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Woman, you know you're a woman
You got to be...
- There she is. Hey. - Hi, guys.
JESS: All right, baby girl. You go, baby girl.
You go, baby girl. You go, you go get it.
- (CHEERING) - Yes!
- You're my baby... - BOTH: Ba, Ba, Ba, Ba, Ba...
JESS: No, no, no, don't make it.
- Oh! - Damn it!
Oh... Yes!
- (GAGS) Nope. I absolute... - I got this. I got this.
- I absolutely can't do it. - Come on, Jess!
But remember, this is a stupid frat boy ritual, so...
Yeah, but kick their ass! (WHOOPS)
- Yeah, fuck 'em up! - Hey.
- We're together. - No.
Cool, cool, cool.
- (CHEERING, GROANING) - JESS: Yes.
- (SCREAMING, WHOOPING) - MAN: Yeah, go, Jess!
- Dude! - (LAUGHING)
Oh, God. Oh, God, Jess.
Only two cups left.
No, there's one cup. You're just seeing double.
Oh, God! There's only one cups left.
- Oh, I can't do it. It's too much pressure. - What?
- I can't do it, Jess. - Look...
- Look at me. Look at me. - Mmm-hmm?
You got us through the Wendy's drive-through
when my car had no windshield and three tires.
(WHISPERS) You can do anything.
(WHISPERING) Yeah, but everybody's watching me,
and I'm sweating like crazy.
I look like a princess, but I smell like a peasant.
Let's go, foot job girl!
Excuse me, she has a name! It's Alice.
And she's my best friend, and she's good and kind.
BOTH: Yeah!
Thank you, but I did jerk off his roommate with my feet.
I... I know.
The key is, right foot only for, like, a while.
- You know? Make him beg for... - The left one. I know. Focus!
If we win this, we will be the only girls to ever win the Halloween tournament.
(WHISPERS) We've got to do this.
For womankind.
Stop making me horny, and shoot!
MAN: (RAPPING) Everybody in this bitch gettin' tipsy...
(DISTORTED WHOOSHING)
(CHEERING)
ALICE AND JESS: We did it! We did it! We did it!
- I want up! I want up! I want up! - You deserve it.
You've earned it.
(WHOOPING, CHEERING)
Here we go. All right. All right, yes!
I'm the king of the world!
(THUMP)
ALL: Oh!
BLAIR: Oh. Again?
FRANKIE: Dude. Oh, God. BLAIR: Jess?
WOMAN: Are you all right?
- Oh, my God, are you okay? - Dude. Come on. Come on.
- I'm fine, Mom. - (LAUGHING) Oh, my God.
What happened?
Honestly, I don't even know why we go to these stupid parties.
I just want to hang out with you guys.
- I know. I feel the same way. - Yes!
Everyone else at this college is sloppy and gross.
- BLAIR: Water. - Wait, come here.
Oh.
- Ugh! - Mmm. Not bad.
- ALICE: Who's grosser? - (RHYTHMIC WHIRRING)
What is that?
- What is that? - What's happening?
Oh, it's my vibrator, it randomly turns on and off.
(ALL LAUGHING)
Oh, my God, you guys, I'm gonna miss you so much next semester.
- I don't want to talk about it. - It's sad.
- No, no, no, no. - FRANKIE: Dude,
Al Gore is guest-lecturing next semester.
Maybe you don't want to go to Australia. I don't know.
- Yeah. - On my 21st birthday, though,
my dad's getting us the chopper.
I said I don't want to talk about it.
So I don't know what's happening.
I don't even want to go. I just...
It was so hard to get into the political science program.
And plus, my gym class is bungee jumping, so...
Oh, my God, wear a good bra.
Well, look, we'll have all of senior year together,
and then we'll have the rest of our lives together, so it's fine.
- BLAIR: Yeah. - You promise?
You guys, our kids are gonna play together.
- FRANKIE: Oh, my God! - Oh, my gosh!
- We're so lucky! - ALICE: Get in here! Come here.
- Oh. Mmm! - (RHYTHMIC WHIRRING)
- FRANKIE: Okay, that is a second vibrator. - Yeah, I have a few.
Just... Just, yeah.
BLAIR: No! JESS: Janine, no!
- No! No! No! - Janine, get out!
- Come on. - Janine!
Oh, my God! Stop!
- Bathroom is next-door! - Cannot believe!
- Every damn weekend with this! - Stop! She's already peeing.
ALICE: Janine!
MAN: (SINGING) Whoo!
What! What!
(MELLOW MUSIC PLAYING)
Hi. I'm Jessica Thayer, and I'm running for state senate.
Crime, underfunded schools, sewage.
These are real problems that our community is facing.
Looking forward to your vote on November 3.
Thank you.
- It's great. - Well, 6Ø% of the focus group
did say that it seemed like you wouldn't put out.
What? Why are they being asked that?
Don't know, but 6Ø% is, like, a lot.
- Yeah. - We're still so close.
I don't understand, Wesson literally tweeted out a dick pic.
He apologized.
Yes. He said, "I'm sorry, wrong dick pic,"
- and then he tweeted out another one. - (GRUNTS)
Look, if Wesson wins, he's literally gonna cut every single program
that actually helps people.
We know that. Right?
But people want to vote for someone they can relate to.
They feel safe with Wesson.
They want to have a beer with him.
I'm not sure anyone wants to have a beer with that.
(GROANS)
- (RINGTONE PLAYING) - Oh.
Hey, Alice.
Hey. I am so excited for this trip.
I got my IUD taken out for Miami.
Um, is that a good idea?
Uh, yeah. It's your bachelorette weekend.
Jess, Wesson tweeted out another dick pic,
and it's already got 10,0ØØ retweets.
Alice, I... I got to call you back.
(BEEP)
Tulum, give her back her Kindle!
Every fuckin' day.
♪♪
- Hey. - Mmm. Hey.
I'm so sorry. I got stuck at the office.
It's okay.
BOTH: Mmm.
- I got you chicken cashew nut, extra nut. - Oh, no.
I ate an apple
and a bag of very, very stale pretzels at the office.
It was so hard to get extra nut.
That woman is so mean. She yells at me all the time.
She thought I hung up, but I heard her call me a dipshit.
- How much did you tip? - 2Ø%.
- I know. I know, I know. - Yeah. Like, I couldn't. I...
- You're just such a good person. - (RINGTONE PLAYING)
Oh, it's Alice. I forgot to call her back.
- It's okay, get it. - No. I can't, I can't, I can't.
- Enough with my bachelorette itinerary. - Ah.
- Like, she's planned it to the half hour. - Wow.
Yeah, I feel like this weekend has come at the worst possible time.
I'm so stressed out.
You'll see your friends, you'll have fun.
It'll be restorative.
Like that time we took Xanax and slept for 16 hours.
Oh, God, that was good.
(SIGHS) You know, I love those girls,
but I really just don't want to have a party weekend right now.
- Mmm-hmm. - I want to have a weekend with you.
- I miss you. - Mmm-hmm. I miss you, too.
- You've been at the office, like, nonstop. - I know.
Mmm.
Mmm. Mmm.
Wait, wait, one... If we keep kissing,
I'm gonna want to have sex.
I'm okay with that.
- I'm down. - Okay.
But I have, like, four things I have to do before.
I just have to print out those itineraries for the city council meeting.
And I have to email the Herald.
I have, like, a 25-minute-ish interview.
- Ooh. Okay. - I...
I tell you what, I'm gonna let you do all that,
and I'm gonna go masturbate in the shower and go to sleep.
- Really? - Yeah.
- You're the best. - Well...
- I love you. - I love you, too.
JESS: So, I texted you the address. ALICE: Jess! Shots! Shots!
Shots, shots, shots, shots! Shots! Shots!
- Shots, shots, shots! - (BOTH LAUGHING)
- ALICE: Yay! Yes! - (BOTH LAUGH)
Oh, my God.
- What's on my head? - This is it.
Your bachelorette weekend.
I have been waiting for this moment since the first day of freshman year.
- Get in here. - You have?
Oh, my God, there's gonna be so many hot Miami babes.
We are gonna be swimmin' in dick, girl!
Hi, Alice.
- Peter. Hi. - Hey.
And get out of here, she's mine now.
Don't get in too much trouble, okay?
- Yeah, I won't. - Let's go, let's do it.
Drive safe. Have fun at your bachelor party, okay?
Will do.
Hey, Alice, be careful swimming in all that dick.
ALICE: What are you? Okay, bye.
I'm so happy to see you.
Oh, this weekend's gonna be so much fun.
Can't wait to see my girls!
When the pepper spray hits your face, and it will,
keep your mouth closed tight.
- We are peaceful protestors. - Yes!
Yet we fight, you know? Yet we are strong!
- Yeah! Yeah! - This is war!
- (ALARM BEEPING) - Okay, I got to head to a bachelorette.
But if anybody from the group disappears from the protest,
you text my cell phone immediately.
You have a cell phone?
- Uh, no. - You're one of them!
(FRANKIE GROANS)
I'll pick you up after school on Monday, okay, sweetie?
Mommy, do you have to go to Miami?
Yes, I really do.
But I'm gonna miss you so much.
Technically, my time started 2Ø minutes ago,
so, going to note this for the custody hearing.
Mmm. I love you. Mwah! Mwah!
Bye.
♪♪
Come on, shake your body, baby, do the conga
I know you can't control yourself any longer...
♪♪
Well, well, well.
Damn.
How do you do it?
How do you look this flawless getting off a plane?
It's honestly rude.
What, are you flirting with me?
I would not flirt with a happily married woman who broke my heart.
Oh, my God, you broke up with me, don't even start with that.
Excuse me, now you are flirting with me, okay?
It's good to see you.
It's good to see you, too.
Girl, I have had a day.
First was full, I had to ride business. It was disgusting.
(LAUGHS)
- Gross. - You're serious. Okay. Cool.
Oh, my God, did you hear Alice is making us go to a foam party?
Ugh! I know.
She has a scary amount of time on her hands.
Even though she's a full-time teacher, I'm still like, "Get a job."
Do you have a job?
Activism is a full-time job, but...
- Also no. - Mmm-hmm.
Look at them, the magic is still there.
- Hello! - Hello!
- Hi! - Hi! Yes! Yes!
(SHOUTS, LAUGHTER)
- Oh, my God! - It is all happening!
Mmm! God, you smell so good.
- I have, like, half a pound of weed in my bra. - Ah.
- Hey, Alice, how's your mom? - Well, Alzheimer's is tough, but she's good.
Good.
The Wallace 5th Floor Girls are back together again!
(WHOOPING, LAUGHING)
God, when was the last time we were all together?
I think it was two summers ago
when we came to visit you in your tree, right?
No, no, no, 'cause Jess couldn't make it, it was, uh,
New Year's Eve, when Blair was in labor.
- Oh, my God. Crazy. - God, that was three years ago, then.
Yeah. Well, we only have 55 hours,
so let's stop wasting our motherfucking time
and let's get the party started.
- Yes! - Alice, you rock!
- The party starts now. - (CORK POPS)
(PANICKED SHOUTS, SCREAMS)
Oh, my God. That was a bad idea.
- Yeah, we're in an airport. - That was bad.
- That sounded like a gunshot. - Yeah.
- Let's go. - Yep.
JESS: Sorry. Our bad.
ALICE: Sorry, everyone, bachelorette weekend.
FRANKIE: I was never here! Never! Move!
(CONGA PLAYING)
♪♪
Come on, shake your body, baby, do the conga
I know you can't control yourself any longer
BLAIR: Ooh. FRANKIE: Wow.
ALICE: Nice Miami house, mami. BLAIR: Very nice.
FRANKIE: Oh, gracias. JESS: Um...
We are supposed to pick up the keys from the neighbors.
ALICE: Did you bring a bathing suit?
JESS: Hello? ALICE: The beach is nice.
Hi.
Sorry, somebody left some keys for...
- Oh, my goodness. - Oh, sorry, we'll come back.
- So sorry. - LEA: Oh, hi, girls.
No, no, I'm sorry.
Let me put something on.
FRANKIE: Oh.
- LEA: Come on in. - Very funny.
- Is it really? - I love it.
- Hello. - Hi.
- Thank you. Oh. - Hi. Oh.
Okay.
What brings you to Miami?
Business? Pleasure?
The business of pleasure?
Oh, bachelorette weekend.
- Jess is getting married. - Ah.
- Congratulations! - JESS: Thank you.
This marriage, will it be open?
You know, we haven't discussed it.
But, probably closed. Yeah.
Tightly, tightly closed.
Lea, does she not remind you
of our French girl from Turks and Caicos?
- Oh. - She does.
Thank you. Thanks.
Well, we're gonna try to keep it down.
- BLAIR: Mmm-hmm. - Oh, well, we'll try not to.
- ALICE: Oh. - (LAUGHTER)
Ah! Yes!
- They're serious. - Go. Go, go, downstairs.
She is delicious.
- I want that. - Mmm.
(WOMEN LAUGHING)
Ooh, yes.
Oh, Real World, baby! Miami!
Ew. This house represents everything I hate.
I'm gonna go take a protest dump.
I call the room next to Jess! Ah.
Oh, I think that room has bunk beds,
so you're gonna have to share with Pippa.
Uh, who that?
Pippa, my Australian friend from semester abroad.
She's been CC'd on, like, every single email.
Oh, right.
Well, if my snoring bothers her, she can take the couch.
Or she can just start on the couch and we'll go from there.
We'll figure it out. She'll start on the couch.
- JESS: Blair. - What?
Can you be careful with the red wine on the white carpet, please?
My biggest and only donor
generously lent us this house for the weekend.
- So, please be careful. - Okay.
I'm telling you, she's got bigger problems than a wine stain
if she wants to sell this place for 3.4 in this market.
- How do you know that? - Zillow.
- I Zillow everybody. - Really?
Like, do you know how much my house is worth?
- Mmm-hmm. - ALICE: Okay, atención.
Bachelorette kit time.
Let me get your attention.
We got it all.
Bride-to-be bathrobe for our lovely Jess,
penis straws, penis sunglasses, penis sprinkles, penis gum,
penis hats, penis pasta.
And yes, I did get a little drunk and ate some of that dry.
- Don't judge. - No judgment.
Also, I wrote you a card. But don't read it now, read it later.
- Thanks, Alice. - Yeah.
(FRANKIE SCREAMS UPSTAIRS)
Oh, shit. Frankie?
- Frankie? - Frankie.
(LAUGHS) Oh, my God!
- What? - JESS: Oh!
BLAIR: Oh, my God. FRANKIE: Oh, yes, mami.
Is that a sex swing?
Ooh, your donor is a freak, Jess.
Please. She rents this house out.
I'm sure somebody else left it here accidentally.
And installed a load-bearing beam to support it accidentally.
- Yeah. - Oh, my God, Jess.
I want to audition some dresses for tonight.
I brought 14. Come on!
WOMAN: (SINGING) Yeah, I wanna burn
Break, crash, explode
Every time you look at me, you look at me...
Jess, if you are working,
- I'm gonna smack you in the face right now. - I'm not. I'm not.
- One second. - I'm gonna smack your face.
- Wait, wait, let me send it. Send, send, send. - Put it down.
All right, come on, let's take a picture.
- Say, um, "Miami forever." - Uh, forever.
- (CAMERA CLICKS) - (ALICE CHUCKLES)
- You want us in the picture or not? - Do you guys want us in the photo...
- We're here, too. - ALICE: Oh, my gosh,
- we both look killer in that. - Cool.
I'm so bummed I can't tag you in this, on Facebook.
Why did you delete your account?
I had to. You were, you were tagging me
- on things that could literally ruin my career. - (LAUGHS)
- Yeah. - (PHONE CHIMES)
It's Pip! She's here!
- What? Who's that? - Hi!
- JESS: Pip! - Oh.
(SQUEALS SOFTLY)
Sorry. Whoops.
- I'm sorry. Whoops. - MAN: Hey.
Hello, hello, hello.
Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
(BOTH SQUEAL)
- (LAUGHS) - You're a goddess. You're literally a goddess.
- Guys... - Hi.
This is Pippa.
- Hello. - BLAIR: The famous...
Frankie, Blair, Alice.
Hey, what's up?
My God, you guys are meeting for the first time, this is so exciting.
- I know. - Nice to meet you.
This is so weird, you guys, because it's sort of like
you're all Jess's best friends, I'm Jess's best friend.
And so it's sort of like we're all already best friends, you know?
Well, it's a little different for us, sorry to interrupt,
but, uh, Jess and I were freshman year roommates,
so it's kind of like family. Eh.
- I know, I know. - Um, okay, I'm going to grab a chair.
Feel free to gel.
PIPPA: Just gonna sit on my suitcase here.
Ooh. I'm famished.
- Do you want my leftovers? - Oh, shoot. We just finished.
No, I was gonna wrap that up and take it to go.
I think we're done. Check, please!
It's okay. I'm just gonna take some of this bread from the bread basket.
When you got bread and Vegemite, you got yourself a meal.
What? Vegemite?
They should call you cuckoos instead of Kiwis.
Am I right?
- Alice. - Oh, my God.
That's funny on several levels,
because I'm actually Australian and a Kiwi is a New Zealander.
There's nothing wrong with being a Kiwi, we all love Kiwis,
but, um, it's sort of like calling a Chinese person Japanese.
It's just sort of like, little bit racist
to not recognize the cultural differences there, you know?
Oh, my gosh.
Eat me out. It's a fruit, Kiwi.
(LAUGHS) I'll take it.
Pippa, what do you do?
Well, singer-songwriter is the dream.
Uh, party clown is the reality.
- Hmm. - Check. Just, anyone, a check.
(WHISPERS) A chair.
(MOUTH FULL) Oh, a chair.
Right. (SIGHS)
I'm so excited to see you. It's been so long.
- Tell me everything. - I'm dying.
The flight was literally amazoir.
- (SILVERWARE TAPPING GLASS) - Ding, ding, ding, ding, da-dang, ding, ding.
Uh, it's toast, toast time.
- JESS: Oh. - (LAUGHS)
Raise your glasses, Jess.
Gosh, I can't believe you're getting married.
Feels like just yesterday you were showing me
how to hide that cat scratch on my face with that cover-up.
I remember that.
And even though we don't get to see you all the time
because you're so busy with Peter and the campaign
and changing your Brita filters or whatever it is you white people do,
(VOICE BREAKS) I love you, and you're my best friend.
Uh... To me and Jess.
- Be-cheers. - BLAIR: Cheers. Again.
I love you, Alice. Thank you.
Three toasts is the limit tonight, though. You're cut off.
If you're gonna do another one, do it now,
'cause I'm gonna go to the bathroom.
- Do you want to come? - Why would I come with you?
It's a heteronormative thing that girls do.
ALICE: Okay, guys, no one responded to my emails
about which club we were gonna go to,
so I printed out the top 1Ø according to Yelp.
I have my personal favorite, but I don't want to sway anyone, so...
- Is it the one that's circled in big red? - Yeah.
I was kind of hoping that we could make it an early night.
(LAUGHS) Yeah, right. What?
- That doesn't feel right. - No, I'm just so exhausted.
I mean, I've been so overworked...
No, not gonna happen, baby girl, all right?
'Cause this is the biggest weekend of our lives, all right?
Ooh, girls. Ooh, girls.
Hi. I just got some coke from the busboy.
- You fucking what? - What?
America. Already?
Sort of right on the nose.
- Yes, okay, now we're talking. - Ba-bam! Booyah!
Now, okay, I'm in. I'm in.
Okay, guys, I can't do any cocaine.
I'm running for office.
What? No one's gonna find out you did a little coke...
- Stop. - Did a little coke at your bachelorette.
I haven't really done drugs myself since I sort of...
I smoked this bit of shoji root
on an excursion in the desert, and I died.
Anyway, I'm very jet-lagged,
so I will do cocaine, yes.
- So everyone's in? Yep? - Dope, dope, dope.
You guys, hold on. I don't know.
Stop being a stupid fucking cunt and do a little fucking cocaine!
- (SILVERWARE CLATTERS) - Jesus, Frankie.
Sorry, I did a little bit of it.
(SNIFFS)
ALICE: Jess.
It would mean...
(WHISPERS) Yeah.
It would mean so much to me,
if we could do a little bit of cocaine together.
♪♪
(ALL INHALING DEEPLY)
- (GRUNTS) So disgusting! - (FRANKIE COUGHING)
- Let me get a little more. - Yep.
Before, I was very tired, and now I'm sort of very awake.
That's the cocaine.
- (CHUCKLES) I figured. - Yeah.
I love this. I love Miami!
- Yeah, girl! - Miami!
(ALL WHOOPING)
Whoo!
Okay, now put on these fucking sashes.
(TROUBLE BY NEON JUNGLE PLAYING)
Trouble
I don't look for trouble, but trouble looks for me
And it's been waiting around corners since I was 17
They say, "Here comes a hurricane Trouble is her middle name"
But I don't look for trouble, yeah, trouble looks for me
Hey, hey
I just want to live a quiet life
I'll make an excellent wife
Man, I swear I really try
But some boys, they just can't eat it whole
Trouble is my name, you know
(CHEERING)
- Thank you! - All right.
(PIPPA VOCALIZING)
Mmm.
- (BURPS, GROANS) - Oh, my God!
- (SCREAMING) - Yes, yes, yes!
- Oh, my God! - No, no, no.
Man, it smells like barf over here.
- Let's get the fuck out of here. - God!
(KNOCKOUT BLURRY BY MARKAHOLIC PLAYING)
Blurry
Blurry, blurry
Blurry
Blurry, blurry
Knock 'em back, one, two
But it's gettin' kinda blurry
Get blurry with it
Got my eyes on you
But you're gettin' kinda blurry, no hurry with it
Rock your body, and it all makes sense
Got me up under your influence
I'm getting us drinks.
Knockout blurry, no worries
You guys, you guys, let's get Jess a stripper!
- Yes! - Oh, yeah. Okay.
Right?
You guys, you guys, you guys, male or female, though?
Male. I'm thinking male for her.
- Yeah. - Okay, I got it.
Frankie, do you have a tampon?
- I need one. - Uh-huh, yup.
- Thank you. - Got one. Here we go.
What day of your flow are you on?
Oh, no, no. It's our code.
In college, we would ask each other for tampons
if some guy was skeezing us out and we wanted to be saved.
You just say "tampon," and they run.
PIPPA: Oh, my God, I love that.
I used to use tampons, but now I use David cups.
- You mean DivaCups. - No, no, David.
They were designed by my neighbor, David,
to collect blood for an art installation he's doing.
Let's stop talking about periods now.
Cool.
All right, everybody, we have a special request from a Caucasian named
- (SINGSONGY) Alice! - (CHEERING)
That's me. I'm Caucasian Alice.
Bring all your girls up here. Grab 'em.
Jess, come on. Come on.
Give her the drinks. Go on. Girls, get up there.
We won the talent show freshman year with this little routine.
Might want to stand back. No, physically, get back!
(CHUCKLES) Okay.
If you didn't go to college with us, you're not in the routine.
Okay, get into places.
(WHOOPS)
All you ladies pop your pussy like this
Shake your body, don't stop, don't miss
All you ladies pop your pussy like this
Shake your body, don't stop, don't miss
Just do it, do it, do it, do it, do it now
Lick it good, suck this pussy
- Just like you should - Yeah!
My neck, my back, lick my pussy and my crack
You're doing so good!
Lick it now, lick it good
- Lick this pussyjust like you should - Come on
Right now, lick it good
These are my new friends.
My neck, my back, lick
Jess, Jess, Jess!
- Oh! - (CROWD GASPING)
- Oh, shit. - Oh, my God.
Are you okay? You all right?
Did anybody see me fall?
- Everybody saw. Everybody saw. - No. Well, yeah.
- Alice! You fell! - Yeah.
It was be-gorgeous!
Jess, you were supposed to catch me.
You know, I forgot that one part. I'm so sorry.
It's a pretty important part!
Would some more cocaine make you feel better?
Yes!
- I'm gonna party till the break of day - (ALL SNIFFING)
(SNIFFS)
This Montepulciano is majestic and rebellious.
Tell me, what are you tasting?
Pepper.
Pass. I need more time.
(MOANS)
Forest floor.
Licorice.
- There's a nostalgia to it, you know? - OTHERS: Mmm-hmm. Yes.
- You are all correct! - ALL: Oh!
- Yes! - PATRICK: I need more time.
(RINGTONE PLAYING)
Oh. (HISSING INHALE)
It's Jess.
- Take it. - Okay. Hello.
I'm drunk! I lost two credit cards already.
PETER: Oh, no. Okay.
- Well, it's getting pretty wild over here, too. - JESS: Really?
I'm getting, like, a light beeswax.
- Oh, I like that. - Oh.
- Jess, guy says that we can drive his Lambo. - (LAUGHING)
- I, um, I... Babe, I got to go. - All right.
Call me when you're home safe.
- I will. I love you. - Love you, too.
ALICE: Get off the phone.
Are we ready to get crazy?
- Yeah. - Sure.
This Lambrusco is served...
Chilled!
(ALL EXCLAIMING)
(LAUGHTER AND WHOOPING)
Do you guys remember Michelle?
BLAIR: Oh, Michelle, she was obsessed with Nickelback.
(LAUGHTER)
- ALICE: Ooh, beauty, Jess! - (PIPPA GASPS)
- I know what this soiree needs. - What?
Pizza!
- (FRANKIE WHOOPS) - OTHERS: Yeah!
- PIPPA: Pizza! Pizza! - Yes, yes, yes.
- Yes! - Nice! Sweet!
Okay, I love her.
- Right? - Yes.
She is... Be-mazing? I don't know how she would say it,
but she is incredible!
I am telling you, she is one of us.
- She is so free-spirited. - BOTH: Totally.
- I just... I love her. - I don't know about that.
- I totally feel it. - Do you guys feel like
she's here on a work visa,
or, like, a tourist visa or, like, illegally?
- Like, what's her deal? - What, dude?
- She's here for a bachelorette party. - JESS: That is crazy.
- BLAIR: Build a wall. - I just, like, don't...
I don't want to do anything illegal tonight.
- JESS: What? - You don't?
You just snorted a mound of cocaine.
- Simultaneously. - That was, like, in the name of Jess.
That was, like, for Jess.
- Don't put that on me. - FRANKIE: Oh, check you out.
You're literally cuckoo.
I'm just, like, voicing what some people are thinking,
- you know what I mean? - Do you have snags?
Okay, no snags.
Um, is... This is a pizza shop, yeah?
God, it is so warm.
- You guys have to get in. - JESS: Mmm,
I am coming.
I am gonna warn you now.
Uh, did not have time to self-wax, so it is like a jungle down there.
- BLAIR: Self-wax? - Yeah.
Like, with those weird little, like, paper strips?
Yikes, dude.
Even I'm like, "Yikes, dude."
Look, you guys, I don't understand. Why all the hate?
- (DOORBELL RINGS) - Ooh.
- Mmm. - Okay, I got it, I got it.
- Well, that was fast. - But, seriously,
we're gonna talk about this self-wax thing later.
- Okay, come on. - Ooh.
(POUNDING ON DOOR)
- Hey... - Oh, not bad.
- Stripper's here! - (ALICE WHOOPS)
- You guys! - Yes!
I don't want a stripper!
Did you bring a CD or anything?
Like, Now That's What I Call Music! or anything?
- No. No, I didn't. - No? It's all right.
I got some pretty filthy music on my phone.
- I'll hook you up. (CLICKS TONGUE) - Thanks.
- Hey. - Hi.
Hey, um, I, uh, I got to take a piss.
Oh, yeah, there's a bathroom down there.
All right.
It's, like, down there.
JESS: Mmm.
I bet he's going to fluff his junk!
Let's give him room, let's make a stage, yes.
You guys, I don't want a stripper.
I think he looks like he's on something.
He's definitely on something. Like bath salts.
Oh, my God, he's gonna eat our faces.
- Oh, God, he would! - Ugh, this vintage remote is so confusing.
JESS: I've never even had a striptease. I mean...
- Nope. - Well, there was that one time.
- I love myself - ALICE: Yes!
Maybe somebody else should go.
- Stripper. Stripper, stripper. - So, this is Jess,
the bride-to-be, your subject, okay?
And lucky for you, so lucky,
you get to do whatever you want.
Fuck her!
- Alice! - Jesus.
- Too much. - What? If it happens.
(WHOOPS)
- Okay, whoo! Here we go. - PIPPA: Do it.
(WHOOPING)
- First layer, off. - (WHOOPING)
I touch myself
- Oh, shit. - ALICE: Yeah!
JESS: Okay. BLAIR: Come on, Jess!
Here he comes. He's looking at me.
(EXCITED SHOUTS, WHOOPING)
Ooh, happy Boxing Day.
ALICE: Yes!
It's kind of turning me on, but I really have to pee,
so it's, like, so confusing.
- Mansploitation, bitch! Yes! - (WHOOPING)
Let's get to the beans, let's get to the beans.
Yeah, just do it.
Get it over with. Get it over with!
- (LAUGHING) So good! - Love her.
Make her feel special.
(GASPS)
ALICE: Yes! BLAIR: Get that!
- (WHOOPING) - JESS: Oh, he's warm.
Ooh, all right. I like it.
- (WHOOPS) - JESS: Okay.
I know you want it, you little slut.
Oh, God! No! Ew.
Gross. You sit down.
- (CLEARS THROAT) - So aggressive.
- FRANKIE: I'm definitely gay. - Okay, my turn!
- (GRUNTS) - Whoa, whoa, whoa.
- Oh! - Oh, shit!
FRANKIE: Holy shit.
- I'm good! - JESS: Hey.
Are you okay?
Oh, him? He's fine. You're okay, right, bud?
Oh, God.
- Oh, my God. Oh, my God. - Oh, shit! That's blood!
ALICE: What the fuck? Oh, God.
- Oh, my God, he's not breathing! - (GASPS)
- JESS: Shit! - Does anybody know CPR?
- ALICE: Oh, my God. - I'll look it up on YouTube!
- No, no, no. - PIPPA: Oh, my God.
We got to do something!
Bugger! It's playing an advert for toilet tissue.
ALICE: Jess, do something!
- Shit. - No, no, no.
BLAIR: Holy shit!
Oh, please, God, please don't let this happen.
He's bleeding out. I can't stop the blood!
I have some Advil. I'll get it out of my bag.
What's Advil gonna do, Alice?
- It's extra-strength, bitch! - Somebody call an ambulance!
- Four, five, six, seven, eight... - He doesn't have a pulse.
Fuck.
He's dead.
- Oh, shit. - Oh, shit.
I...
I don't want anybody else
When I think about you
BLAIR: Turn off the fucking music!
Oh, I don't want anybo...
- (TURNS OFF MUSIC) - (QUIET CRYING)
- FRANKIE: Oh, shit. - I'm so sorry.
I didn't mean to.
- Oh, my God. - Oh, God, I'm so sorry.
- (GAGS) - I'm so sorry.
- No, no, no. - Oh, God, the blood,
(GASPS) it's going everywhere.
Paper towels! Somebody get paper towels!
Why don't you do something, Blair!
I'm delegating!
- I killed a guy. - It's okay.
Oh, God.
- Oh, not the bathroom towels. - Oh, shit.
What are you talking about!
Who cares about towels right now?
Well, I don't know! I don't know what to do!
I killed a guy!
Oh, God!
- I killed a guy today. - Okay, okay.
- Deep breaths, deep breaths. - "What'd you do?"
- Deep breath. - "I killed a guy."
"What have you been up to?"
(SNIFFS) "Death."
(INHALES, EXHALES)
- Keep it in there. - That's better. That's better.
Time to call the police. Yeah?
No, no, no, don't call the police. We're all high.
Let's get rid of the drugs, and then we'll call the police.
Yeah, we'll just, we'll clean up a dead stripper, cool.
Well, technically, he's a prostitute.
(COUGHING)
- He's a prostitute? - No.
I got him from Craigslist.
He is a stripper, but then also an escort.
You hired a gigolo?
Don't judge sex work, Blair!
- Oh, my God! - Frankie!
You know I'm running for public office! How could you do this to me?
It's worse for me. I have two strikes.
If I get a third, I could go to jail for 25 to life.
I'm not even supposed to be out of the state right now.
I had to pry my ankle monitor off with a shoehorn to get here!
Oh, God.
It's the chair's fault.
Fuckin' shit chair!
Wait a minute. You guys, wait a minute!
It was an accident. Right?
So, like, we're not gonna get in trouble for an accident.
FRANKIE: We're in Florida, Alice.
A white dude is dead at the hands of a bunch of women.
BLAIR: Yeah, white women.
I'm black, in case any of you have forgotten.
I think the only person who's forgotten that is you.
How dare you.
I rest my case.
I knew this weekend was a terrible idea.
What? No.
This can still be the best weekend of our fucking lives!
Let's just smile a little bit about it. Right? Smile more. (AWKWARD CHUCKLING)
Okay, we're gonna be fine.
- We're gonna call the cops, but Jess is right. - Definitely.
We need to make this seem as innocent as possible,
so let's get rid of all the drugs.
I'm on it. (SNIFFS)
- Alice, not by doing them! - (COUGHS)
Okay, someone tell me what to do, and I will do it.
- (SHUDDERS) Uh? - (DOORBELL RINGS)
- (ALICE AND PIPPA GRUNT) - What the...
- Oh. Oh. - Shit, shit, shit.
(PIPPA PANTING HEAVILY)
It's pizza.
You guys, what are we gonna do?
The house is made of glass. He can see in.
We got to move him, you guys.
- (KNOCKING) - Do it, do it, do it.
- (PANICKED CHATTER) - (DOORBELL RINGS)
JESS: Go, go, go.
Wait, wait, wait, you guys.
You guys, you guys, you guys, wait, wait, wait. One second.
- (KNOCKING) - Watch the couch.
(SQUEALS)
(DOORBELL RINGS)
- Shit. - Somebody answer the door.
Does anyone have cash for a tip?
I have Australian dollars.
They're stronger than American dollars.
DELIVERY MAN: Castelucci Pizza.
- What's this? - Leave.
- Oh, God. - Oh, fuck.
I was natural.
Okay, open it.
Open it up.
Oh, yes.
How can you eat right now?
Eating is the number one way people deal with stress, okay?
Don't give me shit.
You guys want some?
- Oh, yeah, I'd go for a slice. One second. - I'll have a slice. Yeah.
Okay, I think now it's time for us to call the cops, yeah?
Wait, wait, wait. I think we should call a lawyer first,
so we know exactly what to say during the interrogation.
- Okay. - Wait, I'm sorry, what's going on?
We're gonna be interrogated?
We are 1Ø0% gonna be interrogated.
Somebody died in a sketchy way.
They're gonna separate us into little cells,
you know, with swinging lights.
The coppers are gonna try to crack us, fucking pigs!
Okay, let's definitely call a lawyer, then.
Oh, my God. My Uncle Jack.
He was on the team that defended Bernie Madoff.
- Ah, thank God. - Thank God.
Wait. We should use a burner phone so there's no record.
- JESS: Good idea. - That's actually a good point.
- Shit! - ALL: What, Alice?
The foam party!
Should I sell our passes?
BLAIR: Wow.
You're right. Let's play it by ear.
Smart, Jess.
(RINGTONE PLAYING)
Oh, shit! Peter!
- Okay. - I forgot to call him when I got home.
- Do not answer that. - I have to.
- No! - Jess. Jess, stop.
Hello!
- Hey, babe. - Hi. How's it going?
- Stop. - Are you home safe? You never called.
- Hang up. Hang up. - Yeah, I am.
Yeah, everything's great.
Did you do whippets again? You sound really weird.
- What? - Is everything all right?
- Hang up. Hang up. Hang up. - Stop, stop, stop.
- Peter, something really bad happened. - No.
- What? - No, this guy came over.
He was a stripper, like, a prostitute.
- A prostitute? - And we were drunk,
and coked up, and I don't know what to do.
About what? The wedding?
- (FRANTIC WHISPERING) - Jess, do you still want to get married?
- You can't, you can't... - JESS: No! (GASPS)
- Jess! - (CLICK)
I can't believe you just did that.
We can't talk to anybody until we consult with a lawyer.
She's right. You know what,
I'm collecting everyone's phones until we know what the plan is.
- Agreed? - Mmm-hmm, mmm-hmm.
- Yes. - Agreed.
- Mmm-hmm. - Fine.
- Well, I have a game on it that relaxes me. - Give it.
Thank you.
♪♪
Okay, so we got to get this burner phone from a convenience store.
- Smart. - Yeah, good idea.
Frankie and I can go.
- Great. - ALICE: Um...
- Or, like, anybody else could go. - BLAIR: Why?
- Do we argue? - We bicker. Yeah, we bicker.
- (CHUCKLES) It's true, but... - No. I think that we debate,
which is a normal part of talking.
That's funny. That's the same thing, debating and arguing.
- It's semantics. - "Semantics."
Wow, I didn't realize I was talking to a wordsmith.
- They used to be lovers, yeah? - FRANKIE: Three syllables.
I'm a wordsmith 'cause I read the news regularly.
- Is it that obvious? - BLAIR: Oh, my God.
- I'm too busy shopping, right? - I have a sort of a sense of these things.
- (OTHERS CONTINUE ARGUING) - Also, she's been fixated on her nips.
Just because I don't use Tom's of Maine deodorant, which,
by the way, does not work...
I don't use Tom's deodorant...
- It's kind of nasty to watch, isn't it? - ...into my body.
PETER: Yeah, so, I call. She picks up.
- Uh-huh. - She sounds very strange.
I know something's wrong immediately.
And then, finally, she admits it.
She says something really bad happened with a prostitute.
- OTHERS: Ooh! - That does not mean she cheated.
But if she was going to cheat, this is when she would do it.
- Oh, God. - Miami, bachelorette party.
- It's pretty classic. - Mmm...
It's not cheating if it's with a prostitute. Technically.
- TOBEY: What? - What? Yes, it is.
Look, guys, we have to have realistic attitudes
about sexual exclusivity.
Whatever. It doesn't even matter, because...
I asked her if she still wanted to get married.
She screamed "no" and then she hung up!
So, guess what, guys,
there's no wedding for you to go to, so return your tuxes.
OTHERS: No!
- No. Hell, no. - Fine, keep your tuxes,
but my wedding's off.
It's not a shock, right?
I mean, buddy, I love you, you're one of my best friends,
but you're a six and she's a...
(TAKES BREATH) Twenty.
- Oh, my God. Oh, my God. - JOE: He can hear you.
Oh, I'm feeling... I'm feeling weak.
- I'm feeling dizzy, I'm... - Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
- Hey, hey, hey, hey. - Oh, my God.
I knew I shouldn't date out of my league, I knew it.
When she first asked me out, I thought it was a prank.
I could feel her pulling away, but I thought it was work.
- (BELCHES) I'm gonna be sick. - No, no, no.
- Give him some Madeira. - Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- Yeah. - Peter, that's it. Just take a sip.
- Chug-a-lug. Bup-bup-bup-bup. - Oh, I'll get you a soft cheese!
Yes!
FRANKIE: This is so stupid.
Yeah, but this way no one can definitively ID our face.
FRANKIE: Old people. Perfect.
Any brand is fine.
What's that on your face?
A detoxifying mud mask.
Look, we need a burner phone, okay?
- Here's some cash. - Again, a burner phone,
and you can find that behind the counter.
- MAN: Okay. We heard you. - Inside.
You baby boomers are so demanding.
WOMAN: I know.
- Jesus. Come on, Ma. - I'm sick and tired of this shit.
ALICE: I can't believe he's dead.
- And it's, like, all my fault. - No, no.
It really is a tragedy, you know?
He could have been a scientist that was gonna cure cancer or something.
- It's nice of you to say. - Yeah.
Guys, is he looking, like, straight at me?
- Oh, my God, he's... - Yeah. Yeah.
He's looking at me, right? (CRIES SOFTLY)
PIPPA: Mmm-hmm.
Hi, baby boy.
Mummy Hubbard's here.
She's gonna send you home.
Okay.
Sleep now.
- Oh, no. Jesus, no. No, no, no. - (JESS GAGS)
- Okay, why don't we... - I don't like it, I don't like it,
- I don't like it. - Guys, I got it.
- I got it. - JESS: I'm done.
- I'm done. - ALICE: There we go.
He looks good, right?
ALL: Totally.
- PIPPA: Oh, my God, Jess. (LAUGHS) - What?
Look at this ring.
It's even bigger in real life than it is on Skype.
- Yeah, he did a good job. - Oh.
You guys Skype?
- Yes. - Oh, do we?
Yes.
It's really nice to just sort of, you know, see the person
when you're talking to them.
- I didn't know that. - Yes.
You don't know Skype?
Skype is a free video calling app.
- You should... - No, I know what Skype is.
Jess, you said you couldn't remember your password.
Well, it is really hard to sign in.
(BARKING)
- Oh, shit! - Shit!
- Whose dog is that? - Go away! Go away!
- Go! Go, go. - MAN: Charlie? Here, boy!
- The owner is coming towards the house. - Oh, God.
No, no, no. You're being too loud.
I can speak to animals, we have a deep understanding,
- so I got this. - MAN: Charlie?
ALICE: Just go! JESS: Okay, be careful, though.
PIPPA: Okay. MAN: Here, boy!
Okay, Charlie. Come on.
- Come on, come on. - (VICIOUS GROWLING, LOUD CHOMP)
PIPPA: Aah! Ow! Aah! BOTH: Oh, shit!
- Ow. Ow. - (GROWLING)
- MAN: Charlie! - You stay. I'm bringing him to you.
This is impossible, anybody can see into the house from the beach.
- This is crazy. - I know.
If someone reports it before we do, we're dead.
Well, we just... We have to get the body out of sight, that's all.
- Yeah, okay. - All right.
- Okay. - ALICE: You all right?
- You all right? - Good.
Oh, my God, Pip, I can see all of his teeth marks.
That looks really bad.
No, no, no. This is...
That's not... I'm good.
Yeah, she's fine. Look at her in the eyes.
Okay? So let's just get the body out of sight,
and then we'll put him back before we call the cops. Yeah?
- Let's do it. Right? - Yes.
- Let's go! Okay! - Let's do it.
PIPPA: Hold the door. Hang on one sec.
ALICE: Got it. JESS: There's two steps here. Hold on.
- Yeah, we got it. Ow. - ALICE: Oh, there's two steps.
(LOUD CRASH)
PIPPA: Put him down. ALICE: That was me.
JESS: Can somebody turn the lights on?
- PIPPA: I'll get it. - Oh, there we go.
- That's better. - Oh, God!
Shit! Alice, cover the body!
Why? Why? Why?
JESS: Pippa, what did you do?
This is a poltergeist situation.
I'm not doing anything.
- All right. - There's got to be a fuse box.
- Oh, God. There is a taxi. - PIPPA: Oh, no, no.
There is a taxi right here.
No! No, no, no.
No, thank you.
- Cover the body. - Hide me. Hide me.
- Balls! - Jesus Christ.
Find a quilt. Find a fucking quilt.
- DRIVER: What the... - Jesus!
- Oh, no. My water broke! My water broke! - What?
No, no, I just peed.
- PIPPA: I have no control over this. - Pippa.
Close, you fuck.
- Here you go, sir. Thank you. - Thought I peed. I didn't pee.
- Thank you very much for the ride. - Thank you.
- Safe home! - What the fuck is going on in here?
We're starting a garage band. Do you guys play bass?
We're hiding a body. What do you think we're doing?
BLAIR: Stop saying "body" so many times.
- Alice, what the hell are you doing, man? - Sorry.
- Come on. - FRANKIE: God!
Lift him up with your legs. Lift with your legs.
JESS: I swear to God, he's getting heavier every time.
Just hold one second.
- There's two stairs up here. - No!
- I got it. - Let's take a break. Let's take a break.
Break, break, break.
- ALICE: No, no, no. - Okay.
- BLAIR: I am out of shape.
- PIPPA: Really good. - Quick question.
Why are we moving the dead stripper?
The whole house is made out of glass.
This is impossible. You can see in everywhere.
Where could we put him that he's not gonna be seen?
(SQUEAKING, CREAKING)
BLAIR: (ON PHONE) So, what do you think, Uncle Jack?
They could charge you with involuntary manslaughter,
but it's not that easy to prove.
- Ah, thank God. - Well, that's not bad.
- That's okay. - JACK: Just don't touch the body
- or the scene, and you'll be fine. - What?
Okay, so actually, we have already moved him
to a sex swing, Your Honor.
What?
I said, "Actually, we have already moved him to a sex swing, Your Honor."
I heard you.
You knowingly tampered with the scene,
which means you're guilty of accessory after the fact,
and they'll have a strong case for involuntary manslaughter.
Wait, what does that mean?
Up to 15 years in prison.
- What? - Fifteen?
- ALICE: Well, what can we do? - Are we on an open line here, girls?
- It's a burner phone. - Good.
Like I told Rob Lowe,
if there's no body, there's no case.
We can't just chop him up.
You know what? I'll just tell the cops it was just me.
No, we all moved the body.
It's a crime.
Well, yeah, but if we just, like, explain the situation...
FRANKIE: What are you talking about, "Explain"?
Last year, a guy in Tampa, he threatened to kill his wife,
so she fired a warning shot,
and she went to jail for 20 years.
This country should be burned to the ground!
Shit.
I was so close. Peter.
My career.
It's all over, just like that.
I'm gonna do real time.
Maybe life.
You guys are gonna get off with a few years.
I can't do any years. I'm in the middle of a custody battle.
- What? - What?
What?
Malcolm and I separated six months ago.
You didn't tell me.
Yeah, you've been a little preoccupied, Jess.
Why didn't you tell me?
I didn't need your judgment.
Blair, I would never judge you for something like that.
Oh, my God, my students.
They idolize me.
They think I'm, like, the best fucking adult
in the whole fucking world.
They'll turn to crime.
I can't go to jail.
I couldn't even make it through the first episode
of Orange Is the New Black.
(CRYING) None of us can.
(SNIFFLES) It's too soapy, right?
No, I meant none of us can go to jail. (SNIFFLES)
PIPPA: Wait, you guys.
Even if we don't get charged with this tampering with evidence thing,
we don't know who this man is.
His family could come seek revenge.
He could be part of a cartel that's gonna cut off our toes
and stick them up our bums.
BLAIR: She's right.
We'll have to look over our shoulders for the rest of our lives.
He did say that
it would be hard to convict
with no body.
I mean, it was an accident.
And he's not part of an escort company, you know?
So I don't think anybody knows he's here.
Mmm-hmm.
We got to get rid of him.
- We gotta, right? - Yeah.
- We do. - We have to.
- I mean, we don't want to. - No, of course we don't want to.
We didn't want to kill him.
- We have no other option. - But we have to.
- Of course we have to. - Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Must.
(LINE RINGING)
ON VOICE MAIL: Hey, it's Blair. Don't leave a message.
Okay. That's it. None of them are picking up.
That means something really bad happened.
Dude, this is, like, the third girlfriend that's cheated on you.
What is that? What's going on, buddy?
Does your dick bend weird when it gets hard?
No.
- All right. - JAKE: Doesn't matter.
Let's get you on Tinder right now, so you can start on a rebound.
- No, I don't want to be on Tinder, okay? - PATRICK: Come on.
You've gotten over other girls, you can get over her.
Yeah, this isn't some girl, this is Jess. I'm not gonna get over her, you know?
And I don't want to get over her.
Then, this time, do something about it, Peter.
(TOBEY SCOFFS)
You're right.
You're right, I got to go to Miami, and I got to win her back.
- Yes, dude. Yes. Awesome. - Okay, okay.
The first flight out of Charleston gets in at 1Ø:Ø0 a.m. tomorrow morning.
TOBEY: No. JOE: Oh. There is a train
that gets there tomorrow afternoon and there's room in the quiet car.
Not quick enough. You got to sad astronaut.
- What? - Huh?
He has to sad astronaut.
- Okay, what is that? - JAKE: That's nothing to me.
- Sad astronaut? - TOBEY: That news story?
Okay. (EXHALES)
Lisa Marie Nowak was an astronaut.
And she was in love with another astronaut named Will.
Now, Will cheated on Lisa with some hottie Air Force captain.
Lisa found out and was pissed.
So, Lisa decided to deal with it.
Once and for all. And she got a bunch of adult diapers,
so she wouldn't have to piss on the way,
and she drove straight from Houston to Orlando
to, like, kidnap the Air Force... It's... The story gets dark quick.
Point is, she used that crazy astrophysicist brain
to find the quickest way to Florida.
- You... You want to get Jess back, right? - Yeah.
Then you got to sad astronaut, bro.
Let's get some diapers.
MAN: (RAPPING) La-da-da-da-dah
It's the motherfuckin' D-O-double-G
Snoop Dogg!
La-da-da-da-dah, you know I'm mobbin'
With the D-R-E
Yeah, yeah, yeah, you know who's back
Up in this motherfucker?
What, what, what, what...
Not this brand! These leak!
♪♪
La-da-da-da-dah
It's the motherfuckin' D-R-E
- Dr. Dre, motherfucker - What, what, what, what
La-da-da-da-dah
You know I'm mobbin' with the D-O-double-G
Straight off the fuckin' streets of C-P-T
King of the beats, you ride to 'em
- In your Fleet - Fleetwood
Or Coupe de Ville rollin' on dubs
How you feel? Whoopty-whoop, nigga, what?
It's the next episode
(OTHERS GRUNTING)
JESS: Jesus Christ. ALICE: It's not that bad.
- I think it's the body on top. - (OTHERS GRUNTING)
- Okay, okay, okay, okay. - Okay.
Okay, wait, does anyone know how to actually drive this thing, or...
PIPPA: I could do it.
I, uh, I took one to school every day growing up, so, I feel pretty confident.
- Great. - Perfect.
LEA: Hello! JESS: Oh, shit.
- Hello! - FRANKIE: Oh, my gosh. Shit!
- The neighbors! - Get him off. Get him off.
Okay, oh, my God, oh, my God, what do we do?
- No, no... Okay. All right. - JESS: No, no!
(LAUGHING)
- So happy to see you. - Okay, uh...
- Nope. - Dang.
We hoped you were skinny-dipping.
- No. (LAUGHING) - No.
- Nope. - Okay.
- My, my. - What do we have here?
FRANKIE: Oh.
WOMEN: Oh. BLAIR: Oh, wow.
Um, you know, I think they just wanted to make love in international waters.
- PIETRO: Ah, yeah. - Maybe they need our help.
Uh, no. I think we should probably let them do their thing, you know?
So, let's just...
Well, this certainly gets me in the mood.
- JESS: Hey, Blair. - Oh. Uh-huh?
- You need a tampon? - Um, maybe. (LAUGHS)
We just opened a bottle of Chateauneuf Du Pape,
and we're listening to some remastered Fleetwood Mac.
- Oh, that's so nice. - Oh! It is so good,
you could hear the cocaine in Stevie's voice.
- I bet. - We'd love for you to join us.
- Oh, that's so sweet. - Um, no pressure.
Unless it's asked for.
(LAUGHS) Okay.
I am fully exhausted.
- So tired, you know? - Oh, understood.
We're fluent in body language.
Oh, I bet you are.
(SPEAKING SPANISH)
- Goodnight. - Goodnight.
ALICE: All right.
- (BLAIR LAUGHS) - (THUDS)
- Oh, God. - Oh, my God.
- Pippa. They're gone. Pippa. - They're moving out.
- What is going on there? - Pippa!
- What?
Oh, my God. Wow.
Yeah. Okay.
(EXHALES)
- Sorry. - ALICE: Wow, dude.
- Let's dump him, yeah? - ALICE: Yeah, let's dump him.
PIPPA: Let's do the dump.
(QUIET GRUNTING)
- Oof. - Okay, Spanish language CDs.
Uh, if Jess hooked up with a Spanish speaker,
- you're gonna want to reason with him. - Gracias.
Oh, um, and I got this generic Russian Adderall.
My little brother ordered it online.
It will help you focus.
It's super strong, but it is expired, so...
- Thank you so much. - Hey.
- I love you. - I love you, too, dude.
- Get her back. - Thanks.
- Mmm... - (LIQUID SPLATTERING)
You are peeing.
I'm so scared.
I feel like we should say something.
FRANKIE: Yeah. BLAIR: Yeah. Good idea.
We're really sorry.
You deserved better.
BLAIR: Mmm. FRANKIE AND ALICE: Yeah.
There's nothing we could do to bring you back, but...
We promise to spend the rest of our lives trying to be better people.
- We owe that to you. - ALICE: Mmm-hmm.
God, we're so sorry.
So sorry.
So sorry, man.
We suck.
(SIGHING, SNIFFLING)
Okay, you can dump him now!
Aye aye, Captain.
(STARTS ENGINE)
This never happened. Right?
- Nope. - It... It happened.
Right?
- No, we're not gonna talk about it. - Oh, got it, got it.
Okay, bye. (GRUNTS)
BLAIR: Oh. JESS: Whoa.
That could have been more delicate, huh?
(ENGINE ROARING)
She's going really fast.
I did it!
- Oh, my God, what the fuck is she doing? - What is she doing?
- (YELLS) - BLAIR: Holy shit!
ALICE: Oh, my God! JESS: Are you okay?
- I'm good. I'm really good. - (NECK CRACKS)
Are you sure, 'cause you landed right on your neck.
Yeah, I just did a sort of straight shot, landed on the neck...
- (CRACK) - ...snap, and we're back up.
- It was good. - What happened?
I thought you knew how to drive those things.
Yeah, no, I definitely do, but, um, I think the gas and the brake are different
- in Australia, so I got confused. - (CRACK)
- How are you alive right now? - I don't know.
But I'll take it.
(LAUGHING)
Well, body dumped, girl's alive.
- What's next? - We should get the fuck out of here.
- Great idea. - Yeah, I like that.
JESS: Let's do that. BLAIR: You sure you're okay?
Guys?
She should probably get a CAT scan.
PIPPA: Okay.
She's fine.
- (WOMEN GRUNTING) - (WHEELS SQUEAKING)
- Is there any more pizza left? - I don't think so.
No!
Jesus, dude, we can order more.
No, not that. That!
BLAIR: What? ALICE: The sexy neighbors!
- Oh... - They have footage of us dumping the body.
We should just turn ourselves in, right?
- We're fucked. - No.
We got rid of the body. We just have to get rid of the footage, that's all.
- Right? - ALICE: Yes.
- Yep. Yep. - Yeah, okay.
- Yes. - Well, how?
FRANKIE: Um...
No.
Absolutely not.
Thank you. Oh.
WOMAN: (SINGING) Make love to me
(CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY)
BLAIR: Mmm.
Your house is so, um...
- Funky. - Thank you.
You should see our panic room.
(LAUGHING)
(CHUCKLES)
Mmm.
May I?
Uh-huh. Mmm-hmm.
(GASPS)
It's happening. God, you make me red-hot.
(BOTH MOAN)
(ALL MOANING)
(LAUGHS) You know what would be really, really sexy?
Please tell me.
If we got this on tape.
Oh, you naughty girl.
BLAIR: Mmm-hmm. LEA: Ooh.
BLAIR: Oh! (LAUGHS)
Actually, I noticed that you guys have these cameras outside and it's always been
a fantasy of mine to get caught on a security camera, so...
Mesdemoiselles?
Oh, okay. Okay.
(LEA GIGGLES)
(WHISPERS) Thank you.
(PIETRO AND LEA MOANING)
WOMAN: (SINGING) It's all I can do to see this through
(NERVOUS CHUCKLING)
See it through
Okay.
It's all that I want
- Oh, okay. Yeah. - Is it okay that we're watching this?
Yeah, we're watching for Blair. You know, for her safety. We're monitoring.
- Man, Blair looks great. - Yeah, she looks great.
- LEA: You ready? - Uh...
- Yeah, think so. - All right.
(CHUCKLES)
- Oh! (GASPING, LAUGHING) - Relax.
- Oh! - I've got you.
- BLAIR: Holy shit! - Oh, my...
- Interesting. - She's showing off. To me.
- BLAIR: Yes! Yes! - (LAUGHS) Whoa.
Give me those. Give me those.
- Oh... - (HORN HONKS)
Sadness, look at us now
- (SLURPS) - (CLATTERS)
The best of me, sadness
(LINE RINGING)
ON VOICE MAIL: Hey, it's Jess. Leave a message.
Jess, it's Peter.
How are you? Um...
Just calling again. Okay. (CHUCKLES) Oh, man.
What a story this'll be, huh?
For the grand kids. If we get married.
Um, do me a favor, call me back. Let me know you're okay.
Got burned but I learned it was all for the better
I love you so much. Please call me. Bye.
Back together, never thought I could take all the wrongs
And turn them to right
Tonight
Sadness, look at us now
(LINE RINGING)
ON VOICE MAIL: Hey, it's Jess. Leave a message.
- (BEEPS) - Jess!
BLAIR: Yes!
- (PANTING) - (MOANING)
(CHUCKLES)
- (PANTING) - (WHOOPS)
- (EXHALES) Ho! - Oh.
Um, I would love a copy of the tape, you know,
for, like, jerking off later, whatever.
Me, too. What's the tape?
The tape. The, uh... The naughty tape we just made.
You know, the DVD or the...
You know, from the cameras.
- Oh. (SCOFFS) Those don't work. - (CHUCKLES)
- Excuse me, what? - Yeah, they don't work, like she said.
But we know that's not what this was about.
Right? This was fantasy fulfillment.
- Creating a mise en scène. - I'm sorry. Why, um...
Why would someone have security cameras that don't work?
They didn't charge us for the first three months.
After that, we didn't want to pay for the service.
LEA: You know, they keep out the riffraff.
You'll just have to jerk off as the Italians do.
- To your memories. - Mmm.
Wait, so, Blair, so there's no footage?
- (URINATING) - No.
- Ah! - Oh, my gosh. So we're in the clear!
- (LAUGHING) - That is... That's great.
- Yeah. - BLAIR: She was so intuitive.
She was inside me.
And then she was outside me.
And then she was me.
- So, we're good. - Almost, except I probably have HPV now.
Whatever. We all have HPV.
Oh, uh, I mean, I don't have HPV.
Alice, they say if you had sex after the year 1991, you have HPV.
Then, I mean, I definitely have HPV then.
I have, like, clumps and clumps of it.
Cool. Uh, let's clean up and get the hell out of here.
- Okay. - Whatcha, whatcha gon' do?
I call it housework
'Cause it's light work
- Whatcha, whatcha gon' do? - I'm-a throw shapes
Feeling the bass till my feet hurt
I call it housework, 'cause it's light work
- Whatcha, whatcha gon' do? - But I'm-a throw shade
If I don't get paid for this housework
Would you come along
Oh, with my friends
And to leave, I'm working
- Every weekend - Housework
Wow.
- Okay. - Looks pretty good.
- We did good. - Got it.
- Yes. Nice. High five, everyone. - Lovely.
Whatcha gon' do, gon' do?
(WOMAN SPEAKING SPANISH ON TAPE)
(SPEAKING SPANISH)
WOMAN: (ON TAPE) This child is not my son.
(SIREN WAILING)
(WOMAN SPEAKING SPANISH ON TAPE)
- (SIREN WHOOPING) - No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
(WOMAN SPEAKING SPANISH ON TAPE)
PETER: Shit. My pants.
- (GROANS) - (CLATTERING)
(SINGSONGY) I don't have time for this.
Good evening, Officer.
How can I be of service to you?
- Sir, you been drinking? - Absolutely not.
I did do a wine tasting earlier this evening, Italian reds mostly,
but you don't really drink it, you mostly spit.
You take sips and you spit into a bucket.
What the... All right, sir, I'm gonna ask you to get out of the vehicle.
- No. - Now!
- Officer... - Now!
Hands. Move slow.
(CLATTERING)
Officer, I can explain.
She's a 20!
ALICE: Okay, before we go,
we got to do human friendtipede, yeah?
- What? - Alice.
- No way. - ALICE: Yes.
- It's tradition. - Alice, quick "Q."
What is a human friendtipede?
It's a photo we always take that's like the movie Human Centipede.
Where they're sewn together, mouth to anus, but it's with friends,
- so it's special. - Come on now, Alice.
- I don't know about that. - I feel like not the appropriate...
Guys, if I don't post a ton of pictures from this weekend,
it's gonna look suspicious.
Like we killed someone.
(SIGHS) Okay. I can't believe I'm saying this,
but I think we should do the human friendtipede.
- Yes! - But we cannot photograph the crime scene.
(CHUCKLES) Okay. I get the middle.
(GROANS) Why do you want the middle?
Okay. Oh, my God, amazoir.
Say "friendtipede."
ALL: Friendtipede!
(GASPS) Cute.
(LAUGHS) Yes!
- Let's see it. - It's ridiculous.
(ALICE SCREAMS)
- Alice, stop. You look really pretty. - No, look!
(GASPING)
- Oh, my God. - No! Come on! No!
- Oh, shit! Damn it! - Is that our guy?
(JESS GROANING)
- Are you kidding me? - Oh, shit!
Oh, my God, oh, my God!
(GRUNTING) God, I thought you weighed him down.
I did. I put rocks in his pockets. I guess his pants fell off.
Men need to wear belts.
Yeah. How dare they not sink when we murder them.
Z, Y, X, W, V, U, T, S, R, Q, P, O,
N, M, L, K, J, I, H, G, F, E, D, C, B, A.
(GRUNTING)
(EXHALING)
Okay.
(EXHALES)
(WAVERING SCOFFS)
Did you see that?
- You only had to walk a straight line. - I know. I just followed my body.
- Are you a dancer or... - No.
I've never done anything like that before in my life.
I still got to give you a speeding ticket.
Please. That's great.
Slow down.
- Thank you, Officer. - I almost shot you.
(CHUCKLES) I know. That was nuts. Also, don't shoot anybody.
(GROANING)
We can't get rid of his body in broad daylight, you guys.
We have to think of something. Come on.
- (SIGHS) - Ideas?
- (SNORING) - Kiwi! You up?
Yeah. Yeah.
- We need everyone's brain on this, so... - Yeah. Yeah. Okay.
So, um, here's what I'm gonna do.
I'm gonna go to the beach
and do a bit of mindful meditation.
And, um, when I come back,
I'm gonna have a be-genius idea.
Yeah? All right.
(YAWNS) We got it.
(GASPS) We're never gonna get rid of his body.
He's gonna follow us around for the rest of our lives.
BLAIR: Oh, God. FRANKIE: Oh, no.
- (LOUD POUNDING) - MAN: Police!
- Shit. - Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
Do you think the neighbors called them? Maybe they got suspicious.
- Oh, my God. - Police! Open up! Now!
Women, this is my world. I will handle this. I got you.
Turn out the lights and hide.
(POUNDING CONTINUES)
(MIMICS GUN COCKING, BLOWS)
(HIGH-PITCHED) Oh, good evening, Officer. (CHUCKLES)
Step aside, miss.
What's this all about?
Put your hands where I can see them.
(NORMAL VOICE) Officer, I am cooperating. You see? Hello.
Get your hands against the wall.
- I am not... - Get your hands against the wall!
FRANKIE: I am taking a passive stance.
My body is limp for you!
Spread them.
(FRANKIE WHIMPERING)
What are you doing? No.
No! No!
(GRUNTING)
- Fuck! - Jesus!
- Frankie! Frankie! - Oh, my God.
Now we have a dead guy and an unconscious cop?
- What is wrong with you? - Are you kidding me?
He's obviously a rape cop. This is what they do!
When they have dirt on you, they sexually assault you,
knowing you won't report it.
- Daniel Holtzclaw, Oklahoma City? - Who?
He sexually assaulted eight women.
Like Matt Dillon in Crash.
- Oh, my God, that was horrendous. - What a nightmare.
Information is power, guys. I mean it. I mean it.
Okay, chill out. You're from Brentwood,
and your dad used to be John Mayer's accountant.
Okay. "You are not your father's daughters but mothers unto your own."
Wait, is that John Mayer?
It's Malcolm X.
- Pretty sure it's John Mayer. - (SINGING) Fathers, fathers
Okay, you guys, you guys, we have to move this guy
before the neighbors return to eat Blair out again.
- (GROANS) - I'd be fine with that.
- All right. - Fuck.
All right, one, two, three.
(ALL GASP)
Uh...
Frankie, how many strippers did you order?
Just the one.
Then who's this guy?
- Let me see his dick real quick. - Good call.
- Wait, what? - The stripper I ordered had a dick pic
in his ad. No face.
- But I can ID him by his member. - Cool. Okay.
(SIGHS)
I'm not sure.
He had a boner in his ad.
This one's soft.
I can get it hard. Let's go, feet.
- What? No. No, no, no, no. - Stop. No, wait. Stop, please.
(SIGHS)
(ELASTIC SNAPS)
Okay, yes. This is the stripper I ordered.
This is Scotty with the Body.
Then who did we kill?
- (WOMAN SPEAKING SPANISH ON TAPE) - (TIRES SCREECHING)
(BEEPS)
(RINGTONE PLAYS)
- Hello? - AUTOMATED VOICE: This is Banknorth.
We have detected unusual activity on your account.
If you have attempted a purchase at
Quickie Stop in Port St. Lucie, please press one.
(BEEPS)
Thank you for pressing two.
Your card has been suspended due to unusual activity.
No. No.
(SIGHS)
Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
(SIGHS)
(GROANS)
BLAIR: How's that? ALICE: Yeah, that's good.
If you're looking for our cell phones, I locked them in this drawer
and I'm not gonna open it, okay?
Please let me at least text Peter. I feel like he's totally freaking out right now.
FRANKIE: Not until everything is sorted out.
We made a plan.
Um, Alice.
- What's up, dude? What are you doing? - What?
Oh, I'm just making sure nothing's broken.
I think he's fine.
Yeah, he's really fine.
- Jesus. - BLAIR: Oh, my God.
You need to masturbate more. You're, like, severely horny.
(SIGHS) I know. I just don't like to do it in front of my cockatiel.
She's very smart.
- Why don't you put her in a cage? - She is in a cage.
But I'm loud. I'm a screamer.
- I remember. - Oh, yeah, I forgot about that.
And it kind of sounds like her.
So she thinks I'm talking to her.
I'm like, "No, I'm just fucking touching myself."
- Like, "Back off." - Mmm-hmm. Mmm-hmm.
Cool, so back to our life-changing emergency?
- (DISGUSTED GROANS) - Okay, the stripper's here, he's alive.
- That's good. Right? - JESS: Yeah.
Um, there is still a dead guy in the closet, so...
- Who is that guy? - BLAIR: We could get rid
of him if we just had a car, you know?
Oh, my God. How did this guy get here?
(BLAIR GASPS)
FRANKIE: Oh, yeah.
That'll work.
- Thank God! - BLAIR: Will it?
All right, we're gonna drive to the alligator bog, dump the body.
We're gonna return the Smart car,
wake up the G-string guy, tell him he hit his head really hard.
- Blair's gonna give him a ton of cash. - Wait, what?
- And then we're home free. - I love it. Yeah.
♪♪
ALICE: Alligator bog.
GPS VOICE: You will arrive at your destination in 45 minutes.
MAN: (SINGING) I'm a hustler, baby
(QUIETLY) Yeah.
That's what my daddy's made me
Can I do your... Do you mind if I do your thing?
(LAUGHTER)
Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha.
Don't litter.
Yeah, I'm a hustler, baby
That's what my daddy's made me
♪♪
All right.
Hey, thanks a lot, man.
- For you. - Thank you so much.
So, I got meth.
You looking? 4Ø bucks.
No, thank you so much. I just need gas money.
Hey, listen, do you want to suck my dick for 15 bucks?
- No. Thank you. - Okay.
Good luck, man.
Thanks, man.
♪♪
(WHISTLING A TUNE)
GPS VOICE: You will arrive in 25 minutes.
BLAIR: (SCOFFS) This is so uncomfortable.
I mean, does this thing go any faster?
BLAIR: Wait! JESS: No, no, no, no, no, no, no!
(GASPING, SCREAMING)
(GASPING BREATHS, WHIMPERING)
So it does go faster?
Mmm-hmm.
♪♪
(SIGHS)
- Hi, sir. May I... - Whoa! Get the fuck away from my car.
- Okay. Sorry, sorry, sorry. - God.
Let me suck your dick real fast.
What?
- Please? - No. What is with this place?
Okay, listen...
Do you have any meth?
I'm a hustler, baby
- I could sell you meth, yeah. Um... - Really?
- 8Ø bucks. - 8Ø, uh, dollars...
There you go.
♪♪
- (ELECTRONIC CHIMING) - CLIFF: Do-do-do-do
- Hey, man. - Hey.
- (WHISPERS) Um, I want to buy some meth. - (GASPS) Oh!
Only thing is, though,
you got to do a little bump, though, so I know that you're not a cop.
No, man. Please. I'm not a cop.
You want the meth or not?
Okay.
- Yay! Here we go. - (SNIFFS)
- And one for Papa Bear. - It burns. All right.
40 bucks. Not a cop. Come on.
- (QUIETLY) Yes. Great. Thank you. - You're welcome.
So, uh, still a no-go on the BJ, or...
No, I'm good. Thanks.
That's fine.
Actually,
there's somebody I want to introduce you to.
- Right on! - Very nice to meet you.
- Good to meet you, too. - This is so perfect.
- Yeah, go. Please, go. - Okay. Okay.
You got to do it, man. That's true love.
♪♪
Guys, I fell asleep.
I fell asleep.
I had this nightmare where we had all killed a guy.
- That is a reality. - No, we killed somebody.
What? No!
Oh, my God! Jet lag is insane, you guys.
It's no joke!
No joke!
Damn it!
Did you happen to come up with a be-genius idea out there?
Yeah, I did, actually.
In my dream, I remembered that there was this guy in Australia
who cooked his girlfriend and ate her.
- Kiwi. - I can't 'cause I am vegan.
- But... - Kiwi.
JESS: Oh, God, I'm so tired.
We should turn ourselves in. We're guilty.
No, we are innocent, because this was an accident, you guys.
Stop saying that.
Maybe if you hadn't been lethally horny, we wouldn't be in this mess.
I was coked up because you bought us drugs.
I didn't force you to do the drugs, Alice.
And you know what, nobody's talking about how it was
Blair's idea to get a stripper in the first place.
Yeah, but you're never to blame, right?
"Look at me, I'm Frankie. I live in a storage unit.
- "I'm saving the world." - You know what?
You act like everybody's so stupid for not being a merciless asshole like you.
- I'm the asshole? - I mean, you're both kind of assholes.
- Stay out of this. - Seriously.
Maybe you're the asshole, Alice.
Oh, shit.
Excuse me, bitch?
(LAUGHS)
I'm a fucking sweetheart.
Well, then why do you insist on calling me Kiwi
even though I told you it was culturally insensitive?
And why did you feel the need to reach over and try to undo my seat belt
in the taxicab on the way here?
- Jesus Christ. - ALICE: Yeah.
That's an American bit.
We do it as a joke. Okay? We all do it. Right?
(MUTTERING) Come on, say it.
- Alice! - Oh, my God, stop it, please.
It's bad enough without you two going at it.
And I thought your bridal shower was a nightmare.
What are you talking about? She didn't have a bridal shower.
No, she didn't.
You had a bridal shower?
(SIGHS) Well, not really. I mean...
It was, like, work friends. It wasn't a big deal.
But Blair went?
It wasn't even open bar.
What? It wasn't.
How could you not invite me?
Alice, please. Please, can we drop it?
Please. I'm telling you, it was just... It was for Peter's family.
- It wasn't a big deal, man. - Oh, Peter.
He is so annoying.
And I know why he doesn't like me.
'Cause he's, like, so freaking jealous.
Peter is not jealous of you.
Well, then, why would you not invite your best friend to your bridal shower?
- Oh, my God, you really want to know why? - Yes! I do!
Because I knew that if I invited you,
you wouldn't let me talk to anybody else. That's why.
Okay? You monopolize my time
and then you make me feel guilty
about not spending time with you. How can I win?
Are you kidding me?
I do not monopolize your time, Jess!
I just try to make the most of it,
'cause you don't even make an effort to see me anymore.
- That's not true! - It is true.
It is.
I'm sorry, but you are always at work,
or you're making plans with Peter.
Or you're (AUSTRALIAN ACCENT) Skyping with other people.
I can't do your stupid fucking accent.
- No, you can't. - JESS: Yes, yes.
We're not in college anymore, and things do change.
The only thing that's changed is you.
You've become obsessed
with your perfect new life and your campaign and you ditched me.
Oh, I am sorry that I don't want to talk about
the time that we got drunk
at O'Flaherty's 1Ø years ago!
Well, you know what?
I guess I never should have planned such a nice weekend for you.
You know, you... God, you are so ungrateful.
- Did you just say I was ungrateful? - Yes!
You're an ungrateful person.
You didn't plan this weekend for me.
You planned this weekend for yourself,
so that you could post a bunch of photos
and not make your life seem so sad!
♪♪
I'm sorry, Jess.
Uh...
I'll leave you...
I'll leave you alone from now on.
Alice.
(EXHALES)
Jess, that was really harsh.
Oh, my God, I can't. I can't with the guilt. Please.
I can't with any of this anymore.
Jess, come on, dude.
No. All we have done all night is make this situation worse, okay?
We are turning ourselves in and that's the end. (SNIFFLES)
Now, I'm going upstairs to wipe this shit off my face,
so I can at least look cute for my mug shot.
(CRYING) And self-waxing is not weird.
I don't appreciate your body-hair-removal shaming.
Shame on you! And you!
You've been fine.
(QUIET BEEPING)
Did you hear that? What is that?
(BEEPING CONTINUES)
- What is that? - Where is it?
Where's it coming from?
- PIPPA: Not these pillows. - Aw, fuck. No.
(BEEPING CONTINUES)
(GASPS) Fuck, it's his phone.
- Someone is looking for this guy. - PIPPA: Oh, my God.
- Turn it off. - I'm trying!
- What's going on? - BLAIR: Stop! Oh, my God.
Someone is trying to track the stripper's phone and it looks like they're...
(DOORBELL RINGS)
Here.
- Hello? - Miami PD.
Have you seen this man?
(WHISPERS) Oh, shit.
RUIZ: We tracked his phone to this house.
We know he's in there.
It's over.
The jig is up.
Hey.
He's dead.
(INTRO TO MARILYN MANSON'S THE BEAUTIFUL PEOPLE PLAYING)
♪♪
And I don't want ya
- And I don't need ya - (LOWERS VOLUME)
(HEART BEATING)
- (TURNS VOLUME UP HIGH) - Hey, you, what do ya see?
Something beautiful
Or something free?
RUIZ: You ladies are lucky.
This man is very dangerous.
This guy robbed a jewelry store and killed a security guard.
- Lot of people looking for him. - ALICE: Oh, my God. What?
Mmm-hmm. Yeah. He was on the run.
Probably came here looking for cover.
Sir, I'm... I'm sorry.
Um, foreigner here. Just sort of want to be clear on the local law.
So, are we
sort of, like, no longer in trouble?
(SMACKS LIPS)
Sounds like self-defense to me, right?
FRAZIER: Oh, yeah, no, DA's not gonna want to
press any charges on something like this. You're good.
- Oh, my God. - No, you're kidding.
- (SQUEALING) Oh, my God! - Are you shitting me?
Oh, my God!
- Oh, my God! - Oh, my God!
(HAPPY SHOUTING, CHATTER, LAUGHTER)
We're heroes! We're heroes. We're American heroes.
- PIPPA: Thank you, universe. - Jesus!
(CHATTER, SHOUTING, LAUGHING CONTINUE)
- (PIPPA SINGING) - We killed a guy! And it was right!
We were right to kill him!
- (PIPPA CONTINUES SINGING) - Fuck, yeah!
(SHOWER RUNNING)
Jess.
Hey, Jess. We're not going to jail.
I still might be, for unrelated things, but you're not, you're safe.
Jess?
You should've seen us at the beginning. We were like Squabble City.
We didn't like each other.
Now I can't get her away from me. And I don't want to.
Did he happen to mention the diamonds?
Um, no, I think I would have remembered that.
He didn't say much of anything.
Ladies, it's... It's really important that you try to remember any details.
He was cis male.
Looked like he could, like, wash his car as a hobby activity.
RUIZ: Okay. ALICE: Oh, and he did have
this, like, deep "V."
Sort of like two large snakes pointing down to a penis.
This is a big house.
Any place he might've been able to stash something?
Well, we did clean the entire house and never came across his coat or phone,
so it's definitely a possibility.
Tampon!
- What? - PIPPA: Blair.
- What? - I need a tampon.
I thought you use David cups. (CHUCKLES)
- Yeah. - No, never.
Fuck off. Only tampons, the best of tampons!
You took them from us.
- What? - And locked them in there,
- and you have the key. - What are you talking about?
I didn't lock away our tampons. I locked away our...
Uh... (CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY)
Are we on the same page, Blair?
- Yes. - (WHISTLES) Yo, yo.
Lady, you want to get your friend a tampon or whatever?
Okay. One tampon coming up.
Okay...
Just be right back with that. (CHUCKLES)
Well, I'm not on my period.
It's good to know. Thanks.
Key.
- Shit. Shit. - (SOFT GROANING)
Shh...
(SCREAMING)
Quiet, be quiet, be quiet.
- I just need to get my phone, okay? - (SCREAMS)
- What the fuck is that? - What's that?
Nothing. It's... I don't know.
- What the fuck was that? - This guy, it's another thing.
- There's more people here? - FRANKIE: The real stripper.
- Yeah. That's the real stripper in there. - The actual guy...
- I just need to get to my phone. - Get back! Get back!
- I will not be your drug mule! - What? Shh! Stop. Stop. Stop.
- You better get back. Yeah. - Stop. Shh!
Breaking news and some updated information for everybody.
These assailants are armed and they're dangerous.
PIPPA: No, it's nothing, that's...
So if you're inside your home,
make sure your windows and your doors are locked.
- Hey, Blondie! Come here! - No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
- Shh. - (GASPING)
- Oh, the tampon. - Yeah, I know.
That's what I was... I was using the code.
- I just want to get my real estate license! - Shut up.
- Freeze! - (SCREAMS)
Shut the fuck up! Don't move!
What the hell's going on here? Come on. Let's go, move it. Let's go, tough guy.
Everyone in America really does have a gun!
FRAZIER: Let's go! Come on. You, too. Move it.
- Oh, my God. - RUIZ: Playtime's over.
- We want those fucking diamonds now. - FRANKIE: Look.
I know you're mad at the 1%.
- I am, too. - What? Shut up!
- Tie them up now. - Let's go!
(GROANING)
(SIGHS)
♪♪
(SIGHS HEAVILY)
ALICE: Jess,
when I was growing up, I didn't really have many friends.
And when I left for college, my mom was worried about me.
And so was I.
But then we met, and the first night we went out,
you didn't introduce me to people as your roommate,
you introduced me as your friend.
And I knew everything was gonna be okay.
When I went home that summer
and I showed my mom the photos of us hanging out,
she was so happy.
She doesn't always recognize me anymore, but when I show her those old photos,
she says to me, "That's my daughter with all her friends."
That's how she remembers me.
Thanks to you.
I can't wait to show her all the photos from this weekend.
You were there for me, and I will always be here for you.
Love, Alice.
P. S. There are some wet wipes in here, because I ordered an ice cream cake
and I know you have issues with dairy.
Smiliest face.
(RUIZ SHOUTING INDISTINCTLY)
RUIZ: Come here. Let's go. Come here. SCOTTY: They found me on Craigslist.
I'm not even with them!
FRAZIER: God damn it.
(QUIETLY) Oh, shit.
FRAZIER: Jay double-crossed us,
and he took off with our score.
So, tell me,
- where'd he put it? - I told you, we don't know.
Sir, I could wire you $50,00Ø right now if you just let us go, okay?
Whoa, whoa, whoa. 5Ø, Ø00 what?
There's over $2 million worth of diamonds in this house,
and I am going to find them.
- You shoot anyone who moves. - (BLAIR CRYING)
- Oh, my God. - SCOTTY: Please.
(SCOTTY CRYING)
(WOMEN SOBBING)
(PANTING)
(BOTTLE CLATTERS TO FLOOR AND ROLLS)
Fuck!
Damn it! Fuck!
Don't make a fucking sound or I will kill you.
What?
Handcuff yourself to the sink.
- Fuck you. - Now.
(PANTING) Okay. Okay.
(HANDCUFFS CLICKING)
♪♪
What the fuck?
No... (MUFFLED SHOUTING)
RUIZ: You don't know anything, huh? Well, that smells like bullshit.
Hurry up, man!
Do I look stupid to you?
You expect me to believe that you killed Jay by accident?
That's a bad accident. (CHUCKLES)
It's a big fucking accident.
(GASPING BREATHS)
RUIZ: I am about to lose my fucking shit.
Jay's dead, and you expect me to believe
that you guys don't know anything? Hmm?
New plan. You're gonna watch each other die,
until one of you opens your fucking mouth!
- And I'm gonna start with you. - No!
- ALICE: Oh, God. - I love you, Frankie.
FRANKIE: I love you, too.
(OTHERS GASPING)
ALL: Jess! Jess!
Yes!
(OVERLAPPING SHOUTING)
- Not her beautiful face! - Come on, Jess!
(JESS GRUNTS)
(PANTING)
Whoa.
- You perv! - Come on.
No, hey, hey, hey!
- (FIERCE GRUNTING) - Ow! Ow!
You guys! The gun!
Shimmy. Shimmy, shimmy, shimmy, shimmy.
Okay. Okay.
(GRUNTS, GROANS)
- Right there. - PIPPA: Okay. Yeah.
- One. - FRANKIE: Two.
- Three! - PIPPA: Okay.
Oh, God. Squat.
ALICE: Oh, God. Oh, God. BLAIR: Do you have it?
ALICE: Yes.
(GROANS)
Point me in his direction.
I don't have a shot! Your leg is in the way!
- No, no. Please. - Up!
JESS: No, please.
- (GROANS) - (GASPS)
I shot a guy!
- SCOTTY: Yes! - I killed another person.
You fucking...
- (CHEERING) - ALL: Yes!
Oh, my God, you guys!
That was awesome.
- Alice, I'm so sorry. - No, I'm sorry.
No. I said things that I didn't mean.
I think it was just the stress of killing somebody
and then trying to dispose of his body.
- Wait, what? - ALICE: Totally.
- That's a hard thing. - Yeah, you're right.
I have changed.
I thought that I was making people's lives better,
but I forgot about the people that make my life better, and that's you guys.
- And I love you, and I'm sorry. - FRANKIE: We love you, too.
- We love you, too. - We love you.
- We love you, Jess! - ALICE: I'm sorry, too.
And you know what? I know that I'm a lot.
And you were right, I need to stop living in the past
- and get a hobby, you know? - Well, it could help, right?
Next time we see each other, we can make new memories
instead of just talking about the old ones.
Um, these zip ties are really starting to hurt.
And I'm sorry about Peter, okay?
He does not suck. You should totally marry him.
- Well, I will. - Good. You should.
I mean, I had a sex dream about him, and I didn't even tell you.
No, you actually did tell me.
- You told everybody. - You started a group text.
It started with him brushing my hair...
You know what? I'm gonna untie you guys now.
- Awesome. - Yeah. Okay, great.
- Here, give me the gun. - It was morning...
- FRAZIER: Drop the gun! - (ALL GASP)
- Drop it. - Damn it.
The keys were taped to the handcuffs, you fucking idiot.
You're all dead. All of you.
- No. No, Jess. - FRAZIER: Yeah.
- Oh, really? Come on. Whatever. - (HAMMER COCKS)
(ALL SCREAMING)
- What? What? What? - (GASPING)
What?
- Oh, my God! - Is that Peter?
(SPEAKING SPANISH)
FRANKIE: Oh, my God. Is he...
(ALL GASP)
- Peter! - You guys, what's happening back there?
I can't see.
- Peter? Peter. - Hmm?
Peter.
- Jess. - Are you okay?
(WHINING) Do you not like my dick?
What?
Does it bend weird when it gets hard, or, like...
- I don't know, is it... - What? No, I love it.
So, you still want to get married?
(LAUGHING) Yes. More than ever I want to get married. I love you.
I want that.
Peter...
Let's just get married. Let's get married this weekend.
Well, what about the campaign? Didn't you want to wait
till after the election, and...
I don't want to wait. Everyone I love is right here.
- That's all that matters. - Oh.
What about your parents?
Oh, my parents aren't gonna care. They eloped.
I mean, my mom did say to lock that down as soon as possible.
- She did? - She loves you.
- I love you. Let's do it. - Let's do it.
FRANKIE: Yes!
Oh, I have the perfect place.
♪♪
Do you, Jessica, take Peter to be your husband?
I do.
And do you, Peter, take Jessica to be your wife?
I definitely do.
- (LONG EXHALE) - (SOBBING CONTINUES)
Now, by the power vested in me
by GetOrdainedNow.net,
I pronounce you husband and wife.
You may kiss the groom.
(ALL CHEERING)
(WEDDING MARCH PLAYING WITH DANCE BEAT)
So glad I didn't sell our passes to the foam party.
- Yeah! - Right?
♪♪
So, you guys are just not in trouble?
No, we're, like, completely free.
We've committed what in Florida is known as a "good murder."
That's a direct quote from the Miami PD.
So, not only do we not have to go to jail, but we got a sick coupon
to Romano's Macaroni Grill.
- Do you want to dance, Pippa? - Yeah, okay.
But call me Kiwi, okay?
All my best friends do.
- Hey. - ALICE: Hi.
- Can I get you a drink? - Oh. Um...
No.
'Cause I'm on a date with someone else, so...
- Hey. - TOBEY: Hot.
You're a hot guy. Cool.
- Here you go. - Oh.
(GASPS) Oh, my God.
Has anyone ever told you how beautiful your feet are?
No one's ever said that to me before.
You should've been told that a million times.
BOTH: Do you want to...
- Fuck? - Fuck?
Hey.
Keep it moving. We're a thing.
Love wins.
What'd you just say?
I don't know. I mean, who knows if it will work out?
And I don't know how you're gonna get to New York. I guess hitchhike, but...
I already have my bags packed, actually, so...
- (LAUGHS) - Well, just 'cause I'm between places...
Shut up.
Yeah, yeah.
Okay. Yeah.
Babe. It's for you.
- Hello? - Jess, it's me.
That story about you and your friends taking out those criminals is everywhere!
Okay? We're getting donations and volunteers.
- What? - Jess, you're gonna win this thing.
Are you serious? That's amazing.
Yeah, we're getting a ton of media requests.
Okay, Good Morning America, Ellen.
Okay, you have to get back here right now. I'm gonna get you out on the next flight.
Do you prefer window or aisle?
I'm more of a middle seat guy myself, but...
You know what? I'm actually getting married.
But, um, I'll be there first thing Monday morning.
RAVIV: You're getting married? Jess, I'm in love with you.
- Take a picture of us? - Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Cool!
(BLAIR CLEARS THROAT)
- I love you guys. - We love you.
- Three. - (CLICK)
♪♪
ALICE: Can I see?
JESS: Um...
- No. - ALICE: My arm looks too thick.
(ALL COMPLAINING)
- PETER: Another one? - One more.
Okay, okay, okay.
(CLICK)
JESS: Ooh. I love it. ALICE: That, I love.
JESS: Alice, you can tag me. ALICE: Finally.
WOMAN: (SINGING) We are what
These days we only follow
These days we're feeling hollow
Get paid, the only motto
We are what
They say it all gets better
They say it won't last forever
Then someone pulls the trigger
We are what
The fame, the fame
I want to hear my name
But I don't care
What for
I'll change the world
Save all those trees and birds
But first I'll grab a Starbucks
Then I'll get to work
All on
Thank God it's the weekend
My squad
Got time, we can waste it
Don't know
Should we drive to the sunset or the fire?
It's like
We live in the bubble
Pretending it's 'cause we are young
We are what
These days we only follow
These days we're feeling hollow
Get paid, the only motto
We are what
They say it all gets better
They say it won't last forever
Then someone pulls the trigger
We've got hearts in the right places
But we're still a danger to ourselves
Maybe it's 'cause we are young
We are what
Congratulations to State Senator Jess Thayer!
(WHOOPING)
Thank you.
My number one boss bitch! Whoo!
(APPLAUSE STOPS)
And now to celebrate her win, we have a special request.
Me?
(APPLAUSE)
PIPPA: Thank you so much.
I actually have a surprise for all of you. Um...
I've written a song
that I hope can sort of encapsulate,
um, the bond of friendship that we all have.
And so, I want to play it for you now.
(SINGING) Sometimes
You kill a man
When he's taking off his clothes for you
You kill a man
You kill him with your friends
And he dies
Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh
(WHISPERS) Jesus, it's good.
(SINGING) Other times
When you kill a man
You need to toss his body in the ocean
And you don't care
'Cause your friends are there by your side
They make it fun
I love you, girls
I love you, Pippa!
We killed a man
We made a plan
You are my friends
And I'll never forget
This bachelorette
(SONG ENDS)
That's the end.
♪♪
ALICE: Do you guys want to come up? JESS: Um...
No, no, no. Don't come up. Don't come up.
- 'Cause I got to do stuff. - PETER: (CHUCKLES) What?
So, I will see you at Nussbaum's at 1Ø:ØØ.
No, no. 12:3Ø.
- JESS: Okay. - I don't want to get up.
Okay, you guys, go. Go, go, go.
We want to make sure that you get in okay.
- You're obsessed with me. (LAUGHS) - JESS: We love you.
I love you.
Bullshit.
(LAUGHING) Yes!
Whoo! Ah...
♪♪
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