‫۳۰۸ - The Big Time
‫Manhattan is a place
‫you can get anything anytime.
‫cabs at ۲:۰۰ am.
‫chinese food at ۳:۰۰.
‫But you can't get your dry-cleaning.
‫charlotte was spending ‫her time with Trey,
‫a doctor from family money
‫who had it all.
‫All, but all of charlotte.
‫Apparently Trey was one New Yorker
‫not getting everything anytime.
‫Trey is so thoughtful.
‫I wasn't feeling well last night...
‫so he took me for some soup
‫on ۷th street and then we went to ۲nd.
‫Avenue؟
‫Base.
‫Then did your physics homework with you؟
‫No, I wanna take it slow.
‫He could be the one.
‫You've only known him for two weeks.
‫You can know his e-mail address,
‫but not that he's the one.
‫I just know. And it's really hard, ‫because he's very sexy.
‫But I don't want to ‫ruin it by having sex too early.
‫oh, so you're everything-but-girl.
‫I like to think of it as... ‫kissing with extras.
‫Howvery ninth grade of you.
‫I read that if you don't have sex ‫for a year you can be revirginized.
‫And probably quite frisky.
‫But isn't it great؟ You can erase ‫your sexual past and start again.
‫Who wants their virginity back؟ ‫It was bad enough the first time.
‫How old were you؟
‫Eleventh grade. Seth Bateman.
‫His smelly rec room.
‫Half a joint, three thrusts, finito.
‫And ps, it was on the ping-pong table.
‫Meanwhile, I was doing ‫everything plus with Aidan.
‫I couldn't get out of bed with him.
‫My bed was our restaurant, ‫our entertainment, our little New York.
‫open ۲۴ hours.
‫When will they send ‫a search party for us؟
‫- I guess spring thaw. ‫- That's an awful long time, my friend.
‫Downtown another New Yorker ‫was enjoying her full life.
‫Samantha had a new apartment ‫in the ultra chic Meatpacking District
‫and a new admirer.
‫Well, there goes the neighborhood.
‫Len Schneider, ۴A.
‫- I collect art. ‫- Samantha Jones, ۲D.
‫- I guess you collect compliments. ‫- oh, Len. Stop.
‫Really, Len. Stop. ‫If you'll excuse me.
‫Listen, I would love to have you ‫come up to my place tonight.
‫I make a mean wine spritzer.
‫I don't think so. Sorry.
‫Samantha said sorry ‫but what she really meant was...
‫Since when is it acceptable
‫for over-the-hill losers to ask out ‫hot women like her؟
‫I'm keeping you ‫on neighborhood watch.
‫And just when Samantha thought ‫her day couldn't get any worse...
‫This is a catalogue ‫for pre-menopausal women.
‫"New Transitions. " ‫Nice name.
‫Why don't they call it what it is؟ ‫J.crewfor women who are drying up.
‫FYl, I'm not transitioning. ‫I'm happening.
‫You're on the wrong mailing list.
‫I shouldn't have signed up for that ‫"Mirabella" trial subscription.
‫I bought a back pillow on line and ‫ended up with catalogues for trusses.
‫- You got a back pillow؟ ‫- At I'm getting old. com.
‫Maybe I could interest you ‫in vaginal lubrication suppositories؟
‫Listen: "Ten years before menopause ‫you may have symptoms including:
‫"all month long PMS,
‫"fluid retention, insomnia, depression, ‫hot flushes or irregular periods. "
‫But people give up their seats ‫for you on the bus.
‫oh, my God! vagina weights.
‫My vagina waits for no man.
‫- Look. The Kegel Master. ‫- What's a kegel muscle؟
‫- It helps you sit tight. ‫- And I have one؟
‫- You don't do your exercises. ‫- What exercises؟
‫You have to tighten ‫and release it for ten minutes a day.
‫Kegel exercises... ‫I'm doing mine right now.
‫Man, she's good.
‫Well, I can't wait for menopause.
‫It will be freeing not to have periods.
‫I can't wait till flow stops ‫coming to town.
‫- No one calls it flow. ‫- My grandmother did.
‫No more mind-numbing cramps.
‫No kidding. ‫I've got mine right now. Big time.
‫- I hear that, sister. ‫- My God, I have my period too.
‫We're all synched up. ‫I've heard about that happening.
‫What؟ ‫I'll get mine in a few days.
‫If Samantha was running late, ‫I was running even later.
‫The "Gab Magazine" party ‫was in an hour
‫and my dress was at the cleaners.
‫oh, please, sir!
‫Shit.
‫Apparently my fabulous party dress ‫would be staying in for the evening.
‫Miranda and Steve decided ‫instead of staying in, they'd go out.
‫Since when did it become appropriate ‫to bring babies to restaurants؟
‫oh, come on. He's cute.
‫Yeah. God invented baby-sitters ‫for a reason.
‫I don't think it's so bad. ‫It's nice to have babies around.
‫Don't get me wrong. ‫I love babies, but not with my soup.
‫oh, my God. ‫Look at you. You're a mess!
‫- We should do it. Have a baby. ‫- Yeah, right.
‫I'm serious. We'd have a cute baby, ‫not one that looks like Khrushchev.
‫- We wouldn't have to get married. ‫- You're serious؟
‫Yes. The timing is perfect.
‫The timing is not perfect. We've only ‫been living together for two months.
‫It's way too quick. We cannot ‫have a baby. You're insane.
‫come on. ‫I want a baby. It'd be fun.
‫It's not like owning a foosball table. ‫Do you know how much work it is؟
‫Yeah, I know. But I can ‫hang out with him during the day.
‫Watch "Sesame Street" while you're ‫at work, then I go to work at the bar.
‫And I'd be up all night with the baby, ‫alone and getting no sleep,
‫then have to get up the next day ‫and work ۱۴ hours to make partner
‫so I can afford the apartment ‫you're watching "Sesame Street" in.
‫Let's hope the baby inherits ‫my positive attitude.
‫can we please talk ‫about something else؟
‫No problem.
‫While Miranda was left ‫contemplating diapers...
‫I was contemplating ‫McQueen versus Gucci.
‫It's your last chance to attend ‫a fabulous party with a fabulous girl.
‫- It's a party on a boat؟ ‫- correction: fancy boat.
‫And ps, the fabulous girl ‫is rumored to be easy.
‫- What's the party for؟ ‫- This new magazine, "Gab".
‫- Have you read it؟ ‫- No, I want the celebrity sightings.
‫I'd be stuck on this boat ‫with all these celebs.
‫And celebrity hangers-on.
‫It's tempting, but is it oK ‫if I stay on dry land؟
‫- of course. ‫- Will you still be easy later؟
‫- Is that a proposition؟ ‫- - Bon voyage
‫Bye.
‫The "Gab" party was everything ‫they promised and more.
‫Regis Philbin, Madonna and ‫"New Yorker" ex-editors were there.
‫- Hey, thanks. ‫- So, where was I؟
‫Unfortunately, ‫Trey was doing most of the gabbing.
‫- The part about the birthday present. ‫- That's right.
‫My mother gives me this awful ‫machine for sorting change...
‫He has a lot of change.
‫for my birthday.... ‫I lied to her and said I loved it.
‫I jumped into a cab ‫and drove that thing right back.
‫So there I was, on... ‫۴۰th and Broadway.
‫- I hear a woman yell like a hyena. ‫- I did not!
‫The cab stops. I almost hit my head ‫on that plastic partition. I got out...
‫He told him to stop the meter.
‫And there was charlotte, lying on ‫the street. That's how we met.
‫And that's how we met.
‫- That's very sweet. ‫- oh, and the cabbie got mad.
‫- It's oK, cos I remember. ‫- Anyway, it was fate.
‫If my mother didn't give me bad gifts
‫this wonderful gift ‫would never have come into my life.
‫I'd heard the story ‫at least three times.
‫Another minute of Trey and we would ‫be in a man overboard situation.
‫- Hey, I'm gonna go to hit the buffet. ‫- oK.
‫Not too hard.
‫As I walked away, I realised I hadn't ‫seen charlotte that happy in years
‫and with a man ‫she had known for five minutes.
‫And just when I thought I was safe...
‫- Hello. ‫- oh, hi.
‫cheese.
‫Hello.
‫I ran into the man... ‫I'd been happy with for five minutes.
‫- Right. Well, hi. ‫- I thought I might see you here.
‫You did؟
‫- Where's Natasha؟ ‫- She missed the boat.
‫I'm sorry.
‫very crowded.
‫Well, I gotta...
‫Dominick Dunne is holding my place ‫in the bathroom line.
‫Big and I, trapped together on a boat ‫without dates.
‫We were two miles offshore. ‫There was no way off.
‫children and women ‫with emotional baggage first.
‫carrie. Look what Trey gave me. ‫Isn't it beautiful؟
‫Wow. cartier.
‫It was a surprise. He said ‫the last fewweeks have been special.
‫And that he's smitten. ‫Look, it's inscribed.
‫Let's see. "To charlotte. ‫It's about time I met you. "
‫Sweetie, that's great.
‫- When does this boat dock؟ ‫- Around ۱۰.:۰۰.
‫- What time is it؟ ‫- It's not set yet.
‫- It's pretty. ‫- Thanks. I better get back to Trey.
‫I think this is it, carrie. ‫I can feel it.
‫one woman's "Titanic" ‫is another woman's "Love Boat".
‫- Boo. ‫- Jesus.
‫So what was that back there؟
‫I... I don't know.
‫- can't we have a conversation؟ ‫- I don't know. can we؟
‫Around Brooklyn ‫there's gonna be a mutiny. Pass it on.
‫- What a spiffy opener. ‫- I try.
‫So what are you؟ Are you...
‫- Are you seeing anyone؟ ‫- Yeah, I am.
‫He's great. ‫He's perfect, actually.
‫Where is he, Mr Perfect؟
‫He's home. I didn't wanna subject him ‫to the slimy media leeches.
‫Good idea.
‫Present company excluded.
‫- That's some outfit, kid. ‫- Really؟ Do you think so؟
‫If you like this, you'll love the one ‫being held hostage on ۷۴th and Lex.
‫It's good to see you.
‫The next morning I recovered ‫from my see-Big sickness,
‫while downtown, Samantha realised ‫maybe her ship had sailed.
‫She was five days late.
‫Later we did brunch and bathroom ‫at Time cafe.
‫- I'm in love with him. ‫- You're not in love with him.
‫You're in love with ‫the expensive watch he gave you.
‫- Do you have another؟ ‫- I'm not Tampax central. Buy them.
‫I have them at home. But they ‫won't fit in my Kate Spade purse.
‫Wow, Kate must have a tiny vagina.
‫The watch is a sign ‫that he's in love with me too.
‫- He's just in blue ball hell. ‫- Sometimes you just know.
‫We're the right match. It's fate.
‫It's not fate. ‫His light is on. That's all.
‫- What light؟ ‫- Men are like cabs.
‫When they're available, ‫their light goes on.
‫They wake up one day, decide ‫to settle down, and turn their light on.
‫The next woman they pick up ‫is the one they'll marry. It's not fate.
‫- It's dumb luck. ‫- I can't believe that love is random.
‫You gotta get them ‫when their light's on.
‫- Men I meet are flashing yellows. ‫- or off duty.
‫They can drive around for years ‫and not be available.
‫They shouldn't be allowed ‫to get behind the wheel!
‫Most men don't stay lit long ‫before they take the plunge
‫versus most women who ‫have been lit pretty much since birth.
‫That was my last tampon. ‫Are you packing؟
‫No, I don't have a tampon and ‫probably will never need one again.
‫- A "no" is good enough. ‫- I haven't had my period in ۳۵ days.
‫- Are you...؟ ‫- No, I'm not pregnant. I'm...
‫- I'm drying up. ‫- come on. You're overreacting.
‫- It was a stupid catalogue. ‫- I'm day-old bread. My time is up.
‫Enjoy your flows.
‫For someone with no period ‫you've got a mean case of PMS.
‫You have years of miserable cramps ‫ahead of you.
‫Ladies...
‫What I'm about to tell you...
‫may come as a shock.
‫I'm a little...
‫older than you.
‫That night I couldn't stop thinking ‫about time.
‫Was every second of our lives ‫controlled by fate؟
‫or is life a series ‫of random occurrences؟
‫If I wasn't always ten minutes late, ‫would my life be totally different؟
‫Would I never run into Big؟ Would ‫there ever be a good time to see him؟
‫Was Miranda right؟
‫Is timing everything؟
‫could you turn that down؟ ‫I'm working.
‫oK, not low enough.
‫You're gonna have to get used ‫to the noise with a baby around.
‫Look. I've been thinking ‫about this baby thing.
‫We're not in a great place right now.
‫can we have this conversation ‫without "Scooby Doo"؟
‫It's the one where they find the ghost ‫in the salt mine.
‫- I'm serious. Turn off the cartoons. ‫- But what about the ghost؟
‫- You knowwhat؟ Forget it. ‫- Miranda.
‫Then Miranda realised she may have ‫already had a baby in her house.
‫I wanna shelve ‫this baby thing for a while.
‫oK, you got it.
‫Put a coaster under that glass
‫and turn off the lights ‫before you come to bed.
‫We haven't had sex in over a week ‫and he wants a baby.
‫What's wrong with this picture؟
‫You can always go ‫the Immaculate conception route.
‫Seriously, we're in this shitty place.
‫We fight and I'm working long hours ‫for this partner thing.
‫And he's using a baby as a Band-Aid ‫for everything that's wrong with us.
‫- What is wrong with you guys؟ ‫- I don't know.
‫It's like he's a kid ‫and I end up nagging him all the time.
‫I'm mean mommy and no one ‫wants to fuck mean mommy.
‫oh, I believe you.
‫Maybe I'm sabotaging the relationship ‫so I don't have to actually be happy.
‫Maybe the problem is me.
‫This baby is gonna need ‫a lot of therapy.
‫- There is no baby! ‫- oK, mean mommy.
‫But I do want one eventually ‫and my clock is running out.
‫I've only got a million viable eggs left.
‫۳۰۰ of which we just killed ‫with those martinis at lunch.
‫That night, Samantha got drunk.
‫She had lost her spirit and no pill ‫in the catalogue could correct that.
‫And so she accepted a date with Len.
‫After all, day-old bread ‫needed to stick together.
‫- Ever been in a cadillac Eldorado؟ ‫- No.
‫oh, those babies are smooth. ‫They have buttons for everything.
‫There's even a button to adjust ‫your lumbar. Great for my hip.
‫Did I tell you I have an artificial hip؟
‫- No. ‫- Hard to believe, baby؟
‫Samantha couldn't listen ‫to one more minute of Len.
‫So she slept with him ‫and his hip to shut him up.
‫Yeah, baby.
‫Give it to daddy.
‫- oh, Jesus. ‫- What.
‫Baby, either you're a virgin ‫or flow just came to town.
‫- My period؟ ‫- There's blood everywhere.
‫oh, my God. That is so...
‫These sheets are two grand a set.
‫I'm sorry, really very sorry.
‫Samantha said sorry. ‫What she really meant was...
‫there are more young studs in this ‫pre-pre-menopausal woman's future.
‫This is embarrassing. I should go.
‫Thanks for dinner.
‫The next day, Miranda was putting in ‫time and a half at her firm when...
‫- Miranda Hobbes. ‫- Hey.
‫I'm busy and can't talk.
‫Meet me in half an hour ‫at ۵۶th and ۳rd, oK؟
‫- I can't, I got a meeting at ۴.:۰۰. ‫- come on, it will help.
‫- Please. ‫- oK.
‫- This is not gonna happen. ‫- come on. Look at them.
‫How exactly would this help us؟
‫Maybe we're not ready for a baby.
‫- This could be a test run. ‫- Who would take care of the test run؟
‫Me.
‫Please, buyer lady. ‫Take me home and love me.
‫- You're insane. ‫- Not in front of the puppy!
‫Miranda had been backed ‫into a corner.
‫Even though she was surrounded ‫by bitches, she didn't wanna be one.
‫oK.
‫charlotte and Trey ‫were performing their usual duet.
‫and then I got out and found you....
‫oh, really؟ I found you.
‫- I think I should come in. ‫- No, sweetie.
‫I have an early meeting. But thanks, ‫I had a lovely time. Really.
‫Me too.
‫- Good night. ‫- Good night.
‫- You're very persistent. ‫- I wanna tell you something.
‫- I love you, charlotte. ‫- You do؟
‫- Yeah. ‫- I love you too.
‫That night, charlotte ‫got everything she wanted.
‫Trey got a hand job.
‫And at ۳:۰۰ am Miranda ‫was getting nothing but aggravated.
‫Please, go to sleep.
‫Please, I beg you. ‫Here. Look.
‫This is supposed to be your mom's ‫heart beating or... something.
‫- Are you happy؟ ‫- Not really.
‫We get this puppy. ‫I'm the only one taking care of it.
‫I've been up all night. You're asleep. ‫This was a huge mistake.
‫come on, relax. It will be fine.
‫For you, because ‫you're not doing anything.
‫He's just getting used to us.
‫Poochie, poochie, puppy boy.
‫Give mommy a kiss.
‫This is it. ‫I'm so sick of you being the kid here.
‫I cannot be in charge all the time. ‫We're supposed to be equals.
‫You think we can have a baby؟ ‫We can't even have a puppy together.
‫- We're going through a rough patch. ‫- This isn't a patch.
‫This is it. All the time. ‫And it's not good.
‫Great. So you're just ‫gonna give up on us, just like that؟
‫Not just like that.
‫I have been trying not to give up ‫on us for a long time.
‫- That's nice. ‫- I'm just being honest.
‫Then Miranda realised something.
‫All this time, ‫she thought the problem was her.
‫It wasn't. It was them.
‫And there was never a good time ‫to say what she had to say.
‫- This isn't gonna work, Steve. ‫- There's good stuff, here.
‫Not enough.
‫A baby would've been a quick fix ‫for something that can't be fixed.
‫- Because you don't want it to work. ‫- That's so unfair.
‫- I don't wanna fight you anymore. ‫- Do you think I do؟
‫I don't know.
‫Steve...
‫I really tried.
‫That night, Miranda lost her partner.
‫The next day, she got a new one.
‫Fifteen of them.
‫Meanwhile, ‫I was still enjoying my one.
‫Do you wanna have a sleepover؟
‫Let me set the timer.
‫I didn't know about Aidan ‫but my light was definitely on.
‫You have one new message.
‫Hey, carrie, I'm...
‫I knewwho it was. I couldn't stop Big ‫coming back into my life.
‫But I could stop him ‫from coming out of my machine.
‫Hey, you're out of filters. ‫I'm gonna run down to the Korean.
‫- Hey... ‫- Yeah؟
‫You make me really happy.
‫- See you in a bit. ‫- oK.
‫oh, that was very fast.
‫- What are you doing here؟ ‫- Didn't you get my message؟
‫No, I paused it.
‫- What are you doing here؟ ‫- That was him, wasn't it؟
‫- The perfect guy. ‫- Yes and he's coming back, so...
‫Please.
‫What do you want؟
‫I don't know.
‫No, go home to your wife.
‫Go.
‫I'm so fucked up.
‫I had no idea ‫what else Big was gonna say.
‫And I'm not sure ‫what bugged me more.
‫That I didn't know or that I cared.
‫Hey, carrie. ‫I'm here on your corner.
‫I knowyou're home. Pick up.
‫Jesus.
‫Well, I miss you.
‫I can't fucking stop thinking ‫about you. There you have it.
‫There it was. ‫Exactly what I had needed to hear...
‫a year too late.
‫I should have been happy, ‫but I wasn't.
‫It was the absolute worst timing of all.
‫Ten minutes later, ‫Aidan still hadn't come back.
‫Suddenly my life was all about timing.
‫All the right things ‫said at all the wrong times.
‫My past coming back way too fast.
‫And my future ‫taking way too long to come home.