Speed: Let's, uh, jump on in now, folks.
I love starting the walking tour standing still,
because this way we're our own natural, organic Greek chorus,
walking around our own unfolding Greek drama.
And just like any Greek chorus
in relationship to its unfolding plot,
we'll be participating, observing, commenting,
but never really committing, if you know what I mean.
As, most importantly, the walking tour is designed
to be an intimate soirée
that waltzes across this vast alienation--
Hey, people are trying to get to work, you dumb motherfuckers!
Welcome!
Let's charge off now into the great random choreography
that appears five times a week:
rush hour,
starring neurosis, the mediocre psychedelic trip
guiding all of this.
Off to your right, Central Park.
(voices harmonizing)
-♪ Everybody ♪ -♪ Everybody ♪
All: -♪ Everybody say yeah, yeah ♪ -♪ Yeah, yeah ♪
♪ Say yeah, yeah ♪
♪ Say yeah, say yeah, say yeah ♪
♪ Say yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah ♪
-♪ Say yeah, say yeah ♪ -♪ Yeah ♪
- ♪ Say yeah ♪ - ♪ Yeah ♪
-♪ Everybody ♪ -♪ Everybody ♪
All: ♪ Everybody say yeah, yeah, yeah! ♪
(light applause)
Don't you say that to me! Don't you ever say that to me!
You know, you may be able to get away with that with the old man,
get him tanked up for a week,
buy him off with your Hollywood blood money,
-but not me. -It was just an offer.
Yeah, well, keep it to yourself.
♪ Tap, tap, tapping on the glass ♪
-(Irish accent): Fuck the committee! -Dad worked his whole life
building a life here for you. You're just gonna throw it away?
I'm not getting stuck, too.
Come, the third, Laertes. You do but dally.
♪ Rivers belong where they can ramble ♪
♪ Eagles belong where they can fly ♪
♪ I've got to be where my spirit can run free ♪
-(phone vibrates) -♪ I've got to find my corner ♪
♪ Of the sky! ♪
Thank you all so much for coming.
As you know, this is our first-ever New York agent showcase,
and the kids are so darned excited to meet you.
Thank you so much for coming
and making their dreams come true.
Uh, and now the great work begins.
Oh, I'm-- I'm sorry. Uh, okay, I'm--
I-- I'll just collect your-- your forms,
uh, that you filled out, and if you didn't, please do, uh...
Thank you so much. I'm Leonard Tully, as I said,
and my picture and resume's not in your packet,
but I've got a stack of them backstage if anybody wants one.
-Thanks. -(laughing): I'm kidding.
Oh. hi. Hi, hi, hi, hi.
Don't go, I wanna sit and talk to you.
(whispering): Okay, I'll see you back there.
I'm gonna hang on to mine, thanks.
Okay. Thanks for coming.
-So good, so good. -Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you.
Thanks, thanks. They-- Listen, you gotta go out and mingle
-'cause they're dying to meet a real live actor. -Okay, okay.
Told 'em all about you.
Curtis: I'm telling you, all you need
is a couple of good knives and a big pot
so you can make soup for the whole week.
-What about getting an agent? -Oh, that'll happen when it happens.
But in the meantime, you better get yourself
a roommate and get into soup!
Of course, there's lots of wine, yeah.
Oh, wait, wait, wait. Janelle, Janelle, Janelle!
Oh, thank you so much for coming!
Yeah, it's so-- it's so great to see you!
-Yeah, it's great to see you, too! -Thank you.
-Thank you so much for inviting me. -Of course, of course!
Listen, do you have any tips
or thoughts I should pass along to them?
Uh, um... Oh, I loved that song from Dear Evan Hansen.
Oh, my God, it's so good.
Actually, I've got to get back to the office.
-Oh. -It really was so great to see you, Leonard!
-Thank you. -I'll let you know if there's interest,
but, you know, we're boutique, so we can only take on so many.
Of course, of course. Look, I know how show business works.
-Oh, whoa, whoa... Yeah. -All right, take your call.
-Thanks for coming. It's great. So much love. Bye. -Yeah. Yeah. Bye.
What did she say?
Does she want to meet any of us or--?
Well, here's the thing-- here's the thing about agents
is that they work in a clump,
-and so-- -Leonard, do we get to see our sheets?
Well, you know, guys, I want you to meet my friend Curtis.
We did Angels together at the Old Globe.
He has amazing stories, and he'll be able to really tell you
some things that I can't. Just listen and learn.
And if they want you in a cock sock, you wear a cock sock.
And there ain't nothing you can do about it. Hopefully, it's the right size.
I didn't even see you here, girl.
Now, let me tell you right now, look at these freckles.
You let people see them freckles, because it's
what makes you different, it's what makes you good.
Leonard: What the hell is this?
-Do you know what NVS means? -Curtis: What's the context?
Leonard: It's what some of the agents wrote on the kids' forms.
NVS or NVG next to everybody's name except Sunny's.
Well, I don't know. It's "New Verging Singer," "Now Very Strong,"
"Nubile Versatile Songstress."
-Or, uh, "Nice Vertical Stance." Yeah. -Yeah, something like that.
-Cyclist: Heads up! -Really? Dumb motherfucker!
(laughing): Wow! Oh, it is so great to be back in New York!
God, I haven't been here since the Pleistocene Age.
Every goddamn break I had, I had to go to Alex's family.
-Oh, how is Alex? -(sighs) Curtis!
We broke up! I told you all about it on Facebook.
No, no, no. You know I don't go on that shit.
Well, it's been about eight months. It's been really rough.
-I'm so sorry. -Yeah.
But, you know, everything's for a reason and the timing
couldn't be better because my sabbatical's coming up
and, you know, New York's always been my white whale.
And so I'm thinking maybe now's the time to dust off my Capezios
and the 16 bars and press some flesh in the Equity Lounge
and see if there are any parts for 200-year-old men.
Don: This boy comes wobblin'
down the street, and I say to him,
"Hey now, what's all the fuss?"
-(phone chimes) -And now he says to me,
he's looking for a hospital, can I help him?
And so I say, there hasn't been a hospital around here in 20 years.
-Yeah. -But then, of course, that Urgent Care
is like a hospital,
and that's just two blocks away, you know.
I told him so.
Always wondered what happened to that boy.
-Yeah, I do too. -Mm.
Uh, I don't wanna change the subject or anything,
but do you think this is gonna be an expensive fix?
And if it is, do you think you'll be able
to take it off my hands if it's fucked?
(sighing): Oh. Uh...
-We'll see about the engine. -Okay.
The rest seems to be in good shape.
You should keep it.
I don't know, man. It's pretty high-maintenance.
(phone chiming)
Uh, okay, I'll look at it.
Okay.
Yeah.
You wouldn't want a bag of sand, would you?
No.
(muffled singing from café)
♪ Don't reveal my indiscretion ♪
♪ Just leave well enough alone ♪
♪ Hush up, don't tell mama ♪
♪ Shush up, don't tell mama ♪
♪ Don't tell mama whatever you do ♪
Not very special.
I think so, too, but people really love this place.
No, that's what NVS stands for.
You still thinking about that? Let it go.
Curtis, you once told me you didn't need talent to make it,
that if you were persistent and everybody would leave
and then you'd get all the parts 'cause there'd be nobody left.
-I said that? -Yeah, and it worked out for you.
If you're gonna talk, go to the bar.
Plenty of people want to sing at the piano.
I'm not gonna leave till you play my song.
Okay, take it easy, Blanche.
God, I hate this fucking place.
Come on, I can sing as well as these guys can.
-Of course you can. -Why am I not here?
Because you're shaping young minds.
-It's like deaf people singing. -Oh, come on.
-Pianist: Shh! -Shh!
-Crowd: Shh! -Pianist: So if you see my mommy, mum's the word.
(cheers, whistles)
I'm taking my cigarette break. Pass the jar, please.
-Bye. -Curtis: Well, I think that's my cue.
-What? -You know, I've got a 4 a.m. call
to be a forensic scientist at Silvercup.
Oh, you need somebody to run lines?
No. Blah-blah-blah. Contusion. Looks like they were murdered.
-It doesn't matter. -Oh, hey, I love you so much!
-I love you, too. -Thank you so much for coming.
I'm so glad we're still friends!
-I'm gonna move to New York. -Okay.
-Okay? Okay. -Yeah, I'd love that. All right.
-Come on. Sit on down. Yeah, you good here? -Bye.
Yeah, I'm good. I'm G. I'm VG.
(laughs) You are VG. All right, bye, baby.
-Bye. Thanks for coming. -Okay.
(noisy chattering)
(piano playing final chords)
(crowd applauding, cheering)
Pianist: Hey, everybody, John is going to do a solo.
-John, you ready? Okay. -John: Yeah.
("This Is the Moment" playing)
Huh?
Oh my God, that's my song.
This is my song, motherfucker.
That's my song!
-♪ ...at last ♪ -Leonard (mutters): That's my song.
♪ This is the moment, when all I've done ♪
♪ All of the dreaming, scheming, and screaming becomes one ♪
(distant siren wails)
Come on, respond, motherfucker.
Hi.
That smells good.
-You want? -Yes, please.
Danke schoen.
Bitte schoen. Sie sprechen?
Sie sprechen Deutsch?
No, but they were singing a lot of Cabaret across the street.
-Oh, I love Cabaret . -Yeah.
(as Emcee): "You wouldn't know that she was Jewish at all."
-That place seems fun. I've never been there. -Yeah.
What are you doing tonight?
Just went to see a movie at IFC,
now I'm going on a bike ride,
and, uh, probably gonna go home soon.
Sounds fun.
It's pretty fun. What about you?
-(coughing) -Oh shit.
Here you go. You okay?
-You okay? -Yeah, I'm good.
-Want some water? -No. You want some ice cream?
No, thank you.
Oh shit.
No one gets ice cream now, I guess.
What are you doing tonight?
You asked that.
Oh, you okay?
-Shit. -(retching)
-(breathing heavily) -(moaning on phone)
Oh shit.
Oh God.
Oh, oh.
(panting)
Ow!
(distant siren wails)
(groaning)
-(clattering) -Aah!
(groans)
Oh God.
Oh my God. Oh my God. Oh my God.
Oh shit. Shit, shit, shit.
(gasping)
Oh! Aah! (panting)
(whispering): Oh my God. Oh my God.
Help me, somebody.
-Man: Hello? -No, no, no, no!
Don't come out. Stay asleep.
Oh, Marta! Marta, Marta, Marta!
Are you there? It's Leonard! Marta!
-Did the agents call? -No, no, no! Don't come out yet, I'm naked!
-Do you have a... towel or something? -Oh. All right.
Don't come out, I'm naked.
-Marta: Okay. -Oh my God! Don't look at me!
(elevator dings)
(soft jazz piano playing in the background)
(muffled): Hello, uh, I'm sorry to bother you.
Could I get another key for 504?
-And, uh, do you have any Advil? -(elevator dings)
Concierge: Sure, let me check.
Sorry.
Speed: A city is what happens once a landscape needs to order in.
New York City, great example. The Collect Pond is
the original drinking water downtown. It gets polluted,
they build a canal to siphon off
the polluted water into the river: Canal Street.
Then comes the invention of private water companies
that specialize in bringing drinkable water
to the population.
And that right there, that's when it becomes New York City.
Yeah, baby!
For this city, from its very beginnings
has been a gigantic ordering-in situation.
(vehicles honking)
As the different honks of the city
come blaring into your present tense,
connoisseur taste and judge them based on
their voluminousness, intensity, context, and duration.
That last little one, did you hear that?
Kind of a staccato chord in the middle of that?
That's the sound of misguided animosity.
(barking)
Right this way. Great view of traffic.
Traffic is spiritual.
Traffic is the city teacher's method of inflicting patience
on a population clearly addicted to impatience.
(elevator dings)
-(phone chimes) -(chattering)
(mutters) Dude, come on.
Excuse me, I'm here to see a couple of friends of mine:
Bryan Gregory and Sarah Rousso--
I guess she's going by Gregory now, actually, too, so, yeah, uh, Gregory.
And what's the patient's name?
Gregory.
Oh, okay, okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Um...
Lo-- Logan. Logan.
There you go. I just needed to identify the patient.
You know, I actually haven't met him yet.
They're friends from high school and, uh--
-Well, I hang out with-- yeah. -(both laughing)
-Where's the play room? -The play room's down the hall.
-Okay, thanks. -Mm-hmm.
-Child: My stomach hurts. -Woman: Stomach is hurting?
-Yeah, really bad. -Okay, okay. I'll let them know, honey.
-Where does it hurt? Show me where it hurts. -(whines): Here.
-Okay. Is that helping when you press on it? -It hurts.
Okay, sweetie, don't worry. I was just out talking to him.
He'll be right in.
Sarah: I don't know if everyone wants to watch
children dying of cancer on TV.
Careworker: I mean, hospital shows are a thing.
Sarah: Really? I don't watch that much TV, so--
-Careworker: Oh, yeah, they're a thing. -Woman: Thank you.
-Hi. -(whispering): Hi.
Hey there, little cutie.
-Hi. (chuckles) -Hey.
-Oh wow. Hey, little baby! -(cooing): Hey! Hi!
Don't worry, you're not stuck with me alone,
'cause Bryan's on his way back.
-I'm not stuck with you. -Okay.
I'm very excited to see you.
-(laughing) -Have you been to New York before?
Uh, no. Uh, yeah, yeah.
I don't know if you remember our senior year, I came with the choir.
We saw some Broadway shows, but you probably don't remember.
Anyway, this is sort of my first time as an adult.
-Yeah, yeah. -(laughing): Yeah.
-I'll let you have a moment. -Oh, sure. I'll see you back in the room.
(Sarah sighing)
Hey, Logan.
Hey.
-Today was really hard. -Yeah?
Yeah, he had immunotherapy,
and he had to lie down under this machine and...
It was hard. (chuckling)
But, look.
He has tattoos.
-Oh, that's cool. -Yeah.
So they can line him up with the radiation machine.
-Hey! Cool party dots, bruh! -Yeah! (chuckles)
God, have you been outside today? It's gorgeous.
Yeah, I remember I got in a huge fight with my parents,
and I was at your house, lying on your bed on my back,
and I remember feeling extremely self-conscious
'cause I had braces on and I was, like, crying and snotting everywhere.
-That's right. -But I was just looking at your wall,
and there was a framed poster
of Miss Saigon and Les Miserables and...
- RENT . Yep. -...and then RENT , yeah.
-You don't remember that? -I do.
You had neon green rubber bands on your braces,
-and there was a lot of snot. -There was a lot of snot.
-Yes. -'Cause I'm a snotty crier, still am.
(laughing)
(nearby siren blaring)
Hey, I was thinking about it on the ride over here...
We were good friends.
-We were best friends, yeah. -Yeah!
Yeah.
Whatever happened to that friendship?
Well...
You and Bryan would always do drugs together,
and I didn't want him to do that.
Fair.
You know, I remember that I was giving you
-a lot of shit for voting for Bush the first time... -Oh my Lord.
-...'cause I couldn't vote yet, and you were crazy. -Yes, yes.
And you were really self-righteous and obnoxious
-about Ralph Nader. -Ralph Nader!
'Cause he's got some good ideas.
-You were kind of an asshole about it, actually. -I was. That's fair too.
Yeah.
-Did your dad vote for-- -Yeah, of course he did.
Yeah.
-Did you? -No, I didn't vote.
Okay, okay.
You know why I thought you were pissed?
-Why? -The talent show.
What?
You were watching the talent show,
and you were standing up front enjoying yourself,
and I came up behind you and you were wearing pajama pants,
uh, and I pantsed you, but I didn't know
you weren't wearing underwear and everyone saw.
And I really felt bad about it my entire life.
What?
-What are you laughing at? -Are you kidding?
I have no memory of that.
-Really? -No.
You were so fucking pissed.
Was I? I have no recollection.
-I've been sweating this for like 20 years... -(laughing)
...and you're telling me-- Dude!
You know, I might have done a lot of drugs,
-but you have a really shitty memory. -(baby fussing)
Oh, oh, oh. Yeah, yeah. Okay.
-Good morning. -Yeah, hi.
Aww, okay. Yeah?
(phone chimes)
Oh, Bryan's stuck in traffic with the boys.
He should be here soon. Look.
-(laughing): They are so cute! -The Guy: Aw.
They have their heads shaved!
Oh yeah, in solidarity.
Did... Did Bryan shave his head?
No?
-Oh, insecure man. -That's right.
You gotta get on the train, man.
It's just people who come here from all over the world
to meet with this one specialist.
-Mm-hmm. -Yeah, and everybody is so gentle and quiet.
It's actually very, very nice.
-I mean, I'm so glad you guys found him. -I know, right?
-Bryan: Hey! Bruh! -Sarah: Hi!
-The Guy: Hey! -What's up?
-Good to see you, man! -Nice to see you!
Bryan: How's it going? Hey, Lo! Come here.
-Oh, yeah. -Oh, hey!
-Hey, Lo! -Yeah.
Hey, remember, we gotta pick up that medicine from the fridge to keep at Ronald.
Oh yeah, got it. I almost lost
a bottle of medicine that cost... (whispers): $10,000.
-Yeah. A lot. -Uh-oh.
(laughing): A lot. Yeah.
Uh, listen, this was great.
I really enjoyed getting to hang out with this little bro.
-Yeah, you meet my friend here, Lo? -Yeah.
What do you think? He still smell like pickles?
-Bro, bro. -(laughing): Sorry.
-(laughing) -A little bit? A little bit?
-All right, all right. -Smells like pickles a little bit?
That is an open wound. You can't just pour salt like that.
-I know, yeah. -Listen, I want to help out. Whatever I can do.
We're gonna put the boys down at Ronald and then we'll go out.
'Cause I can also come to Ronald.
-It's not a problem at all. -Bro.
-All right, well-- -We're gonna go out.
You wanna get something to eat?
(all laughing)
Payback! Sucka!
Yeah, that was cool. What'd you think of that, Logan?
Oh, he liked it.
-(laughing) -Is this illegal?
(bells tolling)
Bruh.
-Bruh. -Bruh.
-Marlboro Lights, huh? -Mm-hmm.
You used to smoke Camels.
It's whatever. I don't really care.
Want some of this?
-Cop's right there. -Hospital's right there.
So what do you want to do, bruh?
-Anything. -(laughing)
-You decide. Whatever you want. -All right.
Wanna take a cab or subway?
None of the "abruhve."
One for me, one for you.
-I don't have a bike. -Oh, that's not a problem, bruh.
(both laughing)
-Look at that! -Whoa.
That's SummerStage. Free concerts.
-(bikes rattling) -Both: Whoa!
-(voices vibrating) -Oh, yeah, bruh.
-(laughing) -Oh!
-Ah! -I got it back.
Oh, man, it feels like a hundred miles an hour.
It's one of the best fucking feelings.
It's really one of the best feelings.
-This is really nice, man. -Yeah.
Bryan: Come on, bruh. Bruh, bruh.
Both: Uh-oh.
No, bruh. The other way.
(laughing)
-(horns honking) -Watch out.
Bryan: Almost hit a pothole. (laughing)
Speed: And here we have members of
every habitable continent in the world
taking photographs of Central Perk from the sitcom, Friends,
another living art installation in time, a complicated punchline
spun by this complicated comedian, New York City.
One of the great recent landmarks to land in Greenwich Village,
uh, the wonderful bondage birdhouse up and right.
Marie's Crisis Cafe to your left,
a bohemian restaurant with live piano music since 1929.
I cannot recommend the sing-a-long enough.
(boat horns blare)
So the sun's that way.
-I guess I fucked it up. -Yeah.
This is not a sunset, bruh. It's all right.
It's nice, it's nice.
(phone bloops)
Aah, shit.
Sarah's freaking out. I gotta go.
-Oh, no! -It's all right, it's all right.
-Thanks, man. -If you need anything...
No, I'm good. Do you want your helmet?
No, that's your, bro.
-Good. -It folds pancake-flat.
Put it in your suitcase.
I'm gonna need it. Probably get hit by a car on the way home.
Shut up, dude. That's not funny.
Bryan.
Your family's beautiful.
Thanks, man.
You turned out pretty good too, man.
Maybe so.
I love you.
Bruh.
I love you, too, bruh.
-Thanks for the sunset. -Yeah.
-See ya, bruh. -Later, bruh.
(boat horn blares)
(phone chimes)
Speed: I suppose if I had an essential goal on the cruise right now,
it would be to exhibit the fact that I'm thrilled to be alive
and to still be respected.
I suppose the soulful or the Buddhist out there might ask,
"Why do you need respect from others?
"The thrill to be alive, that's your own business.
You can do that in your living room."
But that's not what the cruise is for me.
The cruise is about the searching
for everything worthwhile in existence.
I mean, I will appreciate the beauty of a flower,
and then likewise, I will stand exhibitionistic
and have the flower appreciate the beauty of me.
Well, that's how I feel about cruising right now.
And I would say having a quote, unquote,
"intimate love affair" with a flower
is far more psychotic and riveting
than having an "intimate love affair," quote, unquote,
with some of the banal creatures of the human race.
Although, I'd be into that, too.
Yeah, I don't know...
♪ You've gotta do what's right ♪
If you ask me...
♪ In your city tonight ♪
♪ Someone's alone ♪
♪ Reach out your hands to the one alone ♪
♪ In your city tonight ♪
♪ You've gotta do what's right ♪
♪ In your city tonight ♪
♪ Someone's alone, someone's alone ♪
♪ In your city ♪
♪ Someone's alone, someone's alone ♪
♪ In your city tonight ♪
♪ You've gotta do what's right ♪
♪ In the city ♪
♪ Reach out your hands to the one alone ♪
♪ In your city ♪
♪ Reach out your hands to the one alone ♪
♪ In the city, in the city, in the city ♪