can't be bothered to wipe his ass, ‫that's the end of romance.
‫It's certainly the end of laundry night.
‫It got me thinking. Maybe I mistake ‫falling into a rut with intimacy.
‫- How often are you having sex؟ ‫- often enough.
‫But it's totally generic. ‫We've got every move down pat.
‫It's more like a race ‫to have an orgasm.
‫- It's nice to be a contestant, isn't it؟ ‫- Sure. I know what you mean.
‫We whine when we don't have ‫a boyfriend, we whine when we do.
‫Do you remember how Big ‫kept me away from his mother؟
‫- I remember. ‫- And how pissed it used to make me؟
‫Now, Aidan's offering both his parents ‫on a silver platter
‫and I'm not sure I want to meet them.
‫Maybe it's too soon.
‫I've never met Steve's mother ‫and I'm in no rush.
‫The irony is Aidan's acting exactly ‫how I wish Big would have behaved.
‫And I'm behaving just like Big.
‫Maybe you don't believe it's for real ‫unless somebody plays hard to get.
‫When things come too easy, ‫we're suspect.
‫Do they have to get complicated ‫before we believe they're for real؟
‫We're raised to believe that ‫true love never runs smoothly.
‫There always have to be ‫obstacles in Act Two
‫before you can live ‫happily ever after in Act Three.
‫But what happens when ‫the obstacles aren't there؟
‫Does that mean ‫there's something missing؟
‫Do we need drama ‫to make a relationship work؟
‫A few days later, still hearing no word ‫from Dennis about her date
‫charlotte made a call to his office.
‫charlotte Yorke. ‫He can reach me at home or at work
‫and it's very important because I have ‫tickets to the opera on Saturday.
‫Never mind, just have him call me.
‫Her call unanswered, ‫charlotte followed up persistently.
‫can you tell Dennis ‫that charlotte Yorke called؟
‫Yes, he'll knowwhat it's regarding.
‫It's regarding my future husband, Phil.
‫oK؟ Thank you.
‫Hi. You've reached ‫the office of Dennis Fincher.
‫I'm either out of the office ‫or away from my desk.
‫Please leave a message ‫at the sound of the tone.
‫Well. obviously, you have some good ‫reason for keeping Phil and I apart.
‫I can't imagine what it is ‫but this is Phil's loss and not mine
‫and don't bother ‫returning this call either.
‫While charlotte was a woman on ‫the verge of a nervous breakdown...
‫my anxiety-free relationship... ‫was driving me crazy.
‫Excuse me.
‫- Sorry it's taking so long. ‫- That's all right.
‫I'm gonna have to pass on dinner. ‫It's getting so late. I've got a deadline.
‫oK. No problem.
‫My parents get in tomorrow night. ‫They'll want to crash.
‫But I thought you'd meet us ‫for breakfast the next day.
‫I've been thinking ‫about this meeting your parents.
‫- I just wondered if it's a good idea. ‫- They gonna love you.
‫No, I'm not worried about that. ‫Parents always think I'm adorable.
‫- What's the problem؟ ‫- Well...
‫What if they love me... ‫and if we break up
‫you'll always have to explain to them ‫what happened to the adorable girl.
‫- Are you breaking up with me؟ ‫- No.
‫Where I come from, ‫meeting the parents... oh, so big!
‫- You'll meet them some other time. ‫- oK.
‫So, I guess we won't be seeing ‫each other this weekend.
‫- I'll miss you. ‫- Maybe that's good.
‫Maybe we should see each other less ‫then we can miss each other more.
‫You're so available to me, ‫and I'm so available to you.
‫Maybe we're both too...
‫available....
‫carrie, it's no big deal. ‫I have a life.
‫I'm just making room for you.
‫You always say the right things.
‫- Goodbye. ‫- Bye.
‫This is nuts. I'm sabotaging ‫the best relationship I've ever had.
‫It's better to have a man waiting ‫for you than the other way around.
‫- I guess. ‫- And if you hadn't been available,
‫I'd be here alone, ‫just some pathetic dateless freak.
‫So glad it worked out for you.
‫- Who are you calling؟ ‫- I'm not taking this lying down.
‫Hi. You've reached Amy and Dennis. ‫Leave it at the beep.
‫Well, here I am at the opera ‫which I planned on going to with Phil,
‫who I guess you've decided ‫I'm not good enough for.
‫charlotte؟ ‫It's Dennis.
‫I'm so sorry. ‫I just got back from a business trip.
‫My secretary gave me ‫all your messages.
‫I had no idea ‫you wanted to meet Phil so badly.
‫Well, he sounded nice. ‫It's not a big deal.
‫Why don't I set something up ‫tomorrow evening؟ ۷.:۳۰؟
‫- You know Rudy's, Midtown؟ ‫- I love that place.
‫Phil will meet you there. ‫I guarantee it.
‫I'm so silly. I created all that drama ‫in my head for nothing.
‫- What are we seeing again؟ ‫- "Aida. "
‫- I guess I'm in for another wild ride. ‫- I'd say we both are.
‫What would happen ‫if I tried one of these؟
‫I don't think they've established ‫that it works for women.
‫There's no harm in trying is there, ‫doctor؟
‫Bottoms up!
‫۲۰ minutes later,
‫Samantha officially became ‫the first woman to land on the moon.
‫- Isn't the opera romantic؟ ‫- Even more so with a man.
‫Well, I did expect to be taking Phil.
‫It's quite a lovely evening you planned ‫for a man you've never even met.
‫He sounded really nice.
‫- Here. ‫- Thanks.
‫You knowwhat, honey, ‫I'm not feeling well. I'm going home.
‫- Do you want me to come with you؟ ‫- No, I'm fine. Stay, enjoy.
‫It's all right. I'll call you.
‫I'll be right back.
‫I knew it was rude and over-dramatic,
‫but I felt like I'd just seen ‫the phantom of the opera.
‫Yes, ditching charlotte ‫was slightly hysterical,
‫but the idea of sitting across ‫from Big and Natasha
‫through the second act of "Aida" ‫was too emotional to bear.
‫This time I knew what was wrong.
‫The shock of seeing Big again ‫not only made my stomach flip
‫it sent my spleen leaping ‫right into my throat.
‫- Hello. ‫- It's me. I'm really sorry.
‫- What's wrong؟ ‫- I saw Big tonight at the opera.
‫- That's why you ditched charlotte. ‫- She told you. Was she pissed؟
‫I think she's swearing ‫off women forever.
‫- Are you oK؟ ‫- Yeah. I'm great actually.
‫I'm realizing that maybe there is ‫something to this available man thing.
‫Yeah. It's kind of nice. ‫Just separate your whites.
‫Now I know I wanna be with a man ‫who wants to be with me.
‫I've had enough relationship drama ‫for one lifetime.
‫Shouldn't you be telling this to Aidan؟
‫It's ۳:۰۰ am. ‫I'll wait until a more civilized hour.
‫The next morning I waited ‫until a decent hour to call Aidan
‫and tell him how much I missed him.
‫- Furniture company. ‫- Hi, it's carrie calling for Aidan.
‫- He's not here right now. ‫- He's not؟
‫- Just tell him I called. ‫- I'll give him the message.
‫- Thanks. ‫- Bye.
‫When I hadn't heard from him ‫by that evening
‫I began to get butterflies ‫in my stomach.
‫Hey, I'm not in but Pete is.
‫Hey. It's carrie. ‫Remember me؟
‫The girl you wanted to introduce ‫to your parents.
‫I'm just calling to say hey.
‫Hey.
‫I was getting a dreaded feeling ‫that I had played this all wrong.
‫Suddenly, the idea of losing Aidan ‫left me short of breath.
‫Meanwhile, Miranda was trying not ‫to breathe near Steve's shorts.
‫What are you doing؟
‫I thought you might need some help ‫with the wash.
‫But there's nothing like a twist ‫in the third act
‫to spice up even ‫the most banal scenario.
‫And while Miranda and Steve ‫found new life in the familiar,
‫charlotte was blindly feeling ‫her way through the unfamiliar.
‫Excuse me. ‫Are you Phil؟
‫Sorry.
‫- Are you Phil؟ ‫- I could be.
‫- Hi. ‫- Well, hello.
‫- Are you here to chaperone؟ ‫- Yes, sort of.
‫What's wrong؟ ‫You couldn't trust me alone with Phil؟
‫charlotte, Phil's not coming... ‫I never called Phil.
‫I didn't want you to meet him. You'd ‫like him and that could be a problem.
‫- What are you talking about؟ ‫- I'm in love with you, charlotte.
‫- You can't be in love with me ‫you're married to my friend.
‫Things haven't been great with us, ‫and I can't stop thinking about you.
‫- This is nuts. ‫- Don't leave.
‫You kept your single friends ‫away from me so you could cheat؟
‫- You should be ashamed of yourself. ‫- You're such a spark plug. I love that.
‫I'm not interested ‫in starting some married man's car.
‫Wait. Don't leave, please. ‫I love you!
‫charlotte, please. I love you. Wait.
‫- Taxi! ‫- What the hell؟
‫Are you all right؟
‫- Are you all right؟ ‫- Yeah, thanks.
‫- Let me help you. ‫- Thanks.
‫- I'm Trey. ‫- charlotte.
‫And that's how, ‫in the most dramatic fashion,
‫charlotte met her new leading man.
‫Well, time to pop ‫one of those baby blues.
‫Let's go au naturel this time.
‫No, I really want one.
‫- Don't you think it's good without it؟ ‫- No, I do not!
‫Let's save it for those special times.
‫Give me my pills, goddammit!
‫Mark realized he had brought too ‫much intensity to their relationship.
‫He wrote samantha a prescription
‫and she promised ‫never to call him again.
‫You have no messages.
‫After two days ‫of not hearing from Aidan,
‫I realized only a dramatic gesture ‫could salvage things.
‫- You gonna... ‫- Hi, how are you؟
‫You're gonna like this.
‫What's going on؟
‫You asked me to be here, ‫and I wasn't sure if I could.
‫Honestly... I mean, ‫meeting the parents is so...
‫Then I realized I wanna meet them but ‫I didn't know if you still wanted me to.
‫I've called and you haven't called me, ‫so then I thought I'm just gonna go,
‫because being in a relationship ‫means taking a risk... a leap of faith.
‫No matter how many times one ‫might have been disappointed before.
‫I said to myself I'm just gonna show ‫up... because you're a good man.
‫A really good man.
‫- Why haven't you called me back؟ ‫- I was just trying to be less available.
‫Really؟
‫You don't have to do everything I say.
‫Well, you're here now. ‫can I introduce you to my parents؟
‫- Won't they think I'm nuts؟ ‫- Probably.
‫They'll just have to get used to that.
‫come on, Nuts.
‫I realized then, that I had made ‫my stomach flip all on my own.
‫And it felt really nice.