‫۳۰۹ - Easy Come, Easy Go
‫oK, I gotta go.
‫Have a good day. Give me a kiss.
‫Bye-bye.
‫one unfortunate thing
‫about ending a relationship
‫in a city like New York
‫is while you can emotionally ‫move away from each other,
‫you physically can't.
‫Going to work؟
‫Yeah, work.
‫- Sorry about waking you. ‫- What time is it؟
‫- ۶:۳۰. ‫- Jesus. Why so early؟
‫I got a brief due, so...
‫There was nothing brief about it.
‫Steve and Miranda had been doing ‫the polite avoid-each-other
‫break-up-dance for three weeks.
‫I'm sorry it's taking me so long
‫to find a place.
‫I got a lead on one, though.
‫oK.
‫Hey, do you... Never mind.
‫What؟
‫I was gonna ask if you'd look at it ‫with me,
‫but that's weird, right؟
‫- I don't know. We could do that. ‫- Yeah؟
‫When you find that place to move,
‫you need to fill it with furniture.
‫That's why smart New Yorkers
‫frequent the opening day ‫of the New Designer showcase.
‫I'm like your roady.
‫I don't have a road. ‫I just have this booth.
‫- At best, you're my booth-bitch. ‫- Yeah, I'm your booth-bitch.
‫I wax your wood.
‫You wax it real good.
‫That's because I'm your booth-bitch.
‫You watch the booth. ‫I'm going to get us some coffee.
‫Whatever you say. ‫I'm your booth-bitch.
‫That's sexy. I like it.
‫I didn't need ‫- a blue-ribbon panel to decide
‫he was the finest new designer ‫in the whole place.
‫I'd often fantasized ‫about running into my ex and his wife,
‫but in those fantasies ‫I was running into them with a truck.
‫I don't know howyou could like ‫this clunky wood. It's oppressive.
‫- What the fuck؟ ‫- Hi.
‫Hi. I'm working here.
‫I mean, I'm not working. ‫This is my boyfriend's booth.
‫I'm his booth-bitch.
‫- That's a joke. Guess it's an in-joke. ‫- I get it.
‫So. can I showyou something ‫in a hutch؟
‫His pieces are fantastic. ‫It's just not really our style.
‫No. We only like teeny-tiny furniture.
‫This is the designer. ‫This is Aidan Shaw.
‫Great stuff.
‫Thanks, man.
‫- oak؟ ‫- It's mostly maple.
‫There we were. Mostly maple ‫and incredibly uncomfortable.
‫- Sorry, I didn't get your names. ‫- oh, I'm sorry.
‫These are my friends.
‫This is Natasha, and this is...
‫Shit. Sorry, is that hot؟
‫It ain't cold.
‫- Here. ‫- No, I'll...
‫- We should put cold water on this. ‫- oK.
‫It was nice meeting you.
‫Thanks for the coffee.
‫- They seem nice. ‫- Yeah, don't they؟
‫- Where do you knowthem from؟ ‫- From around.
‫Like ۱۰۰ years ago.
‫It's a past life.
‫Two hours later, ‫it was time for the opening-day party.
‫It was lovely. caviar, silent auctions, ‫and landmines.
‫Where's Paul Bunyan؟
‫- If you're referring to my boyfriend ‫he's doing business.
‫ooh, he's a big 'un! ‫Where did he learn to whittle like that؟
‫How many drinks ‫have you had؟
‫Not nearly enough.
‫So... How are you؟
‫I'm great.
‫And Daniel Boone, is he a nice guy؟
‫His name is Aidan.
‫- Where is your sense of humor؟ ‫- Where is your wife؟
‫Guarding her bid on the silent auction. ‫She's got her eye on a beige chair.
‫Everything in my apartment ‫is now beige.
‫Beige is bullshit.
‫I thought you wanted beige.
‫Yeah, well... It doesn't quite fit.
‫- Have you got a smoke؟ ‫- I quit.
‫We always used to share ‫a cigarette together.
‫We did a lot of things ‫that were bad for me together.
‫I have a secret ‫to tell you.
‫It's not working. ‫I'm getting out.
‫If you know anyone ‫who's interested...
‫You should keep that to yourself. ‫No one wants that information.
‫- Big's leaving his wife. ‫- No!
‫- He told me at the furniture show. ‫- What was he doing there؟
‫- Drinking and leaving his wife. ‫- oh, my God.
‫- Let's just say it. You won. ‫- Was there a contest؟
‫There's always a contest with an ex. ‫It's called "Who'll Die Miserable؟".
‫- What did he say؟ ‫- He said, "It's not working out. "
‫Then he leaned in and said, "If you ‫know anyone who's interested... "
‫You don't know anyone ‫who is interested. He's married.
‫- I'm aware of that. ‫- Why is he telling you؟
‫To save postage on his newsletter؟
‫- What are you gonna do؟ ‫- Nothing.
‫- She's not gonna do anything. ‫- You're starting to bug me.
‫How dare he say that to you؟ ‫Married men never leave their wives.
‫Even if he did, I have no intention ‫- of doing anything for two reasons
‫I have a great boyfriend, ‫and I'm not insane.
‫Let's order. What do winners order؟
‫- Didn't you feel like punching him؟ ‫- No. It was too sad or something.
‫- I would have punched him. ‫- No, it is sad.
‫How long has he been married؟ ‫Seven months؟
‫The seven-month itch.
‫That's what happens when people ‫jump into relationships too quickly.
‫I resent that. Trey and I ‫are nothing like Big and Natasha.
‫Don't listen to her. ‫She's mid-break-up.
‫- Thanks for the update. ‫- Trey and I really love each other.
‫Who wants to split a Rubin؟
‫I'm meeting his mother this week, ‫and if all goes well...
‫If all goes well what؟
‫Trey is this close to proposing. ‫I can feel it.
‫oh, my God. Really؟
‫You've just met. ‫I've had pairs of pantyhose longer.
‫It's not logical. This is love.
‫It's not logical. ‫It's right, in my heart. I feel it's right.
‫oK, whatever.
‫So, how did he look؟
‫oK. I'll take it.
‫As Miranda looked around, ‫she realized the contest was over.
‫Steve was the ex that was ‫going to die alone and miserable.
‫- You can't live here. ‫- It's not that bad.
‫It's not that bad؟ ‫It's the doorway to hell.
‫There's gotta be a better place. ‫I'll help you look.
‫- Guilt؟ ‫- Probably.
‫I broke up with him, and he's got ‫no money, no savings, no nothing.
‫There should be a city-funded ‫break-up housing for those in need.
‫Really؟
‫A big orphanage where old boyfriends ‫could think about what they did wrong
‫and cry themselves to sleep ‫in a clean, safe environment.
‫You think you don't really ‫want him to move away؟
‫It's not that simple.
‫My head tells me it's time ‫for him to leave, but the idea of him
‫moving into a basement apartment ‫in West Shit Street breaks my heart.
‫It's a common belief that women use ‫the left, emotional side of their brain
‫and men the right, more logical side.
‫But is it really that cut and dry؟
‫When it comes to affairs of the heart,
‫there's a battle between ‫what we know and what we feel.
‫What do you do in a situation
‫that leaps back and forth ‫between the left and right side؟
‫In relationships, is it smarter ‫to follow your heart or your head؟
‫This is Trey when he graduated ‫from medical school.
‫Later that week, charlotte met ‫- the head and heart of Trey's family
‫his mother, ‫Bunny MacDougal.
‫Trey, you look so cute ‫in a cap and gown!
‫That was before we jumped ‫in the fountain and hell broke loose.
‫- What's next ‫boy scout snaps؟
‫count your blessings I didn't bring ‫the one on the bearskin rug.
‫You'll have to excuse her. ‫She's a bit of a camera nazi.
‫If you insist on dragging us ‫down memory lane,
‫I'm getting a real drink. ‫Excuse me, a Glenlivet rocks, please.
‫Maybe you should have a red wine ‫instead. Better for the heart.
‫- All righty. ‫- Red wine.
‫Thomas, we'd love some more ‫nibbly cheese things.
‫- very good, ma'am. ‫- Thank you.
‫He's older than water, ‫but never forgets a martini.
‫- Do you play tennis؟ ‫- Mm-hm.
‫I like her.
‫Join the club.
‫- What are you two doing tonight؟ ‫- We've got reservations at cloche.
‫I was there last week. Disappointing ‫crab and the host was rude.
‫Maybe you should go ‫to cote Basque instead.
‫All righty.
‫charlotte was impressed ‫with Bunny's technique.
‫Trey had been looking forward ‫to cloche all week.
‫Meanwhile, downtown, Samantha was ‫entertaining Adam Ball, a film editor
‫who made a living cutting coming ‫attractions for film companies.
‫coming.
‫I'm coming.
‫oh, man!
‫You give good head.
‫I'm dating a guy ‫with the funkiest tasting spunk.
‫And she's never coming back.
‫Sorry, but who else ‫can I talk to about this؟
‫- Might I suggest, no one؟ ‫- You're my girlfriends. Help me.
‫- Have you ever had this problem؟ ‫- Not really.
‫But I have to admit it's never been ‫a trip to Baskin-Robins.
‫This guy is very sour. Like asparagus ‫gone bad or something.
‫can I cancel my rice pudding؟
‫Beautiful guy, great in bed, ‫it's so disappointing.
‫It's like a bad bottle of Beaujolais ‫Nouveau the first day of season.
‫It's to do with nutrition. I once dated ‫a smoker. It affected how his tasted.
‫They should put that ‫on the pack to cut back sales.
‫Maybe there's something he could eat ‫to make it sweeter.
‫- You should write to Martha Stewart. ‫- Dear Martha, funky spunk, help!
‫Dear funky spunk, try a hint of mint.
‫It's not just asparagus. ‫It's asparagus and something else.
‫I know: clorox.
‫- At least it'll get your whites whiter. ‫- This is serious. I almost gagged.
‫- That is serious. ‫- What am I gonna do؟
‫- Just don't give him head again. ‫- I never even thought of that.
‫casual head is back now؟
‫It's fine. He's healthy, ‫and I don't swallow.
‫As long as you and the center ‫for disease control are fine with it.
‫He loves getting head, ‫but what man doesn't؟
‫If the come-situation were reversed, ‫do you think men would go near it؟
‫Maybe. ‫If it tasted like beer.
‫Miranda came home to something ‫that was even harder to swallow.
‫You have one new message.
‫Hi. If this is steve's number...
‫This is Barbara. We met last night. ‫I'm the advertising exec.
‫Steve, if this is you, call me. ‫I'd love to go to a movie sometime.
‫Today, ۱۲:۲۲ pm.
‫And on an answering machine ‫across town...
‫You have one new message.
‫Hi, it's me. I need to talk to you ‫about what I said the other day.
‫It's important. ‫You know my cell number.
‫The right side of my brain ‫told me to delete it.
‫But I left it.
‫It's important. ‫You know my cell number.
‫Seven playbacks later, ‫I invited an impartial judge.
‫- Well؟ ‫- You should have punched him.
‫He wants to get back together, right؟ ‫That's the tone.
‫The "Hi" and the "It's important". ‫Is that what it means؟
‫We will never know. They still ‫don't know who killed Kennedy.
‫- What should I do؟ ‫- It's obvious what you want to do
‫or you wouldn't listen to it and what ‫happened to the sane part of you؟
‫I don't know. After the fifth playback ‫he got in a little.
‫- I hate my machine. ‫- Yeah.
‫I hate mine too.
‫Steve got a message from a girl ‫desperate for him to go to a movie.
‫- Already؟ He's still on your couch. ‫- I know. It's amazing.
‫A ۳۴-year-old guy ‫with no money and no place to live
‫because he's single, ‫he's a catch.
‫But a ۳۴-year-old woman ‫with a job and a great home
‫because she's single, ‫is considered tragic.
‫Depressing.
‫Let's listen to that message again.
‫I'm deleting it.
‫But it wasn't that simple.
‫As soon as Miranda left, my emotions ‫overruled both sides of my brain.
‫- Hello؟ ‫- It's carrie.
‫oh, hey. Thanks for calling.
‫It's about getting out of my marriage.
‫I didn't knowwhy I called ‫or what I wanted,
‫but suddenly my heart was racing.
‫I thought about it, ‫and it's going to cost me a lot.
‫You should forget about what I said.
‫I made my bed, I should lie in it.
‫You do that.
‫It was what I needed. A shock ‫treatment to jolt me back to sanity.
‫- You have cracks. ‫- Excuse me؟
‫The ceiling.
‫How long have they been there؟
‫- Just three years. ‫- oh, just three years؟
‫Don't take this the wrong way, ‫but this place could use a little work.
‫I can't afford it.
‫- You got ۸,۰۰۰ bucks worth of shoes. ‫- I needed those.
‫- You could do little things ‫plaster, strip the floors...
‫You have no idea how beautiful ‫it would be if we took it down a level.
‫I don't know how to do that stuff.
‫I do.
‫- Let me strip your floors. ‫- Isn't that a lot of work؟
‫No. It'll just take a day. ‫You won't know I'm here.
‫Sure؟ Really؟
‫A special lady needs a special home.
‫Here am I with a guy ‫who wanted to make my home better.
‫Somewhere out there was a guy ‫who wanted to pull it apart.
‫It wasn't a left or right-brainer, ‫it was a no-brainer.
‫- Tell me why we're here again. ‫- I'm making an effort to eat better.
‫After a browse ‫on the healthysperm. com web page,
‫Samantha invited Adam Ball to dinner.
‫oK, here are your wheat grass shots.
‫I'll be right back with the menus.
‫- I can't drink that. ‫- Try it. It's very good for you.
‫Bottoms up.
‫That shit is funky!
‫Samantha fought the urge not to tell ‫Adam Ball he didn't knowfrom funky.
‫How long does it take for wheat grass ‫to work into your system؟
‫- Hard to say. ‫- Ballpark.
‫An hour and a half.
‫We should order.
‫An hour and a half, ‫two wheat grass shots
‫and a ginger-melon smoothie later,
‫I'm coming.
‫Man, man, man, you give good head.
‫oh, babe.
‫What؟ You don't like your salad؟
‫No. The dressing's a tad... something.
‫Excuse me, I'd like to change this ‫for the rucola and endive.
‫You should try the tomato basil. ‫It's sweeter.
‫All righty.
‫- Mom was quite taken with you. ‫- She is؟
‫Why wouldn't she be؟ ‫You're exquisite.
‫You are a dream come true.
‫charlotte knewthis was the moment,
‫that magic moment where Trey ‫was going to ask her to be his wife.
‫- charlotte. ‫- Yes؟
‫- Tomato and basil؟ ‫- Yes.
‫Enjoy.
‫Doesn't this look ‫like a little plate of heaven؟
‫This basil is perfection.
‫What is it about you charlotte؟ ‫You always know just what I want.
‫- Maybe we should get married. ‫- All righty.
‫- I'm engaged. ‫- oh, my God. Really؟
‫- That's wonderful, sweetie. ‫- I proposed to myself.
‫- What؟ ‫- Yes.
‫I suggested he have a tomato salad, ‫then I suggested we get married.
‫What did he say؟
‫"All righty. "
‫"All righty"؟ ‫He said, "All righty"؟
‫The upsetting thing is proposing ‫to a guy who says "all righty".
‫Stop.
‫- All righty. ‫- I was the one supposed to say yes.
‫- Who cares about those stupid rules؟ ‫- I do.
‫You're overreacting. ‫You love Trey, right؟
‫And you want to marry him, right؟
‫Yes, but there was no kneeling.
‫There was no ring, no nothing.
‫This is an awful engagement story. ‫What am I supposed to tell my kids؟
‫Mommy really wanted to get married, ‫so Daddy said, "All righty".
‫So unromantic.
‫Steve؟ The dog!
‫Steve. It's ۴.:۰۰ am.
‫Miranda realized ‫he was with the girl executive.
‫It was officially over. ‫She finally got it into her head.
‫- Morning. ‫- Morning.
‫- I took the dog out already. ‫- Thanks. I was...
‫There's coffee, and I circled a bunch ‫of apartments that sound good.
‫I'll get out of here today. Thanks for ‫letting me sleep on your couch.
‫You're welcome.
‫I think we did pretty good.
‫We did us proud.
‫Steve...
‫- Never mind. ‫- What؟
‫I was gonna say, "Keep in touch", ‫but that would be weird.
‫I guess we could do that.
‫Aidan.
‫You said I wouldn't be bothered. ‫I'm bothered.
‫- It's too loud؟ ‫- Yeah. I've got a deadline.
‫- Go to my house. ‫- No, I can't write there.
‫Pete's jumping all over me. ‫He's deleting things.
‫I'm leaving. ‫I'll be at the Stanhope Hotel.
‫- At least let me pay for it. ‫- No, I got it.
‫This is why I don't do home repairs. ‫Unforeseen costs.
‫You'll love these floors.
‫Mom was beside herself. ‫She demanded your address...
‫-... so she could send flowers. ‫- That's nice.
‫charlotte had done the impossible ‫in New York.
‫She was engaged ‫to her heart's desire.
‫Unfortunately, she couldn't get ‫the way it happened out of her head.
‫Wait.
‫I think we should ‫stop here for a minute.
‫Maybe we should go in and find you ‫the most beautiful ring they have.
‫All righty.
‫From that moment on, ‫charlotte would tell everyone
‫that in front of Tiffany's, out of ‫nowhere, Trey popped the question.
‫And she said, "All righty".
‫I'm not really in the mood ‫for that tonight.
‫come on, baby, ‫you give the greatest head. Please.
‫- It's not gonna happen. ‫- Why؟ What's the problem؟
‫Well, Adam...
‫- You've got funky tasting spunk. ‫- What؟
‫You heard me. ‫Your spunk is funky.
‫- My spunk؟ ‫- come, spooge, jiz, joy juice. Funky.
‫I've heard bad excuses for not giving ‫head, but this one takes the cake.
‫- Excuse me؟ ‫- You're a two blow job chick.
‫They're in the coming attractions ‫but I'll never see them in the movie.
‫I resent that. I love giving head.
‫Then give me a little BJ. Up and down ‫a couple of times, it's easy.
‫You men have no idea ‫what we're dealing with down there.
‫Teeth placement, jaw stress, ‫suction, and gag reflex,
‫all the while bobbing up and down, ‫moaning and trying to breathe. Easy؟
‫Honey, they don't call it ‫a job for nothin'.
‫Now, having said all that,
‫with the right man it can be fabulous.
‫That is, unless the man has spunk ‫that's like the rotten egg buffet.
‫come on, it can't be that bad.
‫I'll make a deal with you.
‫You try it.
‫If you're fine with it, I'll be fine with it.
‫I can't do that. It's gay.
‫It's not gay, if it's you.
‫Take it or leave it.
‫Ten minutes later, Samantha learnt ‫how far men would go for a blow job.
‫I'm fine with it.
‫Samantha kept her word.
‫She gave him head, ‫but her heart wasn't in it.
‫- Hello؟ ‫- It's me.
‫- I'm in the lobby. ‫- How did you know I was here؟
‫- That guy at your place... ‫- You called my house again؟
‫- I have to talk to you. ‫- I have to talk to you too. Stay there.
‫Shit.
‫- This is not the lobby. ‫- Have a drink.
‫What are you doing, calling my house, ‫following me to hotels؟
‫could you sit down for one minute ‫and listen to me؟
‫Please. one minute.
‫I don't have time. ‫I have a boyfriend and a deadline,
‫and you have a wife ‫and a drinking problem.
‫- I'm not drunk. ‫- Then what is your excuse؟
‫Slow down, I can't think.
‫- I was an asshole the other day. ‫- Yes.
‫When I said I was leaving, you didn't ‫say anything. I got nervous, so...
‫So, what؟
‫I don't know.
‫This has to stop - flirting, jerking me ‫around, calling my boyfriend.
‫He doesn't know about you, ‫and I don't want him to.
‫Why؟
‫Go, lie in your beige bed.
‫carrie, wait, wait.
‫I haven't explained this very well. ‫Wait a minute. Listen.
‫The thing is, fuck, I miss you.
‫Too bad.
‫- Do not come in here. ‫- I have to talk to you.
‫What؟ What is it you have to say؟
‫I made a mistake.
‫Fuck you.
‫I love you.
‫Fuck you.
‫My mind was yelling how angry I was, ‫but my heart...
‫Fuck me.
‫And just like that I lost my head.