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Dr Schwiman was so right.
Isn't this romantic?
(GROANS)
This bike weigh's as much as a dead cow.
Who designed these bikes, Hitler?
My God!
They use these in the Tour de France?
Well, everything is old here, it's part of the charm.
BOB: Mine's broken I think.
(RINGS BIKE BELL)
And I think it's going to rain.
Why do you have to be so pessimistic?
I'm not pessimistic.
I'm realistic.
Exact same thing for you.
Where are we? What arrondissement is this?
Why don't you ride next to me instead of behind me because
I may as well be riding alone.
Suit yourself. I'm tired anyway.
Suit yourself.
(ROCK'N'DOLLARS PLAYING)
Ole!
(SONG CONTINUES)
(THUNDER RUMBLING)
Is my husband here?
No, madam.
We were worrying about you.
No, no harm done. What about Jacques?
JACQUES: Ready and waiting!
Brace yourself, pal.
Look at that. Madam, I'm doubling my fee.
(LAUGHS)
JACQUES: The security man out there, didn't let me in.
Of course not. We have the Lord Mayor of London coming.
Really? Sexy! Can I say hello?
- Well, he's coming with his husband. - Too bad.
Today's mail, madam.
And this came by messenger.
(THUNDER RUMBLING)
I want some chocolate milk.
And I'll have a double vodka on the rocks.
KIDS: Steven!
STEVEN: How are you, silly monkeys?
(KISSES) Sean.
How are you, Maria?
Mr. Stevens, when did you get here?
Just this afternoon.
What's happening here? Is it someone's birthday or something?
Nothing like that.
Just a small dinner for twelve.
Ah...
STEVEN: Thank you.
Come on Rose, you need to eat something.
No.
Please Mr. Steven, tell her.
What are you doing, Rose,
starving yourself like Mommy?
Skinny Mommy, yes!
Well, don't.
No one likes a human toothpick.
I'm going to find our dad.
Listen to your big brother and finish those potatoes, please.
Okay. Try that.
Aren't you going to miss it?
Of course, I'm going to miss it.
This was your grandfather's greatest acquisition.
He'd cut my balls off.
Why don't you sell something else?
You still don't get. I'm hanging by my fingernails here.
I need the money.
Anne's costing you that much?
Sell her jewels.
You're not funny.
Do you want me to lend you something?
Could you?
Fifty-thousand, just for a few days,
until the sale goes through?
I'll call Mom.
Don't do that.
Don't give her the satisfaction.
How is she, anyway?
Getting older and heavier by the day.
Richer, too.
Middle East foggy London.
She voted Brexit.
Makes sense.
When you were born she was nuts about Margaret Thatcher.
She said I had to vote for Reagan.
Did you?
No. We were in Athens.
Our last horrible year.
(CHUCKLES)
How's the writing going?
Yeah, my publisher's coming to Paris.
I've got nothing to show him.
He knows it.
So, why is he coming?
When he writes off the Eurostar trip,
I'm one of his best assets.
(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)
(HELENE SPEAKING FRENCH)
UBER DRIVER: Go on, sir, take one.
In my country, we call it mektoub.
Your future.
Tonight you will meet someone special.
It's not very original.
No? And what if that someone special
is a mysterious, beautiful lady.
Zip me up.
I'd rather undress you.
Well, you had your chance.
Ten, eleven, twelve. Thirteen?
(MARIA SPEAKING SPANISH)
Exactly. Who did this?
- I did. - (SIGHS)
- Hello, Anne. - Hmm.
Welcome to Paris, Steven,
please make yourself at home.
Yes and invite yourself to dinner.
No, Bob invited me.
He didn't say a word. Typical.
Well, I am not having thirteen at my table. It is bad luck.
And what's worse, it's me.
Sorry about that, Anne, but my father is really excited to see me.
Especially now as it happens.
(ANNE SIGHS)
Oh my God. Get rid of those.
STEVEN: Anne, be proud of them.
How about I kill you?
Head down. Rotate for a single axis.
See. I remember every word.
Admit it. I'm a fast learner. And so is my father.
Add another place setting.
There's one more chair in the corner. And hurry.
You look beautiful, Anne.
MARIA: This one's fine.
Hey stop. All of you. Turn around. Look at me.
I need another woman.
Madam? No.
There's no other solution.
Madam, I am the maid.
Maid's don't have dinner with the bosses.
Oh, nonsense. You're part of this family.
I have a terrible accent.
Your accent is charming.
But what will I say?
Well, it's not about talking. It's about sitting.
You know how to sit, don't you?
Now come, we have no time to argue.
(ANNE SIGHS)
ANNE: Okay. Okay. Okay. Come on.
Which? No, no. Oh my God.
Here. See if this one fits.
We're not the same size, madam.
What about Mandy? Mandy can do this.
Maria, be serious. Mandy is a Filipino.
Nobody invites a Filipino to a dinner party.
Maybe Aung San Suu Kyi because she won a Nobel peace Prize.
And she's from Burma, that's different.
Mandy, she speaks terrible English and terrible French.
I'm not even sure she knows how to speak Filipino.
No, no. We will be found out in a second!
Found out?
Yes. We're not going to tell them you're the maid.
So what are we going to say, madam?
Nothing.
Just act like a friend.
I think I'm going to faint, madam. I'm unable to lie.
No, no, it's okay.
All women can lie. It's all about smiling.
- Like this? - Mmm.
And Josiane? What about Josiane?
She just started here. I don't know her.
Josiane is very funny, madam.
She know how to make jokes.
She even imitates Sarkozy.
She could be the perfect guest.
Josiane is at least a 12.
You're pear-shaped but you're not fat.
Okay, so we'll go with the pants you have on.
It's not a good idea.
Yes. Yes. It is a good idea.
Come on, Maria. Come on.
We'll look back on this and laugh one day.
It's going to be like that time in the chalet when Rose was two
and you dressed up like Santa.
Remember that? With the beard.
Jacques!
Okay, there you are.
Know listen, make it not to big and not too showy.
Just make it quick.
What about her shoes?
What size are you?
I'm an eight, madam.
- (DOORBELL RINGS) - Oh, my God.
Just hide them.
No rich woman wears an eight.
Louboutin doesn't even make an eight. Stay.
Toby! Welcome to Paris.
Glad they didn't stop you at the border.
Well, as Lord Mayor I'm issuing visas for London.
You say the word, Bob, I'll give you one.
London? Where is that anyhow?
Little England. Former Empire.
- I remember now. (SINGS) Rue Bretagna. - That's the one.
You must be Michael. Bob Fredericks.
Pleased to meet you.
- Nice little place you've have here. - (DOORBELL RINGS)
Family pied de terre. Small but cozy.
ANNE: Hi, Toby!
Fabulous.
Hello, Michael.
My dears!
I'm sorry about the security detail.
It's Toby's favorite style statement.
Did you bring your food taster?
What if we're serving poison tonight? (CHUCKLES)
I have no news, Bob.
But calm down, it's okay. It's okay.
Just give them another week. It'll be fine.
- ANNE: Antoine! Helene! Bonsoir. - ANTOINE: Bonsoir.
So nice to see you again.
This place is so amazing.
HELENE: Only you Americans can come to this...
Ah! Steven! I read your book.
Really?
It's so very funny. Your father's making hole-in-one.
Anne taking all the credit. Firing all the sexy girls.
Nothing changed. They're still Punch and Judy.
Congratulations on the re-election, by the way.
Yes, thank you.
Keep going, you'll be England's first family.
Well, don't you write about us.
Don't want the entire world knowing about our every little secret.
Don't worry. I couldn't be more blocked if I'd eaten a pound of cement.
Put me somewhere nice.
I have. In the corner.
Look at that. Homemade.
(CHUCKLES) Lovely.
The trick is to pretend you're carrying a Chinese vase on your head.
KIDS: Steven!
You walk tall and slow.
And you shine, Maria.
You shine.
This is not going to work.
(SPEAKING FRENCH)
STEVEN: You know baby, it's cold outside so
I think you're going to need an extra layer.
Mr. Steven, it's summertime.
Exactly. It's party time.
DAVID: Antoine, you still haven't told me how you want to deal the press.
It's not every day a Caravaggio changes hands.
There's no rush, is there?
Of course not. We both have to be satisfied with the results.
The X-ray team were asking for another ten thousand euros.
They're sending their best people over from New York.
Bob, let me split the fee with you.
Absolutely not. I wouldn't hear of it.
Just give me an invitation once it's on your wall.
I won't keep it at home.
It will have a pride of place at my museum.
Once we know it's real.
Maria?
What is this nonsense?
MARIA: It's not going to work, madam.
Your friends, the Bernards. They have been here before, they would have seen her.
They haven't seen her. Nobody looks at a maid.
Now come on out here, Maria, right this minute.
They will recognize me, madam.
Well, if they find your face familiar,
they'll just think they saw you at a fashion show.
Madam, you know it's a sin to lie?
You're not lying, you're not hurting anybody.
It's like a part in our own little play.
It's fun. It's like being in a movie.
Except you're changing your life from ABC to HBO, you get it?
Not really.
(GROANS) I'll make it simple, avoid them.
You're at the far end of the table anyway.
What about Jacques? Jacques would make a perfect guest, madam.
Steven, you have a dress I can wear?
No, no, no. Forget it. Okay.
This is Bob's fault and I want him to suffer.
Now, Maria let me look at you.
Oh my God. She's not even dressed.
Will you get her pulled together, please. And listen to me.
Don't speak to much.
Don't smile too much and don't eat too much.
Yes, madam.
Don't drink too much either. Nobody likes that. Trust me.
How do I rate amongst your students?
You're definitely not the most disciplined one.
You're the most studious. You're the most studious one.
- The most studious one? - Yes.
I wish I could think of something to say now in French but
now I'm baffled.
You're always baffled.
Anne! Not always.
You remember my French teacher?
Ah! Yes, Melanie.
Fanny. I'm Fanny.
Of course. How silly of me.
Don't worry about it. I'll answer to almost anything.
Ah. (SIGHS)
Don't speak to much.
Don't eat too much.
Don't smile to much.
(MUTTERING IN FRENCH)
Who is that?
What's her name. Who is she really?
What are you talking about?
She'll claim she's Maria Escalante but the truth is she's
Maria Immaculata of the Two Sicilies.
You're not serious?
Countess of Asturias, the House of Bourbon,
second cousin of Juan Carlos.
She'll deny it.
And I never told you.
Are you a fan of Caravaggio?
(STAMMERS) I love the holy family.
Oh. Good for you.
I keep a portrait of the baby Jesus by my bed.
Oh, by whom? I'm a big fan of the masters.
Let me guess.
- El Greco. - No.
- Goya. - No.
No, I've got it.
Dali. I'm right, yes?
The artist doesn't matter so much.
It's the expression on the baby's face.
Yes. We musn't take that for granted.
And the holy mother. How she loves him.
Madame, (SPEAKS FRENCH) The dinner is served.
So, tonight's a sort of last supper in a way.
This maybe the last time you see this painting.
I'm brokering this sale to Antoine Bernard.
Oh, Monsieur Antoine.
He's a friend of the family.
Ah, excellent.
Let me introduce myself.
I am David Morgan. I live in London.
I am Maria.
No second name?
No, no. Not tonight.
I'm a friend of madam. A friend of a friend.
HBO, not ABC.
Oh, thank you.
Bon Appetit.
BOB: Bon Appetit, darling.
JANE: So being married to the mayor of London makes you what?
Everybody's asking.
Just another queen I guess.
Wow. That's great. You should carry a purse.
And what do you do for a living?
I'm a hairdresser.
Oh great.
No, I'm joking.
I used to be.
Then I thought I can't be gay and a hairdresser.
- Too much of a cliché. So I changed everthing. - Oh. And you became?
- Butcher. - Oh.
I'm joking.
He's a shrink...
He let you run for office?
I know. Malpractice.
I'll say.
So, France, Paris. Why did you come here?
This house for one thing.
- And my grandfather was French. - Oh.
And to keep a woman, at some point you have to satisfy their neurosis.
They are all satisfied analyst in New York.
She talks about him?
Oh, not of everyone.
I think the good doctor Schwiman can teach Michael a thing or two.
- About billing, no question. - (CHUCKLES SOFTLY)
Did you rehearse?
Or do you always speak this fast?
Yes. In such a brilliant and sarcastic way.
- Years of training, my dear. - Oh.
It's harder to lie when you speak faster.
I guess that's why my husband speaks so slowly.
The Eiffel Tower has a sexual symbol supposed to save your marriage.
I will ask him.
Do you really think that love can last?
I mean, you're so smart.
Could you still be one of those?
You have to let go.
Well, flowers freeze and blossom again.
(SMIRKS)
Don't be so cynical.
(SPEAKING FRENCH)
Oh. And what do you suggest?
Adultery, darling.
You're just taking the problem with you wherever you go.
Make a best friend of your husband and have lunch with me tomorrow.
Oh. You're evil.
No, I'm French.
(CHUCKLES)
Oh, oh!
Go. Go. Let me help.
It's only water.
I like to pour water on myself so women can help me.
Looks like fun.
BOB: It's generic.
When women sees a stain, she must come and rub.
You're funny. I mean, for an American, obviously.
Wow. Every guy from Cambridge knows how to judge funny.
All the English men I know think they're funny but they never laugh.
(GRUNTS LOUDLY) I hate them.
So do I.
What do you think, Maria?
I don't like English people.
But I do like Hugh Grant. You know Hugh Grant?
In Bridget Jones.
He's also the one dancing in Love Actually.
Like this. (SINGS) ♪ I take it down ♪ I take it down
♪ You're more more more ♪ Jump, Jumping
You know Hugh Grant? The beautiful one.
He also had an affair with...
(SPEAKS FOREIGN LANGUAGE)
The prostitute.
Well, Of course we all know who Hugh Grant is.
ANNE: You were just saying about knowing who laugh...
You look like him. Like Hugh Grant.
(COUGHS)
We all look the same from the same part of the world. You know.
Same face. Same blue eyes. Same same funny teeth.
That's beautiful. Very beautiful.
But I don't like the stupid films he is in though.
Always happy endings and kisses in the rain.
You should not despise people.
People love happy endings, you know.
They can't fight it.
The hero runs. He kisses her in the rain.
People love that.
Well...
Would you ever consider running for prime minister?
I thought supreme leader.
Would you ever run for president?
If you were my first lady.
Are you in politics?
No. I'm a musician.
A classical pianist to be precise.
Great. How old are you?
Nine and a half. And you?
Thirty two and a half.
Is that your father sitting next to you?
Oh no. That's Fedore. The Master.
Oh.
Well. I hope you enjoy dinner.
I'm so glad you could come.
Does he speak English?
Oh, no. He never speaks.
JANE: Yeah. So there's our Franck and Robin.
Oh, they're beautiful. Just like their mother.
Oh, thank you.
You know, it is so hard to keep being sexy when you're a single mom.
It's a constant battle.
I went to this great seminar about fighting for yourself last month,
Justin Tender. Do you know him?
It was in London. Oh, my God. He is so spiritual.
Amazing. Anyway...
He says that it all starts with food.
He also recommends that you drink less.
What? Water?
(LAUGHS)
JANE: Anne told me you were funny.
You know, she's been wanting us to meet for a long time.
DAVID: Yes. She's a force of nature, Anne.
Talk to me. This woman's a nightmare.
How do you know she's not my friend?
Well, if that's the truth
I'm going to fake a heart attack
and get dragged out of here by my ankles.
Say something to me. Talk to me.
Tell me a joke or something.
She's all over me like a bad suit.
I don't know any joke.
Well, make something up.
You're putting a lot of pressure on me.
DAVID: Where's that charming accent from?
I'm a Spanish.
I was born in Majorca.
Asturias. I thought it was Asturias.
My ancestors were from Asturias.
See, I'm Celtic like you.
Where is your family from?
Oh, well my family is from a very lovely county called Downe.
My father owns most of it. You know.
He always wants me to get my art hobby
out of my system and come back and run the family estate.
You came here to escape your father.
Well, I came to London to be an artist.
But I wind up being a consultant.
So I spend my life now flying between
hotels and New York and Paris and London.
To be fair I don't know where my real home is.
Probably because it's still in Dine.
- Dine? Downe. - Dan.
- Downe. - Dine. Downe.
Dine. Downe. Up down.
Maria? Sorry, David. I'm stealing her for a minute.
Don't drink too much.
No, sir.
Madam told me what to do.
And what not to do.
What's with this silly idea.
You must be dying here.
It's like me sitting in a plumber meeting.
I was supposed to sit close to madam.
But I think somebody mixed up the place cards.
This scary fashion lady must be here.
Don't talk like a maid.
Just yes or no at the end.
Be really impossible.
Unpleasant.
- Yes, sir. - DAVID: Hey, Bob!
Maria's got some great jokes. I bet you didn't know that?
No. I did.
Yes. She was just about to tell me one.
Madam Bernard, would you like to hear one of Maria's jokes?
HELENE: Yes. Of course.
Don't force her. She's embarrassed.
And very shy.
I'm very unpleasant.
DAVID: Oh, come on.
You're very funny.
We're all friends here. Who'd like to hear a joke.
- Oh, no. - DAVID: Come on love.
Everyone's funny with a Spanish accent.
The only joke I know is very vulgar.
My uncle, Pedro, used to tell it when he was drunk.
I don't think it's appropriated.
Oh, no, don't bother.
Don't force yourself.
Come on. Live a little. Tell us a joke.
Okay. You want it. You have it.
A family's at the dinner table.
The son asks the father, "Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?"
The father surprised, answer.
"Well my son, a woman goes through three phases:
"In her twenties, a woman's breast are like melons.
"Round and firm.
"In her thirties and forties they are like pears.
"Still nice but hanging a bit.
"In her fifties, they are like onions."
"Onions, Dad?"
"Yes. You see them and they make you cry."
(EVERYONE LAUGHS)
HELENE: Hilarious.
Wait. I didn't finish yet because I'm translating
straight from the Spanish in my head.
This one's amusing. She just like Google translator.
The daughter asks the mother:
"Mom, how many kinds of willies are there?"
The mother answers.
"Well my dear, a man goes through three phases too..."
Love the voice of the wife. Keep going.
"In his 20s, his willy is like an oak tree. Mighty and hard.
"In his 30s and 40s, it's like a birch tree, flexible but reliable.
"After 50, it's like a Christmas tree."
"A Christmas tree, Mommy?" "Yes.
"Dead from the root up and the balls are just for decoration."
(EVERYONE LAUGHS)
JANE: That's a rude joke.
It's not even funny.
I have a better one about (SPEAKING SPANISH) Do you want to hear it?
No, that will be fine. Thank you.
ANNE: I think that's plenty. Thank you. You're so...
She's so funny.
STEVEN: I can understand now why my dad is making so much progress in french.
Bet he took one look at you and said I want to learn French immediately.
No.
His wife forced him to learn
la langue de Moliere.
Thank you for this.
It's become my instant favorite.
So you're the revenge.
I don't get it.
STEVEN: She used to be his golf teacher.
So, what do I need to wear to look more Parisian?
MARINETTE: Women are always asking me that.
ANTOINE: (SPEAKS FRENCH) No one can buy that.
That's why I'm asking for your advice.
ANNE: Oh, I love what you did with the issue by the way.
HELENE: Oh, I try my best.
MICHAEL: As my grandmother always say, tell the truth it's easy to remember.
You know, in therapy I hear so many lies, contradictions...
But even your lies say something about you...
STEVEN: Um, yeah. I'm going to marry you.
And what makes you think I'd say yes.
Are all women mad about you?
The night is young.
So sorry for ignoring you buddy
but this girl next to me is really sexy.
It's okay.
I'm used to not talking.
You know, with Fedor.
Go and get her.
Cheers, buddy. High five.
I'm not insured for high fives.
No?
Are you allowed to touch boobs?
I guess so but I've never had the opportunity.
I hope I'm not being to forward.
I'd just like to say,
you look absolutely beautiful tonight.
Thank you.
How long have you been in Paris?
How long have you been sleeping with my dad?
Are you crazy? I'm just his teacher.
Look at you. Your dad.
Makes you sound so childish.
STEVEN: You look like a child.
I'd really like to spank you.
- (SCOFFS) - (LAUGHS)
But your dad warned me that you were rude, alcoholic and unemployed.
Yeah, but I also have some really bad points. Did he tell you what those were?
You look very elegant too.
- Well, I'm the best in my price range. - (CHUCKLES SOFTLY)
- STEVEN: Fanny you're going to be my new mother in law. - FANNY: Shhh!
It's like you and your dad are the only two men on the planet.
Oh, I see.
Why would you want the egg when you've already got the goose.
I don't want the goose
and I don't like the rotten egg. Actually.
Dearest darling Daddy,
and his ageless, gorgeous concubine.
- BOB: Steven. - Sorry. Sorry.
Step-mom, Anne
Thank you so much for inviting me tonight to this amazing place.
Where generosity holds no bounds.
Actually that's who's getting the tab.
(CHUCKLES) Anyway. Not important.
I digress.
I'd just like to make an announcement.
My engagement to this amazing, beautiful, talented creature.
What's your name again?
(WHISPERS) Fuck you.
Fuck you. That's an unusual name. Don't be shy, honey.
STEVEN: Don Maria.
Your Highness, I would like your blessing.
Congratulations.
Thank you.
ANNE: Well, dear guests,
we have the great honor of sharing the table tonight
with a very young, talented prodigy:
Gilles Durand and his master Fedor Krachinsky.
Gilles is only nine years old and needs to get some sleep because he's playing
a very special concert in Vienna tomorrow night.
So, we will have dessert in the music room after we hear some...
Songs my mother taught me.
Arranged by the master.
There you have it.
Please.
Clean this.
Rub, rub, rub...
You did for a long time.
Not true, Mandy.
We said hardly speak.
I made them laugh, madam.
Yeah. Even the scary, fashion woman.
Madam, you heard that from the other side of the table?
Dinners are my job.
I can follow five conversations at the same time.
And do you know what your job is, Maria?
You don't even know how to recognize laughter.
You don't know if you're making people laugh
or if they're laughing at you.
I mean can you tell the difference between Hahaha and ohhohohoh.
So actually you never really laugh?
You were supposed to play the part of the missing guest.
Silent. Forgettable.
If someone finds out about this, I will be embarrassed.
And so will they.
That they laughed at my joke?
Don't you play the victim.
You know I'm a life-long democrat.
It's about their mindset. Not mine.
I'm so sorry, madam.
I had to much to drink.
Wine is so delicious. I've been drinking it like juice.
Oh, Haut Brion 82 is an incredible expensive juice.
We should go back before the music ends, don't you think, madam?
No. No. I think that's enough for tonight.
You just... You just go to bed.
Won't they wonder what happened to me?
Oh, let me take care of that.
Well, see you tomorrow.
Thank you for everything, Maria.
Okay, madam.
You don't want me help the others clean up?
No. Not tonight.
See you tomorrow, madam.
Maria?
Yes, madam?
You look beautiful with lipstick on.
Thank you, madam.
(DOOR SHUTS)
BOB: Come on. Come on. Come on.
ANNE: Hit harder.
(GROANS)
Come on. Upsy daisy.
- I can't. - Upsy daisy.
God you stink.
This is outrageous behavior.
BOB: Okay. Okay.
Hey, hey, look. Look.
Thirteen at the table. And...
Yes.
Because of Judas. Thirteen... That's...
That's way it's bad luck.
Where's Maria?
BOB: Gone to bed.
She was the belle of the ball.
ANNE: I want him out of here.
He almost ruined the whole evening.
But he didn't.
And Maria. God, I was a nervous wreck.
Did you see those shoes?
You know what? Everyone loved her.
Don't ever do that to me again, okay?
You put me in a horrible position...
Hey. You improvised.
You pulled it off. Congratulations.
David Morgan was flat-out flirting with her.
What's up with that?
Chill. Chill. Congratulations, I said.
Hey!
(PHONE RINGING)
(PHONE CONTINUES RINGING)
Hello?
DAVID: Hi Steven, it's David Morgan.
Sorry, bonjour.
I think.
DAVID: You couldn't give me Maria's number, could you?
Um...
Yeah, yes sure.
Stay on the phone.
I just get her number for you now.
Okay. Hold on. Hang on. Yeah.
Maria? Note down your phone number for me.
Note it down quick.
I'll pay you extra.
Thank you.
Hello?
Yeah, I have it here. Yeah.
689-139-134.
Yeah. Yeah, I will. I'll tell him you said thank you.
Yeah. Okay. Bye bye.
Hey, Dad,
guess what?
What?
Ah... Nothing.
I just had a bad dream. That's all.
ANNE: What about your French lesson?
(SPEAKING FRENCH)
Stop it, okay?
I'm doing this for you, remember?
You're not learning French for me anymore.
That's plain enough. Sean! Give Maria back her phone.
"Let me be direct.
"You are amazing.
"Very cool but red hot too.
"May I see you again? Text yes or yes. David M."
What?
It's a wrong number, madam, no one ever text me.
(GASPS)
It's David Morgan.
You're kidding?
He's kidding.
"Excellent. I felt something the moment we met."
My God! I knew it.
This is because of you. And you.
The Oscar goes to Maria.
Here somebody take this I think I'm going to throw up.
STEVEN: Good luck, Maria.
Maria...
This is not funny, Bob. Shut up.
Did something happen at the dinner? Something specific?
No, madam. Nothing specific.
He didn't play footsie with you?
Footsie? What is that?
What? You know. Like...
No, madam. (SPEAKS SPANISH)
He didn't touch you somewhere? Or make you touch him?
No, madam.
Oh, God, So what is this all about?
What? There was something I must say.
What thing?
I don't know. I felt something when he looked at me.
Yes, the Haut Brion.
The thing you felt inside was drunk, Maria. Nothing else.
Here I'm going to help you get rid of him.
What is this cell? Nokia?
You keep it for sentimental reasons?
I'm going to get you a new iPhone
for putting up with David's insanity.
Be kind please, do not insist. There.
SEAN: I beat Rose.
Yeah, barely, I got an eight.
Oh, how great you are my little stars.
But you weren't even watching me, you were talking to Maria.
Look I tagged you all over my Instagram.
How many likes did I get?
Now go collect your clubs. Go on now.
Oh!
Meet me at the Georges V at 9:00.
Oh, my God. I am an idiot.
(GROANS) He's excited by your resistance.
He wants you in his bed.
But I thought the Georges V was the movie theater
on the Champs Elysees, madam?
No, no. Not in this context. It's a hotel.
Georges V hotel.
A hotel.
BOB: Steven! Steven! Stop fucking around, Steven.
I'll turn you into a frog.
Oh, no!
Okay. I'll turn you into a princess but only until midnight.
Then poof!
Abracadabra!
I don't trust her. I think we should tell David the truth.
No. Not yet anyways.
What do you mean not yet?
Wait until he verified the painting.
I don't want him thinking we're a house full of liars.
God forbid.
It's a real Caravaggio, Anne.
Don't muddy the waters.
(SOFT MUSIC PLAYING)
MARIA: What are we going to see?
A horror movie, of course,
so you jump into my arms.
Madam. Anne, our friend
she thought it was the Georges V hotel.
Anne does not know the first thing about romance.
Listen, Maria, there's something I must tell you straight off the bat.
I know who you are.
What I mean is I know who you really are.
Somebody told me at the party.
I promised I wouldn't say who.
Oh, my God. It was Steven.
He wasn't supposed...
Listen. It's all right.
I don't care.
It makes no difference to me.
Really?
Yeah.
You honestly feel that way?
And I have a daughter. Did he tell you that?
A princess, I'm sure.
The topic, mi amor, is closed.
You know they were supposed to destroy them?
It was a big scandal at the time.
Like everything new.
People are afraid when they can't link a feeling with another one.
And how do you feel right now?
Empty.
Let's make a wish.
Are you okay? You look sad?
(SPEAKING SPANISH)
Your mother's never been so happy in all her life.
Okay.
Now, I will pop this in FedEx. You will have it by Thursday.
I wish you could come and see me.
(SPEAKING SPANISH)
Look.
Ah.
Where were you?
Oh, you know, doing a little shopping at the Galerie Lafayette.
Are you okay?
I'm fine. Just starving, that's all.
Maria just asked me if she could go. She just left.
Mandy is with the kids.
Did she have make up on?
Lipstick? A skirt?
Excuse me?
There's something very strange going on with Maria. Trust me.
Okay, can you tell me about it over steak?
There's this nice bistro on the corner.
She is seeing him, Bob.
This morning she came late
and she looked like she'd been fucking.
Oh, my God!
(HONKING)
- BOB: I'm coming! - Come on, Bob.
Oh, my God. I'd hate to see if there was a fire.
- You move like a tortoise. - BOB: Yeah.
Oh, my God! Okay. Let's follow her.
Come on. Turn it on. Let's go now. Drive fast.
Be like the French. Go! Go! Go! Go! Oh, my God!
Shut up.
Do not talk to me that way.
ANNE: You're parking. Go around the block. Fast. Go.
- MAN: Bonsoir, Monsieur Morgan. - DAVID: Bonsoir.
It's nice, no?
(ANNE SIGHS)
Oh, please, he can't be serious. Look, Bob, he's taking her to
the Petit Bistro d'Auteuil.
Obviously. I'm not blind.
That's one of my favorite restaurants. I mean... (SCOFFS)
At least it's food.
Can we go back home now? You can fire her tomorrow.
I can't fire her. She run's the house like clockwork.
Well, you trained her.
She's not a biochemist. She's just a housemaid.
Look. You don't get it. It takes, you know, at least half a day
to learn how to fold my skirts alone,
you know, I mean, it's a mess.
It's a total fucking mess.
I think you're overreacting.
But I'll talk to her.
Could he be in love with her? Is that possible?
Well admit it, she's got a great ass.
Maybe vacuum cleaning's the new Pilates.
She's terribly ugly. Right?
I don't know.
She's got a kind of charm.
Oh, my God. Now you too.
How about we both go in there and have our dinner?
Because they would see us.
She's the guilty one, not us.
(SIGHS) Bob.
It's good.
You see.
Everything's new to you.
You're like a kid, Maria.
And you have a play date after dinner
You realize I'm a fervent believer, David?
Oh, I know.
I hear you calling for God when you're in bed with me.
Maybe, yeah, I am a kid. But you, you're a teenager.
Oversexed.
In the worst way.
I'll have you know,
when I was a teenager, I was going to be a priest.
- Oh, my God. - You see.
You're doing it again. Calling his name.
I'm starting to get jealous, Maria.
ANNE: It's like a slow motion car crash.
I've never seen you this way.
Well, it's like my own little catastrophe.
She know the color of our underwear. She cleans our sheets.
She knows when we have sex. She knows when I throw up.
You're still throwing up?
Well, not in a major way.
I just want to stay, you know, sexy.
Hang on.
What are you doing?
Hunting.
Hunting for what?
God, it's not 1878.
(SIGHS)
I wanted to send you flowers.
What kind of flowers?
Well, give me an address and you'll find out.
Don't be afraid of me, Maria.
You and your family, I give you my word.
Complete and utter discretion.
Meanwhile... A gift for you.
Oh, my God.
I can't accept. They are...
Perfect. For your hair.
For your eyes.
For your tattoo my white princess.
That's it. I'm going to have to tell him the truth.
Don't.
He'll think we were making fun of him.
I can not afford that.
Come on. Do we have any money problems?
Absolutely not.
But Monsieur Antoine Bernard and his museum must have a Caravaggio.
I'm only too happy to oblige.
That is if it is the real thing.
We pocket a kings ransom.
So keep your mouth shout.
(IPAD RINGING)
Finally, Doctor Schwiman.
Are you all right? I saw your text about an emergency.
No, I'm not all right. I'm about to kill that woman.
What's happening? You in bed?
Yes, I am.
Well, it's the middle of the night for you.
Are you going to listen or just make stupid remarks?
BOB: It's the middle of the night.
See.
Well, if you'd call back sooner.
Hello, doctor.
Hello, Bob.
Bob, this is a private consultation.
Please.
Okay. I just... (CLEARS THROAT)
I mean, you know, I've had to fight my whole entire life for everything, even men.
How can this woman, this this maid inspire such feelings?
Go on.
I feel so alone.
You know, even in a crowded room. I fell lonely, doctor.
Are you serious?
Tell me the truth, Maria.
What is your secret dream?
Everyone's got a secret dream.
I gave up on dreams you know.
I have simple desires.
I want my daughter to be happy.
Oh, tell the truth come on.
Everyone's got a project. You must have a plan.
Well,
it will sound ridiculous to you.
Sweetheart,
anything you would say to me will never ever sound ridiculous.
Come on. What is it?
I would like to invent the half pack of baking powder.
Baking powder?
Yes. I cook a lot, you see
and no recipe uses the whole packet of baking powder. None.
It's always half of the packet.
Then you leave the rest in the cupboard.
But you don't use it never again
because you're afraid it got spoiled.
Or you're not sure if it's a real half remaining there,
perhaps more, perhaps it's less, you know what I mean?
Yeah, yeah, I get the point. It's...
It's very smart.
Very smart.
You're a very unusual woman, Maria.
Yes, I am.
Maybe you could cook for me sometime?
Invite me back to your place.
You have that Velazquez.
I could come and prize it for you.
You could take me to Madrid.
I could meet your family.
I'm brilliant at graveling.
(CLEARS THROAT)
- Buenos noches. - (GIGGLES)
(SPEAKING SPANISH)
Bonsoir, monsier.
Bonsoir. Bonsoir.
Wow.
What's with the outfit?
Well, it was doctor Schwiman's idea.
It's an exercise to expunge my anger. Against Maria.
Are you jealous?
Oh, God, stop it.
Anne, you're a beautiful woman
but that's not why I married you.
Am I not pretty anymore?
I think you're jealous because you're insecure.
Of course, I am. We never have sex.
The world is full of young pretty women.
And Paris is the worst.
Shhh...
Don't shush me.
We have doctors orders don't we?
(PHONE VIBRATING)
I must get this.
(PHONE CONTINUES TO VIBRATE)
LAWYER: Bob, the bank is breathing down my neck.
Their accounts are running low. This is it.
We really need the money from the painting.
How much time do I have?
A month maybe before the foreclosure begins.
I can't do anything else without you here.
(SIGHS)
How was your evening?
You scared me, madam.
Is everyone okay?
You're never up so early.
How would you know?
Well... Sorry. I'm going to get breakfast ready.
What's in that bag, Maria?
In this one, madam?
Exactly.
It's a dress from the dry cleaners, madam.
Mmm.
They gave it back to you like that with no hanger, no plastic?
It's for the dry cleaner. I wanted to take it yesterday but it was closed.
Really?
You just said you picked it up from the dry cleaners.
Sometimes I get confused because of my English, madam.
Oh, no.
Your English is perfect.
Let me see the dress.
This is the one...
Give me the dress, Maria.
Yes, madam.
It's dirty, madam.
It belongs at the dry cleaners.
No.
It belongs to me. But I haven't worn it in months.
And it smells like you with your cheap vanilla perfume.
I don't smell anything.
(SIGHS)
I trusted you, Maria.
I sat you at my table.
I thought you were honest.
Just so I know, do you wear my underwear when he takes you to the hotel?
I don't understand, madam.
You know I hate it when people cry.
I'm so sorry.
Just hurry up. The kids are going to be late for school.
I'm so sorry, madam.
I don't know what to say.
I'm in love. And...
Please just stop it!
Okay. I am not your friend.
Try to put an end to this nonsense.
I'm advising you to think of what's important for you and your daughter.
Yes, madam.
How is she by the way?
Still very well. Thanks, madam.
She's got the free style finals coming up.
Good. Well, I'm really proud to pay for such a nice girl study.
Really.
I'd hate to have to be forced to stop.
Yes, madam.
Stop with this phone. He will not call.
We do not belong to this world.
He knows who I am.
He doesn't know. But the world does.
Is that a Filipino saying?
Maria, we serve, they eat.
They don't love people like you or me.
We're slaves. Same as slaves.
How can you say such things, Mandy?
Are you crazy?
I'm worth as much as madam.
Even if I bring her tea on a tray.
We are human beings.
You better respect yourself.
MANDY: We work for our kids.
They will be strong at study.
MARIA: But what does this have to do with love?
MANDY: Everything.
There's no such thing as love.
MARIA: Clean.
(INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC PLAYING)
(IRON BOX HISSING)
FANNY: You're showing me the best baker in Paris as if you know better than I would.
(SPEAKING FRENCH)
- Is that right? - Perfect.
Let me order something else.
(SPEAKING FRENCH)
How do you say Lemon tart?
(SPEAKING FRENCH)
Non, non, non, non. We don't, we stop.
(SPEAKING FRENCH)
(INTENSE MUSIC PLAYING)
(EVERYONE SINGING) ♪ Happy birthday to you
Happy birthday sweetie.
MARIA: Bravo! Let's play kids.
KIDS: Yeah!
So...
What do you think? Boy or a girl?
PSYCHIC: Well, Let me see.
You're trying to play a trick on me here.
I can feel.
There's twins in there, no?
Oh, my God!
It's unbelievable.
I told you she was amazing.
When there is two I can not tell if there is boy or a girl.
Isn't it better than ultrasound.
One of you is worried.
One of you is in love.
You don't have to worry.
He's going to call and ask you away for the weekend.
Finally, Georges Clooney is going to call me.
What else?
Well, you should go. You should say yes.
Life wasn't always nice to you and will not always be so enjoy now.
I don't know who she's talking to
but one of you is going to have a nice weekend.
Maybe it's you.
The woman I'm talking about knows exactly who she is.
Should we open the presents, madam?
Are you drunk, Maria?
(PHONE RINGING)
(THE KETCHUP SONG PLAYING)
(SONG CONTINUES)
(GUN FIRES)
You Americans and guns. We can't fight it.
Well,
they give us guns at ten so we're not tempted to play with
the toy pistol between our legs.
And does it work?
The guilt works.
I always have a little guilt when I'm having sex.
How delicious that must be.
You must tell me all about it.
(CHUCKLES)
Et voila.
(MARIA GASPS)
Oh, it's so beautiful.
Is it a hotel?
No, my dear. It is not.
I want you to witness my big announcement.
Check.
ROSE: I'm going to get you.
What has got into you?
Let's have sex. Or let's run away.
We can have sex tonight.
And we can run away tomorrow. Now, come on.
ANNE: What I like about chess is the vision.
You know where you're going. But nobody else has a clue.
There is no such thing as vision in chess.
Only options.
Well, I have my own little shortcuts, my little lucky tricks.
Lay there for a minute and smell the flowers.
What is going on?
I can't go in there.
Are you ashamed of me?
Of course not.
David, you know me.
You know who I am.
I can not mix with these people. I can't.
Darling, Maria.
It is the 21st century,
Queen Elizabeth has dinner with Jay Z.
Come on, let's go.
Stefan Zweig said that he loved chess because
it had nothing to do with luck.
KIDS: Maria! Maria!
They're going to be caught believe me.
- Maria! - Maria!
Ah! (CHUCKLES)
You're amazing. Does every child in the world love you?
(SIGHS) Let's play.
Gentlemen, if I can have your attention please,
I bring news from London.
Your painting has been authentified.
Hallelujah.
Congratulations, mon vieux.
Thank you.
We have many things to celebrate today.
First, our friendship.
To our wives.
To our families.
And let's not forget,
Michelangelo Merisi da Caravaggio.
That rogue.
A master fornicator.
At least he had fun.
Taste it.
It's one of the greatest wines in the world. Bourgogne.
To life.
Thank you.
They are both with the nice Portuguese nanny going down for a nap.
Thank you so much.
Oh, my gosh,
you must have the magic touch. Shazam.
HELENE: Maria, tell us about yourself.
The mysterious woman who stole David's heart.
Or his liver.
His heart is difficult to steal.
(CHUCKLES)
Yeah, my heart is easy to steal but it's hard to hold.
I'm Irish, after all.
When did the Irish become experts in the affairs of heart?
They're supposed to be happy drunks.
BOB: The French do adultery.
And the English do spanky, spanky.
DAVID: And the Americans,
they have sex like they're invading a third world country
and didn't have to pay for it afterwords.
- (LAUGHS) - ANTOINE: I can explain it.
In France we choose adultery so we can stay married to our beloved wives.
The English, well, after 20 years of getting punished
in boarding schools,
fighting their homosexual feelings,
they only have the guts to speak to one girl.
That's it. They're settled for life.
What do you think, Maria?
Oh, well, I am an old fashion Spanish.
I do believe marriage is an important matter.
So you don't lie to anyone?
Interesting.
She's adorable.
It's like you're from the 19th century or something.
Because you think women were pure back then?
Did you ever read a book, David?
Yes, I'm nearly finished coloring it in.
Seriously. Vice has been around since,
human beings themselves.
And made it an excuse to invent virtue.
So, Anne, tell me.
How did you meet Maria?
She won't tell me.
Oh, no.
These two are very secretive about their friendship.
I don't even know when they met.
Why such a mystery?
I am their maid.
I have been cleaning their underwear and their toilets.
For about, what, ten years now, madam?
No, no. We traveled when we were young together.
And we ate at all the finest restaurants.
Tell me, did you eat at Alain Ducasse's new restaurant in Italy yet, L'Andana?
Oh, my God, you must absolutely go there. The meat is amazing.
How can you eat so much and stay that thin?
MARIA: She was always like that.
She was born like that.
Beautiful. Never ages.
She's a mystery.
Thank you, darling.
When are you going back to New York?
Soon.
Are we... Are you leaving?
Yes.
Fun's over.
There's an investment bank in New York I have to kill.
ANNE: And I'm going back to packing.
I'm taking the kids, the staff and heading home.
But that doesn't change your feelings?
What's a few miles between friends.
(BIRDS CHIRPING)
Oh, Maria.
Do you realize what a mess we're in because of your behavior?
I've never asked for anything, madam.
He just...
Well, it's good you didn't ask.
You're a housekeeper, not a prostitute.
It's not what you think it is, madam.
He's deeply in love with me.
True love. He told me.
The way he holds me during the night.
The way he looks at me.
Maria, just listen to me.
Anne, I beg you.
Don't call me Anne.
You abused my kindness. And you lied to me.
I just did what you asked me to do, madam.
I sat at that table.
Because you asked me to.
Look, I don't want to hurt you.
I know your life is hard.
But you're playing out of your league.
How do you know?
How can I explain this without hurting your feelings.
This is not your world.
If your opinions were really interesting, substantial,
if they had any impact or real interest,
why would you be a maid?
Because I am a Spanish immigrant.
I had no options, madam.
Cervantes, El Bulli,
Almodovar, Antonio Banderas.
They're all Spanish and they're not maids, are they?
He loves me, madam.
Perhaps you should believe in love too.
(SIGHS ANGRILY)
(MARIA SINGING IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE)
You in love.
You sing and you don't eat.
I eat.
Just not so much.
That's how it starts.
(DANCE MUSIC PLAYING)
Filthy genius. I read it.
- Uh, ha. - Tell me it's true?
It's all true.
Just like the first one.
Only this time, it's not Anne and my father.
It's Anne and the maid.
Totally cool.
And you know what? Political.
How does it end?
Who knows?
Badly.
Join me.
David!
How are you?
Hello, Anne.
This is so funny because I wanted to organize a double date with my friend.
Remember the pretty brunette from our dinner party? Jane.
Oh, yeah.
I know. She can seem a little boring at the beginning
but she's just a little lonely.
What with her divorce and trying to figure out
what to do with all her millions.
I hear she's a real tornado in bed.
(CHUCKLES)
Anne, I think you're getting me confused with, with some sort of gigolo.
I'm just a humble academic.
I hear you have other talents.
Maybe I could take you out some night.
Why not, when my beloved husband is out of town.
But in the meantime, I'll get the details from Jane.
Maria hasn't already told you?
Maria?
Oh, my God.
I thought that nightmare was over.
I feel terrible. I wanted to call you.
I just... I thought things would end quickly.
I surprised myself to be honest.
But what can I say. She beguiles me.
Look. I held back because I'm a nice person.
There's something I have to tell you.
But should remain between us.
Nobody should be embarrassed.
(INDISTINCT CONVERSATION)
I'm so sorry.
It's so good to see you.
I'll call you. Okay.
Okay.
(EXCLAIMS)
No! (GROANS)
Not too tight.
(SIGHS DEEPLY)
All done.
Okay.
(GROANS SOFTLY)
No, I'm fine.
Oh, God.
(INSTUMENTAL MUSIC PLAYING)
(SIGHS)
Hello, you've reached David Morgan. Please leave a message.
Hi David. It's me Maria.
Nothing. I hope you're doing well.
I sent you a message.
I hope you received them.
And nothing...
Call me back.
Take care.
(SIGHS)
Maybe something bad happen to him.
I don't know, an accident.
I know what kind of accident
happened to man that never call back.
It's an accident with boobs.
But it's not possible.
He was so in love with me.
You don't send text. You wait.
She's right. In French we say
(SPEAKS FRENCH)
Make him run.
(SPEAKS FRENCH)
Which means...
I don't know.
(BOB SPEAKING IN FRENCH)
(GRUNTS SOFTLY)
(SPEAKING IN FRENCH)
No, Bob it's not very professional.
Quasimodo's not watching.
Quasimodo would like this.
(CHUCKLES)
You know, Maria,
I can feel you're embarrassed with everything that's happened
but I want you to know you're still important in this house.
I've spoken with Bob and we're giving you a raise for Christmas.
Thank you, madam. But it will not be unnecessary.
Oh, nonsense.
Now will you bring tea and cake for two in the salon, please.
Yes, madam.
(SIGHS)
(WIND BLOWING)
(OBJECTS CLATTERING)
(MUSIC PLAYING)
After all, you've suddenly got all that wall space.
I was thinking if you wanted to stick to the 17th century.
There is this.
Oh, it's stunning.
Yeah?
Oh, it really is.
But Christie's are having a sale in London in a couple of weeks time.
You can go modern maybe pick up a Delacroix.
- Oh, my God. It's beautiful. - Isn't it.
I don't even know what to say.
I have to show Bob.
Oh, is he not here? Is he away?
He's at his French lesson.
His accent is hilarious. (LAUGHS)
Oh, yeah. Paris has been great for us.
We walk like we were when we first met.
DAVID: Congratulations.
(INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC PLAYING)
(INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC CONTINUES)
Bye, Steven.
Bye, Maria.
Take care.
Did you find your ending?
I'm not sure yet.
You know something?
A woman I was fond of once,
told me not to despise people.
That people love happy endings.
They can't fight it.
The hero runs.
He kisses her in the rain.
People love it.
Really?
People.
(INSTUMENTAL MUSIC PLAYING)
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